#kol

I leaned against one of the tables, a champagne glass resting in my hand as the warm night breeze toyed with my dark hair.

For a moment our eyes met and I smiled faintly. For weeks we'd been working together on a plan. The dagger. Creating the one thing that could finally put Klaus down. Not forever. Just long enough.

Long enough for everyone else to breathe. Long enough for Rebekah to make her own choices. Long enough for Kol to stop living under his brother's thumb.

And I supported it completely. Not because I hated Klaus. But because I loved Kol. And I was tired of watching Klaus dagger him whenever he became inconvenient.

During Klaus's speech, the atmosphere shifted. I noticed immediately. So did Kol.

Klaus raised a glass, smiling far too calmly. "My dear friends," he announced.

Across the courtyard, Kol immediately stiffened. I looked toward him. His expression had gone completely blank, dangerous.

Klaus continued speaking. Talking about betrayal, family, trust.

One thing was clear, Rebekah had talked. The plan we made, the trust we’d placed in her. Everything went wrong.

Kol turned and walked inside. Elijah followed. A few moments later, Klaus did too. I was already moving before I even realized it.

When I reached the hallway, Elijah had Kol pinned in a chokehold while Klaus held the dagger. 

My stomach dropped. "No..."

Kol immediately twisted against Elijah’s grip, trying to break free. Trying to fight, to run. But Elijah was stronger. Klaus approached slowly towards Kol.

I stepped between them without thinking.

"Witch..." Klaus said with a mocking smirk.

"You dagger him every time he disagrees with you!" I moved closer to him. "You are not putting that dagger in him."

Klaus looked entirely unimpressed. Because this wasn't the first time. Every previous daggering had followed the same pattern. I fought. I searched. I plotted. Eventually I found Kol. Every. Single. Time. Not again.

Before I could reach Kol, Klaus grabbed me. Hard. I immediately struggled against him. "Let me go!"

"No."

Magic flared around me, but Klaus only tightened his grip. "Lilith..."

"Let me go!"

His eyes darkened, his expression slowly changed. And Kol immediately knew something was wrong. 

"Lils..." For the first time that night, genuine fear crossed his face. He knew that look, Klaus wasn’t planning to hurt him. He was planning to hurt her.

Klaus's voice lowered, with a frighteningly calm. "Lilith, look at me."

"Don't..." Kol moved instantly. Elijah stopped him before he'd taken two steps. 

Everything happened fast after that. Klaus caught my face. And Kol felt genuine panic for the first time in decades. "No!"

I froze. My eyes glazed slightly. Klaus looked directly at Kol before turning back to me. Cruel.

"You will forget Kol Mikaelson."

Kol stopped struggling, his face went completely white. For one horrible second, the world seemed to stop. 

I blinked. Confused.

"You will forget your relationship with him."

"No," Kol whispered.

"You will forget the life you lived beside him. You will forget your closeness to the Mikaelsons. You will forget the love you felt for him."

"Lilith..." Kol's hands curled into fists. 

I didn't react. Because I couldn't. Entire centuries were slipping away. Memories disappearing one by one.

"You will move forward. You will not look for him."

My eyes filled with tears I didn't understand.

"Love..." Kol's voice broke.

"You will remember none of it." Klaus finished.

And then... Nothing. The connection vanished from my face. Gone. Just gone.

The silence afterward felt unbearable.

Kol had survived a thousand years. War. Death. Mikael. Betrayal. None of it hurt like that.

"Lils?"

Nothing.

Then Klaus seized the moment. The dagger slid into Kol's chest. The world vanished. And he barely felt it.

➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵

2010s

The Mikaelson mansion glowed with candlelight and orchestral music. Elegant. Expensive. Threatening. I adjusted the dark gloves on my hands as I stepped inside beside Damon.

“You know,” Damon muttered, glancing around, “this house makes me feel like someone’s about to either seduce me or murder me.”

“Probably both.” I scanned the ballroom slowly. Something about this place felt… strange.

Kol spotted me before I spotted him. I was standing beside Damon. Dark hair. Black dress. Magic lingering around me like always. Alive. Beautiful. And looking at him like a complete stranger. He almost laughed. Because of course. Of course that would be the first thing he got after a century in a coffin.

Damon noticed him first.

"Oh good. Tiny psycho's here." He grabbed two glasses of champagne and handed one to me. “And he's currently burning a hole through your skull…” 

I frowned. “What are you talking about?”

Before Damon could answer, a voice interrupted. 

“Hey,” Kol stood beside us now, close enough that I could see the faint amusement in his eyes. “We haven’t formally met.” 

His gaze never left mine. Not once. As if Damon didn't exist.

"Damon Salvatore." He extended his hand, Kol ignored it completely. "Have we met?" Damon asked.

"I’ve met a lot of people, and you don’t particularly stand out."

Damon looked offended. I looked entertained.

Then Kol's eyes found mine again. And something in my chest twisted painfully.

“Anyways,...” His lips curved into a smirk, “Here I thought Mystic Falls had run out of beautiful women.”

Something twisted painfully in my stomach. God. Those eyes. Why did they feel familiar?

Kol extended his hand lazily towards me. “Kol Mikaelson.”

I placed my hand in his carefully and he lifted it to his lips. The second he touched me, my breath caught. His thumb brushed once against my knuckles subtly before letting go.

Damon gagged dramatically.

I pulled my hand back. Suddenly wanting distance. I grabbed Damon's arm and began walking away. Leaving Kol standing there. Still watching me. Still smiling.

"Why is he like that?" I asked Damon.

Damon answered immediately, "British and a Mikaelson."

┄

Standing near one of the columns, I watched couples dance. Then suddenly Kol appeared beside me.

"You look disappointed."

I rolled my eyes.

Kol smiled. Even if I didn't know why I found myself smiling back. 

"You dislike parties."

I frowned. "How do you know that?"

Kol immediately recovered. "I have eyes."

I narrowed mine. “Right.”

But the truth was much simpler. He knew. Because he'd spent centuries watching me sneak away from them.

The music shifted. Couples moved across the ballroom. Kol extended his hand toward me. I looked down at it. Then back at him.

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't trust you."

"Fair."

A pause.

"One dance."

"No."

"Half a dance."

"That's not a thing."

"It can be, if we commit to the idea."

I laughed. Accidentally. Kol smiled immediately. Like he'd just won a battle no one else knew was being fought. 

┄

Throughout the evening he kept appearing beside me. During dances. Conversations. Drinks. Everywhere. Always teasing lightly. Always smiling. Always acting as though this was perfectly normal. While quietly, relentlessly, it was destroying him that I didn't remember. 

During one of the partner changes, I somehow ended up dancing with him. I narrowed my eyes and I finally looked up at him suspiciously.

“How odd, that fate keeps throwing us into each other’s path.” I said ironically.

Kol's mouth twitched. "Truly a mystery, or perhaps destiny…"

"Mm." I wasn't buying it. "Almost as if someone keeps arranging it."

"Darling," he said smoothly, "if I admitted that, it would ruin the magic." 

Kol guided me effortlessly across the ballroom while we danced.

“You keep looking at me strangely.”

“Do I?”

“Yes.”

“How unfortunate. I was attempting to be subtle.” His lips curved.

I huffed a small laugh. And Kol nearly lost composure entirely hearing it again after a century.

“You’re very charming,” I admitted cautiously.

“I know.”

“There it is.”

“What?”

“The arrogance.”

"You wound me."

I rolled my eyes. "You're proving my point."

“Darling,” he said smoothly, “if you looked like me you’d understand.”

I laughed again. For a brief moment he could almost pretend nothing had happened. Pretend Klaus had never stolen my memories, yet it felt like a knife between his ribs.

But then the song ended. And reality returned. I stepped back automatically. Distance returning instinctively. A small movement. A stranger remembering she was a stranger. 

Kol hid the pain immediately beneath another smirk.

“You’re staring again,” I noted softly.

“I’m appreciating.”

"That's a very polite way of saying it."

"Would you prefer the honest version?"

“The version that says you’re acting like a creep?”

God. Same attitude. Same sarcasm. Same witch. Even after a hundred years. From sheer relief hearing it again made Kol laugh. And something about the sound felt familiar again.

“Have we met before?” I asked.

Kol smiled softly. “That depends. Do you often forget men who are devastatingly attractive?”

I rolled my eyes.

“You’re very confident.”

“I’m usually rewarded for it.”

I took a sip of champagne. "I preferred life before that information."

Kol smiled again, how much he loved the attitude.

I eyed him suspiciously. "Why are you smiling?"

"You remind me of someone." That wasn't technically a lie.

"You don't know me."

Kol tilted his head smirking and teasingly said, "No?"

“Idiot…” I said rolling my eyes while I walked away.

But, something about the way he said it made my stomach twist strangely. Weird. Very weird. A strange ache. Like déjà vu. And quietly, almost to myself, I murmured:

“…Why do you feel familiar?” 

Like a dream I couldn't quite remember. 

➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵

Somehow he kept appearing everywhere.

"Are you following me?"

Kol looked offended. "Oh, Lilith."

"You are."

"I prefer the term coincidentally appearing in the same places."

"That's called following."

"It sounds considerably less romantic when you say it like that."

I rolled my eyes. He was annoying. Arrogant. Dangerous. And yet somehow I enjoyed his company.

…

"You know, books become significantly less interesting when you've read them seventeen times."

I was sitting beneath a tree, my back resting against the trunk, a book open in my hands. I didn't even look up, his arrogant remarks were becoming a familiar occurrence. .

"How do you know I've read this seventeen times?"

Kol just grinned playfully.

And somehow, instead of leaving or getting annoyed, I closed the book. "Fine."

His eyebrows rose. "Fine?"

"You're clearly here to bother me.” A pause. “Again."

"Naturally."

That smile immediately appeared. The one I was beginning to recognize. The one that looked genuinely.

For the next two hours we talked. About everything. Nothing. Music. Travel. Magic. History. It was  strange but it was easy with him.

┄

I was searching for a grimoire. A powerful one. According to the information I'd found, it contained spells I needed. Unfortunately, it was currently in Mikaelsons’ possession.

And now that I was in the Mikaelsons’ library, it was in Kol’s possession. He was seated in one of the library's armchairs when I arrived. The grimoire resting comfortably in his hands.

I immediately pointed at it. "I need that."

Kol didn't even glance up. "Why?"

"I need it."

"A compelling argument."

I narrowed my eyes. "Kol."

"Yes, darling?"

“You have millions of books in here, why won't you let me borrow that one for a second? ”

“No.” he smirked without looking up from the book. 

"Give me the book."

He finally looked up. "No."

"Why not?"

His smirk widened. “Because I appreciate it too much to have it wandering around in just anyone's hands.”

“I'm not just anyone.” I said partly joking.

“You certainly are not…” he whispered. “You are not leaving without it are you?”

I smiled in response. No, I wasn't.

"I'd quite like it back eventually." He got up and walked closer to me. 

"Why is that important?"

For the first time, his expression softened. "It was written by someone..." He hesitated, "...someone I cared about."

Little did I know the grimoire had been written centuries ago by him and me. Notes. Research. Spells. Entire pages filled with arguments scribbled in the margins. A lifetime preserved in ink. 

I tilted my head. "Who would have thought… The psychopath Mikaelson is capable of sentimental attachment."

"You wound me, love." Kol said, raising an eyebrow. 

"Who was she?"

The smile disappeared immediately. Because there I was. Asking about myself. Without knowing.

Kol sat down again and leaned back slowly. "A stubborn girl." A faint smile appeared, "She preferred forests to castles."

"Reasonable."

"She once threatened a nobleman with a dagger because he annoyed her."

 I laughed, "Now I definitely like her."  

"She never listened to anybody..." Kol smiled.

"Smart woman."

Kol shook his head softly. And despite himself, he smiled. He missed me. Even when I was sitting right there. Even while hearing my laugh. Even while looking directly at me. Because it wasn't the same. Not yet.

"What happened?" My voice came out quieter than before. 

The question hung between us. Kol looked away. "Life."

For once I didn't joke. Didn't tease. Just watched him.

And something inside my chest hurt unexpectedly. Because whoever that woman had been… He had loved her.

┄

I sat on a rock looking at the water, it was hypnotic. Kol beside me. Closer than usual. Neither had noticed when that started happening. After dozens of conversations. After countless smiles. After accidentally seeking each other out. I found myself spending time with Kol without thinking about it, even wishing he would appear when I was alone.

Now he was telling some ridiculous story about Paris. I was laughing. The conversation had slowed. Not uncomfortable, just calm. At some point we stopped talking entirely and simply looked at each other.

I wasn't sure what happened first. Maybe the smile. Maybe the silence. Maybe the way his eyes softened. But suddenly we were close. Very close. 

Kol's gaze dropped briefly to my lips. Then back to my eyes. I didn't move away. Neither did he. But my heart immediately betrayed me. Idiot. I should've moved. Should've said something. Instead I stayed exactly where I was. So did he. 

For a second, just one second, I felt absolutely certain I wanted to kiss him.

And judging by his expression… He wanted exactly the same thing.

Our faces were only inches apart now. My heart was racing. Then suddenly… He pulled back.

Not coldly. Just creating distance. I blinked, confused.

Kol looked away first. "...Sorry."

The word surprised me more than the retreat. "Sorry?"

A faint smile appeared, sad somehow. "You deserve better than that."

I frowned. "What are you talking about?"

Kol looked at me for a long moment. Like he wanted to explain. Like he desperately wanted to tell me everything. Then finally,

"Nothing."

"That's obviously not nothing."

"I know."

Silence. My frustration grew.

"Then tell me."

Kol smiled sadly. "If I tell you, it changes things."

"Maybe I want things to change."

That answer hit him hard. I could see it.

For a moment neither moved. Then Kol stood. Creating distance. Because if he stayed there another minute… He wasn't sure he'd be able to keep pretending. And I still didn't remember.

His voice softened. "You should go home."

I stared at him. Annoyed. Confused. A little hurt.

Because I had seen the way he looked at me. The sadness behind it.

For the first time I realized something. Whatever happened to the woman he loved… He never recovered. Not really. And suddenly my chest hurt. Not from jealousy. From wishing I could somehow fix it.

➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵➵

I came back to the Mikaelsons’ library again. The library was quiet. For once. 

I sat on the floor between two massive shelves, surrounded by old grimoires and open books while candlelight flickered softly across the pages. I’d been searching for information on Esther’s spells for nearly two hours now. And failing spectacularly.

“Ugh,” I muttered, rubbing my eyes tiredly. 

I leaned back against the bookshelf with a sigh, one knee pulled loosely to my chest. It should’ve felt peaceful. Instead my mind kept drifting back to Kol. Again. Always him lately. The almost-kiss. The way he looked at me sometimes. Like I mattered too much. Like every smile I gave him hurt him somehow. And god, I hated how much I thought about him now.

I didn’t move when I heard voices enter. At first I barely paid attention, until I realized who they belonged to. Kol. And Elijah. And they sounded angry. Very angry.

"You should not tell her." Elijah's voice echoed through the library.

I froze. Not intentionally listening. But now unable not to.

"Oh, here we go." Kol snapped, furious already.

"I’m serious, Kol," Footsteps echoed through the library. Pacing. "It could harm her." Elijah continued.

Kol laughed bitterly, "Harm her?"

"Yes." A pause. Then Elijah's voice lowered, more serious, "Lilith’s memories are already fighting the compulsion. If they're forced back too quickly, they could fragment. Break."

Memories. Break. What? I frowned slightly. Still hidden between the shelves, I stayed still unconsciously. 

Silence.

Then Kol's voice. Sharper now. "So now I can't even be near her?"

"That isn't what I said."

"So what exactly do you suggest, Elijah?" His voice was getting louder now. 

I slowly stood. Heart beginning to race. This felt private. I should leave. I took a step toward the end of the aisle. They were so caught up in the argument they didn't even realise I was there.

Then Kol spoke again. "I'm not telling her anything." His voice was rising now, "I'm not forcing memories. I'm not making her remember."

"Why are you constantly with her?"

A pause. And then, "Because she likes being with me. Am I supposed to avoid her? Pretend she doesn’t exist?"

The answer came immediately. Without even a second of hesitation. I stopped moving. Something twisted strangely inside my chest.

Elijah sighed. "You should be thinking with your head for once."

"Oh, with my head?" Kol laughed once, angry. “Talking about heads, Elijah, you know what I'd like to do?" Silence, "I'd like to rip Klaus's off."

I blinked. Silence. Then colder:

"The only reason I haven't done it is because he's the only one who can make her remember."

My stomach dropped. Remember? Remember what? 

Elijah spoke carefully, "Kol…"

"No," Kol interrupted sharply, for the first time there was actual pain in his voice. "You expect me to forget the love of my life overnight?"

Everything stopped. I could only hear the beating of my heart. I couldn't breathe. The love of my life. The words echoed through my skull. Again. Again. Again. 

Love of my life. The love of his life. Me.

"You expect me not to look at her when she's standing right in front of me?"

I inhaled sharply. The book slipped from my fingers. It hit the floor. Loud. 

Silence. Immediate silence. Both brothers turned instantly and found me standing at the end of the aisle. Frozen. Eyes wide. The color draining from my face. 

For a second nobody moved. Kol looked horrified. Not because I knew, because I'd found out like this. 

"Lilith…" 

I immediately lifted a hand and I stepped back automatically. A weak attempt at a smile. 

"No." My voice sounded strange, "It's okay." It absolutely was not okay.

Neither Mikaelson believed that for a second. I nodded once. Too quickly. "It's fine."

"Lilith."

"It's okay." I swallowed hard, "You don't have to explain anything, I was just leaving."

“Yes, I do…”

But I was already moving. I left. Fast. Almost running.

By the time Elijah looked toward Kol, Kol was already gone.

The woods outside Mystic Falls blurred around me while I walked past them. I didn't even know where I was going. Only away. Because my chest hurt and I didn't understand why.

The love of my life. The words repeated endlessly. The love of my life. Kol's voice, Kol saying it, Kol meaning it.

"Lilith!" His voice echoed behind me.

I kept walking.

"Lilith please!"

Faster.

Until finally I snapped. Not because he asked. Because my legs suddenly wouldn't go any further. 

“What do you want me to say?!” I shouted suddenly, turning around sharply. 

Kol stopped several feet away immediately. His expression was wrecked. Breathing unnecessarily. Looking completely miserable. For a moment neither spoke. 

"Was that true?!" I shouted, tears filling my eyes. “You called me the love of your life!”

Kol closed his eyes briefly. Of all the questions. Of course it would be that one. When he opened them again, "Because you are."

I looked down immediately. The honesty of it nearly knocked the air out of me. 

 "You meant it?" I wasn’t angry anymore. I was hurt. More devastated than angry.

"Yes." No hesitation. No joke. No sarcasm. Just truth.

My eyes filled unexpectedly. "Why? Why didn’t you tell me? I have lost a part of my life and you knew it, why did you play with me? Kol I…" My voice cracked. Tears were rolling down my face, I was frustrated, I was confused. I didn’t now how to feel, what to think or what to say.

Kol stared at me. Because how could he answer that simply? How do you summarize a thousand years?

"Kol, I don't understand any of this!"

If there was a life I had forgotten and Kol was part of it, now it made sense why being around him felt familiar. Why I trusted him. Why I missed him when he wasn't there. Why every smile from him somehow mattered.

And now this. The love of his life. I looked at him desperately.

"Were we together?"

The question nearly destroyed him.

“Yes."

My eyes closed. "For how long?"

Kol laughed once. A broken sound. "A thousand years."

My eyes snapped open.

"What?"

"We met before we became vampires..."

Silence.

"We stayed together after."

I stared. "A thousand years?" Unable to process it. “We knew each other at the village?” My voice softened, grief replacing the anger. Because I remembered a thousand years of my life, but I didn’t remember him in them.

"Yes."

"Kol..."

"I know."

My breathing became uneven. "You never said anything."

"What was I supposed to say?" His own voice cracked now. "Hello, lovely meeting you again. By the way, we've spent a millennium together and my brother erased me from your mind?"

“Who was it?” The anger hit me suddenly. "Was it Klaus?"

Kol laughed bitterly. "Yes."

“But why… why would he do that? why would he take my memories?” Tears slipped down my cheeks. “He took you from me." The words escaped before I could stop them.

We both froze. Because I hadn't meant to say it. Yet it felt true. Painfully true. Kol looked away immediately. And somehow that hurt worse.

“This’s insane.” I looked away sharply, emotions crashing too hard.

“I know.”

“You should’ve told me!”

“I wanted to.”

“Then why didn’t you?!”

“Would you believe me?” Kol stepped closer. “And even if you tried, your memories fighting the compulsion could destroy you!”

His voice cracked with frustration. “I watched you slowly start smiling at me again and I couldn’t risk breaking you just because I missed you.”

That silenced me. Completely. Kol looked devastated now.

I started denying with my head, was this real? “You know, I’ve been feeling this emptiness… for as long as I can remember. All those years…” I looked down at my trembling hands. “I thought there was something wrong with me.” 

Kol’s expression tightened instantly. “Love…”

“I always felt empty, but I couldn’t figure out what. It was like a constant deja vu, like a dream you can’t remember but know that it is there… And with you I… I forgot about all of that…” My voice cracked, and Kol didn't move, didn't breathe. “These last months with you, it’s the first time that emptiness hasn't been there.” 

“And now why does hearing all this feel like something’s ripping open inside me?!” 

Kol looked like he wanted to cross the distance between us but was forcing himself not to. “Because some part of you remembers.”

That answer destroyed whatever composure I had left. The thought that someone had reached into my mind and stolen part of my life was unbearable. I felt with no control over my life. I laughed shakily through sudden tears.

"I'm sorry." The words left me suddenly. Soft. Broken.

Kol frowned. "For what?"

I laughed weakly through tears. "For not remembering you."

That nearly shattered him. "Lils…"

"I'm sorry." More tears now. "If this is hurting me..." My voice broke, "I can't imagine what it's doing to you."

And suddenly everything collapsed. My legs simply gave out beneath me. Not from injury. Not from weakness. Just too much. Too many emotions. Too much grief for something I couldn't even remember. I fell to my knees and immediately Kol was there. One second across the clearing, the next beside me.

"Lilith." His hands hovered. Not touching. Afraid to. Like I might pull away. "Hey..."

I covered my face, trying not to cry. Failing.

Carefully, very carefully, he reached toward me. A hand against my shoulder. I didn't pull away. So he moved closer. Then closer again. Until finally I leaned into him first. And Kol wrapped his arms around me immediately. Holding me tightly. I buried my face against his shoulder. And it felt safe.

Kol pressed his face briefly into my hair. Closing his eyes. Neither spoke for a long time. Just breathing. Holding on.

“You have known all this time…” I whispered slowly, I was thinking too much. “At the ball, you… you knew who I was from the start,... You… I…”

"Yes."

"And you still flirted with me."

Kol actually looked offended. "Well, I wasn't going to ignore you."

I stared at him.

"You were shameless." A faint smile appeared in my face.

"I've always been shameless." Despite everything, despite the tears still drying on my face, a laugh escaped me. 

“I’m sorry for not remembering you.” I whispered again through that smile.

“Hey,” His hands moved gently into my hair, “Look at me.”

I did. Tearful and exhausted. Kol’s own eyes looked suspiciously glassy now too.

“This is not your fault. I have been suffering like hell, but not because of you.” His thumb brushed carefully beneath my eye, wiping tears away. “Never because of you.”

The quiet pain in his voice shattered me all over again. I grabbed the front of his jacket tightly.

“I don’t know what to do.”

“You don’t have to do anything.”

“But what if I never remember?”

Kol went still. That fear clearly haunted him too.

But after a long silence, he answered honestly:

“I don’t know.”

The words hurt more than any lie could have. Kol swallowed.

"I want to tell you that you'll remember. That one day you'll wake up and everything will come back." His eyes lowered briefly, "But I don't know if that's true."

Then slowly, he met my eyes again, “But even if you don’t remember, we can always make new memories.”

I stared at him. And somehow that hurt even more. Because he wasn't talking about replacing the old ones, he knew they couldn't be replaced. A thousand years couldn't be replaced.

He was simply saying that if he had to fall in love with me all over again… He would. As many times as it took.

But even then, everything was feeling wrong. Because now I knew, not the memories themselves, but enough. Enough to understand that the emptiness inside me had a name. Kol. Enough to understand that somebody had reached into my mind and ripped centuries away from me. Enough to understand that I had loved him so deeply that even without memories, I had somehow found my way back to him again. And that terrified me. So I pulled away.

Kol brushed his thumb softly beneath my eye. “You alright?”

I laughed weakly through leftover tears. “No.”

I looked down suddenly. Then stepped back. His expression shifted. 

“This is too much.” Kol stayed quiet. I was overwhelmed now, completely overwhelmed. “I need… I need time. I need rest. I… need to get away of this confusing thoughts…”

That hurt him visibly, but he nodded anyway, “Okay.”

So I stepped back further, but looed at him helplessly. 

“Hey,” Kol said with a sad smile, “You don’t owe me anything, I will stay for you. Always.”

More tears went down my face with each step I took further from him.

┄

The next few days were unbearable. Because now everything made sense. The way Kol looked at me. The sadness beneath his flirting. Why being around him felt natural. Why his voice settled something inside me. Why almost kissing him had felt familiar. And the worst part? Now that I knew, the emptiness felt sharper. Because now I understood what was missing. My memories. My life. Him.

I avoided Kol completely. Actually I avoided every Mikaelson. Which Kol respected. Barely. Painfully. But he did.

Eventually the anger became impossible to ignore. Not at Kol. Never at Kol. At Klaus. Because he had done this, taken centuries from me.

But the match that made me snap was the letter I had in my hands. I found it hidden between the pages of the grimoire Kol had lent me. The same grimoire I found out to be mine.

May 21, 1467 My dear kol,  If you’re reading this, then it means I was right. You have only been gone twelve days. (Yes, I counted them.) You can laugh if you want. Actually, I know you're laughing already. I can practically hear that annoying laugh of yours while writing this. Before you become unbearably smug, know that I am only counting because someone must keep track of how long you’ve been away. Left to your own devices, you'd disappear for six months, return covered in blood carrying some cursed artifact, and somehow insist everything went perfectly.  By the way, you never returned my grimoire, again. One day, I truly am going to start hexing you every time you steal my books. You infuriate me more than any person I have ever known.  The forest is quieter without you and the river feels different. Everything does. I never realized how much space your nasty ego occupies until you aren’t here to fill it. I miss you, and it’s deeply inconvenient. You should apologize for that. I miss your stupid voice and I miss your cheeky laugh. Despite all your arrogance, all your confidence, all your insistence that you're impossible to kill,... I want you beside me again. I want to wake up warm again. And I hate admitting that. But I really want to roll my eyes at you in person instead of in this letter.  And that is entirely your fault, so come back soon. Before I start setting things on fire simply to entertain myself. Take care of yourself. Try not to get stabbed. Try not to start any wars. And for the love of every god that has ever existed, stop provoking Klaus. Because both of us know I don’t deserve to lie in a cold bed any longer…  I love you. Come to me soon. I love you my darling, Your crow, your Lilith.

I read it once. Then again. Then a third time. And by the end my hands were shaking.

I knew. The woman who wrote this loved him. Completely. Without hesitation. Without fear. And that woman was me. This was me. My words. My feelings. My love. Written centuries before Klaus had taken them away.

Tears hit the page. I stared at the signature for a long time. Your crow. That nickname alone was a reflection of the closeness we had.

There were more letters. Notes. Sketches. Pressed flowers. A life. Our life. And I couldn't remember any of it. That was the moment something inside me snapped.

Enough. Magic crackled around me unconsciously.

And by the time I found Klaus I was furious. He stood in one of the parlors reading. Completely unaware. Until the doors slammed open. Klaus looked up. Saw my face. And immediately sighed.

The room exploded with magic. Books flew from shelves. Furniture shook. Invisible force slammed Klaus backward into the wall. Hard.

"Lilith."

"Give them back."

Klaus immediately understood. His jaw tightened. "Lilith, listen carefully…"

"No." My voice cracked violently through the room. "You listen."

Magic tightened. Klaus looked uncomfortable now.

"You took my memories."

"I protected you."

"From what?"

"Yourself."

"Do not tell me what I needed!" That only made me angrier. “You played with me like I was your little toy!”

The walls shook. Footsteps echoed nearby. Others un the house hearing the argument. I didn't care.

Tears filled my eyes again. Klaus closed his eyes briefly. 

"You took centuries from me."

"Lilith…"

"No!" The room exploded with power.

And suddenly Elijah and Kol appeared in the doorway. Both stopping instantly. Kol's face changed immediately. Because he had seen me this angry only a couple of times in a thousand years. And somehow seeing me holding one of the old letters nearly destroyed him.

“You don’t get to decide what I remember.” I pointed toward Klaus. "You don't get to decide who I love."

Silence. Heavy silence. Even Elijah looked away.

Klaus stared at me for a long moment. Then finally:

"If I remove the compulsion now, it could overwhelm you."

"I don't care!" 

"You might not survive it."

"I don't care!" I couldn’t even see with the rage and tears on my eyes. I just wanted my memories back. My hole whole again.

"Lilith."

"I DON'T CARE!" The force pinning him intensified.

Kol took an involuntary step forward. Not to stop me. Just because seeing me hurt physically. 

My voice broke completely. "There’s something I’ve been missing and I didn’t even know what it was… You made me feel miserable!"

The room went silent. 

“I felt an emptiness and now I realize it wasn’t even about myself. You took my life from me!”

Kol looked like someone had punched straight through his chest.

I wiped my tears away angrily. "I miss things I can't remember." I held up the letter, "I miss the person who wrote this."

Then quieter: "And I miss whoever I was when I loved him."

That did it. Even Klaus couldn't ignore that. The room remained silent for several seconds. Then finally, slowly, he nodded.

Kol stopped breathing. Elijah looked relieved. I just stared.

"If I do this,..." His voice quieter now, but I didn’t want to hear any more bullshit. So I tightened my magic around him, pinning him harder against the wall.

A long pause, but then Klaus looked directly into my eyes. And spoke.

"Remember."

Everything shattered. I gasped.

Pain. Light. Memories. Thousands of them. A lifetime. Several lifetimes.

Forests. Magic. Laughter. Kol. Always Kol.

The first time he kissed me. The first fight. The first "I love you." New Orleans. Europe. Wars. Centuries.

Losing him. Finding him. Loving him. Again. Again. Again.

Too much. Far too much.

I released Klaus instantly. Staggering backward. Hands clutching my head. Tears streaming. The room spun. A thousand years returning all at once.

I opened my eyes slowly, still with my hands on my head. Still memories invading my head. 

And the first thing I saw was Kol. Klaus fled as fast as he was released and Elijah after him. 

Kol was standing there. Frozen. Terrified. Hopeful. Blocked. My face crumpled instantly.

My voice broke, "Kol..."

The way I said his name nearly ended him. Not confusion. Not uncertainty. Recognition. Memory. Love. Everything.

Kol crossed the room in less than a second. And I met him halfway. The collision nearly knocked us both over. My arms wrapped around his neck desperately. Kol held me just as tightly, one arm around my waist and the other against the back of my head. Like he was terrified I’d vanish again.

I buried my face against his shoulder. Sobbing. While I hold him as strongly as I could. And for the first time since Klaus compelled me Kol allowed himself to believe I was really back.

"I remember."

His eyes closed immediately. A shaky breath escaped him, "You remember."

"Everything."

Kol laughed. Half laugh. Half broken sound. And pulled me even closer somehow. Impossible considering how tightly he already held me. I clung to him desperately.

“I’m sorry,” I cried against him. “God, I’m sorry you were alone.”

Kol immediately pulled back just enough to hold my face. 

“No,” His voice cracked. “You never apologize for that, my love.”

“But you suffered because of me.”

“Because of Klaus,” Kol corrected sharply.

Then softer immediately when he saw my expression, “Not you.”

I shook my head tearfully. “I forgot you.”

“And still fell for me again.”

That stunned me quiet briefly.

Kol gave a watery little laugh, “Honestly love, that’s incredibly flattering.”

At that a broken laugh escaped me too. 

Kol rested his forehead against mine shakily, “I missed you so much, crow.”

My face crumpled again immediately. Because now I remembered exactly how much.

“I’m here now,” I whispered holding his face between my hands.

Then Kol kissed me before I could say anything else devastating. I kissed him back while tears run down my face.