#last week

Monday

So the week begins, and I’ll admit, [clears throat] I have had a disastrous couple of weeks diet wise, but I am- New day one! I am determined not to let this string of bad days beat me. No more drinking, no more eating food. I’m going to my first weight loss treatment in a few weeks now, and it’s gonna be good, we’re gonna be back on track, okay? I’m not- not getting back on the chubby train.

-

Well, despite the fact that I’ve pretty much blown out my diet for the past two weeks, I’m pretty happy to discover that I’ve actually still lost weight, so, looks like my metabolism is finally working in my favour. Now to pick up some art supplies, so I can finally draw those Pokemon pictures that I promised I would do.

-

Elliot: Hello

Tom: Hi~

Elliot: You selling any- Is this a shop?

Tom: No, fuck off.

Elliot: It’s not a shop.

Tom: No.

Ellliot: I’m going home.

-

Elliot and I are having our weekly Game of Thrones sleepover, which is then to be followed by Adventure Time sleepover, and then sleep sleepover. We get a lot done.

Elliot: Who knows what’s going to happen on Game of Thrones.

Tom: Someone’s gonna die.

Elliot: At least one person.

Tom: Now available on Now TV.

-

Tom: Who likes Game of Thrones?

Elliot: Tom does!

Tom: N- No-

Elliot: You don’t like Game of Thrones?

Tom: Well I do but- Elliot.

[Zooms in on “Let it Snow” shirt]

Elliot: What?

Tom: [Mumbles in defeat]

Tuesday

Tom: What is up, Drama Alert Nation?

Eddie: Ey.

Elliot: (I thought Last Weeks) started with a Monday.

Tom: [mumbles] It’s Last Week’s!

Elliot: It started with a Monday!

Tom: It’s a Monday!

Eddie: It always does, it starts with a Monday!

-

Tom: Eddie.

Eddie: Wha?

Tom: I got you a present.

Eddie: Whaaaaat? What could it be? Aaaa shiiit.

Tom: Put it on! Yay!

[Eddie laughs]

Tom: So pretty.

Eddie: Thank you Tom.

-

Everyone is very hard at work, of course. So right now I consider us to be very much in the first sort of season, or stage, of Crash Zoom, where we just kinda getting to know the- the characters and their interests, and what they’re like as people. Uh, but I do very much want to eventually jump into a sort of, uh, an actual story, some arcs and really get to know them, and give the show a little bit of heart and purpose. Uh, and that’s something I think we’ve been thinking a lot about today. 

Uh, yeah, because I know exactly what I want to do for the rest of this year though, with all the upcoming Crash Zoom episodes, there’s not really much room to start really introducing a story yet, so we’re still just kinda getting to know them. I kinda wanna, I’m kinda looking at Eddsworld a lot for inspiration, y’know kinda, the show just originally started with, just, a bunch of friends getting murdered in different situations, and I want to eventually evolve it into more than just sorta like, standalone sketches with the characters to an actual continuing narrative, so, wish me luck!

[Silence]

Tom: Eddie, can we get back to work please!

Eddie: No!

Tom: Eddie!

Eddie: No!

-

Tom: Elliot, I wanted you to blur our office address out.

Elliot: I tried.

Tom: Covering it with a frog is not helping!

Elliot: But it’s the boy. Dat Boi.

Tom: You fucked that up didn’t you-

Elliot: Yo waddup. [Laughs]

-

Today’s just been a weird kind of emotional burnout for me. Like, obviously I didn’t wanna just whip the camera out and have a little chat about it but, I dunno, maybe it’s just part of me screwing around with the diet and drinking alcohol, but yeah, my head’s just been all over the place and I’ve just been filled with such a confrontational spirit, like I just wanna fight. And I just- I just keep feeling so angry and, I dunno. But, hopefully tomorrow is going to be a lot better. I really hope tomorrow is better.

Wednesday

The day begins, actually it’s midday but that doesn’t matter, with Eddie and I- this Eddie.

Eddie: That Eddie. This one.

Tom: Why do you always wear shirts two days in a row, Eddie?

Eddie: I’m scum.

Tom: Oh yeah. We’re writing a new episode of Crash Zoom, because we’re trying to get, like, hella on top of it. I don’t know why I said “Hella”.

[Eddie laughs]

Tom: It just seemed right at the time.

Eddie: You’re so cool, Tom. You’re a cool dude.

Tom: I’m so cool.

-

Whooooa. So we’ve just had yet another one of those emails where we might get a brand deal. I like talking about the kind of stuff that might happen, with you, so you can see just how much stuff doesn’t actually happen. We’ve just been offered to potentially do a video to help promote Preacher, the new Amazon Prime series coming, and that’s something I really would love to do because I really like a lot of the stuff that Garth Ennis, the original comic creator, has created, so I would like to do- I’d like to do it, I’d like to get involved. Um... But, the original thing they wanted is, they suggested that we do a cartoon for them, but they also wanted to release the cartoon inside of three weeks, and also we have to do some recording for it, on the first day of MCM so obviously that can’t happen but I wanna do it. I wanna- I wanna be involved. I hope this happens, I hope anything happens.

Eddie: Me too.

Tom: This is just a documentation of just, things going wrong, isn’t it?

[Eddie laughs]

-

So if you all remember last week, I plugged in a Nest Camera which I was given by Youtube which has been providing me with a livestream of my hallway for the past week, which has been very fun. It emails me to let me know whenever anyone is in my hallway, and 90% of the time it’s me that’s in my hallway, because I live alone. And this has been fine, kinda silly, kinda fun. But it kinda crossed the line today when it emailed me and subsequently Eddie, who was at work, a photo of me running through my own hallway, very naked. So I- I think it’s time we unplugged this camera.

-

So as I mentioned a couple of vlogs ago, my girlfriend sells these really cool portraits on her etsy, of, y’know, you and your favourite Pokemon and I decided that- [Thumping noise] Ooo, for a limited week, if you bought one, I would also draw the same drawing as her, but really really badly. Um, and this resulted in a lot more sales than expected, so I am drawing these now. And, as expected, they are terrible. They’re just- just awful. So if you ordered one of those, sorry they haven’t arrived yet. That’s because I’ve been drawing them and also they are awful. I’m doing just a- just a god awful job. It’s just terrible. I’d say I’m sorry but y-you bought them. Stupid.

Thursday

Elliot, in the intro: What- What’s going on.

-

So I’m going to a movie premiere tonight. A premiere of the movie called “The Nice Guys” and the dress code is 70’s optional. So I- I obviously didn't live in the 70’s, did I? So I don’t know what I’m doing.

Is this kinda 70’s? I’ve got the chest hair out. Get the- Mm baby. [Laughs]

Y’know am I bitter that my uber driver, who was a terrible uber drive hence why I’m now flying in the sky, was dressed more 70’s than me? Yes I am. I’m very bitter.

-

Tom: Gooood morning everybody.

Elliot: Morning.

Eddie: Hi.

Tom: Who’s dressed appropriately?

Elliot: I didn’t realize there was a 70’s theme.

Tom: Pathetic. [Looks at Eddie] Better.

-

Just finishing up the design for the Crash Zoom poster we’re going to give out and signing for free at MCM, so swing by and get one of these, oh shit.

-

So I- I’m really really struggling to come up with a vlog to film today, I don’t know why, I’ve just got the writer’s- Look, it’s Elliot! -I’ve got the writer’s block real bad and there’s nothing I feel passionate about talking about, but I did have this vlog series that I had planned on doing called Money Week where I was going to do three vlogs, or five vlogs all about the different ways you make money on youtube, how it works, y’know just kinda dispel a lot of the rumours about money, and just answer a lot of questions. Uh, we filmed the first one, and then I- I haven’t yet written the other ones so what we’re doing is we’re just gonna release the first one on Friday. That’s what I’m gonna do. Cuz I’m lazy.

Elliot: Yeah!

Tom: Yay!

-

So we’re here at “The Nice Guys” premiere, I’ve got these guys looking slightly more 70’s-ish. Um, which basically to me just means “Get more chest out” and collars. I- I dunno what I’m doing. Let’s watch- Let’s do the thing. Let’s- Oh my god.

-

Oh my god, it’s Ashens. Let- There he is- What a prick.

Elliot: I feel like he’s lost.

-

[Watching some guy dance to Uptown Funk]

Tom: Gotta admire the showmanship.

-

Eddie: I’m on the red carpet. Well, orange carpet, but still.

Tom: Ah shit.

-

Tom: We’re gonna see a movie. We’re gonna see a movie.

Eddie: We’re gonna see “The Nice Guys”, as we all know, they finish last. So we’re gonna be here a while.

Tom: I don’t get it.

-

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, give your loudest, biggest welcome, for Ryan Gosling!

[Cheers]

-

Ryan Gosling: -apocalypse now, but I got a feeling it felt pretty much the same as it does today. You’re looking down the barrel of cinematic history, and you’re all a part of it, all a part of cinematic history.

Friday

Aaaaa, so I managed to accidentally fill up my phone at “The Nice Guys” premiere, so jump-cut to today. But the movie was good! It was a nice, fun movie. I think some of us enjoyed it. Elliot-

Elliot: I did

Tom: Did. Eddie-

Eddie: Yes.

Tom: -Did. 

Uh, only criticism is that it’s narratively very reliant on luck, and deus-ex machinas, but it’s fun! It’s a fun movie. I like detectives, I like things. I may have stolen- I may have- I can’t- There’s no proof.

-

Elliot had an unexpected reaction to me slapping his arm.

-

This is a casual reminder that if you didn’t get one of those Pokemon drawings, you stupid. Because you missed out.

-

I’m sorry, can we talk about how black Donkey Kong is the only one with his skin darkened. Is that okay?

-

Just do something.

-

Green Donkey Kong!

-

Tom: Oh my god.

Eddie: [something inaudible]

Tom: No, NO! No, Green Donkey Kong!

-

Green Donkey Kong!

[Eddie cackling in background]

Come on, you can do it!

Eddie: No-

Tom: No!

-

[Steven Universe footage]

Saturday

Last night we wanted to go see “X-Men Apocalypse”, but all the seats were sold, so we had to go back to mine. And we watched “Bee Movie”. And I’m just sitting here and thinking about what I’ve done. I think I’m a bad person, I made everyone watch “Bee Movie”. [Sniffs] It’s- It’s not a good movie. Ehh-. I’m really sorry everyone- Get off.

Charlie, offscreen: [Laughs]

-

Tom: Ooh, it’s a lovely day for a walk, innit Charlie? This was a good idea, wasn’t it?

Charlie: Fuck you.

Tom: Whose idea was this again?

Charlie: Fuck you.

Tom: Yeah, that’s what I thought.

-

One of my favourite games to play in shops is called “Find Zoella”, where you have to look at all of the magazines, and find Zoella. It’s not a very hard to figure out game.

[Zooms in on magazine] There she is!

-

So, in trying to be healthy, I have made my first ever salad, all by myself, with Charlie’s help. It’s not 100% healthy, but it’s more healthy than a pizza so look, a salad! A Salad! I’m- Charlie! C-Couldn’t have done it without Charlie.

Charlie: Don’t bring me into this.

I just realized that I have tampons in shot. They’re not Charlie’s, they’re mine. I think it’s important to have a well-stocked house if you are to be an effective host. 

I’m going to go back to my salad now.

-

No. Nooooo!

[Pulls aside curtain to reveal ice-cream truck]

Get out of here, you motherfucker!

-

So I’ve just started playing “Uncharted 4” and I’m only a couple of levels into it but- I just wanna say I know that kind of game isn’t for everyone, that kind of very cinematic kind of like, you’re just playing a movie kind of game y’know but, I love it. I just think it’s so nice, and I think the performances are lovely and the visuals are lovely and arrgh, I just like it, I always forget how much I enjoy “Uncharted” and just, good- good job Naughty Dog. Also it was very weird playing Crash Bandicoot in the game. Spoiler. But that was amazing, argh, I like it. I’m very hopeful for the rest of this game.

-

Charlie, there’s a cat in my garden! Hey cat! Cat, fuck you!

Charlie, off-screen: Toooooooom.

[Tom laughs] Brilliant.

-

I’m taking Charlie to see “Captain America: Civil War”.

Charlie: Yaaay.

I’m excited to see it again. I don’t really care what she thinks, it’s all for me. Meee.

-

I just watched a man fully slap a woman’s ass, that he didn’t know that woman, he was like “Ooh, lovely!” and she lost her shit. I’ve like never seen that happen in real life. Holy shit.

Charlie, offscreen: You’ve never seen that happen?

Tom: No, I’ve never seen it happen in real life. Because I’m always the one doing it.

Charlie: Turn around.

Tom, waving at some fans: Hello! Fair enough.

-

So I just saw Civil War! “Captain America: Civil War” for the second time, and I still love it, and it’s still great. Charlie, how did you feel about it?

Charlie: Yeah, it was good.

Tom: You Peggy Carter-ed your hair and everything.

Charlie: I did not! It was unintentional!

Tom: Well, you’re still Peggy Carter-ing your hair. 

I figured out exactly what it was, exactly what stuck with me with the VFX. And it is, it is specifically Tony Stark’s head during-

Charlie: Which you lovingly pointed out and ruined it for me for me.

Tom: I’m sorry! -Tony Stark’s head during the airport scene. It is mental and clearly they did it with- He was supposed to have his helmet on and they just went ”Nah, let’s just do his actual head” and it looks crazy. It looks so crazy, his head is just so placed on, and it’s- ooh, it’s not great. But it’s still an amazing movie. If it were a woman, I’d give it a uh,

[Pans to Charlie, then back to Tom] 

I’d be friends with it and nothing else. Platonic.

Sunday

Tara is so good at parking, look at this incredibly small space she just parked in after crying about it for two minutes.

Tara: It was difficult!

Tom: Was it?

Tara: It’s on a slope! 

Tom: Oh a slope?

Tara: We’re on a slope!

Tom: A slope?

-

Found some really cool people. Look here they are. Look, look how cool they are.

Tara: Cooler than you.

Tom: Not fucking possible.

-

He-Hello, and welcome to “Trying not to be a fat piece of shit with Tomska.”

-

Elliot: I’m gonna go with [muffled]-

Tara: Woooo!

Tom: Fuuuuck!

Tara: Thank you. Thank you.

Tom: Wrong decision, it should have been the heroine.

-

So we’re playing a game called “Drawy Drawy, Leftie Leftie”. I think it should be called “Drawy Drawy, Righty Righty”, where you draw something, then you pass it on to the left, then someone has to describe it, then someone has to draw an image based on that description. S’basically a fun game, we played it at the end of “Tomska’s Day Out 10”, the one that I need to edit still. We’re having fun, look.

[Friends cheer]

Look at this fun we’re having. Good lord we’re having fun.

-

Elliot: I’m naked.

Sammy: Oh. A naked Tom-

Tom: Nice.

Sammy: with a small penis-

Tom: There’s no penis in the picture!

Sammy: -and a pair of fucking fabulous tits. Like really great tits.

-

[Group laughing over image]

Sammy: It’s just the checkers!

[Indistinct group chatter]

-

I think we need to appreciate my interpretation of Sammy’s starting sentence.

[“Draw me Sonic draw me like one of your french girls”!]

It’s vewy nice.

-

Ah, and the week is over. Staying up to stupid o’clock talking shit with Sammy is becoming one of my favourite things to do. It’s very enjoyable. I wanted to end this week by talking about something, and that is that I have always appreciated the relationship that we have had, I’ve never felt like I have a “Crazy Audience” or that I am at risk of getting a stalker, and that’s why I’ve always been quite careless with filming my house or my work in, y’know, “Last Week” or “Tomska’s Day Out” because I never feel that I’m at risk of someone showing up at my front door or at my work and asking for a selfie. I do try to make myself very available, I’m always very happy to meet people in public, I try to go to lots of conventions. 

Um, but I clearly have a gap in my communication with any sort of letters or anything. And I’m talking about this because I had a letter come in through my door recently, it’s a lovely letter and I wanna thank the person who wrote it because it’s really nice and I’m glad I could be a part of your life. But clearly I should have a way for letters to come, so now I have a P.O Box, I have decided that this is time for a P.O Box, and I’ll also include it in the description.

[TomSka

C/O FlipSide Talent

Shepherd's Building Central

Charecroft Way

Shepherd's Bush

London

W14 0EE]

Because I would like- That is- I think that is a preferred way to do this. Um, I will admit that I am awful at replying to letters so, I’m sorry if I don’t reply. But yeah, I just wanted to say thank you again, for being a very calm and respectful audience. I mean I get it, this letter is- I’m not upset about this, this is a lovely letter I just- for future reference, letters to the PO Box thing. That would be very lovely. Now I’m going to go to sleep for a whole six hours before I go to work so uh, thank you for watching and I will see you Last Week.

Tomska Out.