#laash

"Taash, will you relax? Mierda, you're making people nervous."

The market was bustling today. Lucanis realised it must be Saturday, and that he had once again lost track of which day of the week it was. And that Spite had decided not to tell him.

If Taash kept acting the way they were acting, they were going to frighten the merchants. And if they frightened the merchants, the Antaam would get themselves involved.

Everyone in Treviso had only become more suspicious of qunari after news of the blockade.

"I'm fine," they ground out, fists clenching.

"You are growling," Lucanis scowled at them. He could smell their nervousness from here. "I can hear it. You are frightening people."

Taash made a sound of frustration deep in their throat. A small girl near them jumped at is, grabbing her mother's hand and looking at Taash with wide eyes.

"I just..." they breathed out through their nose.

"You think Rook knows what she's talking about?"

"In general?" Lucanis smirked. "No. When it comes to cheese for Harding? Yes. More than either of us, anyway."

She had been very particular about all of it. Had even written him a note. Which was strange. All of those talks with her late into the night and he had never known she cared about cheese so much.

I'm Fereldan. I didn't think it was worth mentioning.

The piece of paper with her list on it was tucked in his shirt pocket. His fingers had brushed against hers when she had handed it to him. Spite had thrown a tantrum about her keeping secrets, right after, before Lucanis could explain that he had simply never thought to ask.

He could not quite decide which was worse.

"You think she'll like cheese?" Taash asked. They had started fiddling with the ropes around their arms, instead of growling.

"Taash," Lucanis tried for a soothing tone, but only ended up sounding annoyed. "Harding has eaten some food I would like to bring to Viago for testing. I think she will appreciate good cheese from home. Rook even gave me a list of five different types, in order of how much Harding will like them. She would know."

He did not give Taash time to answer before leading the way to the stall he was looking for. Tucked away near the fish stalls, not many knew about it.

Lorenzo, however, was one of the most enterprising merchants in Treviso. If anyone had cheese that had needed to come through an Antaam blockade, it was him.

"Signore Dellamorte," Lorenzo was going grey at his temples, but Lucanis thought it was more from the job than from age. He was handsome, but the angular features were offset slightly by the red apron he wore over his clothing.

"I have a list for you," Lucanis said, skipping over the pleasantries and handing over Rook's note. There was a feeling of reluctance at the gesture, deep in the back of his mind, but Lucanis forced himself not to hesitate.

It's just a note, he thought, deliberately, but there was no response from Spite.

Lorenzo's eyes widened slightly as he read over the list.

"You have discerning taste, signore," he said, glancing up at Lucanis.

"Thank you," Lucanis allowed the corner of his mouth to twitch into a grin. "But it is not my list."

"Ah," a knowing smile that made Lucanis's stomach turn. "Running errands, yes?"

"Something like that."

Lorenzo bustled off, vanishing between crates and boxes stacked taller than his head.

Lucanis chanced a glance at Taash, still fiddling nervously.

It was... sweet.

He wished...

A flash of something white hot tore through him. A searing ache in his chest.

You! He did not look at the outraged expression on Spite's face. Did not acknowledge that he heard the demon at all.

You lie! In here!

A purple finger pointed to Lucanis's head. He shook it, trying to shake the demon off like a fly.

Trapped. Not like Taash!

"Well," Lucanis shook his head again, turning to Lorenzo and ignoring Spite. With a loud thud and a charming smile, the merchant dropped a large wheel of yellow cheese on the wooden stall. "Tell the lady she has my compliments and I hope that she will enjoy."

Lucanis was halfway to opening his mouth to explain that he was not buying this for someone when he gave up.

"I will, grazie, amigo."

He pulled out his coin pouch, but was waved away.

"No charge for the Demon, signore, not this time."

"Please," Lucanis counted out money. Illario would have scoffed at him, but then Illario never thought. Lucanis knew the importance of good contacts in all sorts of places. "I insist."

Lying again! Rook likes smelly cheese!

"So..." Taash said, when Lucanis had bid his cheese merchant farewell. They were carrying the wheel of cheese on one shoulder as the two of them meandered back to the eluvian. "Are you getting Rook anything?"

Lucanis started, the question akin to Taash pouring a bucket of ice water over his head.

It suits you.

"Why would I get something for Rook?" he asked, clearing his throat and forcing himself to keep walking. The dagger was still safe beneath his pillow. He had had it strapped to his armour numerous times, but had never managed to leave the Lighthouse with it, worried that something might happen to it. That he might lose it.

It's nice to be surprised, every once in a while.

"Because you like her," Taash shrugged. "It's kind of a thing you do when you're into someone."

"I..." Lucanis sighed. In a small, aching part of his heart, he wanted to. He wanted to choose something Rook would like, and feel butterflies before giving it to her. Wanted to worry whether it was good enough. He wanted to see her smile. Something better than a jar of honey he had put no thought into. In that small, aching part of his heart he wanted all of it so badly it terrified him.

She terrified him.

"It's complicated, Taash," he finally said.

She deserved better than an abomination. Besides, what right did he have to buy her gifts after-

You like to walk a little too close to the edge.

"Really?" They frowned at him, hiking the wheel of cheese higher on their shoulder. "'Cause she likes you too. I can smell it on her every time you- "

"Alright!" Lucanis hastily interrupted, before Taash could make whatever was between him and Rook worse than it already was.

"Mierda, can we talk about something else?"

"You could take her flying," Taash continued, seemingly undeterred by his shortness. "Girls like flying."

"You like flying," Lucanis said, annoyed. "It's more of your thing about dragons."

Fly... like dragon?

"Doesn't mean I'm not right."

"Taash..." he sighed. "Please stop talking about this."

"It's just Rook."

He scowled, bit back the angry reply that came from somewhere deep in his chest. From Spite? Refrained from pointing out that it was just Harding. No doubt Taash would get offended.

Just Rook.

"By the blood of the Maker," be muttered instead.

They shrugged, and Lucanis let them pull ahead, allowing their height to make a way for them through the crowd.

The worst of it was in that same aching part of his heart where he wanted Rook, he knew Spite was right. He wasn't like Taash. Free and unapologetic. He was... he was whatever he was.

The shadow of Lucanis Dellamorte. All that is left of him after the Ossuary. A ghost. A demon.

A mistake.

He watched Taash for a moment. It was important, suddenly, that he say something to them. That they ended up happy, with Harding.

"It will work, Taash," he blurted. At their raised eyebrow, he cleared his throat.

"The cheese," he nodded to it. "It will work. Trust Rook."

They nodded, stayed silent for a while as they walked, but he saw a small smile playing along their lips. Felt better at seeing it.

"You could do that too, you know," they said. "Trust Rook, I mean."

I made my choice. The one choice I've ever made for myself and you will not take it from me.

He said nothing. What was there to say to that?

Later, in the evening, Rook walked into the dining room, her hair braided back and her mouth pulled into a crooked grin, the dimple in her left cheek greeting him.

"Good day?" He asked, his own mouth pulling into a grin to match.

"Not particularly," she leaned on the table opposite him with her palms flat, fingers splayed out. "But Taash just showed me the cheese the two of you procured. Where in the Maker's name did you find the Knickers?"

Lucanis blinked.

"The what?"

"The Revered Mother's Knickers?" Rook's smile widened, both of her dimples making an appearance as her grey eyes twinkled in the firelight.

Lucanis. What is knickers?

"We call it that because the smell is- "

"Right," Lucanis shook his head, stopping Rook and ignoring Spite. "Of course you do. I found it in the Grande Market."

At Rook's impressed look, he shrugged.

"I have a contact."

"Of course you do," she said, her eyes rolling above a fond smile. A smile Lucanis tried to memorise, so he could keep it safe in that soft place in his heart.

"Thank you, anyway," Rook continued. "For helping them. I think it meant a lot."

"Taash told me they want to save it," he said, waving away her thanks. "For the right moment."

Rook had a strange look on her face. Almost apologetic.

"Well," she said quietly. "I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting for the right moment."

If Lucanis tried, he could pretend she was talking about more than just Taash and Harding. If Lucanis tried, he could see the man she thought he was reflected back to him from her eyes.

Rook... I want...

I want.

"Would you like some coffee?" He asked. Again, he had to ignore Spite's angry accusations as he grinned halfheartedly at Rook.

"I was about to make some."

The smile she gave him struck somewhere between his fourth and fifth ribs. Soft with understanding and compassion he would never deserve.