#letter 4

Handsome stranger on the brink of death: Where are you going.

Walton: What?

Stranger: In which direction are you going.

Walton: To the North Pole and near certain death.

I must ask, and I apologise in advance for the same, but being 22 years old, have you heard Taylor Swift’s song 22? Last year most of my friends turned 22 – 1997 born – and I made it a point to send them that song because the part where it goes like “We’re happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. It’s miserable and magical oh yeah…” is the most accurate description of how it feels like to be 22. Or at least it did for me. How about you?

Spending time with someone without particularly doing something with them…I haven’t had that for a while. Makes me long for school days when my friends and I would hang out in my room but do our own thing daily. I would be on Facebook chatting with some guy I had a crush on. One of my friends would be going through my books. The other would be playing music and being our DJ. We would talk only when it came naturally and when we had something to say, which would be every 5 minutes haha. My mom getting us snacks – fresh cut fruits, sandwiches, juice – and making us all feel loved by genuinely asking us how everything was going in our life. We did the same thing every day but it was never once boring or dull. It was sweet, simple and real. Do we ever experience such simplicity and joy again? I know, I haven’t since then but I do hope you experience it occasionally.

9th grade. Let’s talk about that for a bit, shall we? I wonder what absolutely shattered your heart back then. Who shattered it. I know even though it’s been years since, it can be difficult to completely get over such devastating times. And I also know many don’t understand it. 9th grade was a particularly shit year for me too. It was the first time that I had a moment that made me question my sanity. I was particularly emotional, lonely and sad that whole academic year. My family had moved to a new city in which not only did I not fit in but starkly stood out and became a target for everyone. My friends had turned against me and I was finding solace in older men who only wanted to hurt me. I remember that day vividly. It was the last lecture in school and it was games. Everyone except a few people were down in the playground. I, along with some others, was up in class trying to finish our science journals for submission or just talk to our friends and not be out in the sun.

I had a silly fight with a friend and rushed to my desk, put my head down and started to cry. Another friend, who was busy trying to finish her science journal, and who clearly saw me cry, was sitting next to me. She approached me a few minutes later and she asked, ‘Hey, do you have an eraser?’ I lifted my head and looked at her in disbelief while tears continued to stream down my eyes. Really? Is that really what she wanted to ask me at that point? I was already hurt, felt unloved and miserable and this question just further strengthened that horrible mix of emotions. While crying I suddenly started to…laugh. I was laughing and crying at the same time and I couldn’t control this madness. Looking back now, of course I know it was a breakdown. And I have had similar breakdowns 3-4 times since but for a 9th grade student that was a bit too much to deal with. People say that all the horrible things that happened to us helped us become who we are. BULLSHIT. We became who we are despite the horrible things that happened to us. And I hope you know that.

It really lowered my spirits to hear that you can’t remember ever feeling absolutely loved. You said you like sitting in front of water bodies for a long time while there’s a lot of wind. My love, the wind…it plays with your hair, the water soothes your soul…how can you ever feel unloved? To connect with nature, to connect with the elements we are made of is a beautiful, rare thing that most people live their whole lives without ever experiencing. You are not one of them and you are precious.

As for expressing how you feel…I think you’ll do more of that when you’re surrounded by people who make you feel comfortable and safe. And the more you do that, I strongly believe that you’ll meet more people who make you feel that way. I know it isn’t easy for everyone, but once you do start trying to express yourself more honestly, you will feel liberated and courageous – all in good time.

For now, let me express something to you – I know I don’t know you and that a few answers can’t possibly make me think that I do. And I don’t. But I do know how reading them and how writing this letter to you made me feel. It made me feel like part in me understood and connected to a part in you. And to that part I want to say – you are doing good. You will feel better. Things change and so will you. And one day it won’t all be so hard anymore. Until then, take good care of yourself and keep spending time with nature because it gets us and our peculiar souls.

Sending you so much love,

Nikki

Guys, February is 29 days of love letters. I’m writing love letters, as part of The Love Project, and if you’d like me to write one to you, drop me an email at [email protected]

My dad’s new place, the living room

Hi Rose,

You were right to assume I just needed to vent. I saw how my dad couldn’t really help it when I reread my letter and after we both apologized we had a pizza dinner in front of the telly. I suppose he didn’t deserve me getting mad at him because this is all new for him too. I got ice cream out of it though so I don’t feel very guilty about it. And a small room is less trouble to keep clean, plus I’m getting a king size high sleeper. Life could be worse.

Also *insert emo teenager voice here* don’t tell me what I can and can’t do Rose! You are not my mother! (She yelled while really regretting that she didn’t sleep the night before) I am dead on my feet, but also really glad to hear I sacrificed my sleep for a good cause.

Sucks to hear about the weather by the way, but at least you have an amazing tower to protect you from it! If Luna’s descriptions of the common room and the beds are anything to go by you got into the best house in the castle. I hope you do, you deserve it.

As for the recipes, I have some lying about here but my dad mostly cooks without instructions so I’ll have to dive into some bookstores. Of course I will curse you and your cow for making me do that because as you well know I hate books. And food, eww gross. 

Though I do hope you actually need these things and don’t just ask for them as a form of occupational therapy. I would not appreciate that.

I am thinking of sending James a howler for what he did with the shampoo, just for the hell of it. I mean it really was a terrible idea to only target the generic shampoo, and I have always wanted to send a howler to him. I tried to several times at the start of his first year but Albus always stopped me, and then the divorce happened so my mindset wasn’t really right for it.

There’s nothing stopping me now though. Not even my dad because there’s some guy whose house he needs to spy on because he keeps getting death threats or something. I rather suspect that he’s seeing a therapist and doesn’t want me to know about it, but that’s just guessing. He looks less awful then he did just after the divorce in march, but that could be because he’s eating better now.

Anyway I hope you’re having a nice first week. I’ll be at WWW tomorrow so I might not answer right away but as always I look forward to your letter.

With just a little bit of love because I do not appreciate losing,

We find something to love in others when they’ve lost sight of what they once loved in us. 

How terrible it must be. To realize, after years of tearing yourself apart in the pursuit of what you think love is, that you had found it and left it behind years ago. 

I’d never wanted this before. I’d never wondered so much about how it might feel to hold someone else’s hand, and find solace in the knowledge that they find solace in yours. I’d never thought so much about how it might feel to lean my head on someone else’s shoulder, or let myself feel secure in their arms. I’d never felt so willing to imagine letting them catch a glimpse of my burdens, and to strain to peak at theirs. We glanced at each other’s playlists on the ride home, and it was a weird parallel to how we used to send each other music recommendations in middle school. Send me you thoughts, and I’ll give them a listen. I’d never let myself stray so close to the brink of co-dependency… and it scares me. 

I’ve heard that years ago, they had thought they’d found you in me. Can you imagine? That they somehow found something in me to even bat an eye at? Like always, I had pretended that I didn’t know anything, and I still do the same today. My reasoning for remaining at a distance is as prevalent as ever, and after some thought on my part, I now remember why. 

I am terrified of being a source of disillusionment. Of people holding me up to an image I can't live up to, and being disappointed when they realize that I’m not all they thought I was. When they realize that I’m not worth loving at all, and that there’s someone better, which of course, there always is. So I prepare myself for the inevitable, and keep all feelings at bay to ward off attachments before they can form. 

Ever lovely, little, and lonely. 

My adorable Rey,

Well, my morning has been more lively than anticipated. I must say, that was very cunning of you, to use my previous message, specifically my totally-not-premeditated remark on my daily routine, to help plan an attack. Impudent and cunning. Two things I love about you.

I only wish that you’d come yourself. I’m afraid that Resistance strike team has failed in their mission to capture me at the First Order gift shop. I spared some to track back to your base, but a few of the most annoyingly persistent ones - let’s just say there’s not much left of them. Before you chide me, please keep in mind that I really did act in self-defense. Though I would be a liar if I said that my disappointment in your absence wasn’t very much on my mind at the time. I suppose I do have a tiny bit of a temper, every now and then.

Even though you weren’t there, the mere knowledge that you must have helped plan my capture is very heartening indeed. It makes me hope, nay actually believe that deep down, you really do want to see me. Perhaps you are suffering, languishing, dying to be with me, as I am to be with you! Yes. That must be it.

Fear not, my darling! I am coming for you. Some night, in the very near future, you will go to your window, and find me down below, ready to sweep you off your feet. Your bedroom does have a second story window, right? Oh and a balcony. A balcony would be perfect.

In the meantime, I have one more token from the gift shop. Something for you to snuggle with at night, while you wait for my arrival.

With love as boundless as space itself,

Kylo

PS.  See you soon ;)

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