#left unsaid

***

Dear, Sherlock

Retrospect is a bitch, isn’t it. But so is fear. You always called me brave, remember. Well, you were wrong about that, Sherlock. I am a coward. If I had been brave, I would’ve said what I’m about to write, to your face instead of placing this letter on your grave where you won’t be able to read it.

I love you, Sherlock Holmes. Not in the platonic-best friends-flatmates kind of way. The other way. The opposite way. The way everyone assumed from the very first day we met. The I-am-in-love-with-you kind of way. 

You were so beautiful that night at Angelo’s. Took my breath away, is what you did, and I couldn’t help myself. I had to know if there was someone special in your life. God, I still cringe thinking about it! You were so gracious about it all. Let me down so gently, totally unprecedented by your normal standards. That’s when I knew you had the biggest heart. You had every right to be rude, to brush me off. We’d only known each other for hours for Christ’s sake!

Well, that’s what I’ve wanted to say for the longest time. I don’t know if you changed your mind after that night. But your brother, Greg, and our landlady seem to agree that I’ve made an impact on you. Mycroft was particularly bemused when he learned that you actually listened to me and tried not to be too harsh with witnesses and clients.

I don’t know, Sherlock. I’m still grieving. Coherency was more your thing than mine anyway. It doesn’t matter. You’re dead and won’t read this. It has more to do with my sanity at this point. The words needed saying, and I don’t want anyone else to read them. I’m the only one who comes here, so it will be safe until tomorrow. 

Forever yours. John

Tears are trickling down my cheeks when I’ve read the letter.

“Oh, John,” I whisper. “I am so sorry.”

***

When I return the next day, the letter is gone.

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