It begins as a joke.

“Are you lonely and depressed?” Louise asks him out of the blue, when he’s turned around, trying to fix the fucking broken new coffee machine (brewer? He does not know. He makes an excellent barista, don’t you think?) and he feels the exertion of working a monkey wrench that is probably doing more harm than good at this point.

He turns around to face Louise.

“Yes?” he nods instinctively because he’s attracted to sad and relatable posts on Tumblr and this sounds eerily similar.

“Are you in search of that single companion in life, who will be your equal in every aspect, including looks, familiar twenties angst and freakish height?” she reads aloud, scrolling through her phone and Dan narrows his eyes.

“What are you doing?”

“Have no fear, for Louise Pentland’s Matchmaking Service is here! And you, Mr Daniel Howell, are my first client,” Louise positively squeals at this and Dan really just doesn’t need this in life. All he wants is a perfectly functional coffee-maker machine, is that really too hard to ask?

A nut from the machine falls off then, interrupting his internal soliloquy, and Dan visibly winces.

“No,” he says aloud, to Louise and at the fucking universe.

“Dan, seriously, there’s this really really nice guy from the flower shop next door and he’s like into space and has that weird tattoo on his left ankle, remember him?”

Oh, yeah, Dan remembers him.

“Homer? The one who tripped over my poor feline, Shikoku, and then woofed at her? Yeah, no, thank you.”

“Dan,” she pouts because she knows how much Dan likes being a sulky ass and surely, one date will be fine, right? “You’re overreacting, really,” she retorts and before Dan can fully formulate a reply, a customer walks in and Dan’sfucked.

Louise smirks and in the midst of all the confusion about why there is no bleeding coffee in this coffeeshop, she asks Dan hurriedly, “You’re on for Saturday?”

And she’s out the door just as the distracted “yes” leaves his lips.

+

“No,” Dan tells Louise just as the bell dings signalling a new customer. It’s all going swimmingly well today, for once, and Dan just wants to revel in this luxury of having all the appliances functioning at the same time.

But of course, Louise just had to.

“So, Matt-“Ah Louise’s boyfriend and constant bearer of bad news, that Matt-“met this guy at the pub the other day and-“

“Not interested.”

“But-“

“No, Louise,” Dan sighs because he’s been in this situation far too many times and he really just has to put his foot down. “This guy would be my eighteenthblind date, I’m just-“

“Danny, you just have to keep trying, who knows, this new guy could be your one and only chance to true love,” Louise says dreamily and Dan knows that this is all Matt’s doing.

Dan snorts. “Sure, the only problem is, he’s not going to be.” He angrily punches the new customer’s order into the till in front of him and he’s sure the customer is startled at how angry he is. He thinks that he’s more angry at himself for not managing to make even a single date work, he’s never good enough for anyone, not even for the randos Louise picks up from god knowswhere and it’s all just overwhelming and frustrating.  

“Dan, give it a shot. I’m not giving this up” Louise tells him and he hears Rick Astley in the background and it makes him feels marginally better about it all.Remember, put your foot down, Dan.

The thing is, Dan can’t say no to Louise. He just likes her too much and disappointing anyone is never on Dan Howell’s Anxiety To-Do List and the he ponders the fact that he’d be alone without Louise and her weird Mama-bear protectiveness and that’s scarier than anything in the world.

He just has to put her down gently, that’s all.

It’s when he hears a whistle of a kettle and simultaneously realises that he doesn’t have a kettle here at the coffeeshop that he thinks he’s actually maybe kind of fucked.

+

Well, this date is going horribly.

“And so the weirdos on the flight were on their fourth cup of rich, scented tea, it was slightly Indian-smelling, maybe had a Moroccan aftertaste but before-“ Phil Lester says and Dan is two seconds away from falling asleep.

This guy is such a good person, Louise had said. He is so funny and cute, totally rocks the fringe btw. You’re going to love him.

Too bad Dan hadn’t managed to get a single word in before Phil launched into some story about a animal in Florida. And Dan zoned out when the squirrel? (a man?) bit him somewhere, the saucy gossip not as interesting as expected.

It’s a shame really that he’s so good-looking, though, one thing Louise hadn’t lied to him about. He’s tall, only slightly shorter than Dan, which is a rarity. The thing that really caught Dan’s attention were his eyes, coloured the blue of Uranus with swirls of green tones in them. If he wasn’t so horribly boring, Dan would’ve been tempted to say that this guy’s probably the best date he’s had so far.

“Dan?”

Oh shit.

“Wow! Your story was mind-blowing, Phil, my mind is still reeling from it,” Dan says loudly, giggling nervously at the end to mask the fact that he doesn’t knowwhat in the hell Phil was talking about.

“Really?” Phil asks him and wow, Dan’s perplexed to say the least. I thought guys who talk a lot are usually confident and crap is he as insecure as I am?

But doesn’t really want to hear any more of what Phil has to say. He think he’s probably has heard enough anecdotes to last him a century. It’s nearing half past eight and Dan really has to get home now to catch the last ten minutes of the Great British Bake-Off.

Dan clears his throat. “Yeah, um- Phil,”

Phil leans forward in his seat and looks at Dan intently. Wow, those eyes.

Dan licks his lips impulsively and says, “I’m not really feeling much chemistry between us? Maybe it’s just me.” He gestures at the space between the both of them. Phil’s face is impassive which rattles Dan more than in should. Had he been not into the date either? Even when I’d not gotten two words in?

His inner soliloquy is interrupted by a short, “Oh, thank god” leaving Phil’s mouth and wow, Dan hadn’t expected that at all.

“Excuse me?” Dan mutters aloud and he feels so shitty suddenly because he’s right, he is unlovable.

“No, I mean, err…it’s not you,” Phil hastily says, cheeks flushed. “I was trying to put you off with my dumb stories,” Phil tries to explain and Dan just is confused.

“What I- well, you know Matt? My friend, PJ and him go way back, really, and he’s been pestering me to go on a date with you, not that you’re not great or anything, it’s just-“ The words are leaving Phil’s mouth faster than Dan can comprehend so he places a tentative hand on Phil’s arm.

“Phil, I don’t get it,” Dan says slowly and Phil meets his gaze.

“I don’t do relationships, really, and everyone’s been pressuring me to commit and I just can’t-“ Phil pauses and it’s then that Dan realises he’s been caressing Phil’s arm comfortingly. He snatches his hand away.

“I thought that if I bored you to death that you’d maybe contact PJ from the grave and tell him how terrible of a guy I am?” Phil jokes and flashes a small, sad smile.

Dan thinks of what could possibly happen out of this date, how him and Phil could actually help each other out with their respective meddling friends and it’s all piecing together wonderfully in his head.

“Phil?” he says after a moment’s silence.

“Yeah?”

And that had started it all.

+

“What does this fake relationship entail?” Phil says warily, his voice slightly static over the phone. It’s been a week since they decided one this plan and Dan can tell that Phil’s having second thoughts about it all. Because of course, Dan just had to go off and fake date the nicest, most decent person on the planet who doesn’t feel comfortable lying to his friend.

Dan has his phone wedged between his shoulder and neck and he’s sat in the janitor’s closet, away from Louise who is busy doing her job, for once, Hallelujah.

“Phil, don’t worry really, it’s all just a bit of role-playing. Just like, dunno, send me cute messages and pick me up from the coffee shop sometimes like a regular boyfriend,” Dan says. He feels a thrill saying boyfriend because the idea of being Phil’s first ever boyfriend gets Dan’s stomach all fluttery. Even if it was fake.

“How do you even romance” Phil groans over the phone and Dan wants to laugh but he hears footsteps outside the door. Go time.

“Oh Phil, you’re so cute and funny!” Dan squeals loud enough and twirls a strand of hair around his finger even though no one can see him. (If he does have secret Mean Girls fantasies, it’s no ones business but his.)

“Dan?” Phil asks, confused. Dan telepathically wants to convey, just go with it.

“Philly, I’ve got to go, thanks for being the best boyfriend ever! Kiss!” Dan says again and hopes he stresses the word boyfriend enough for Phil to get the message. He cuts the call.

“Dan?” Oh good, it was Louise outside.

He opens the door quickly and almost hits Louise in the face. “Yeah, sorry, it was Phil,” Dan manages to blush furiously and Louise gives him a suggestive raise of an eyebrow.

“Man, who would’ve guessed?” Louise jokes and Dan really wants to stamp on her foot.

He thinks fast and hastily suggests, “Yeah babe, he’s great, I don’t think I’ll be needing any more blind dates after this, haha.”

“Yeah, I’m glad it’s working out for you, sweetie,” Louise says so earnestly and Dan wants to grovel at her feet and apologise because deep down, Dan knows this will not end up well and he might end up losing his best friend if this goes south.

But, no, the lesson has to be learnt and Dan is going to go through with this.

Maybe?

+

Their second (fake) date is at a Malaysian restaurant. Because honestly, what’s more romantic than spicy noodles and messily eating with your fingers?

“Who knows, maybe he’ll burn his tongue and you’ll have to kiss it all better,” Louise remarks and Dan bites back a scoff.

“Yeah,” and he’s sure the exaggerated wink has given him away.

+

It becomes more and more apparent to Dan that Phil is maybe the nicestperson Dan has ever met. He has all the makings of a cute, nerdy guy who likes Anime and the stars and can also make a mean tequila concoction that has Dan seeing double by the end of the third date. It’s slightly perfect and that’s why it’s terrifying to think about.

“What are you even talking about, Attack on Titan is the Game of Thrones of cool Japanese anime, how do you not like it?” Dan asks him, a continuation of the text war they’d been having that afternoon.

Phil’s voice is gravelly over the phone and Dan realises that his conversations with Phil are quickly becoming the best part of his day. He looks up briefly and catches Louise smiling at him from her spot at the counter.

“It’s not that I don’t like it, I haven’t watched it that much,” Phil reasons and the offer is so inviting that Dan can’t help but say, “Come over on Saturday, watch with me.”

“Are you asking me out on a date, Mr Howell?” Phil teases and Dan’s cheeks turn a bright shade of pink. Damn you, Phil. It’s ridiculous that Dan is this nervous to ask Phil out, he is Dan’s boyfriend after all.

“Yeah, ‘course. We can have a popcorn and make sweet love after,” Dan says, stifling a laugh at the strangled sound Phil makes at that.

“I’m holding you to that promise, Howell,” Phil says so determinedly that Dan almost forgets that this is all just a set-up, that none of this is real at the end of the day. It makes him oddly sad but he doesn’t dwell.

That doesn’t stop him from thinking about blue eyes for the rest of the day.

+

Dan doesn’t know who initiated it but ten minutes into their third Attack on Titan episode, they’re French-kissing on the sofa.

It’s hot, messy and the way Phil’s tongue melts into his mouth feels so good that Dan doesn’t want to stop, ever. He ruts against Phil slightly, tentatively, as Phil nibbles on his bottom lip. He’s got his legs wrapped around Phil’s waist now, straddling him and the feel of Phil’s heated skin from under his thin T-shirt is too much to handle, right now.

It’s then that he starts thinking (which is always bad in any sexy situation).

Phil doesn’t do relationships.

“Phil?” he says, pulling out from the heated kiss. He ignores the grabby hands Phil makes at him, wanting to pull him back into the comfort of his lap but no, Dan can’t have that.

It feels too real.

“Phil, come on, what are we doing?” Phil looks down sheepishly at his lap, a tent already apparent, and smirks.

“What do you think? We’re dating, Dan, PJ and Louise would both be ecstatic if we actually get it on,” Phil says convincingly, smoothing a thumb over Dan’s palm. The gesture makes him contemplate their intimacy even more.

“This relationship has an expiration date, Phil, this is going to end soon and one booty call won’t solve anything,” Dan pleads with him and ignores the underlying message I also probably have feelings for you at this point and you can never know.

Phil’s face scrunches up into something unreadable (embarrassment? guilt? disgust?) and he pulls away. Dan thinks he sees a twinge of sadness in Phil’s face but it probably is just the hopeless romantic in him.

“One dinner with Louise, Matt and PJ and then we’re done,” Dan says in a breath, quickly so he wouldn’t have time to rethink his stand on this.

Phil doesn’t do relationships.

“Okay,” Phil says finally.

It comes out more broken than anything else.

+

They don’t talk for three days and Dan begins to think that Phil’s fallen of the edge of the planet. It’s weird because he didn’t think that Phil would take the news of them fake breaking up so hard? What does that mean?

He calls Phil for the third time that day and on the fourth ring,

“Hello?”

“Phil! Where have you been? I’ve been texting you all week,” Dan says as loudly as possible without waking Louise, who’s supposed to be on shift, that twat.

“You’re not my boyfriend, Dan, you don’t need to know where I am 24/7,” he hears Phil sigh out and Dan’s heart stops. He guesses their conversations can never go back to easy fake boyfriend banter and it’s all Dan’s fault. He really wants to puke.

“Yeah, sorry-“ he says as sincerely as he can. “Is PJ free on Saturday for dinner? Matt and Louise are in.” His voice comes off soft and he hears a catch in Phil’s breath.

Yes, we are breaking up on Saturday.

“Um…yeah, I’ll ask him but, Dan-“

Dan interrupts with a “Okay, bye.” and abruptly cuts the call because talking to Phil is excruciating now. Phil doesn’t like me, he just wants a quick fuck and I’ll end up broken with no one to blame because he doesn’t do relationships. This was a bad idea. I’m an idiot.

Two words ring out in his head, poignant and bring back his many insecurities to the forefront his mind.

What now?

+

The laughter is fake, their relationship is fake, what’s real then?

They’re all at a snooty French restaurant in the Upper West Side and the aroma is so happy and warm that it’s suffocating. Dan’s body is pressed up against Phil’s side and that’s the only thing he can think about as PJ and Matt prattle on about some university bloke or another. Apparently, the atmosphere is only tense to Dan and Phil, who’d also kept suspiciously quiet, even when PJ started talking about the Phil’s pub, “The Dragon and Egg”.

Louise eyes them both warily and Dan’s eyes flash up to meet her gaze.Please get me out of this, I’m so sorry.

As usual, she does the complete opposite.

“So Phil, what are you liking about little Danny so far?” she asks enthusiastically and Dan wants to slither down in embarrassment.

Suddenly, Phil takes his hand and grips tightly. “Dan is certainly something,” he says and they make eye contact for the briefest of moments. He hopes he pulls of the lovesick heart eyes and not the oh my god I’m actually going to be sick right now.

“Philly’s grown so much, really,” PJ says, as enthusiastically as Louise. Phil turns a bright shade of fuchsia which is cute.

“Peej-“

“Yeah, before he was all “Relationships are all stupid and ridiculously hyped up, I just need a good shag-“ Phil blushes again but still tries to indignantly protest.

“No-“

“Yeah, you were,” PJ mumbles out between munches on some quiche or whatever. Phil looks two seconds away from bludgeoning his friend with hisdesert knife. Yes, they’re in that kind of restaurant. “Now you’re just like, Danthis, Dan that, I swear if I have to hear you declare your love for Dan one mor-“

“Okay, that’s enough, thank you very much,” Phil says, managing to stuff more quiche into PJ’s mouth in the process, rendering him unable to continue what would’ve been like Confession Hour. Not that Dan was thinking about that of course, he was still pretty preoccupied with the whole love part.

“You love me?” Dan asks stupidly, loud enough to turn catch Louise’s attention.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t he? You guys have been dating for a while, right?” She raises her eyebrow curiously and that’s the thing about Louise, she is so so much smarter than him when it comes to things like this. God, Dan can’t even wrap his brain around anything.

He needs some space.

“Excuse me a moment, I need some…a-a-air,” Dan stutters out, hopefully somewhat coherently, and makes a mad dash for the exit. He spots an empty alleyway nearby, a safe refuge from the asphyxiating everything.

He’s not alone, though. He senses someone coming up behind him and isn’t surprised when Phil places a tentative hand on his shoulder. Ever the loving boyfriend, Dan thinks with a snort.

“Are you alright?” he asks then, tone soft and reassuring.

“No, bloody hell, Phil,” he lets out a croaky laugh, running his hand through his fringe. He’s not okay but he doesn’t need Phil here.

“Go, please.” He can’t hide the tears any longer.

Phil’s breath hitches. His finger hooks under Dan’s chin and tilts his face to his own stupidly blue eyes.

“You’re amazing, Dan. I knew it from the first day we spent together after this stupid plan was hatched. You and I, we’re so good together and fuck I was too scared to admit it to you because I knew you don’t feel the same fucking way. You don’t - never wanted to fall in love with me and I understand but I love you.”

It comes out in a flurry of words and the fact that Phil’s rubbing a hand over his face again and again makes Dan think that maybe Phil’s just as clueless as he is.

And that maybe they can be clueless together.

Dan sucks in a breath.

“Hi, my name is Dan Howell and I’ve been on eighteen blind dates but maybe, just maybe, I won’t have to go on any more.” He steps closer with every word and exhales the last syllable against Phil’s lips, soft and inviting.

“Me neither, isn’t that funny” Phil mutters softly and swoops in to capture his lips in a gentle snog and yeah, Dan feels great right now. It’s right up there with the functioning coffee brewers and meeting Mary Berry outside his café once.