I asked myself why do I write Yandere fanfic? Why don't I write something cheerful or fun for once, something to heal the soul.

Then I realized.

I mostly write it because the feeling of being someone's one and only. Having someone love you and genuinely want you for you, and all your rights and wrongs. It's...appealing to me.

12 years old (2014)

‘AKB!!!48’

Lex smiles, the 12-year-old girl happily bops her head as she watches the idols dance across the screen. She was watching the idol as she waited for the camp counselors to get the rest of the kids.

Her mother was working the majority of the time, and her brother was with her grandparents so she got sent to a summer camp. It was an agricultural camp for kids to learn about that type of stuff. Something that she really wasn’t into but went because her uncle was over the camp.

“What are you watching? Lex?” One of the female counselors asked, sitting down next to the girl. Lex turns to her with a bright smile, happy to share her interests with someone.

“It’s a Japanese idol group! My mom is helping me learn Japanese so I can audition.” The young girl says making the counselor raise an eyebrow.

It was silent as Lex turns back to her phone, watching the video, humming along. Some of the other kids had joined the table since then, sitting around and listening to the conversation.

“Audition for what?”

“An Idol group! They’re called Akb48! They’re having international auditions!”

“Why don’t you want to choose something…for our kind?”

Lex looked confused as the female counselor sighed and continued. “You are a black girl. A pretty black girl, do something that black girls can do.” She said, making lex look down at her phone.

“But they are international! Everyone can join!”

“And? You won’t get picked.”

One of the boys said.

“Just become a doctor or something, something you can actually do. Not something weird.”

The others laughed at his words and the counselor ‘scolded’ them. Lex puts her head down as she turns off her phone, sighing as the other kids around her got encouraged on what they wanted to be.

A doctor, a musician, a chef, a basketball player, a business owner, all got praise.

So why can’t she live her dream? Everyone else got encouraged and told that they can do it.

But when it came to her, they always told her she was trying for too much.

“Why don’t you be a hairstylist, a doctor, a teacher.”

“Why do you want to be asian so bad..Be black for once.”

“Listen to English, stop trying to be Japanese for once, anime makes you a weirdo.”

“Your parents are probably disappointed that you are you.”

It was never telling the poor girl that she can do it. Never giving any type of encouragement.

Never telling her to live her dreams.

Her dreams were always crushed, crunched up like a forgotten piece of tin foil in the trash.

16 years old ( 2018)

Lex’s year started off rocky, but she managed to get a hold of it. Then school hit again.

And a mental breakdown ensues.

The pressure of highschool, being bullied and being different was far too much, the poor girl’s pretty brown skin was marked up beyond belief, only making people judge her more and more.

The psychiatric hospital helped. Seeing others just like her who needed help, who were bullied and basically the bottom of the barrel, the mentally ill kids who were deemed weird. But they were no different from the rest.

Coming home things got better, people pretended that they missed her. Giving the girl a sense of need, like she was actually wanted. Home with newly diagnosed Persistent Depressive Disorder (1) and Severe Anxiety(2), on top of an eating disorder (3), Lex had to learn to be normal once again.

She was managing well, picking back up on her hobbies, finding a brand new kpop group that had happened to debut 2 weeks after she had gotten out of the hospital. She found herself attached and had a new healthy coping mechanism, and her mother was proud.

It reawakened a dream that she had lodged deep inside of her.

And once again she began to work towards that dream.

“Dad! Dad! Look at this new dance I learned!” Lex happily stood in front of her dad, stepping in front of the t.v. waiting for him to put down the beer can he had been drinking. The male finally put it down and stared at her. “Go Ahead.”he said and she excitedly got her phone, ready to turn it on, she was excited, she had just learned one of ATEEZ’s choreo’s and was more than happy to show it to her dad.

To show that she was getting better, to show that she was still the same girl before the hospital trip.

“It better not be that damn asian shit again.”

The young teens smile dropped as she looked down at her phone, the piece of technology suddenly feeling like it was burning a hole in her hand. She drops her head, wishing that this could have gone a completely different way. She sighs as she holds her phone tight, tears streaming down her cheeks, as she listened to her fathers words.

“First i had a daughter obsessed with white people, then you came out gay, and now you want to be asian too?”

“We should’ve left your ass in the mental hospital for longer, something else is wrong with you.”

The words went straight to the teens heart. Breaking the once repaired object, that was being held together with glue and string.

Lex simply went quiet and went to her mother, falling into the womans arms and crying. Her mother did the best to comfort her, saying “Your dad didnt mean it. He’s drunk, he’ll apologize tomorrow.” But those words did little to change her emotions.

After all, her mother always told her.

“If you want the truth, ask a drunk man.”

18 years old (2020)

Although Covid-19 threw a wrench in her plans, things changed for the better. The young teen was feeling more confident in herself, she had picked back up dancing and was doing so much better that she was before. Her dream was once again reignited and she refused to let anyone else kill this flame.

She’d gone to college and roomed with her best friend, who only encouraged her dream. The two of them dancing together, making the girl feel like she was finally being heard. Someone who appreciated dancing just as much as she did. Someone who understood what it felt like to have your dreamed crushed before.

She started her album collection, quickly collected new albums of her favorite group, with ATEEZ and BTS ruling the collection. Kpop and Jpop had become her new coping mechanism as she felt like her life was finally coming back together.

Until her boyfriend began to act weird.

He started bringing her down, talking down to her and always making her feel like she was less than human. Finding new ways to make her feel awful about herself. Hell, he’d even gotten jealous of The Hongjoong photocard she had in her phone case, and the lockscreen that matched it.

“Oh since you love him so much why don’t you marry him?”

“It seems you care about him more than you do me.”

Lex was confused. She used ATEEZ as a coping mechanism, when she was feeling down, she would watch their vlives or variety shows. They would always bring a smile to her face, and she always felt like it was fate when they debuted. She found them when she was at a low in her life, and got to watch them grow along side her.

It hurt, because when the two got into arguments, it would always be, “why don’t you run to your little asian boyfriends, since you care about them so much.”

It sadly brought the girl back to a point of darkness, pulling her back into the pit that she so desperately was trying to climb herself out of. New scars appeared on her body, and her self esteem dropped once again. The one person who she expected to be on her side wasn’t even on her side. He made her feel useless and terrible. Like she was the one in the wrong for liking them. But he had no problem when she listened to the females, like BlackPink, Itzy, Red Velvet and more, even though she was pansexual.

It was to the point where he once yelled. “Choose. It’s either me or you stupid music.”

Lex didn’t know what to do. It seemed no matter how much she would try to pull herself up, someone would always pull her back down. Hell, He laughed at her when she brought up the point of wanting to be an idol trainee.

“No offense, if you can barely handle me yelling at you, you can’t be and idol. You’ll fail and then you’ll be sad and wondering what went wrong.”

“Just be a normal girlfriend for once. Stop obsessing over asian guys.”

“Am I not enough for you? Why do you need to have a bias?”

“I should leave you, because you’re not even trying in this relationship anymore.”

“Why should i be behind you being an idol? You’ll just leave to korea and breakup with me, so why?”

Lex just wanted to ball up in her cocoon and disappear from the world, even her best friend struggled to pull the girl out of her pit, and she could always do that. She knew just what to make the girl feel better, but this time, she didn’t know what to do. All she could do is try her best and hope that her friend would get better.

19 years old (2021-2022)

Tumblr was a hellsite that Lex had been on years before, during the years when Hetalia and Homestuck were popular (if anyone remembers those dumpster fire times).

So rejoining was something she was a bit iffy about, but she had an anime tumblr, so what was the harm in making one to write ateez! After all they were her comfort idols, she would feel better about herself, and who doesn’t like a few reader-inserts here and there.

Writing is what she did, and surprisingly people liked her works! She felt a purpose here in this world again. She was making others feel better with her work.

And that’s all she wanted. She wanted to be the comfort for others, something that she rarely got anything of when she was younger.

It made her heart swell when people left comments, saying how much they loved her works. How they were excited when she popped on their feeds.

Lex felt wanted.

She felt loved, and finally felt like she had a safe community that she would fit in to.

And don’t get her wrong, it’s not like she didn’t have one before.

It’s just that the new friends that she had made on the app, truly felt welcomed, and no longer judged. She could mean something to someone, and feel truly whole.

She may still have her off days, and some days where she wants to go yeet herself off the nearest cliff or take a good ‘ol toaster bath, but then she remembers that she had friends. She has people that would actually miss her if she left.

And that was enough..

Enough to make her feel wanted and needed.

So to future Lex, I wish you well in all your future journeys.

Never give up, and always remember that someone is out there cheering you on, pushing you to complete your dream. You’re never alone and you are loved.

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Thank you all for reading this…It’s kinda a vent, as i’ve been feeling a little off about myself and i wanted to write my feelings out rather than return to some…unhealthy habits.

I just want to say, if you are ever feeling down, or feeling like you aren’t enough for anyone, just remember that someone out there loves you. Even if you’ve never met them in reality, even if you’ve only known each other for a few months, they care.

I will always be a shoulder to lean on, to prevent people from not having one like I did.

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Persistent depressive disorder, also called dysthymia (dis-THIE-me-uh), is a continuous long-term (chronic) form of depression. You may lose interest in normal daily activities, feel hopeless, lack productivity, and have low self-esteem and an overall feeling of inadequacy.

I was diagnosed with this on september 30, 2018. I stayed in a mental hospital for two and half weeks, realizing that with this diagnosis my life would be changing forever. I had to learn to be myself again, and come to terms with the fact that I will have this for the rest of my life.

My anxiety was already a thing, but i wasn’t diagnosed until my trip to the hospital, this crippled me horribly in school because i couldn’t really stand up infront of a large crowd, or would get freaked out from being in a classroom setting.

My eating disorder reared it’s ugly head when I was 13 first, after being told that i was too fat for my height and age. I was 4’11,13 years old and weighed 140 pounds. So this developed and i wouldn’t eat for 3 days at a time beside little snacks, my friends had to force me to eat, and it really didn’t get solved until my freshman year of college.

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