#kill everyone

light thats not how the book works

MICROSOFT TEAMS

FUCKING

SPOILERS

okay, i have many thoughts on today's episode, and my head is reeling. we are getting closer to the rigel arc and I CAN FEEL IT with the more and more carme is present in recent episodes. (if mel received the letter, so did rigel 🙈.)

the way carme is represented here baffles me. he is suppressing his own emotions to the point that he seems to ignore them entirely. he makes himself a shoulder to lean on for other people while never thinking about himself. im not sure if that is a way of coping, as i have suspected before, but multiple times throughout the episode, carme is shown to be compliant to a fault. wheatley comes into carme's shop at an unreasonable hour, carme is restless but chooses not to express that and let wheatley continue his shenanigans despite clearly wanting him to leave. he dissociates during the meeting at the haven and DESPITE wanting to leave, he stays at the request of the council. there is a continuous pattern of dissociating throughout his day until he has a session with mel, until he has to focus on someone else.

i wonder if carme sees himself almost as a blank slate for other people to use as they please. use him for a shoulder to cry on or to go on missions, everything for the betterment of other people. when he's not needed, he shuts himself out from the world and goes through life as if he is not even there. he tries to entertain himself with hobbies but doesn't enjoy the silence. this is why i can understand his reasons for visiting sun and moon so much; it gives him company.

"i'll be at your service if you need me still."

when the topic is swerved to him (when mel brings up the letters carme sent during his infection) he quickly redirects the topic back to mel and what she has going on. he bookmarks it for later, but will it ever really be brought up again? there are times i can tell when carme would like to open up about his emotions or bits of his past, but he is very vague and seems to stop himself before it gets too personal. i genuinely can't even pinpoint what this could be from. is it a fear of being perceived differently or feeling selfish for making the scene about him? both? either way, this behavior is conditioned. this is a representation of an individual whose trauma has conditioned them to suppress emotions and prioritize peers in order to disregard the past. he sees himself as inferior.

carme in a way is hypocritical, never following his own advice.

carme NEVER truly speaks up for himself, at least in the way he should; he will defend his loved ones and fight for their sanctuary but not his own, as if he does not want to invalidate other individuals.

this becomes more apparent with aspen (don't come to my town, DON'T get me STARTED on this bitch.) aspen invalidates carme's experiences and projects their own insecurities. carme's fault of not communicating his uncomfort for the treatment he receives from them leads aspen to wrongfully assume his character when it is truly carme's inability to advocate, so instead he creates distance in hopes they will grow apart on amicable terms. however, because carme chose to live in that process of thought, he himself became detached from aspen. and even after aspen cheated on him (die) carme would rather create distance over confrontation. it's not as if he can't completely speak for himself; he can get firm, but he won't express true sorrow. i can imagine aspen and carme originally got along fine and led to their arrangement as partners (possibily carme wanting to explore his inexperience from being secluded in the circus), but by the time aspen's deeper characteristics were shown, carme's realized he jumped into things wayyyyy to fast, but too late to say anything, so he continued to remain compliant until everything burned over.

in the end, he chooses to block every weight, every negative thought and re-focus to a positive. "i'm going to get some ice cream." carme, babe, you cant eat 😭.

carme is there for everyone else, but when is someone going to be there for carme?

tldr: carme crashout is inventible and im waiting patiently.

anyways i usually add art at the end of my psychosis rambles so here you go

⬇️