If it was something with her heart he would have known what to do. Professionally and intimately.

He didn’t spend practically his whole adult life studying cardiology and making himself exemplary enough in the field to be referred to as the ace in their department for him to not know or at least do everything he could to heal her. 

And as her boyfriend begrudged as he made it seem accepting the title before, he knew her. Have known her better than anyone could possibly ever guess; he loved her like that. So, yes. Had it been her heart, he would have known what to do—but as it was, it wasn’t her heart that needed healing, it was her brain. 

A concussion to the head from that godforsaken accident that led her to forgetting nothing else but him.

Tendo Kairi. The doctor that responded to Watanabe-san’s emergency with her. The doctor she misguidedly confessed to during her first day at the hospital. The mentor that extended his forearm for her to get over her jitters when drawing blood. The devil to her warrior. The cold heart she’d warmed up with the rays of her care and loveliness. Ten—

“—do-sensei,”

He actually flinched. 

His name and title had become so entwined with the characteristic lilt and fondness of her voice that he felt like folding over with the way his heart dropped and rolled over in his stomach hearing it again without them. Despite this, in a flash of blurring fatigue and longing, he really thought it was her calling out to him, awake, recovered, and remembering.

He’d look back on this moment and chalk it up to a mix of shock and disbelief that this was actually happening that led him to asking the physician assigned to her case twice now what it meant when he confirmed that Nanase, who returned to resting, indeed had amnesia. But it was his colleague’s compassionate eyes that got through him better than the next words he’d uttered. 

“We don’t have any cure for her condition, the best course of action is to provide support as she adjusts and gets reacquainted with her life as we work towards healing her physically; however, when it comes to retrieving her memories, I encourage you not lose hope, but there are no guarantees.” Compassionate but honest and straight to the point, just like protocol for informing patients or the nearest kin about the patient’s condition, but this just felt like a cruel joke.

“I understand.”

Once the physician and nurses had come and gone, he sat once more on the chair he’d chosen to take vigil on Nanase’s bedside, his mind going back to the moment he’d felt her fingers twitch against his cold hands. How bittersweet to remember how relieved and hopeful he was to meet her starry eyes only to be met with the eyes of the woman who loved him longer than he even knew her name looking at him devoid of any warmth and recognition. 

It was like being doused in the coldest waters to see such reception from someone who had her heart pouring out of every pore, beating through every finger, and shouting every emotion through her eyes. Was she still readjusting her vision? It would make sense, she was after all unconscious for the better part of three days. He felt ridiculous.

“Idiot,” was all he could muster as the flurry of emotions demanded him to feel. If he hadn’t caught it then, he should’ve known the moment when she gave no response other than a scrunched eyebrow. 

“How are you feeling? Wait, I’ll call your physician.” It’s laughable how he doesn’t know what to do with himself when in actuality he’d gone over this exact moment in his head over and over since she was brought into this room. He’d pushed the button to alert the nurses with shaky hands, but what she said with her voice raspy from misuse made his hands stop. 

“I’m sorry…but who are you?” 

Confusion, denial, and lack of sleep made comprehension feel like transferring molasses from synapse to synapse. 

“Are you my doctor?” She asked kindly when he looked at her blankly. 

“Quit it, Nanase.”

“I- I don’t know who you are.” 

The nurse came in and he was pushed to the side. He could only look at her and her to him before she was forced to focus on the nurse attending to her. 

What does one do in this situation, truly? He couldn’t help but feel resentful of everything that led them to this exact moment. 

He’d thought it was going to work out for him this time. He kept to himself for the last eight years, closing himself up in a misguided manifestation of self-preservation so that he wouldn’t have to go through this or some variations of it again. Sitting here once was tragic, but to sit staring at the bruised body of someone you’d built the courage to open up your heart to again was just plain cruelty. 

He loved both of them differently and at different points of his life, but why did it all end up the same? Him by their bedsides, helpless, useless, and waiting on an intervention? 

Reverently, mortal begging to the Gods, he reached out to Nanase’s limp hand. “You always know what buttons to push, don’t you?” He huffed but kept his lips close to her soft and cold hand, feeling the tears roll off both of their skins. “Out of everyone to forget, your boyfriend—the one you’d claimed to love for five years without reciprocation and to the point of becoming a nurse had to be the one.” 

It felt wrong to be within her presence when she’s awake, not when he feels so much love and care just staring at her and she doesn’t even have an inkling of the history and language that fleshed their connection. But her eyes were closed and to forget the harsh truth for just a moment, he let himself focus on the fact that she’s okay and caressed her head with the bandages wrapped delicately like he always did before.

”What do I do, Nanase? What do I do now?” 

The recovery was quick and soon it was no later that she asked to get back to work. It was an awkward dance between being present to support her and hiding away from her questions when he’s not sure it’s okay to tax her with it. 

Her friends and the rest of their colleagues had been understanding of the situation and offered their support by looking out for her in their own ways. Although, it was awful to watch by the sidelines as she reacquainted with them as it just made it more glaring that the accident really did a number only to her memories with him. 

She'd asked him multiple times about him and who he was to her before the accident, apologetic but polite and very obviously not wanting to hurt him, to which he cringed inwardly all the time. 

The thing is, no matter the longing Tendo felt, he just couldn’t bring himself to tell her who he was to her exactly and that she quite frankly meant the world to him now. He wrestled with the idea of her deserving to know and not wanting to burden her with his feelings nor his concerns. So he stayed, answered what he could, but was otherwise intent to put aside what she let pass for a future conversation. 

He wished he could say that he's okay with it, that he's strong enough to withstand the distance until his Nanase comes back to him, but he truly hadn’t felt this much desperation since those sleepless nights, eight years ago. The desperation crept at him at the smallest moments. 

They go as small as walking the hospital’s pristine white halls, turning a sharp corner and have his now unrequited love pass by him, as small as hearing her call him as she always did, but this time without the fondness, and as small as walking past her apartment door and not knowing what it was that she’s up to these days. 

Which is what he was doing sat at what he thinks of as their bench in the hospital's garden, pondering about what she was doing, dying to know what her beautiful mind conjures up now that he's not privy to it anymore. The coat could not keep the chill and loneliness that clung to him away as he worried about his relationship's state, it stopped though when the scent of her tell tale sakura blossoms permeated the chill air. He didn’t turn to her though, instead he closed his eyes and dreamed for a moment that she's finally returning to him.

“Uhm,” At the hesitation in her voice, he turned his head down because it was mere fantasy. 

“Tendo-sensei,” 

“Hmm?” He hummed softly before he turned to her and brought his hand out of his coat’s pocket to gently place in the space beside him to which she looked at before she turned to him apprehensive. Maybe he could just wish it to hurt less, surely that's not as impossible as wishing her back? 

She sat anyway and he refrained himself from leaning too closely to her orbit. 

“Forgive me, I know it’s late, but I- I just wanted to know, who exactly are you?” She asked after finding the courage, turning to him with such anguished look to her eyes, “To me?”

“It's just that, the others are so careful when talking about you when I'm around.” She grimaced. “They look at me with pity or like they're trying to gauge me when you come up.” It was instinctive to close his eyes. “Were we really close friends? Was there a fight between us? Were we- no. I’m so confused,” he looked down at his hand so close to her. 

When there was no response from him she continued, “I look at you and it makes me feel so lost when I notice your eyes searching for something- something in me and I wish I could give it to you, but I don't know what it is. I can't remember.” Her voice hitched and Tendo knew her lips were starting to curve downwards as they always did when she's close to crying, to this his head snapped up to look at her. 

“You always look so sad. What am I missing? Please.” 

“Nanase,” He breathed, the warmth of his breath turned to smoke in the cold air between them. 

“I can take it. I deserve to know. I can't go on like this, walking around like there's a big unknown part of me that's missing but only other people know and can see what it is.” She said it so resolutely, that he had to smile softly. The determination in her eyes reminded him this was still the woman he'd loved, strong-headed and brave. 

A sigh before, “We're together- we got together a few months into you working here.” He admitted, looking desperately for any recognition in her starry eyes but when it became obvious that he was waiting for nothing he breathed deep before he continued, ”It didn’t feel right at that moment to tell you and I didn’t want to burden you when you’re still healing.”

“I deserved to know.” The broken cadence of her voice and that particular look in her eyes reminded him of the time when she’d told him she was disappointed in him for being the one to mix work and personal life. In a twisted way, he felt his heart beating to life, this was his girl and he’d take her getting angry at him if it meant she was feeling something strongly for him again.

”I know.” 

“So why didn’t you?” A rise in her voice and he realized that maybe this was what they needed, a fight, to get a break from the confusion and loneliness. Just something else to feel other than this gaping hole of loss. 

“Because I couldn't take it, okay? You remembered everything except me, Nanase. You told me to trust you that day and I did! But you went on to fucking forget me.” The tears felt cold on his cheeks, hot from heightened emotions and smoke puffs at every breath he exhales. 

“I love you. So much. I didn't know what to do with myself then, what more now when you're not ready for all of it? When I looked at you and couldn't see anything in your eyes, I got lost too. I don’t know what to do.” 

“We could've held on to each other until I remembered!” 

“There is no guarantee, you know this.” He said as he tried to regulate himself. “I could guarantee it wouldn't feel like this much of a betrayal if we did.” She spat. Taken aback, all he could do was look at her. Rosy cheeks from the cold and perhaps the heightened emotion, she looked so beautiful. Oh, he aches to hold her. 

The breath she exhaled seemed to have been done to self-soothe as she finally looked at his eyes with renewed determination. “Tell me all about us, help me remember-” 

“And if you don't?” She hesitated. “What will happen to us?” He had to know. 

“I don't know. Best case scenario is I remember and worst case is we live with it.” He deflated to which she caught and responded with, “But we'll never know until we try and I'm hopeful enough to try.”

“Who fell first?” He was walking to the ward to do some rounds and check up on his patients with Nanase hot on heels. This was their routine since their conversation that night, they spent every moment they could despite their busy schedules talking about him and aspects of their relationship before. 

Tendo stopped abruptly to turn to her and he'd known this would catch her off guard which was why his hands were ready to steady her by the arms when she bumped into him. 

“Seriously?” He dipped his face lower to be eye to eye with her and with the way her eyes widened he smugly took it as a sign that he still had an effect on her. “You. Idiot.” He rolled his eyes and turned to walking to hide his erratically beating heart for how naturally the moment felt between them. 

“Eh? Tendo-sensei, wait!” She gained her wits quickly and followed soon. 

“Have we kissed?” 

Was what was written on the pink sticker paper on top of the file she'd handed to him. Removing his gaze from the paper he turned to his cheeky girl who was trying and failing to mask her smile as she gestured to the file with open palms. He held his neutral gaze and backed up on his chair slowly, challenging her. 

She scrambled quickly out of the room when he touched his lips casually. His eyes followed her out of the office feeling his heart swell.

“It's good to see the both of you being comfortable again.” He turned to Koishikawa and tried to make himself busy with looking over at the file again. “Hmm,” 

“Don't get too caught up on what was, Tendo. Instead, work through this together and build something stronger.” Was his parting message coupled with a warm pat on his shoulder. He was left to stare at nothing as he tried to absorb what was said to him, thumbing at the paper, he thought about the mental image of Nanase just after the accident, the memory a still frame on the exact moment she’d asked him to trust her. 

It's been a while since he'd sat on their hospital bench again. Between patients, surgeries, and talking to Nanase not just about their memories together but also about whatever comes to mind, needless to say he'd been occupied. Happily so. 

There was never a dull day with her and reflecting on it now, perhaps that was one of turning points for his feelings toward her. 

Nanase came in on a routine day for him bringing with her nothing but her effusive personality and honest determination that somehow his routine days had morphed into one that should and would always have a home for one Nanase Sakura.

Vaguely his mind supplied the memory of the gift he'd kept in his drawer for her, pushed aside from the forefront of his mind because of the accident. Some other time. 

“Good morning!” Her face framed by the morning sun was something he wished he could keep forever. His lips stretched to a serene smile, “Morning.” 

“Oh, here!” He hadn't even noticed the bag until she held it directly onto his view. He didn't have to look inside to know what it was, his face broke into hopeful surprise the moment the aroma tickled his nose. 

“Nanase?” 

Was this it? Was this what they’ve been hoping for?

“Eh? Sensei? Your eyes,” He wrapped his hand around the wrist of the hand holding the bag, trying desperately to find anything at her face that would confirm what he was hopeful about. 

“You remembered?” He prompted, but confusion marred her face. His grip was shaking as he waited for her answer, but her face had gone from concern to closed off. 

“No.” 

“I never told you about cream buns.” Tendo whispered, hoping still against all the odds. 

“No, Tendo-sensei.” She wasn't looking at him anymore as she shook her head no. “The baker gave it to me when I mentioned it was for you.” 

He let go of her wrist to pinch his nose bridge, willing the tears away. “It's okay.” He didn't even know who it was for.

He stood up, wanting to collect himself before he burdened her with the jungled and conflicted feelings he was feeling at the moment. “I’ll meet you later.” He walked away, too caught up with hiding his pain that he’ll never know that Nanase stood there holding tightly onto the bag as her tearful eyes tracked his retreating form. 

He couldn’t afford to be a mess this morning, not when today is Anri-chan’s discharge, so after pulling himself together quickly in their break room he met with the rest of their colleagues outside. She was already there with her friends, he tried to catch her eye but she was resolutely not looking at him.

In the cacophony of congratulatory remarks Tendo tried to discreetly check up on her and when the conversation took a turn, he listened in on her as she said simply that she still had a lot to learn and took it to heart when Anri-chan entrusted Nanase’s guidance to him. Nanase however gave no response. 

What Tendo will never know is that after the cream bun incident, Nanase found herself in the nurses’ break room, tear-stained and was staring at the bag of cream bun on her lap when the conversation of some of her colleagues reached her ears. 

“Where’s Nanase?”

”Hmm, must be with Tendo-sensei. Some things you just don’t forget, huh?”

“It’s love!”

“Well, I hope that love doesn’t make her work as a nurse suffer the way it did when she was breaking her back trying to earn the devil’s love.”

“She really has been more efficient these days.”

She remembered having a hard time adjusting at the beginning, but this is news to her. 

When she was sure they were gone, she braved stepping out of the room only to be met by Nurse Negishi. She saw herself sat face to face with the latter beside the head nurse with a booklet indicating an offer to work internationally on the coffee table between them.

This dinner was planned a few days back and he was diligent enough to ensure he doesn’t forget, but as a patient’s health took a turn for the worse, an emergency surgery was the only course of action to take. 

He was ready to explain this and also face any of her anger or disappointment, but the restaurant was already closed and her phone was turned off. 

He walked their usual path, but it wasn’t until he got to the park bench at their route home that he was able to breathe in relief. 

“Nanase!” 

“Surgery?” She asked when he got to her. He sat next to her at a safe distance, unsure yet if he was fully welcome within her presence. 

“Yes, emergency. They caught up to me while I was walking out to get to our date.” Was his response to which she only nodded understandingly.

“I received an offer to work abroad.” She said after a beat of silence. “That’s great news,” was his immediate response because it was true only to realize a second later what it would mean for their already frail relationship.

“It is, isn’t it? Not just professionally, but I think it would also teach me a great deal about being an independent adult.” She said with a wistful smile as she looked over at the vibrant lights twinkling at the distance.

“I turned my apartment upside down just before the night I urged you to trust me with our memories. Trying to search for anything that could hint about you, and you know what? You got a whole drawer.” She followed it with a laugh. 

“I was in denial then, I think, when I started piecing together that the past five years of my life had been centered around you, because I couldn’t just forget something so integral to me like that, right?” 

“And since waking up, you’ve always been so far that it just didn’t make sense. So I tried, I really tried to make it make sense, to remember.” He nods empathically. He knows this. 

”Some days—on our best days, I could see it. We work well enough together even with the gap in my memories.” She said with a bitter smile. “But on days like this, when you’re so far and closing yourself off, I feel like I’m being punished for not remembering.” 

“I don’t know who I’m supposed to be when I’m around you, Tendo-sensei. Our colleagues paint a confusing picture of romance between us, is it love or dependence? It should be the former, but you push me away and it makes me question if you wanted all of this at all.” This has clearly been on her mind for a while now. 

“Even so, I still like you. Some things you just don’t forget huh?” She said it in such a way that it sounded like a mock or reference to something. 

“I really do like you.” She confessed brokenly. “I may have forgotten how it was the first time, yet I still ended up here, close to where I left off.” He would take it but with the sadness that hedged at every word he wasn’t sure if it was a good thing to her. 

“But I’m not sure I like who I was with you.” The pain spread somewhere in his chest that unconsciously his hand moved to soothe the area. 

”Nanase,” His mouth felt tight while her name felt ashy on his tongue. 

“I feel so disconnected with the person you’re probably waiting for that it would be a lie for me to say to you I’d ever want her back.” 

He clutched at her hand. “Okay. It’s okay. You don’t have to.” He said as his head shook side to side. 

“Then look at me. Hold my gaze and tell me you can take it even if this is all you may ever find.” 

The thing is, looking at her was never the problem and it wasn’t like what her mind is telling her that she’s somehow lacking because she forgot about them, no. It was the gradually glaring fact that he was going to have to lose her either way. 

He knew the first time out of the many times since she stopped tailing him, walking opposite him at every hall busy with her duty. This was validated after he heard Ms. Negishi say that she’d been the most efficient in those earlier weeks. He knew when hearing her call him with her characteristic lilt and fondness was getting less and less frequent, only to turn a corner and see her seeking the guidance and expertise of other physicians. 

He couldn’t do something with her head, but seeing how drastically she’d improved as a nurse, he knew what to do, professionally and intimately. 

She got the flight details wrong.

He would laugh if not for the fact that he has to race to get to the airport to catch up to her. She would apologize for the inconvenience, he knows, and he knows better than to tell her he would rather take all of her so-called inconveniences than live a life of perfected routine without her.

Instead he runs like within his hands is a heart needed for a transplant and the recipient is on the other side of Tokyo. It isn’t like that of course, but he still has his heart beating wildly in his chest begging with every thump to get to her, so he runs. 

Vaguely he was reminded of that fateful day in their neighborhood when he first heard her voice, but this time it wasn’t just a voice that was spurring him, it was the sight of his light at the end of the tunnel—standing up and preparing to board her flight. 

“Nanase!” 

Please. 

For the last time, wait. 

The light from the glass walls is just too bright that he could only see a silhouette of her turning to him, but his eyes hungrily take up every second of the scene. 

Finally in front of her, he can see the details of her face that the morning light obscured from him.

“You- I almost didn’t catch you.” Breathing a lungful of air as he clutches at her hand. 

“You catch up just fine, about five minutes fine.” She teases as tears visibly pool in her eyes. 

Tendo’s resolve crumpled and the hand that was clutching her pulled her in for the tightest hug he could give. The comfort of her in his arms again almost had him falling at her knees to beg for forgiveness so he could implore her to let him be selfish this time.

“I’m sorry it ended the way it did.” She whispered to his shoulder. The clog in his throat refrains him from speaking so he shakes his head no frantically to the hug. 

“Who I was to you before, please think of her fondly.”

”You don’t have to tell me, idiot.” He sobs as he burrows his face deeper in the space between her neck and shoulder. 

“I will always be grateful for the love and care you gave her then, I’ll take it from here.” His fingers tighten their grasp on her coat, instinctively trying to keep her as close to him as he possibly could. 

“I’ll be a great nurse. I will make all of you proud.”

”You will. You already do.” 

The PA system calls for boarding. 

The hug ended but his hands are still reluctant to let go of her. Seeing his tear-stricken face, she extended her hand to wipe at his cheek softly and he chased after every dab of her skin. 

“Nanase,” Begging.

“Take care of yourself, Tendo-sensei.” Her warmth was escaping through his grasp. 

He watches her walk away.

Each step taking her farther not just from him and the city that housed the love they found and let go, but also

farther from that girl he first and last glimpsed of in that neighborhood street,

farther from the nurse whom he walked past after she misguidedly confessed on the first day.

Every click clack of her heel that echoed in his ears was a step closer to the nurse she’s bound to be

and the woman he might never know. 

“Think of her fondly”