#khasra

TW: medical child abuse, depictions of a suffering child

(written notes transcribed in alt text!)

:')

(part one!!)

ok so like

when khasra and roya reunite, roya isn't able to communicate well after twenty years without using their simple sign language. they can barely let go of each other, so even if roya remembered anything, his hands weren't free for him to show it.

after convincing his helpers that roya isn't a threat and briefly explaining their history--khasra can't speak much either bc he's crying the whole time, the children have Never seen him cry this much before--he brings roya inside and lets him bathe and gives him some spare clothes. roya changes out of his xun armor but puts on two pieces of clothing that khasra Didn't provide: two intricate black cloth-covered weights that wrap around his forearms and wrists. khasra is amazed at their excellent design and how they're keeping roya's hands still and wants to ask more about them, but decides there's time for that later. right now, he needs to know how roya is still alive.

khasra takes roya to his bedroom and (after some hesitation), for the first time in twenty years, opens the drawer where he'd left his childhood book of remedies. he shows roya the old book and the old drawing, which starts to stir roya's memories. khasra's childhood penmanship and spelling wash over the young doctor like a cleansing tide. he used to have this pure innocence, this belief that he could help and save anyone he wanted to. roya's abduction had shattered this part of his heart for a long time, and with roya huddled quietly next to him--grown up, healthy, though a little socially awkward and covered in scars--khasra can feel the damage fading.

khasra and roya relearn some of the sign language they'd devised as children, and khasra grabs a pencil to add some new entries as he attempts to decipher roya's life since their separation. the most roya can communicate is:

"at the time of" "the abduction" "the abduction" "again" -- ("when i was abducted by the cultists, i was abducted from them.") this alarms khasra. additionally, he meant for "the abduction" to refer to the specific event of their separation, but he adjusts the entry to mean any abduction.

"bad" "people" "me/my" "safe" ; "bad" "people" "name" "blood" -- ("they were not exactly good people, but they protected me. these people were called 'blood' (xun).") khasra decides to coin a new sign for the group to differentiate them from the bodily fluid, just so he doesn't have to panic about roya's safety.

"xun" "fight" "(i) want" "money" ; "me/my" "money" "fight" -- ("the xun fight because they desire money.") khasra correctly deduces that the xun are mercenaries. ("my payment was to fight for them.") khasra doesn't understand the xun's concept of favor debt, and worries that roya may have voluntarily joined them. the job doesn't require much verbal communication, after all, and roya has become quite...burly.

"ten" "ten" "year" "me/my" "money" "full" -- ("after twenty years, my payment was fulfilled.") the "full" sign means "full" in the context of a meal, originally created so roya could tell khasra that he didn't want to eat anymore. khasra deduces that, after twenty years(!!) as a mercenary, roya was finally satisfied with the money he'd earned.

(at this point, roya notices that khasra looks somewhat worried. he flips through the book and uses their specific childhood sign for "your expression is confusing me." khasra notes that roya doesn't have his weapons, but he does have his heavy arm weights and is overall giant. he feels guilty for being wary of roya--granted, most mercenaries aren't the kindest, and some also have a habit of abducting children they deem fit for the job--and tentatively asks if roya had become a mercenary out of his own volition. roya shakes his head reassuringly but does not clarify, so khasra just decides to dog-ear this chapter of roya's life and figure it out later.)

"at the time of" "ten" "ten" "year" "me/my" "stay" "or" "go away" ; "(i) want" "go away" -- ("when i reached the twenty year mark, i had the choice to either stay here or leave. i wanted to leave.") this relieves khasra a little more than before. he asks, smiling, "so you came back here?" roya shakes his head, thinking hard and producing a long string of signs.

"forget" ; "at the time of" "go away" "i don't know" "there" [used in context of a destination] "me/my" "come with" "heart" "voice" ; "morning/day" "hear" "child/baby" "child/baby" "cry" ; "run" "there" "bad" "bad" "people" "almost" "(the) abduction" ; "very" "angry" "break" -- ("i forgot where 'here' is. as i left, i didn't know where to go, so i went where my heart called me. one day, i heard two crying children. i ran there and found evil people trying to abduct them. i was so angry. i killed [the abductors].")

khasra flinches at this narrative. "break" was originally devised for when little roya accidentally broke something by dropping it during a tremor attack, or when he was very angry and wanted to express a desire to break something. based on roya's sudden angry expression, and his profession, khasra guesses that roya had killed those abductors. he struggles to comprehend this, as a doctor, but knows that--if roya hadn't done what he had done--the two children that were clinging to him at the foot of the steps may have been lost forever.

roya sees khasra's conflicted expression and looks down.

"sorry"

khasra says it's all right, he's grateful that roya had saved the children. he also says that he's grateful that the children had brought roya back to him. he closes the book and embraces roya tightly, and they just take comfort in each other's presence and safety until dinnertime.

at dinner, khasra properly introduces roya to the children (and his helpers). he says that roya doesn't use his voice, but his hands to speak. khasra would be happy to teach anyone who would like to learn roya's language. khasra has had hearing impaired wards before, but they usually lost their hearing as babies due to illness and were immunocompromised, passing away very young from an infection or virus. as such, he'd never used his old sign language until today.

one of the children asks if roya will stay here for a long time. through khasra, roya replies that he may come and go (bc he intends to return to the xun at some point), but may hang out for now, if he is welcome. khasra teases that he is more than welcome, but only if he helps with the children. roya agrees; khasra and his helpers are all like "wait really" because this man does not look like somebody who would be good with children. nonetheless, the healing piece of khasra's heart trusts roya, and also senses that something about his nature will make him a good fit.

as khasra had hoped, roya is kind(?) to the kids. actually, he gets along too well with them. while khasra and the other adults speak to the kids As Adults and bend down to speak to them (not to be condescending but just to be reliable authority figures), roya squats down to see them eye-to-eye, sometimes crawling with the babies and lying down and letting the kids scrabble all over him. he isn't very expressive obv but he is somehow able to make the kids the happiest, and they immediately are obsessed with big brother roya. (they know he's an adult too, but because he's so much more fun, he feels more brotherly than parental.)

after the first few days, khasra tells roya he doesn't have to Do All That, but roya is like ? it makes the kids happy? and khasra is interested that this hardened, battle-scarred mercenary is so willing to roll in the dirt and play rough-and-tumble with the kids without any speck of shame. not that this is shameful! khasra is deeply moved by how involved roya is when entertaining the kids. but it just doesn't seem very mercenary-like. in fact, roya's nature is so quiet, gentle, and even shy that khasra begins to doubt roya's profession.

though roya doesn't verbally provide much comfort to the children, his presence gives them lots of strength and he is nice to cling to. he doesn't hug bc his arm weights are too heavy and he doesn't want to hurt the kids, plus he isn't too much of a hugger--not even to khasra. he likes to just go to him and stick to him like a burr.

roya doesn't seem to have grown out of his dependence on khasra as a grounding figure. khasra is so happy for roya to be back and still soft-hearted enough to rely on him for comfort, but khasra is struggling to see roya as an adult. he'd only ever seen him as an emaciated, underdeveloped child, after all.

as promised, roya comes and goes, working for the xun mercenaries for a week before returning to the home for a week. the xun don't really question where he's going; they don't really care, as long as he comes back. meanwhile, whenever roya goes away, khasra feels a deep physical pain and worries that he won't come back again--and when roya returns, khasra is filled with relief and joy. he tells himself these feelings are vestigia, trauma from the horrific abduction that had shaped khasra's life. roya is still that tiny lost child, and khasra just feels his old protectiveness over him...that's all. right?

one night, khasra bids roya good night at his bedside. it's the last day before roya is leaving for another week, and khasra says he'll miss roya a lot (roya signs "with"). the bed's a little too small for roya, but he likes curling up anyway, as he did when he was little. as khasra affectionately notes this similarity, he feels a sudden desire for closeness to roya that he's felt before, but never this strongly...

khasra kisses roya and opens his eyes--and for a heartbeat, he sees a child.

overcome with revulsion, khasra falls off his stool and knocks into furniture as he scrambles for the door, trying not to vomit as he bursts into tears. his mind and body have been swarmed by "adult feelings," and he doesn't want to feel them for roya because for twenty years, roya has been a child in his mind. and roya still shows signs of emotional dependence on khasra, and he isn't sure if--just now, in bed--roya had shown desire or naivete or if he was just paralyzed in fear. all khasra knows is that he is a monster for taking advantage of the little boy who trusted him with his whole heart.

all roya knows is that he wanted to keep kissing khasra. but suddenly, khasra looked sick, disgusted, even. he fled roya's bedroom and slammed the door behind him, and he wasn't there to see roya off in the morning, and the keeper of the house told him that master khasra said there was no rush for roya to come back.

why was khasra so upset? was it because roya wasn't what he wanted? was it because he was afraid of him? roya is a mercenary, after all. are his hands too bloodstained for a doctor to hold?

roya walks through the empty streets as if against a river's current.

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