9 Months of âWhy Me?â
âBob Floyd
â§ Synopsis: They fucked. Hard. Hormones went wild. Cravings escalated. And somehow, a tiny human happened.
⧠Warnings: Smut: oral, breeding, body worship, and absolutely sexy Bob Floyd, Big Dick Energy⢠(Bob is fully owning it), Ultimate husband behavior: doting, teasing, worshipping you, Fluff overload: cuddles, kisses, and adorableness, Pregnancy hours: cravings, exhaustion, hormones, and baby brain, Attempted humor: chaotic, awkward, silly moments included, Cute chaos: messy hair, silly smiles, waddling, and general heart-melting moments
âThe whole ratatouille thing isn't that special. Grab any white boy's hair and you control him.
âThe dimly lit room cast shadows that danced across your bare skin as Bob Floyd knelt between your thighs, his face buried in your pussy. Your fingers were tangled in his sandy blond hair, gripping tightly as you arched your back, pushing yourself further onto his eager tongue.
âSo pretty... Say it back, tell me you're pretty.â
Your back arched, moans spilling out as Bob found that sweet, perfect spot. Fingers tangled in his hair, you pulled him right where you wanted him, every inch of his face coated in your slick. His muffled groans pressed into you, vibrating through your sensitive core until your knees threatened to buckle.
Fights with Bob Floyd were dangerous, mostly because his apology involved snacks, cuddles, and the occasional four-hour tongue session.
âAtta girl...â
LORD TAKE M--
Your hips rolled against his face, shameless and deliberate. He tasted you everywhere-- your slick coated his cheeks, chin, and even fogged his glasses-- and you held his head in your hands like reins, guiding him exactly where you wanted. He ate you out with an intensity that made your knees shake.
âThe room was filled with the symphony of wet sounds and muffled praises. Bob's tongue swirling around your clit while he hummed contentedly like a man who had found heaven between his wife's legs. "So sweet..."
No one wouldâve expected Bob Floyd to be like this. Not this needy, this shameless, this⌠talkative. His eyes were glued to you, lips and tongue busy, and yet he found words-- muffled, wet, and utterly devoted.
âCan I eat this pretty pussy forever?â he asked, voice husky and muffled against you.
You gasped at the audacity of it, but he wasnât done. âDo you like how I worship this sweet cunt?â His moan vibrated against your folds, and it made your knees weak.
âShould I keep going until you squirt all over my face?â
And there it was-- Bob Floyd, the quiet, sweet, somehow deadly patient man youâd married, suddenly talkative in the best, filthiest way possible, leaving you shocked, moaning, and completely undone.
A loud, sharp squeal escaped you as your body jolted with a sudden orgasm. Bobâs face was drenched, glasses sliding down, and he looked up like heâd just completed the most satisfying task in the universe. âYou okay, honey?â he hummed, completely smug.
âHis tongue traced every drop, hungrily licking you clean while your knees threatened to give out. He looked up, eyes sparkling, voice low and teasing: âI could get used to this, you know⌠youâre ridiculously easy to please.â
You yanked him away gently, resting his face on your thigh to give your overstimulated cunt a reprieve. Panting and shaking from your release, you grinned wickedly. âThat was⌠cute, Bob, really,â you breathed, voice low and teasing. âBut itâs barely even a warm-up. Next time, I expect effort.â
Bullshit.
He hummed softly, playful trouble in his eyes. âThat so, mâlove?â he murmured, crawling over you, lips exploring every inch. Your neck alone demanded ten kisses, and he happily obliged, making you arch and bite your lip with every one.
You tugged his face up, pressing a soft kiss to his lips before pulling back and scoffing. âIâve had spicier from you in my dreams.â
That sweet Bob smile twisted into something wicked. Towering above you, his shadow swallowed your body, voice husky and firm. âI will shift your womb, woman,â he murmured, like a king claiming his throne.
Lip between teeth, smirk in check. Who knew Bob Floyd could be this commanding? You did. Every night actually. You mentally sighed, rolled your eyes, and spread your legs anyway. Invitation clear, and very much appreciated.
Hips already rolling, you whispered between moans,âYou keep talking like that and don't even think about pulling out.â
âThat's exactly what I was aiming for, darlin'.â
ââOh~ you wanna breed me, Bob Floyd?â
ââI do. If my gorgeous wife tells me I can.â
ââMm, needy husband now?â
ââOnly for you. I'm so lucky.â
ââYou gonna fill me up, Bob?â
ââEvery last drop if you let me.â
ââIâll let you fuck the life out of me, husband.â
ââYes ma'am.â
He didnât even hesitate, sliding inside you with slow, deliberate precision. Every inch of him stretched and filled you, and your hips bucked instinctively, chasing the friction that already had your nerves alight. You gasped, nails digging into his back as the burn spread deliciously, unrelenting.
âFuckâŚâ you whispered through gritted teeth, eyes squeezing shut.
He smirked, pressing closer, letting you feel every inch of him. You whimpered, breath catching, and tried to adjust, but it only made it sharper.
Finally, all you could manage with a strained voice rough with both pain and pleasure, the words slipping out between sharp breaths, âFuck you, Bob Floyd...â
---
âFUCK YOU, BOB FLOY-- AHHH! LET GO, WOMAN!â Hangmanâs knuckles were white, teeth clenched as he hissed through gritted teeth.
Your hand was wrapped around his wrist like a vice, eyes blazing, veins screaming, and you pushed. Hard. Hangman had promised to âfill in for Bobâ and now he understood exactly how naĂŻve that statement was.
âBreathe! Just-- breathe!â he gasped, face turning red, eyes watering, and somehow still trying to keep his hand from being crushed into pulp.
You did not breathe. You cursed. The world, Bob, your parents, the human race, the concept of pain itself-- all of it.
âI WILL FUCKING KILL EVERYONE WHO THINKS THIS IS FAIR-- AHHH!â Your voice cracked, and Hangmanâs wrist gave a sickening pop. He screamed like a man summoning every regret in his lineage. âFUCK YOU, ROBERT FLOYD! I HOPE YOUR SOUL GETS STUCK IN A TRAFFIC JAM FOREVER!â
âOh god oh god oh god,â Hangman squealed as your grip tightened further.
"SHUT UP JAK--"
"MY HAND--"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU SAY THAT AGAIN IMMA RIP YOUR TONGUE OUTTA YOUR HEAD--"
"MY HANDDDD--"
His fingers were bending in ways nature never intended. He tried to push your hand off, failed, and felt an immediate, punishing crunch against his bones. Somewhere in there, he realized you had actually broken his hand.
You didnât pause. You cursed the pain, you cursed the room, you cursed your own fucking uterus. âI HATE YOU, ROBERT FLOYD! I HATE YOU! I HATE-- AHHH-- EVERYONE!â
The midwives were trying not to die laughing while also coaching you, the alarms were blaring, the monitors were going wild, and Hangman was gripping the gurney for dear life, muttering under his breath, âWhy-- why did I think this would be fun⌠why am I aliveâŚâ
You whimpered to Hangman, face pale and eyes red. "I'm gonna die, Jake..."
Hangman hissed back. "You try dying and watch me pull you back by your hair 'cause ain't no way you broke my hand for nothin'."
Then, with one final, monumental heave that could have powered a small city, a tiny, wailing human erupted into the world. You collapsed back, heaving, drenched in sweat, lungs burning, every fiber of your body screaming in betrayal-- and finally, just for a second, your eyes landed on the baby. Tiny, perfect, screaming⌠and completely oblivious to the chaos that had just birthed it.
And thatâs when the doors flew open. Bob barreled in like a storm, chest heaving, sweat plastering his hair to his forehead, eyes darting wildly. He skidded to your side, but his gaze didnât land on the baby. No, it landed entirely, completely, utterly on you.
Your exhausted eyes met his, and all you could muster, rasping through the exhaustion and the pain and the fire of childbirth, was:
âFuck⌠you⌠Robert Floyd.â
And then, blissful, merciful, chaotic sleep took you, leaving Hangman blinking at his mangled hand and the midwives snickering behind their masks, while Bob just hovered, chest heaving, looking like he might cry, faint, or start cursing himself for being late-- all at once.
---
Babies were supposed to be tiny miracles, little bundles of joy that made life sweeter, softer, and somehow brighter. Everyone said that, and everyone lied-- or maybe they just forgot the part about the in-between.
The in-between was where the magic tangled itself with chaos. Where the tiny heartbeat inside her made Bob grin like an idiot one minute and panic the next. Where his normally sweet, gentle wife turned into a storm god with a flair for dramatic sighs, random tears, and very specific midnight cravings.
It was supposed to be cute and tender, and sometimes it was. But mostly? It was weird. It was messy. It was adorable, infuriating, and completely impossible to ignore. And Bob? He was learning fast that loving a pregnant wife meant preparing for anything: sudden laughter, sudden rage, and the occasional, inexplicable need for three pickles stacked on top of a donut.
Pregnancy was a joy, yes. But the in-between⌠the in-between was pure, chaotic life.
âFirst indication was⌠something that shouldnât have happened.
âI married the sweetest person alive, which is why itâs absolutely terrifying to see you sitting on the bathroom floor with a faucet in pieces.
-Bob Floyd
âBob had always considered himself a lucky man. Lucky enough to fly, lucky enough to live, lucky enough to somehow marry a woman as sweet as honey. Sweet enough to rival his own gentle, soft-spoken manners.
âWhich is why the scene in front of him felt like walking in on a felony he had not, in any universe, prepared for.
âYou sat on the bathroom floor like a guilty dog and an exhausted tenant at the same time. Knees up. Hands clasped. Eyes somewhere between âIâm fineâ and âbury me.â And behind you⌠the sink. The brutally defeated sink. Its faucet lay on its side like it had tapped out of this mortal plane. A bucket caught the remaining drips, each drop loud enough to sound like judgment.
âBob leaned on the doorframe and blinked like he was rebooting his brain.
âââŚMy love.â
âYou groaned into your palms. âIt wasnât my fault.â
âBob nodded very slowly. âUh-huh.â
ââIt kept dripping,â you said, eyes flashing with the kind of rage poets wish they could bottle. âEvery three seconds. Drip. Drip. Drip. Like it was mocking me. Like it was taunting me, Bob.â
âHe tried very hard not to smile. âSo you⌠destroyed it?â
ââI didnât destroy it.â You pointed at the faucet with wounded dignity. âI liberated it. There's a big difference.â
ââRight.â He stepped in and crouched beside you. âAnd how exactly did liberation happen?â
âYou sighed through your soul. âI tried to tighten it. Nicely. With kindness.â
ââAnd?â
ââIt kept dripping.â
âBob inhaled like he already knew he didnât want the next answer. âAnd then?â
âââŚI ripped it off.â
ââWith tools?â
âYou shook your head.
ââWith your hands?â
âYou whispered, ââŚmaybe.â
âA laugh escaped him before he could stop it. You stared at him like daring him to continue was an act of mutiny.
ââIâm not laughing at you,â he tried.
ââYouâre literally smiling, Robert.â
ââSmiling isnât laughing.â
ââItâs betrayal.â
âHe sat next to you, shoulder bumping yours. âBaby, you can bench-press half the squad if youâre irritated enough. Iâm honestly surprised the sink lasted this long.â
âYour bottom lip betrayed you with a wobble. âI didnât mean to break it. I was just⌠tired. And annoyed. And it wouldnât stop. And I just--â Your voice cracked. âI snapped.â
âBobâs entire heart folded up like origami.
ââOh, sweetheart,â he murmured, pulling you into his chest. âItâs okay. People lose fights with plumbing all the time.â
ââNo one does that.â
ââSure they do,â he lied, rubbing your back. âHow do you think plumbers make money?â
âYou sniffed. âIâm hazardous.â
ââYouâre adorable.â
ââIâm a loser.â
ââYouâre my wife.â
ââI broke a sink.â
ââMy wife broke a sink with her bare hands,â he corrected softly. âHonestly? Thatâs kind of impressive.â
âYou pulled back, red-eyed and dramatic. âYouâre not mad?â
ââMad?â Bob smiled, warm enough to soften concrete. âHoney, I married a woman who terrifies Marines twice her size. A sink didnât stand a chance.â
âA tired laugh escaped you. You wiped your cheeks. âI didnât mean to go full Hulk.â
ââI know.â He kissed your forehead. âWeâll fix it.â
ââWe?â
ââIâm never letting you near a wrench unsupervised again.â
âYou narrowed your eyes. âFair.â
âHe helped you up, brushing off your knees. âNext time something drips, you call me.â
ââAnd if youâre not home?â
ââThen you sit there and stare at it until I get back.â
âYou groaned dramatically. âThatâs torture.â
ââBetter than replacing the entire plumbing system.â
âYou bumped his shoulder as you walked out. âOne time. I break one sink and suddenly Iâm on a watchlist.â
âBob smiled and wrapped his arm around your waist.
ââOne time. And you did it adorably.â
â---
âSecond was⌠another thing that made him pause.
âBob liked to tell people his wife loved him in a way that made him feel embarrassingly lucky. You hugged him like he mattered, listened like he was interesting, and smiled at him like youâd been waiting all day just to see his face.
âWhich is why the look you were giving him now made his stomach drop straight through the floor.
âHeâd barely stepped through the door when you stiffened, nose scrunching like something had slapped you in the face.
âYou had jerked back so fast he thought heâd startled you.
ââBob,â you whispered, eyes wide, âyou smell⌠sharp.â
âââŚSharp?â he repeated, half-baffled, half-worried.
âYou nodded, bracing a hand on the counter like you needed grounding. âLike⌠bright. Too bright. Itâs cutting the back of my nose.â
ââItâs just residual jet fuel,â he murmured, trying to keep things light. âYouâve hugged me after flights before.â then mumbled with a small pout, â...even said it smelled hot.â
ââNot like this,â you breathed, shaking your head as if the very scent stung. âItâs everywhere. It feels like itâs⌠crawling.â
âBob felt something cold pinch the inside of his chest. You looked pale, off-balance, like your senses had turned against you.
ââHey,â he said softly, touching your arm with careful distance. âIâll shower. Sit down, okay?â
âYou nodded, grateful and exhausted.
âHe cleaned up faster than he ever had in his life, scrubbing until he smelled like absolutely nothing. When he stepped out, wrapped in clean clothes and hope, he felt prepared.
âUntil he walked back into the living room and found you crouched by the door.
âSniffing his shoes.
ââSweetheart?â he asked, voice gentle as a hand on glass. âWhatâre you doing?â
âYou startled, cheeks heating up. âI just⌠wanted to see if it was the smell. Or me.â
âââŚBy smelling my shoes?â
âYou nodded, looking embarrassingly earnest.
âHis confusion didnât last. You looked tired. And overwhelmed. And a little scared of yourself.
âHe walked over slowly. âDoes everything smell like that right now?â
ââNot everything,â you muttered, pressing a hand to your forehead. âJust⌠you. And food. And soap. And coffee this morning? I almost gagged. I thought I was losing it.â
âBobâs heart twisted. He brushed his thumb across your cheek. âLetâs skip cooking. What sounds okay to you?â
âYou hesitated, guilt flickering in your eyes. âNothing⌠normal.â
ââNormalâs overrated,â he said. Quiet, certain.
âYou came back with tortillas, yogurt, and pickles.
âHe said nothing. Just watched the way your shoulders relaxed the second you tasted it, like your body finally eased up on its own war.
âBob sat beside you, steady and patient, his hand resting warm on your thigh.
ââYouâre not in trouble,â he said when he saw embarrassment flicker across your face. âYouâre allowed to feel however you feel.â
âYou let out a weak laugh. âEven when I act like youâre a walking chemical spill?â
âHe shook his head, smiling softly. âEspecially then.â
âYou leaned your head against his shoulder, your breathing slow and cautious but finally not strained.
âBob kissed the crown of your head.
âWhatever was happening to you, heâd walk through it with you. Every odd craving. Every strange reaction. Every exhausted moment.
âEven if you sniffed his shoes again tomorrow.
â---
âThird was⌠well, by then he knew something was up.
âNever in his life had Bob done anything to deserve a tissue box thrown at him.
âYet here he was, ducking with a grace he didnât know he possessed, as the plush rectangle sailed past his ear and smacked against the wall with a muffled thunk.
âHe barely had time to recover before the follow-up came: a sharp, precise kick aimed at his hip.
ââOut!â the voice rang, soft but impossibly firm.
âBob stumbled back, rubbing his neck, eyes wide, mouth slightly open. ââŚOut?â he echoed, as if the concept itself was alien.
âHis wife-- gentle, sweet, usually the softest presence in the room-- was standing in the doorway, arms crossed, expression stormy but somehow still somehow luminous, like a thundercloud made of honey.
âHe blinked. ââŚForâŚ?â
ââYou said I was fat,â you accused, voice trembling somewhere between mock outrage and actual indignation.
âBobâs jaw slackened. ââŚI-- no. I didnât--â
ââLiar!â you exclaimed, waving a finger like a conductor orchestrating a symphony of chaos. âYou totally implied it! Your words are weapons, you know that?!â
âHe held up his hands slowly. âI⌠Bob Floyd, married to you, lover of chaos, appreciator of all things gentle⌠swear on everything I hold dear, I did not mean that.â
ââYeah? Well, intentions donât matter!â you snapped, pointing at him like he was a trespasser in his own bedroom.
âBob froze, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. âNo. That⌠thatâs not what-- what I meant at all! I meant⌠light! Light, brightness, warmth! You fill a room like sunlight! Light of my life--â
ââLight? Fill??â you echoed, voice trembling with a mix of laughter and faux outrage. âOh, sure, Bob. You love me so much you just happen to describe me as⌠expanding? Overflowing?â
ââI-- no! Not overflowing! Not full in that way! Iâm trying to say⌠you make everything better. Youâre amazing! I--â
âOut!â
âBob backed away slowly, rubbing the back of his neck, confusion thick in his chest. âOkay. OutâŚâ He shuffled toward the hall, shoulders hunched, dog tilting its head like it was witnessing some strange new ritual.
âThis week⌠this week had been weird. Unusually weird. Not just the kicked-out-of-your-bedroom weird, but the kind of weird that prickled at his gut.
âAnd he knew it.
â---
âBob stands in the hallway with the same expression he uses when the coffee machine breaks: calm, resigned, and fully aware this is how he dies.
âPhoenix is planted in front of him like a stone statue someone accidentally gave sentience to. Completely blank face. Not a flicker. In her hand, held out like a cursed artifact, is a pregnancy test. Itâs one of those aggressively pink ones with a giant cartoon smiley face on the screen, like the plastic is more excited about this than either of them.
âThey stare. They stare longer. Bob feels his soul leave his body, come back, and then leave again.
âHe drags in a breath. âDo you want me to die?â
âHer deadpan somehow gets even flatter, which he didnât think was medically possible. She thrusts the test closer, as if he hadnât already burned the sight of it into his retinas.
ââSo thatâs a yes,â he mutters.
âHer brows finally twitch, the slightest offended micro-flinch. âWhy would you die?â
âHe winces.
ââBecause no matter how I open my mouth right now, itâs gonna sound like I implied she gained weight, I donât want to get folded like laundry in my own home.â
â"Why are you panicking?"
ââBecause my wife is gorgeous and powerful and capable of lifting me like a foldable chair, and I donât want to provoke that power.â
âPhoenix just keeps staring. Still offering the smiley-faced doom stick.
â"Nat, I am serious. sheâll say âwhat did you mean by that,â and Iâll die before I figure out an answer.â
ââThis is a normal conversation. Youâre the only one having a meltdown.â she smirks, clearly enjoying.
âBob tries to look calm. Truly. He does his best impression of a functional adult as he takes the pregnancy test from Phoenix, nodding like this is a grocery receipt and not a potential life-altering prophecy.
âHe holds it delicately, like itâs a bird egg or a live grenade.
ââCool,â he says, voice cracking in a way he hopes she didnât hear. âSo⌠uh⌠we just wait, right? No big deal.â
âPhoenix stares at him. The human embodiment of a flatline.
âBob inhales. Slow. Dramatic. âBecause if itâs positive then⌠thatâs⌠thatâs a whole human. A human thatâs half me.â His eyes go wide. âPhoenix, thatâs a crime.â
âShe blinks once. âCalm down.â
ââI am calm,â he says, absolutely not calm. His hands are shaking like heâs holding a squirrel that might bite. âIâm so calm I might throw up.â
âPhoenix watches him come undone with the emotional support of a brick wall. âYouâre sweating.â
ââBecause this is terrifying!â He gestures wildly with the test, immediately realizing he might disturb its cosmic forces and freezing in place. âSorry. Sorry. Donât move the magic stick. Got it.â
âHe sucks in a breath like heâs trying to inflate his own courage.
ââIf this is positive, then-- then thereâs a baby. A baby, Phoenix. A baby with my genes. Do you know how irresponsible that sounds?â
âPhoenixâs expression doesnât change at all. âYouâll be fine.â
ââNo, no, those are the words people say right before someone passes out.â He presses a hand to his chest. âMy heart is doing parkour.â
ââBreathe,â she says.
ââI am breathing! Thatâs the problem, I can hear it.â
âPhoenix finally, mercifully, reaches out and steadies his wrist so he doesnât fling the test across the room. âBob. Itâs just a test. Two minutes.â
âHe nods, then shakes his head, then nods again, looking like heâs rebooting.
ââTwo minutes. Okay. Yeah. I can do two minutes. I can be a parent for two minutes.â
âShe corrects him. âThatâs not what I said.â
ââI know,â he says, already pacing in a tight anxious circle, clutching the test like itâs the only thing keeping him tethered to Earth. âIâm spiraling. Just let me spiral with dignity.â
ââYou donât have dignity.â
âHe stops. Squints at her. âThatâs fair.â
â---
âBob sits on the couch like someone propped him upright with broomsticks. Perfect posture. Eyes forward. Breathing shallow, like inhaling too hard might set you off.
âIn front of you both, the coffee table looks like a crime scene built out of snack food. Ice cream tubs sweating. Half-melted sundaes. Donuts. Chips. Something from Wendyâs that definitely wasnât on the menu. It looks like Bob raided five stores, a gas station, and possibly a truck.
âAnd right in the middle of it all, like Moses parting the edible Red Sea, sits that tiny pink pregnancy test.
âJust existing. Haunting him. Mocking him.
âThe silence is suffocating. Well-- suffocating for him. Youâre just staring at him with the expression of a woman prepared to commit violence with her bare hands.
âBob swallows. The sound is so loud it could be legally classified as a cry for help.
âHe coughs once, weakly, like heâs testing whether youâll let him live. âSo⌠uh⌠you okay?â
âNo reaction. Just those razor-sharp eyes, slicing through him like you're auditioning to be a guillotine.
âHe nods to himself. Stares forward again. âCool. Cool-cool-cool.â
âBut his gaze keeps flicking toward the pink stick. Like itâs whispering to him. Like itâs telling him his life is over and diapers are expensive.
âHe finally caves. Slowly-- slowly-- he reaches for it, trying to slide it out of sight, out of mind, out of the universe. âLetâs⌠just put this away before it gives us both anxiety, yeah?â he whispers.
âHis fingers are an inch away when your hand shoots out.
âYou snatch the test with so much force he flinches like you just fired a weapon next to his ear. His soul leaves his body, returns, leaves again.
âHe recoils, rubbing the back of his neck, mortified. âRight. Yep. Thatâs yours. Sorry. My bad. Iâll just, uh⌠sit here and⌠stop touching things.â
âHe looks at you. Really looks.
âYou look furious. You look dangerous. You look like you might peel your husband like an apple.
âAnd Bob, poor Bob, sitting among the ruins of a thousand calories, has the realization hit him again like a train:
âAll the mood swings. All the nausea. All the aggression.
âHe thought it might be a baby.
âHe thought you might be pregnant.
âAnd judging by the way youâre staring at him, he absolutely should not have thought that.
âHe gives a tiny, strangled laugh. âI just-- I donât know. You were⌠different. And I thought-- I thought maybeâŚâ Another micro-flinch. âI wasnât trying to say you were⌠yâknow. Bigger. I love your body. All of it. Always. Forever. Please donât kill me.â
âYou continue glaring.
âHe sinks two centimeters into the couch cushions.
ââCool,â he whispers hoarsely. âLoving this vibe. Totally calm.â
âThe test sits in your grip, pink, smug, and definitely about to ruin his life one way or another.
âYou stand up suddenly, pointing a finger right at Bobâs face like youâre about to assassinate his soul, your eyes blazing a little-- but thereâs a tiny twitch at the corner of your mouth that betrays how ridiculous this all is.
âBob doesnât flinch. He leans in just enough to meet your finger with a faint, adoring smile, letting it rest against his cheek. âYes, maâam,â he says softly, like a knight pledging allegiance. âYour majesty, I accept full responsibility for⌠literally everything.â
âYou hiss something incomprehensible, but he nods like heâs taking notes for future reference. âUh-huh. Got it. Noted. I will never, ever, under any circumstance⌠forget this moment,â he murmurs, voice practically vibrating with affection and a dash of terror.
âThen, as you turn to storm toward the bathroom, he carefully slides off the couch, following at a cautious, respectful distance.
âHeâd planted himself outside the bathroom like some loyal, malfunctioning security system. Arms crossed. Then uncrossed. Then crossed again because apparently that felt less stupid. His knee bounced so hard the hallway mirror vibrated, so he slapped a hand on it like âshh, donât snitch.â
âHe tried to act casual. Casual, like a man who was not currently sweating through his shirt. He leaned on the wall. Immediately slipped a little because he forgot heâd just mopped yesterday. Straightened up like nothing happened. Cleared his throat for absolutely no reason. Then pretended to scroll his phone even though the screen was black because he hadnât unlocked it.
âAt one point he crouched down to tie his shoe. He wasnât wearing shoes.
âHe whispered to the door, âTake your time,â in the softest voice, and then added way too fast, âNot⌠too much time, but like, whatever time you need. No pressure. Zero pressure. Negative pressure. Vacuum.â
âSilence.
âHe nodded to himself, pacing two steps left, two steps right, like a guard dog who read one too many self-help books about giving his partner space. And when he heard the faintest rustle inside the bathroom, he immediately froze in a pose that absolutely screamed I wasnât listening through the door please ignore everything about me.
âHis heartbeat was doing drumline choreography. His face was lit up with that terrified-hoping-praying look he only ever got around her.
âAnd still, he hovered. Trying so hard not to be in the way. Failing in the cutest way imaginable.
âBob had been âsweepingâ the hallway for an hour-- or rather, standing there holding a broom like it was a piece of equipment heâd never been trained on. Every few seconds, heâd glance at the closed bedroom door, chest tight, mind running every possible scenario he didnât want to think about.
âWhen the door finally opened, you stepped out.
âYour eyes were puffy, clearly from crying, but there was something calmer in your expression now-- like youâd finally stopped fighting some internal storm. That soft glow wasnât dramatic or magical, just⌠you looking like someone whoâd been through something heavy and decided to breathe again.
âHis whole body went still.
ââHey,â Bob said quietly. Not loud, not awkwardly high-- just that gentle, slightly nervous tone he always used when he wasnât sure if everything was okay.
âYou gave him a small smile. The kind of smile that had made him fall for you the first time and every day since. Even now, with your face blotchy from tears, it hit him like a tidal wave.
âThen, with a sniff and a shaky attempt at humor, you asked, âDo you⌠know how to deal with diapers?â
âBob blinked. Once. Twice.
âHe absolutely did not know how to deal with diapers. Or babies. Or⌠this. But he did what he always did when confronted with something terrifying-- he tried to give you a soft, steady presence, even if his insides were a mess.
ââI-- uh⌠probably not,â he admitted with a little half-laugh, voice tight. He stepped closer, drawn in by instinct more than thought.
âHis mouth opened, but no words came out. You watched him closely, and he could see it-- that small flicker of worry in your eyes. Like you were bracing for disappointment. Like you thought maybe he didnât want this. That he didnât want you to go through this, or didnât want the life it implied.
âHis face was frozen. His eyes full. His throat locked up.
âAnd that silence-- that frozen moment-- made your expression fall.
âBut then you looked closer. Squinted a little. âBob⌠are you crying?â
âHe swallowed hard. âNo,â he whispered. But his voice cracked on the word, giving him away completely.
âBefore you could say anything else, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around you, burying his face in your neck. Not a dramatic collapse-- just Bob holding on to you like you were the only stable thing in the world. His shoulders shook once, then again. Soft, quiet tears. Pure relief. Overwhelm. Hope.
âYou held him, your hand sliding into his hair, grounding him as he tried-- unsuccessfully-- to pull himself together.
âThere, there Bob, I know diapers are expensive.â
âAfter a long moment, he sniffed and pulled back, wiping at his eyes with the back of his wrist. They were a little red, a little puffy, but he didnât try to hide it anymore.
ââIâm happy,â he finally managed, breath trembling. âIâm really⌠really happy. I just--â He laughed weakly, embarrassment creeping in. âI genuinely have no idea what to do with diapers.â
âIt came out so honest, so Bob, that you couldnât help it-- a soft laugh bubbled out of you, and he gave a shy, crooked smile at the sound.
âYou cupped his cheek, thumb brushing the dampness away. âWeâll figure it out,â you said gently.
âBob nodded, breathing out a shaky exhale, eyes still shining but finally calm. âYeah,â he said, voice soft, warm, certain because you were certain. âYeah⌠we will.â
â---
âThe plan was adorable. The execution, in theory, foolproof.
Unfortunately, they forgot who their friends were.
âHangmanâs living room looks suspiciously like someone let a hurricane loose in a cowboy boot store, but whatever, you and Bob step over the boots, the magazines, and the cat toys like you didnât come here to drop life-altering news on six fully grown children.
âYou slide the little gift box across the coffee table with the kind of hopeful flourish that deserves a soundtrack. Itâs cute, pastel, tied with a bow. The perfect âlet them figure it out and cryâ moment.
âHangman opens it, peers in, and you can actually see the exact second this goes off the rails.
ââOh my god,â he breathes, starry-eyed. âYou two bought a romper⌠for my daughter.â
âYour brows twitch. Bobâs soul visibly leaves his body.
âHis âdaughterâ leaps onto the couch, hissing like a demon in polyester. Hangmanâs already scooping him up. âLook how cute sheâs gonna be!â he announces, tugging the romper over one struggling paw. The cat yowls like sheâs being drafted into the ninth circle of hell.
ââMy little angel hates clothes,â Hangman says proudly as the cat tries to bite his thumb off. âShe gets that from me.â
âPhoenix is in the corner, arms crossed, grinning like she already saw the ultrasound photos and helped name the baby. She catches your eye, gives you a tiny nod that says I told Bob first, fight me.
âThe rest of the squad?
âFanboy: scrolling on his phone.
âPayback: trying to untangle something from his shoelace.
âRooster: filming Hangman losing a battle with his own pet.
Coyote slipped into the bathroom yawning.
âNone of them have the faintest clue.
âBob clears his throat, the picture of exhausted fatherhood before itâs even started. âSo⌠weâre actually⌠expecting.â
âFanboy doesnât look up. âExpecting what?â
âYou blink. Bob blinks. Phoenix chokes on her drink.
âRooster tosses a fry in his mouth. âFood delivery? Because I could eat.â
âHangman is still getting mauled. âGuys, focus. My cat is adorable.â
âThereâs a long beat where you and Bob just stare at them, this collection of aviators who could disarm a missile at Mach 2 but cannot, apparently, understand basic human communication.
âPhoenix finally claps her hands. âPregnant, you idiots. Theyâre pregnant.â
âThe room freezes.
â".....Bob Floyd you did the do?!"
âCoyoteâs face, popping out from the bathroom, lit up like someone had shoved a firework in his chest. âWait⌠weâre uncles now? Like, real uncles?!â
âFanboy practically vibrated with glee, bouncing in place. âBob Floyd⌠you did it first! First to get married, first to bring a baby into the squad⌠I-- this is so amazing! I canât even!â
âRoosterâs eyes were sparkling. âWe get to hold the baby? We get to spoil it? We get to be the fun ones before they ruin it with rules?!â
âHangman, still nursing his mangled hand from earlier chaos, shook his head, trying to stay composed, but there was a grin tugging at his mouth. âCongrats, man. And yeah⌠youâre officially the benchmark. The babyâs going to be ridiculously spoiled, thanks to us.â
âCoyote hopped from one foot to the other. âTiny little humans running around! And weâre the uncles! We get to teach them chaos and bad jokes!â
âFanboy leaned close to Bob, voice soft with awe, practically bouncing on his toes. âThis baby is about to be loved into oblivion. Honestly, it should feel honored.â
âBob and you just exchanged a glance, deadpan smiles barely holding back laughter. The squad was already completely smitten. Every squeal, every flail, every wide-eyed squeaky declaration of uncle-dom was pure love, and somehow-- somehow-- it made your hearts feel bigger just watching them.
âYou and Bob share the same deadpan expression, the one that hides both homicidal urges and fierce affection for these morons you somehow consider friends.
âItâs always a blast telling life-shattering news to people whose combined IQ flickers like a cheap bulb.
â---
âBob was the kind of husband who, when you sent him out to buy pickles at 3 a.m., came back with two jars of pickles, a pack of Oreos, a bottle of sparkling water, and three different types of cheese-- just in case you âneeded a snack.â He was a little extra, but in the best way.
âAnd you? You were a hormonal disaster wrapped in a pregnant glow that, one minute, made you feel like a goddess and the next, like a potato in a tank top. The âglowâ was⌠debatable.
ââBob, I feel so fat,â you said one morning, glaring at yourself in the bathroom mirror. Your bump had popped out like a volleyball, and it was a shock every time you looked down and realized it wasnât going away.
âBob was sitting on the edge of the bed, his mouth full of cereal. He paused, looking over at you with an expression that said, I know better than to say anything dumb right now. He put his spoon down slowly, his eyes softening with affection.
ââNo, babe. Youâre beautiful,â he said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
âYou glared at him, narrowing your eyes. âDonât say that.â
âBob blinked. âWhat?â
ââYou just said Iâm beautiful. Which means youâre admitting Iâm fat.â You crossed your arms over your chest, frowning at him. You knew you were being irrational, but at that moment, it felt like the logical conclusion.
âBobâs eyes widened. âNo, no, no! Thatâs not what I--â He scrambled up from the bed and started to wave his hands frantically in front of him. âYouâre not fat, babe. Youâre carrying our baby, youâre glowing, and--â
ââStop, Bob,â you groaned. âI know youâre trying to make me feel better, but now I just feel like a balloon with legs. Iâm not glowing, Iâm miserable.â
âBob sat beside you on the bed, his hand resting on your back. âOkay, okay. Letâs compromise. Youâre beautiful in every way, and this baby bump? Totally worth it. Youâre literally growing a person.â
And then cupping your face, pecking you lips once, âAnd I know I don't understand you sometimes, but I will spend eternity trying to figure you out.â
âYou turned to him, raising an eyebrow. âAre you trying to win points for being a good husband? Because you are. Youâre doing it.â
âBob smiled, obviously relieved. âI just love you.â
â---
âIt starts innocent. Sweet, even. You and Bob are curled up on the couch, his hand on your stomach like heâs trying to decode Morse code from a blueberry-sized human.
âThen Bob says, âWhat about⌠Mabel?â
âYou blink at him like heâs suggested naming the kid after a defunct tractor brand.
ââMabel? Bob, thatâs the name of a woman who knits angry scarves.â
âHe looks mildly offended. âYou like old names.â
ââVintage names, baby. Not⌠dust.â
âAnd just like that, war begins.
âPhoenix is the first casualty, because she walks in at the wrong time and immediately gets conscripted.
ââWhat about something strong,â she suggests, stealing Bobâs coffee and ignoring his wounded gasp. âSomething with presence. Like⌠Zara. Or Nova. Or Clementine. Something that sounds like she could steal my lunch money.â
âBob nods thoughtfully. You shake your head violently. âIâm not naming my child after a fruit OR a car.â
âCue Fanboy bursting in like he was summoned by the stupidity. âName it after something cool. Something legendary.â
ââAbsolutely not,â Bob says.
ââYou didnât even hear my suggestion.â
ââBecause you,â Bob says, âare about to name my child after a spaceship.â
âFanboyâs offended. âIt was going to be Millennium, thank you.â
âRooster strolls in next, eating from a bag of chips like this is his Roman colosseum entertainment. âI say name the baby after me.â
ââNo.â
âHe shrugs. âJust putting greatness on the table.â
âHangman swans in with his cat under one arm, already exhausted by everyone elseâs mediocrity. âIf you want a powerful name, you should obviously go with Jake.â
âYou throw a pillow at his head. âI wouldnât even name my toaster Jake.â
âHangman gasps like youâve stabbed his patriotic spirit. âYou wound me.â
âThe cat hisses. Probably in agreement.
âBob puts a hand on your thigh, calm and gentle, like heâs trying to restore order in a collapsing kingdom. âWhat about something meaningful? Something that feels like us.â
âYou soften for a second. âLike⌠June?â
âHis whole face lights up. And then Phoenix ruins it.
ââSheâs not being born in June.â
ââItâs a name, Natasha.â
âFanboy pipes up, âIf weâre breaking rules, can we name her after months in Klingon?â
ââNo.â
âHangman adjusts his cat, who is glaring at all of humanity. âLook, if you two insist on being boring, at least let the rest of us throw in middle names.â
âEveryone starts shouting suggestions.
âRooster: âBlaze.â
âFanboy: âStarfire.â
âPhoenix: âPlease stop.â
âHangman: âDenim. Or Wrangler.â
âYou stare at them like youâre witnessing the end of civilization.
âBob leans in, murmuring just loud enough for you to hear. âWeâre picking it ourselves, right?â
âYour hand finds his. âAbsolutely. Theyâre banned.â
âHangman lifts his catâs paw like heâs making him wave. âSheâs offended she wasnât chosen as godmother.â
âThe cat swipes at him.
ââSee?â you deadpan. âEven your cat says no.â
âThe arguing continues for another ten minutes before everyone realizes the two of you are ignoring them and whispering quietly to each other, tossing soft names back and forth, testing how they sound, how they feel, how they fit.
âAnd despite the noise, the chaos, the absolute incompetence of your beloved friends, the two of you land on a few that make you both smile.
âSomething yours. Something gentle. Something that feels like home.
âOf course, the squad still thinks it was their idea.
âTheyâre wrong. Obviously.
â---
âMidnight cravings were a whole other disaster.
âBob was not a fan of the 2 a.m. kitchen raids, but he did them anyway. Youâd waddle into the kitchen in the dark, the refrigerator light flicking on, and Bob would stumble in behind you like a loyal puppy.
ââMy world, youâve got to stop eating in the middle of the night. Youâre gonna give yourself indigestion.â
âYou, on the other hand, were a woman on a mission. âBob, I need chocolate-- and donât say anything about the Oreos. I already ate those, too.â
âBob sighed dramatically. âYouâre gonna be the first pregnant person to have a heart attack from eating sugar.â
ââYouâre not my mom,â you shot back, grabbing a jar of Nutella and a spoon. âMind your business.â
ââIâm just saying--â
ââYouâre just too cute,â you interrupted, with Nutella smeared on your cheek. âWhat would I do without you?â
âBob smiled softly, like he didnât even mind that youâd eaten an entire pint of ice cream, some gummy bears, and had almost finished off the Nutella. âYouâd probably make a mess without me,â he said, reaching out to wipe the Nutella off your cheek. âBut Iâve got your back.â
â---
ââWake up, husband. I need your back right now.â
âItâs 3:07 a.m.
âThe world is quiet. Peaceful.
âThen you shake Bob awake like youâre trying to resuscitate a startled walrus.
ââBobby,â you whisper. âI need something.â
âHis eyes open instantly. The man thinks youâre in labor forty weeks early. âWhat? Whatâs wrong? Are you hurting? Is it the baby? Say words.â
ââI need,â you say, with solemn importance, âa grilled cheese dipped in⌠mango pickle.â
âBob stares at you like the universe just asked him to solve quantum physics. âMango. Pickle.â
ââAnd grilled cheese. Together.â You nod. âPlease Robert. I can feel it in my soul.â
âHe rubs his face with both hands, muttering something so husband-coded it might legally qualify as prayer. But he gets up. Because he loves you. And because heâs too tired to argue with a pregnant person radiating sacred cravings energy.
âHe shuffles to the kitchen, hair sticking up like a confused baby chick, and begins assembling culinary war crimes.
âThe moment the pan sizzles, someone knocks on the door.
âBob jumps like he wasnât expecting visitors during his personal episode of Chopped: Pregnancy Edition.
âHe opens it to find Phoenix, holding a toolbox. âI smelled burning from next door. Thought you were dying.â
âBehind her, Fanboy peeks in. âIs that⌠cheese? Itâs 3 a.m.â
âYou appear in the hallway. âItâs not cheese. Itâs destiny.â
âFanboy nods solemnly. âI get it.â
âYou knocked-up too?â
âPhoenix walks in, sees the mango pickle jar, and freezes. âAre you two⌠cooking a felony?â
âBob stands at the stove, flipping the sandwich with the precision of a man resigned to weirdness. âShe wants it. Iâm making it. Please donât judge me.â
ââYouâre flipping it like itâs a bomb,â Phoenix says.
ââFeels like one,â he mutters.
âThe squad trickles in because apparently none of them sleep like normal humans. Also, they live right next door. Rooster rubs his eyes. Payback yawns. Hangman arrives last, holding his grumpy cat like a hostage.
ââWhatâs going on?â Hangman asks, already irritated. âI heard sizzling.â
âPhoenix gestures at the pan. âCravings.â
âHangman leans over Bobâs shoulder. âThat smells awful.â
âThe cat hisses.
âRooster winces. âDude, donât give that to her. Sheâll throw up on your shirt.â
âYou glare at him. âI wonât.â
âBob slides the monstrosity onto a plate. âEveryone stop talking. Sheâs happy and thatâs what matters.â
âFanboy claps softly like Bob just performed a magic trick.
âBob walks it over to you with the devotion of a man delivering a royal offering. You take one bite.
âThe entire room watches.
âYour eyes widen. âThis is the greatest thing Iâve ever tasted.â
âBob sags against the counter, whispering, âThank god.â
âHangman crosses his arms. âSo are we all making you snacks at nightmare oâclock now?â
ââNo.â You smile smugly. âJust Bob.â
âThe squad collectively pats his shoulder like heâs been drafted.
âBob just smiles at you, tired and soft, his whole face saying heâd do it a thousand times if it meant you smiled like that again.
âAnd for once, the squad doesnât tease him.
âWell⌠until Hangman mutters, âThe baby's gonna have rotten tastebuds.â
âThe cat hisses at him.
âAccurate.
â---
âThen there was the insomnia phase. It hit at around week 30. You couldnât sleep to save your life, no matter what you tried. Not only did your body feel like it was carrying a small planet, but Bob also snored like a bear trapped in a cave.
âYou tried to ignore it at first, rolling over in bed to put your pillow over your ears. But that didnât work. You tried nudging him to roll onto his side. That didnât work either.
âFinally, you gave up.
âYou shuffled out of bed, grabbing your pillow, and dragging yourself to the couch. It was going to be a long night.
âBut just as you settled in, hoping to catch at least a few hours of sleep, you heard it.
âThe sound of snoring-- louder, closer, and right in your ear.
âYou groaned and turned over, only to find Bob, with his eyes closed, his body curled around you. He had followed you out to the couch.
ââBob,â you muttered, half-amused, half-frustrated. âWhat are you doing here?â
âHe didnât open his eyes, but his hand reached out to pull you closer. âI canât sleep without you.â
âYou sighed, rolling your eyes, but honestly? It was kind of cute. Very cute. Your husband was the epitome of cute.
ââBob,â you grumbled again, but it was less of an argument and more of a why are you so perfect tone.
âBob let out a sleepy hum, nuzzling into your neck. âIf youâre not sleeping, Iâm not sleeping,â he mumbled.
âAnd even though you were exhausted, even though heâd just invaded your personal space in the middle of your insomniac meltdown, you couldnât help but smile. He was, in fact, the ultimate husband material.
---
Pregnancy hormones were like turning a dial labeled âmildly flirtyâ all the way up to feral chaos. One second you were normal, the next you were the apex predator of lust, eyes locking onto Bob like he owed her an apology and a blowjob.
Girlsâ night out was supposed to be wholesome. It was not. You were a few weeks pregnant and acting like a Victorian heiress fainting on a sofa. Hand on your debatable "flat" stomach, you sighed loudly enough to be heard three tables over.
âThe baby is craving a vacation in the south of France.â
Natalie tch'ed midâlip gloss application. âYouâve been pregnant for five minutes. The only trip youâre taking is to the bathroom.â
âOh?,â you said, sipping your drink like a queen with medical delusions. âI'll have you know, I donât control the babyâs desires, Nat. If the fetus wants a beach villa and a man named Laurent bringing us pastries, who am I to interfere?â
Reubenâs girlfriend snorted so hard she almost inhaled her straw. âGirl, how are you pregnant already? Itâs only been what? Half a year? You didnât even try to run out your warranty.â
You sighed. âIf my husband wasnât so stupidly fuckable, I would not be in this biological hostage situation.â
All three girls exploded like feral parrots.
âNot Bob Floyd!â Natalie slapped the table. âHe looks like he asks permission to breathe near you.â
The third girl, Esha chimed in, already a little tipsy. âNo, he looks like he sets a timer during sex. Like, âuh oh sweetie, Iâve hit my thrust quota for the day.ââ
The table roared. Actual shrieking. A waiter turned around like he was checking if someone needed emergency services.
You stared at them. Pleasantly. Smiling. Meanwhile, your soul was halfway to the moon.
Because the truth was sitting in your throat like a grenade:
Excuse me, my husband has a cute face, a killer fat cock, and eats me like heâs fulfilling a sacred oath. I am pregnant because he is dangerously good at what he does.
But instead you just said, with the politeness of a woman trying not to commit violence:
âHaha. Totally. Vanilla. Definitely not rearranging my spine. Sure.â
They kept giggling. You kept sipping. Your child, allegedly craving France, was probably already judging these women.
Finally, you rolled your eyes and muttered, âSorry my husband is perfect. As if thatâs my fault.â
Natalie waved a hand dramatically. âWhatever, youâre glowing. Thatâs how I know the sex is still good.â
âTrust me, if the glow ever fades, youâll hear him crying first.â you smirked into your drink. âAnd good honestly, Iâd hate for all his effort to go unappreciated.â
Natalie huffs. âSee, this is why youâre the married one and Iâm in situationships with men who fear soap.â
âMy guyâs idea of effort is remembering which side of the bed is mine.â another chimed in.
You, shaking your head, picked up the menu and immediately frowned, like it had personally betrayed you. Your eyes darted across page after page, each dish a tiny assault on your already fragile pregnancy brain. âWhy⌠why are there so many options?â you groaned, dragging a hand down your face.
Natalie peeked over your shoulder, trying not to grin. âUh⌠itâs a menu? You know⌠food?â
âNo, Natalie. Itâs a test. A trap designed to see if I can survive adulthood and motherhood at the same time. Look at this! Pasta! Risotto! Tiny salads! Enchiladas! And what if the baby hates the wrong one?â You jabbed a finger at the menu as if stabbing it for being cruel.
Esha tried to intervene, giving a sympathetic shrug. âItâs literally just food, you knowâŚâ
Also, baby brain.
âJust food?!â you snapped, voice rising like you were addressing a jury. âDo you even see whatâs happening here? Each choice is a commitment. Every wrong pick could result in permanent regret. Or-- worse-- the baby judging me silently while itâs still forming in my uterus!â
Rueben's girlfriend leaned in, wide-eyed. âUh⌠maybe the baby will just⌠like food?â
âOh no. Itâs not that simple!â you gasped, grabbing the edge of the table for support. âIf I choose the shrimp risotto, the baby could have preferred chicken! If I pick the chicken, the baby may secretly wish Iâd ordered the pasta! Thereâs no winning, I tell you. None. Absolute chaos!â
Natalie snorted, covering her mouth to keep from laughing. âOkay⌠I have to say, I did not expect to witness this level of dramatic culinary panic.â
You threw your napkin down in defeat, exhaling a long, exaggerated sigh. âGod, Iâm so mad... Iâm going home to touch my husbandâs tits so I wonât be mad anymore.â
Cue eyes rolling back to their brains.
Your phone buzzed on the counter. You picked it up, saw the name, and a grin spread across your face.
âOoooh, a pretty boy calling me,â you murmured, cheeks warming.
âWhoâs thiiiis?â you say with a smirk, your voice teasing even over the phone.
âHmm⌠could it be your devoted husband calling to remind you how much he misses you?â Bobâs voice is playful, but thereâs a soft warmth underneath.
You giggle, tilting your head. âOh really? Is that what youâre calling yourself now? Devoted, huh?â
âAbsolutely,â he says, chuckling. âAnd very concerned about my gorgeous wife being out on her own. Are you being good?â
âGood?â you laugh, resting your belly against the couch. âWho do you think youâre talking to? I might be a little⌠mischievous.â
âMischievous?â he repeats, mock horror in his tone. âI canât have that. I might have to come collect my troublemaker myself.â
You hum, delighted. âOh, I think youâd love that, wouldnât you?â
âIâd love it more than anything,â he says, voice melting soft. âI miss you. I miss this-- hearing your voice, laughing with you, just⌠being you.â
âHmm,â you sigh playfully, âyou better hurry then, or Iâll have all the fun by myself.â
âImpossible,â he murmurs, a warm smile in his voice. âIâll be there soon, and then all the fun will be ours. Count every second, m'love.â
You grin, feeling your heart swell. âIâm counting⌠and Iâll be waiting, hands and heart ready.â
Bob laughs softly, the kind that makes you feel safe and cherished. âThatâs my girl. See you soon, my beautiful wife.â
âAnd you, my handsome, insufferably sweet husband,â you whisper before hanging up, already feeling him near.
You hang up, cheeks still warm from hearing Bobâs voice.
Your friends are frozen, deathpan, eyes barely twitching as they take you in.
ââŚSo⌠weâre not enough for you anymore?â one murmurs, voice flat but just a touch heartbroken.
You giggle, leaning back and wiggling your fingers at them. âOh, silly! Youâll always be enough. But⌠heâs just my perfect boy, okay?â
The twitch in their eyes grows just a little, betraying their amusement, and one of them huffs softly. âAbsolutely disgusting.â
You laugh, pressing a hand to your belly, feeling all warm and fuzzy. âDisgusting? Girl, even talking to him isn't enough, I need to be inside his white blood cells and protect him.â
They groan in perfect unison, tiny smiles flickering, âTouch grass.â
You slam your hands on the table, making the cutlery rattle and your excitement practically vibrate through the room. âTouching grass isn't enough. I need to be fuckin' railed.â
The engine hums outside. You glance up-- Bobâs trusty navy blue truck.
You giggle, wave goodbye to your friends, and rise, swaying a little as you walk toward him.
Heâs already out of the car, hurrying, eyes locked on you, a smile that melts you waiting at the curb.
You meet him halfway; he brushes a strand of hair from your face, you laugh softly, leaning into him.
From inside, your friends watch through the window, hands pressed to the glass, eyes wide, tiny twitches betraying their jealousy as they take in your perfectly lovey-dovey bubble.
âAbsolutely unfair.â
âTheyâre literally showing off and itâs illegal.â
âJealous doesnât even start to cover it.â
---
You waddle inside, belly swaying slightly, the soft jingle of the front door announcing your arrival.
Bob follows behind, keys jingling in his hand, and the moment his eyes land on you⌠his grin brightens, then falters ever so slightly.
That look. The one that makes his heart skip and a warm, fluttery feeling spread through him. Playful. Mischievous. Softly dangerous in the most adorable way.
âUh-oh,â he murmurs, his voice half-laugh, half-whisper. âWhat is my pretty wife plotting now?â
He canât help it-- his grin grows, giddy and full of love, and he takes a small step closer, drawn to you like youâre the only thing in the room that matters.
Even just standing near you makes his chest feel too full, and he silently vows: no matter what sheâs planning⌠heâs exactly where he wants to be.
Bob barely gets another breath out when your hand lifts, fingers hooking into the waistband of his pants with slow, intentional purpose.
He freezes. His smile flickers. His soul briefly leaves his body.
You look up at him with the most solemn, ceremonial expression known to man, like youâre about to pass down a royal verdict.
âTop me,â you declare, voice grave and steady. âI deserve it.â
It sounds less like a request and more like youâre announcing a sentence from the High Court of Horny Pregnant Wives.
Bob blinks once. Twice. His ears go pink.
âSweetheart⌠you canât just--â
But youâre still holding his waistband like itâs evidence.
And you look terrifyingly committed.
âI⌠I canât dare,â he says, voice soft but firm. âThereâs a bun in the oven, my love. Thatâs⌠thatâs strictly off-limits territory.â
You tilt your head, eyes wide and soft, shimmering with a little pout. âDoesnât my dark circles make me look⌠irresistible?â then with a offended gasp, âYouâre telling me my exhaustion isn't attractive?â
He cups her face, looking into her eyes with all the warmth he feels. âExhaustion? I donât see it. I see the woman I love⌠more stunning than ever. Always.â
You giggle teethily, leaning into his touch, your belly brushing against him slightly, eyes wide and sparkling as you look up at him with all the adorableness in the world.
âThen fuck m--â
âNope.â
âCome on, Bob⌠just a littleâŚâ you whisper, voice soft and teasing, tilting your head.
He freezes, his grin faltering as he sees that mischievous glint. âAbsolutely not,â he says, voice firm but gentle, hands lingering on your sides. âItâs too⌠I donât know, darling. Feels weird. And⌠the baby might be watching.â
Your expression freezes into a calm, terrifying stillness-- like a storm gathering. Bob swallows hard, already regretting ever thinking ânoâ was an option.
âWhatever⌠whatever my goddess wants,â he whispers, voice soft and shaky, eyes wide and full of helpless adoration.
You tilt your head slightly, letting the tiniest smirk play on your lips. His hands hover uncertainly, unsure whether to pull you close or just stay frozen, completely undone by your gaze.
âYouâve got me, havenât you?â he murmurs, voice barely audible, like saying it aloud makes him even more vulnerable.
Your giggle is quiet but triumphant, brushing your belly lightly against him. His arms move almost automatically, wrapping you close, like a magnet drawn to your pull. Bob is utterly, hopelessly in love-- and completely yours.
Time passed, as it always does, and soon the chaos of bringing a tiny human into the world would test even the strongest heartsâŚ
Your eyes flutter open, heavy with sleep and the haze of labor, only to catch the sight of Bob curled up beside you, his cheeks streaked with tears, shoulders shaking with quiet sobs.
He grips your hand like heâs afraid you might vanish, burying his face against it. âI⌠I canât⌠weâre never doing this again!â he mutters dramatically, voice thick with emotion. âNever! You couldâve died! I-- God, I canât⌠I canât risk it ever again!â
You blink, still half-asleep, trying not to giggle at the sheer theatricality of him, the way heâs completely undone, completely vulnerable, and completely in love with you all at once.
âPissing me the fuck off all by yourself, handsome?,â you whisper, squeezing his hand back gently, your lips twitching at his ridiculous, heart-melting panic.
Bob lets out a shaky laugh, burying his face in your hand again, whispering, âNever⌠never again,â though you know that in a week, heâll be smitten and hopeless all over again.
Your gaze drifts lazily across the room, still heavy with exhaustion. On the other side, your dad leans in, gently handing you a cup of water. You manage a small, grateful smile as Bob hovers nearby, carefully helping you sit up.
A wince escapes you as your feet brush against the bed railing, and your dad immediately moves to the edge of the hospital bed, softly massaging them, as if trying to soothe every ache and worry away.
Bob instinctively leans closer to take over, hands hovering nervously, but your dad shoots him a sharp, almost-faulting glare, as if to say âthis is your doing, young man.â
Your mom sits beside you, damp cloth in hand, gliding it gently over your sweaty forehead. Her voice is soft and steady, brimming with pride. âYou did so well⌠so, so well,â she murmurs, brushing a stray hair from your face.
You close your eyes briefly, letting the mixture of care and love wash over you-- the quiet strength of your parents, the shaky devotion of your husband, and the overwhelming sense of everything theyâve all endured together.
âLook at those little hands! Already plotting world domination⌠or just snack time? Either works.â
Your eyes flutter open, heavy and hazy, and you take a slow, groggy blink. Across the room, a figure blocks part of your view-- Hangman, a little hunched over the crib, his hand in a cast from the labor chaos, but still smiling like nothing could bother him. Somehow, even injured, he radiates this strange, chaotic warmth.
A soft smile spreads across your lips, and you turn your head to Bob. âSo⌠what did you name the baby?â you ask quietly, voice still thick with sleep.
Bob grins, brushing a stray hair from your forehead. âI named her Lila,â he says softly, pride and love threading through every syllable.
Your lips part, eyes lighting up. âA girlâŚâ you whisper, the realization warm and strange all at once.
Bob nods, a mischievous glint flashing in his eyes. âYep⌠and I named her all by myself. So you...â he smiles, â...can have all the fun naming the baby boy.â
Your heart stops. âWait⌠baby boy?â you croak, eyes widening in shock.
Your gaze drops, and there it is-- Hangman standing carefully, cradling two babies in his arms. One sleeps peacefully, tiny chest rising and falling, while the other stares dead-on at Hangmanâs face, eyes wide and unwavering.
Twins.
You blink, dumbfounded, then glance at Bob, who just smirks, shrugging like itâs the most natural thing in the world. Hangman, oblivious to the chaos heâs caused, gives a small, proud hum, adjusting the sleeping baby with one hand, the other still in a cast, but handling them both like itâs second nature.
Your lips curl into a mixture of awe, exhaustion, and laughter. âTwins,â you breathe, shaking your head, utterly overwhelmed, and secretly thrilled.
âBob⌠I think the diaper budget just filed for bankruptcy.â
â
âż
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