#korset

Alas, it was not to be. For whatever reason, Kate took exception to this and a rivalry which had been confined to debate team (and any class they shared where debate was possible) soon spread like mushroom spores to every part of their lives. And unlike a ring of toadstools, it was not a magical experience.

Now nearing the end of his junior year, it was imperative (for reasons of university applications, but mostly pride) that he become captain of the debate team. Why they could not be co-captains was obvious: in any contest between Kate and Anthony, there had to be a winner. There was none of the wishy-washy "everyone is a winner" bullshit. Besides, high school was preparing them to be Adults In The Real World, where one did not become co-president, or share gold medals at the podium.

Someone always had to be at the top.

In other words, Anthony had to beat Kate.  But they were deadlocked in an arms race, too evenly matched.  Anthony somehow had to gain an edge; and what better way to gain such an edge by using psychological warfare and spy games to divert Kate's attention?

This was the lesson Anthony took away from the Cold War. (Proving he had missed the entire point of that particular history lesson, but moving on.)

Anthony had no choice. He had to use the nuclear option. The circumstances were dire enough to justify the decision.

Adults knew that teenagers were soggy croutons in the French onion soup of gonads and prefrontal cortex development.

But teenagers--

Teenagers thought they were noodles in the broth of love.

Anthony, as a wise, worldly junior in high school who used aftershave and owned more than two suits, understood the finer points of teenage psychology.  The best distraction-- the way to victory and becoming captain of the debate team and putting it officially on his college applications-- was to get Kate a boyfriend.

She wasn't going to suddenly change extracurricular activities.  They had practically all the same classes; she wouldn't have a sudden influx of homework.  No-- the way to reduce the amount of time Kate had to prepare for the debate which would determine the course of Anthony's future by demonstrating to college admissions officers that he was a well rounded student with proven leadership skills (and hopefully led their team to victory next year) was to distract her with a boyfriend.

And as it happened, Anthony had, over the profound eternity of five teenage years, gathered all kinds of useless trivia about Kate that could only be gotten between sworn rivals.

Did anyone else care about which three questions Kate got wrong on the biology final their freshman year? No. But Anthony cared knew and remembered.

Did anyone else know by how many seconds Kate beat the school record at 100 meter hurdles? Yes, and his name was Simon, but he didn't count.

Did anyone else understand why Kate had a My Little Pony keychain? Fine, a few people, but did they know why it was Fluttershy? (It was an inside joke with her stepmom, Mary.)

All of this useless trivia, however, turned out to have a very good use. It was all valuable intelligence; these key details allowed Anthony to create an astoundingly good profile of the unsub named Kate Sharma. (No, he did not consider himself to be Hotch-- just because they had dark hair and Anthony had delusions of being in charge of everything didn't mean they were similar, Ben. Anthony fancied himself more of a Reid, i.e. a genius.)

Over the years, the unsub had demonstrated a preference for dark haired individuals-- male, female, trans, and non-binary-- who had a "sense of humor." (Anthony scoffed; everyone thought they had a "sense of humor," and everyone thought they wanted to date a person with a "sense of humor." Colin had an excellent sense of humor. Colin also had less sense than natural selection gave to a guppy.)

Back to the matter at hand, the unsub Kate Sharma's relationships did not last for more than a month, fizzling out for reasons unknown. (Siena refrained from pointing out to Kate that it was because she spent every single day after school with Anthony. At debate club.) She remained on friendly terms with all her exes and did not like getting coffee for a first date.

How did Anthony know this? Because they'd been working late and needed coffee. They went to the local coffee shop full of chintzy fat sofas and plaid wingback chairs (what garage sale from hell they came from, Anthony did not want to know); Kate complained that her dates always brought her here. She grumbled that the shop served mediocre masala chai and was covered in grad school students wearing noise cancelling headphones working studiously on their laptops watching Maru stuffing his adorable head into yet another box.

Anthony took exception to this. There was nothing wrong with watching Maru stuff his head into yet another box. Kate conceded that cats in boxes were cute, but there was nothing better than watching a row of guinea pigs waiting patiently in line for dinner and bouncing off with a carrot three times the size of their body.

The unsub Kate did not like to watch videos of corgis, despite having a corgi named Newton at home. So named because an apple had fallen on his head as a puppy; that day, Newton took a solemn vow to destroy all apples and its derivatives. He'd gone crazy when Edwina brought home apple blossom lotion, barking at Edwina with a look of determination on his face, as though was going to rescue her from the body-snatching apples.

Consequently, the unsub Kate loved apple pie a la mode simply because she could not have it at home. She admitted that she probably wouldn't care much for it otherwise, but if she ordered apple pie for dessert, Appa had to also let her drink a whole cup of coffee to cover the smell. Given that the first time she had apple pie was when she was eight, Anthony felt this explained a lot about her.

No, she did not drink coffee at eight years of age. At eight years of age, she got a second dessert if she ordered apple pie.

"So what you're saying is that you don't actually like apple pie, you like all the benefits that come with it."

"Mm hmm," she agreed, crumbs of pie crust on her lips. "So, what are you going to buy me?"

"What? Nothing! Get something for yourself!"

"You were the one who offered by buy dessert. Now you have to face the consequences."

"Newton can herd sheep for all I care, I'm not getting you anything else."

"Worth a try," she shrugged. "Are you going to have the rest of that?"

"Stay away from my cheesecake, Sharma. I'm warning you."

Right, so the point was that Anthony weaponized all this knowledge for Operation Doorstop.

First, he chose a suitable target.

Siena: "You want me to date my best friend. So that you can be captain of the debate team."

"No," (yes), "I just think you'd be good together."

Anthony made the mistake of opening his spiral bound three-subject notebook.

"Let me see that--"

"Wait, Siena, don't--"

"Oh my god-- is this a list?"

"It's not what it looks like--"

"Candidates must be: tolerable, dutiful, suitable enough lips for French kissing, and at least half a brain, preferably with a sense of humor. You have a suggested list of first dates?!"

"Give that back to me," he snatched it out of her hands.

"Ant, what the hell?"

"She has a type," he grumbled.

"You are insane. Why can't you be co-captains?"

"Because!"

"Oh my god, that's exactly what Kate said too."

"Wait, you've talked about debate team with Kate?"

"Nope, no, I'm not getting in the middle of this. This is between the two of you."

"So... is that a no?"

Siena just stared at him like he was an imbecile and walked away.

"Right," Anthony crossed her name off the list.

--

Operation Doorstop had come to something of a standstill.

He arranged interview with all the potential candidates and they fell short.

One didn't know about the Peloponnesian War; another didn't understand the sociological and economic importance of shifting fiscal responsibility of the household to women. Another couldn't name the composer of a classical harp piece; still another didn't know that the Rite of Spring was a dance, not the soundtrack to the animated dinosaur battle in Disney's Fantasia.

Anthony almost considered giving up on Operation Doorstop-- he was devoting too much time and energy to it and not enough time to arguing with Kate.

Then: a miracle.

Thomas Dorset.

Dorset was the answer to all of Anthony's problems. Once Kate and Dorset started dating, she wouldn't have time to prepare for the all important debate which would determine who became team captain. Anthony's plan wasn't malicious-- she would have a consolation prize, after all. Dorset was a good guy. He checked all the boxes. Anthony wondered why he hadn't thought of Dorset in the first place.

Now all he had to do was set them up on a date and he'd be captain of the debate team.

Win, win, win, for all parties involved.

--

"What do you think of Tom?"

"Tom?" she frowned. "Tom who?"

"Dorset."

"We're friends. I had world history with him last year, why?"

"Nothing, no reason."

Kate narrowed her eyes, scrutinizing him.

"Did he say something?"

"Who?" Anthony asked.

"Tom."

"No. I just wondered if you knew him."

"You asked me what I think of him, not whether I knew him," she replied. "I don't think he'll do well on the debate team."

"Why do you say that?"

"I mean, he's smart and knows what he's talking about, but he doesn't really enjoy confrontation. He rarely participated in debates last year in history."

"But you think he's smart."

"Yes? What is this really about, Anthony."

"Nothing. I just wondered," he paused. "Would you date him?"

Kate looked like she had no idea how to answer that question.

Anthony shrugged.

"You think he's smart, I mean. He sounds like your type."

"Why are we talking about my dating life? Wait-- do you keep track of my dating life?"

"Of course I don't. It's just been a while since you told me about one of your conquests--"

"They're not conquests, I've told you a million times--"

"And the dance is coming up--"

"That's in two months."

"Hazards of growing up with Daph."

"Oh, I meant to ask," Kate grinned sweetly, never a good sign. "Has Simon asked her out yet?"

"WHAT?!"

"Daphne and Simon. It's obvious to everyone they like each other."

"She's a freshman! He's a junior!"

"He's a good guy."

"She's my little sister!"

"So? He's your best friend."

"Exactly!"

"I can't believe you," Kate rolled her eyes. "You'd better not warn him off her."

"He's known her since she was nine!"

"They're sweet. Anthony, there's no harm in it--"

"Oh, and I suppose you'd be fine with Eddie dating me."

Kate made a face.

"That's different-- you and I aren't friends."

Something in Anthony's heart fell when she said that. It must have shown on his face because she hurriedly said,

"I meant-- we're rivals. Frenemies."

Anthony smiled wryly.

"And frenemies don't let younger siblings date frenemies."

"Yes," she nodded emphatically. "See? You get me."

"I don't think I do."

Then, Anthony had a brilliant idea.

"I won't say a word about Simon and Daph--"

"Good"

"If you go on a date with Tom."

"What? Why would I-- I don't even like him like that!"

"You're asking me to do something uncomfortable, I only think it's fair I ask the same."

"Did he put you up to this?"

"No."

"Are you and Ben betting on me again?"

"I have never bet on you in anything. It's your friends-- Siena, Gen, and Marina."

"As though George and Desmond aren't the same. And your brothers."

"This is not a bet. I promise you."

"Then what is, Anthony?"

"I don't know," he shrugged. "He's looks at you sometimes."

"You look at me. You stare at me."

"Frenemies," he smiled.

"Ugh. So if I say yes, you promise you won't make a big deal about Simon and Daph."

"I give you my word."

"Ugh."

"And you won't have to listen to Eddie complain about Daph interrupting her time with El."

"Don't remind me," Kate shuddered. "I'm scarred for life."

"You're scarred? How do you think I feel?"

"I'm fairly certain El didn't subject you to a play by play description of--"

"I can't hear you," Anthony said, covering his ears.

She flipped him off.

"So?" he asked.

"So what?"

"You know."

"Fine. One date. But he's never going to ask me."

--

"Whatever you do, don't take her to the corner coffee shop, she hates it there."

"Okay," Dorset looked at him, amused.

"And if she asks for a second dessert after apple pie, always get it for her. And she will order apple pie, I guarantee you."

"Ant, are you sure you don't want to date her?"

"What? Me? Of course not," Anthony said, as though the very notion was ridiculous. "She hates me. We're rivals. Frenemies."

"I don't think spending every afternoon in each other's company is considered hatred."

"It's because we're arguing," he said, dismissive. "She like tulips, but I guess they're out of season."

"Look, Ant, Kate and I are good friends and I like her, but I don't think she returns the feeling."

"She hasn't had a chance to get to you know you."

"Because... she spends all her time with you."

"Look, just ask her. She might say yes."

"I'd rather not have my ego crushed."

"Jack was stupid. And he's not her type."

Dorset's eyebrows, which were already quite high, seemed to be making a bid for an Olympic record.

"You and Kate have a lot in common, I promise you. She goes to India very other summer to visit her family."

"What do you get out of all this?"

"Pardon?"

"You're trying to set me up with your frenemy, Ant, so I wondered what you get out of all this."

"Oh. Well, I can't be nice once in a while?"

Tom laughed.

"Does it matter what I get out of it? You'll be happy, she'll be happy, I'll be happy. We'll all be happy, the reason doesn't really matter."

"I think the reason you'll be happy will matter a lot," Tom shook his head, smiling. "But this is clearly about Kate and she's more than capable of handling you."

"Your vote of confidence is much appreciated."

"If things go wrong, I'm placing the blame firmly on you."

"Absolutely."

"And you're certain you don't want to date her?"

"One hundred percent."

"All right. What have I got to lose?"

"See? You get me."

--

"So."

"So what?"

"You're smiling. I see my plan is working."

"He told me you coached him on everything."

"I wanted to give him a fighting chance. So? It went well?"

Kate blushed.

"He's very sweet."

"I don't want to know details."

"I was going to give you any," she rolled her eyes. "We're going on a second date next weekend."

"I told you, he's your type."

"You're going to hold this over my head for the rest of time, aren't you."

"When I'm right, I'm right."

"Yes, and when you're wrong, you're so terribly wrong."

"See, Kate, I know you."

She looked at him a little strangely.

"I suppose you do."

"And, I know I'm going to crush your arguments at practice tomorrow."

"You wish."

"Then what're waiting for? Give me your best shot."

--

"Hey, Kate."

"Oh--" Kate turned to see Anthony leaning against the locker. "Hi, Anthony."

"You're the only person who says my full name."

"Am I?"

"You've never called me Ant."

"I never noticed," she shrugged, putting her books in her bag.

"Practice?"

"Not today. Tom and I are, um, going to see a movie."

Anthony didn't understand why his heart felt like it was slowly, slowly rolling down a hill.

"Told you I was right."

Kate made a face.

"You were, so go away and bug someone else."

"Kate," Tom came up to them. "Ready to go?"

"Yeah. I was just telling this one to stop being so smug."

Tom laughed.

"I don't think that's possible. It's part of his charm."

"I'm standing right here, thanks."

"Oh, is that you, Ant? Didn't see you there," Tom joked.

"Ant!" Simon called.

"Looks like I've gotta run. Have fun on your date!"

Tom opted for the genial, "Thanks, we will," while Kate just told him, "Have fun at practice."

Anthony saluted and walked to Simon.

"They look surprisingly good together," Simon remarked.

Kate chose that moment to give Tom a peck on the cheek, which made the other boy turn red. Anthony watched her tease him, her smile wide and clear.

"Yeah," Anthony replied. "Yeah they do."

--

Operation Doorstop: Successful.

Anthony: Strategic Mastermind.