#laportefire

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In an interesting conversation with God the other day, I was unusually chatty. So much so that I could actually sense His eyes slowly glazing over. In the end, His reply which I hope I got right (otherwise, how embarrassing!) were four simple words: Caritas Christi urget nos (Latin! Of course! This IS God after all!). These words were something I knew well as they were ingrained by The Sisters of St. Paul of Chartres (SPC) to every Paulinian during my years at my Alma Mater, St. Paul College Quezon City (now St. Paul University).

The Love of Christ compels us. (2 Corinthians 5:14)

My question to God was not why did this happen? My question to God was what makes me worthy of all of the blessings that followed what had happened? My family and I may have lost a lot of things in the fire but the outpour of clothes, donations, and blessings are just incredible and more than we will ever need; truly more than what we know we deserve.

In re-evaluating certain things I recently came to the conclusion that this devastation did not complicate life but in fact, (at least for me) simplified it. As much as we love and miss the things we've held on to and treasured for years, everything we really need and the things that matter the most did not burn like the vehicles we took, the Weiner dogs, our sanity, humanity.

…

Now moving on from the grief and the anger I initially felt, everyday seems better than the last because the moment of why, God? Why? has now turned into Ok God, you have my full attention now. Let me get a pen and...a scroll.

Thus begins the start of a new day and a new life and some cleaning up in between (‘cause Lord, Your simplification process is a tad bit ashy).

Update: We are clear to clean up now but we are also waiting for the clean up crew provided by the county to help us out.

May the Charity of Christ urge us on now and forever. Amen.

Day 24: Surviving #LaPorteFire

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“Often it takes something major to wake us up as we struggle to maintain an illusion of control.”

- Madisyn Taylor, The Places We Go

JEREMY and I recently visited the property in Bangor. This was my first visit since evacuation so and the only visual I had of the property and all the damage were through photos he had taken a few days shortly after the fire.

Unrecognizable

What was I to expect after a fire this enormous? I don’t know but I surely did not expect to see what I did. As we drove into the town, we stopped by the Post Office and everything around it was was torched. Everything except for the Post Office. Upon evacuation, these road to town were closed to us so we took to Forbestown to get to Chico. Seeing everything now is beyond devastating.  

Like a Post-Apocalyptic Film Set

The only way I can describe what I saw is to tell you that it seemed like something you only seen in movies. So much so that my mind felt like it was playing tricks on me. Was this just the Aftermath maze at Six Flags Magic Mountain or a well-constructed backdrop to a horrifying zombie movie?

Nope.

None of the above.

This was real. Regardless of how surreal it all seemed.

I stood there, dumbfounded and uncertain of what to do with myself. I wanted to leave but my feet just brought me closer to the house or what was once the house. To distract myself from completely losing it, I just started filming. Snapping photos, I tried to not think about anything and attempted to emotionally remove myself from the present changing my mindset from that of a survivor/victim to that of a filmmaker (Sort of like meditation...but...not really). I suppose it was important for me to be there and to see things with my own eyes; to have the opportunity for closure and to grieve because this house truly felt like a living, breathing thing. The anxiety seemed to manifest itself in the form of allergies so not only did my skin start to break out but my chest felt tight, tight, tight. It almost felt exactly like the night of the fire. Normally, in stressful situations, my ever-reliable adrenaline kicks into high gear and I feel strong and competent. That night however, my lungs betrayed me and I found myself struggling to breathe let alone think. So when I heard my sister yell from the door that WE NEEDED TO LEAVE NOW! I dropped whatever it was I thought I still had time to do and ran to the car.

...

I seemed to have forgotten the purpose of our visit which was to leave water for Missy, the cat. As skittish as she is, she managed to survive. She has not been particularly interested in coming back with us so every other day, Scott, our neighbor or my mother and father-in-law bring her food and fresh water.

There was point during my documenting that I stood there for what seemed like forever carefully examining the ashes as if I would actually find something even remotely recognizable. It took me a few moments, and I did find a few things mostly electronics which made my heart sink. My old iPod, my Kindle, our desktop, my Cinema Camera.

The two barbeque grills which Katrina and I had fussed over trying to stand upright from the strong winds were on the ground. They must have fallen again and for some reason did not burn. It made me think, could that have been an early sign? A warning in itself? BBQ grills down! Fire coming! LEAVE NOW! Then again, how could we have known? We were out there picking up things that had been knocked over by 50mph winds and there was no sign of fire. Then, not even 25 minutes later, the smell of smoke was in the air and a bright glow crept up from the side of the property.

Every now and then, thoughts like this come to me --to us-- but we quickly remind each other that there is nothing we could have done differently that would change our situation now. Truly, it is all about just moving forward from here on out. My mind however, constantly relives those minutes of inferno and I find myself thinking about it more often than I should. Yes, I am still upset about it. I am upset about a lot of events that took place in my life this year.

2017 has been a rough year for me my family.

Just so that I don’t completely fall off the deep end in moments of sadness, I try to cope as best I can through the Marie Kondo method from The life-changing magic of tidying up. When I feel like I am having difficulty letting go of things in my mind, I just need to remember to say 'thanks’.  

So here it goes:

For the things lost that can never be recovered like like my grandmother's necklace, letters from friends that have passed, memories immortalized on tapes to never been played again...goodbye and thank you for giving me joy and thank you for the role you played in my life.

Upside, our Yoda mug survived! Also, I now own more pairs of jeans now than I ever did in college or even in my whole entire existence! Thank you, everyone for your generous donations. We are eternally grateful. 

...

Update: We are now cleared for clean up but we’ve learned that in order to get power on the property a building would need to be established first. Oh well. One day at a time.

Onward!

If you have an extra minute to spare, please continue to spread the word. We are almost halfway to reaching our goal to rebuild. Thank you!

Day 10 | Surviving #LaPorteFire

It’s hard to imagine that ten days ago our lives were so different and how ten days later our lives will have changed forever. The first three days after the fire were beyond tough. That bit of anxiety of another fire happening lingered and I could never seem to shake it off no matter how hard I tried. We had evacuated twice before finally finding safety. Since the night we evacuated, I’ve made sure to keep a packed bag in the car because you never know. Losing a house is like losing a family member. So many memories, so many moments, so much love and care was taken to make a house a home and in one night, just like that, it was gone taking everything with it. I know, it’s sad to think about. It’s sad for me to remember it. It is devastating. Then in little moments of the day you aren’t sure if you can ever recover from a tragedy like this mentally, emotionally, financially. Bangor has been my home for almost thirteen years. It’s been my refuge, my safe haven, my home. My mother and father-in-law have made their property a little piece of heaven for not just myself but for everyone and anyone who has come to visit. Never mind what my husband and I lost, his parents have lost more: their home and their equipment for business.

It's a long journey but if you focus on the mini milestones along the way, you will find beauty in the struggles of doing simple things that prior to this fire were taken for granted.

I want to thank you, our neighbors, family, and friends for your amazing support during this time in our lives. I’ve mentioned it once before but truly, your love, words, prayers, and thoughts are everything! Thank you as well for your generous donations to our family. Work has not ceased thankfully. Due to your generosity, my mother and father-in-law’s business is able to continue having borrowed equipment from such kind friends. Thank you! Unfortunately, clean-up cannot occur until certain inspections are made and approved. It’s seems to be a painfully slow process at at the moment, no one seems to know when it will can even occur. How frustrating for all of us! In the meantime, we move forward simply taking it one day at a time. I’d like to leave you with a day I documented early this year in Bangor. I hope you enjoy it and again, thank you so very much!