Listen, I think Enjolras takes spiders outside. I do, I think he hates the idea of killing anything, even if heâs scared of it, so he very very bravely goes and gets a cup and a piece of paper and scoops them up to dump them in the bushes. If (roommates) Combeferre is home, though, he absolutely makes him do it. Itâs mostly a very efficient system.
*cut to Courfeyrac, joining a Zoom call with Les Amis. They are greeting him when they notice that there are loud voices in the background.*
âItâs him or me, Alain! Either he goes, or I do! You canât have us both!â
âListen, Antoine, it doesnât have to be this way. Just have some patience, okay, we can work this outââ
âWe cannot ! I see how it is! I see how it is! I wonât be treated like this in my own house! No, youâve made yourself very clear, youâve made your choice, and itâs not me!âten years together down the drain, just like that!â
âAntoine, please. Look at me. I donât understand why you canât just give him a chance. Heâs a part of a vulnerable populationââ
âGive him a chance?? I donât care if heâs an endangered species!! Get him out of my house, Alain, or so help me God I will do it myself, one way or another!â
âOh, so you hate nature? You hate nature, and minorities, and you want them to sufferâput that down, Antoine. You donât want to do this. Put it down.â
âDonât you talk to me like that, Alain. I wonât be disrespected like this in my own house. Give him here, or Iâll do it. I mean that. I really mean that.â
âI absolutely would. Now.â
âNow, Alain! Or Iâllââ
âCourfeyrac, what the fuck is going on over there? Who is that?â
He just looks so fucking done with everything. Runs a hand down his face and talks through his fingers. âMy dearest friends, two of the smartest people I know, being absolute dumbasses.â
Thereâs a loud thwack from somewhere off screen, and dead silence for a stunned moment. Courfeyrac inhales sharply. âOh, please no.â
And then the voices again.
âIâll do it again!â
âWhat is happening!?â Joly wails, and everyone looks really worried.
Courfeyrac slowly pans the camera around to reveal Enjolras standing threateningly over Combeferre, sandal in hand, trembling head to toe. Combeferre is hunched over around something in his hands. Both look distraught and enraged.
âCombeferre,â Courfeyrac says loudly. âWeâve had this conversation. Take the spider outside.â
Shuffling. âFrancisââ
âAlain Beren Combeferre. Take him out. I donât care how endangered of a species he is. You can bring him to your professor if itâs that important to you. But it has to happen now, or I think Enjolras is going to start crying again. Out.â
You might ask, donât the amis know each others voices? Which yes, they do, BUT no one has ever heard Combeferre get desperate or raise his voice OR Enjolras hysterical. Yes they both have specific Spider Problem voices which set off Courfeyracâs radar from anywhere within a mile radius. It doesnât happen often, but if heâs not there, itâs a whole-ass Thing.
