#leparct

anger ? the sheer disbelief he was hearing right now after everything they’d been through , or at least thought he knew her . the majority part of him of course still cares for her but making it seem like everything they had shared was never real almost felt like a drop of trust , or really it just felt like she was dropping him as if he never mattered . “—anger? No I’m-“ speechless was what he was. there’s a gasp for quick breath as he slightly scoffed , “ I just , I refuse to believe that nothing was real or whatever you’re saying right now. ” A THOUSAND QUESTIONS ALREADY CLOUDING HIS MIND LIKE EQUATIONS THAT HE COULD NEVER SOLVE . couldn’t even decipher the feeling that’s forming , if it was betrayal or disappointment . or simply that he wants to still believe she’s pulling some ridiculous prank on him .

Jules…
Julie…It’s me Steve… I know that’s not your name but I just, it still matters for you to know that you’ve always been real to me. I got your letter and i wish there was a way i could respond back. I wish there was a way I could take everything back, what I said that day. What I did. I know you’ll say there’s nothing I could’ve done to change you leaving but i wish you knew how much i wanted to try. I always think about that day you left, what was tomorrow going to be like. I was selfish in the moment thinking that you had abandoned me. Then i realised and thought about you and if you are safe, thought about following you, with no direction or even idea where you’d be then realising you’d call me stupid if i did end up finding you. I feel stupid.

I should’ve told you how much you’ve changed my life, saw me for me and you made me realise that i could be more. Part of me always wished you were going to be a part of it all, my future. I was daydreaming too much to realise that I should’ve said something instead of letting time pass. I never told you this but i remember the day I did see you, or Eddie would say ‘notice you’. You were wearing this, beige cardigan and this light purple shirt underneath with your books to your chest leaning at your locker while observing everyone which took me by curiosity i guess, because for a second that observation turned to me and i remember that was one of the first times we’ve locked eyes to each other. It was just for a second but i remember it like yesterday, then I walked past you during second period while everyone else was handing flyers for the basketball game of the season. I had always seen you before we eventually talked after school and i hated that your first impression of me was with a bloody eye, really sticking well to staying away from me and what I used to be before…us. Maybe it was you trying to get to know everyone but I knew then, something clicked with us, with me and you.

I remember you knew how to mend a bruise like it was nothing, now I know why you knew how to but it still doesn’t remove the value of care you did have because I felt it. Or the first time you finally laughed at one of my jokes was a time i knew i wanted to make you laugh forever, i wanted it to be me for the reason you did smile. I wish i had said all of these to you whenever I made you stay longer, when it was just me and you. I miss picking you up, and driving you around even when Dustin would butt in. It kinda sucks he’s taken shotgun again…. But when you come back that spot will always be yours.

I miss you…

it’s been a long time since you’ve cared for anyone, there was a time where you had lost all hope —down the wrong tracks as they would say. but it ran deeper than that, getting close to people meant sacrificing a part of you that you once forgot since being thrown out the system. it wasn’t easy having any kind of relationship whether it be platonic or relationship, the very ‘last’ one being one that got away and at the time she —leopard— was a time in your life that you often snap from. Now it was about clean slate, running from every red trace of your name tainted by power hungry dogs even if you knew you’d be on the run forever.

It’s all wrong.　Somehow,　some way,　it shouldn’t be like this.　You are supposed to be at odds forever,　planning a swift and competent demise to befall her in retaliation for what she did to Professor.　It wouldn’t be easy　⸻　she knows you’re onto her,　that you’re the only asset making waves in reclaiming the IRG’s missing property,　and that’s the fun part,　like a cat taunting the vermin it’s taken as prey　⸻　but you’ve never been one for easy.　It fundamentally opposes the criteria for your existence.　How strange it is that the urge has entirely subsided,　slipped precariously through your fickle,　cost fingers.　You aren’t sure why.　You’ve never been sure of anything,　and have never found it in yourself to question.　Weapons do not think for themselves,　do not have the capacity for original thought,　so flash those sweet,　dead eyes,　and do what you’re commanded to.

Ah,　but you’re still not thinking for yourself,　now.　You have been parked in front of a full-body mirror,　staring to a blank mien that stares back without scrutiny.　A dress-up doll clad in whatever Rebecca proposes you try 　(Rebecca　⸻　the name will never get easier to use　/　you don’t understand the hype around names because Leopard has always suited you well enough,　and you’ve always buckled at the prospect of Professor using it on you,　affirming your very purpose with it)　while you blink at your reflection,　seeing if any emotion will stir.

Nothing yet. You come to her with a dilemma,　and for reasons you cannot discern,　she wants to help.　There’s a boy,　a pesky boy,　turning up repeatedly in your automatic thought processes　⸻　what does it mean,　really?　You feel helpless,　what with your heart fighting to pry itself from your ribcage,　spread gore and crimson onto the floor like a gaping gunshot wound.　The embarrassment this liability floods you with is unprecedented,　a fracture,　another,　another,　cascading like spindly veins throughout your armature.　It’s stupid.　You want him to like what you wear,　to pay attention to the way you present yourself in the downtime,　even when it’s not about the sex or the midnight blue satin you’ve ensconced yourself in.　You want to kill him and you want to keep a watchful eye on him,　and that’s what makes this so dire.　Maybe Rebecca will understand you.