#kevinball

imagine; youve been keeping a secret from everyone around you, rather than tell Lip, your boyfriend, you fabricate a lie to make him hate you.

WARNING: none

The soul-crushing truth. It ate away at me with every thought that consisted of him, and you can imagine how bad it was whenever he clouded my mind. It wanted out, it clawed at the barriers I made surrounding it wanting to be set free, it didn't care who it hurt in the process. It wanted to be known. But it couldn't come out. They'd look at me differently. He'd look at me differently. Lip.

He knew something was up, whether it was my tedious steps or paranoia that had seemed to be more noticeable than I had thought, he had brought it up with me a couple of times. But I always held up a front — confused —  unsure of what he was talking about but I knew, he was the one that was uninformed because I knew it all, I knew what was behind those barriers, what was so desperately trying to be set free. But he couldn't know.

I was sitting at the dinner table at the Gallaghers', trying to stop my heart from beating so fast and my leg nervously bounced on the ball of my foot under the table. My eyes were frantic scared someone would see through the cracks of my facade. Lip hadn't noticed. His eyes were trained on the bacon he was making me. Although it was around 9 pm and they had dinner hours ago. He knew something was wrong and he thought food might help. It wouldn't, but it helped the ache in my heart knowing that he cared for me.

But I can't be near him without feeling guilty, sick to my stomach kind of guilt, the one that isn't always so suffocating but is always there, in the back of my mind when our eyes meet or when his lips touch mine, guilt. Scared he'd find out what I'd done and hate me for it. I was scared for him to let me go, but maybe I'd have to let go of him first. Maybe he needed me gone, to stop the worry to stop him from hurting more than he already did.

"Hey, Lip. Oh, Jesus, Y/n you look like shit" Fiona said, rushing down the stairs causing my leg to freeze but my heartbeat increased as I frantically looked at her and back to my feet. I'm sure I was being subtle, but the pain in my chest increased. I felt so small, so weak. So, so weak.

"I-I'm fine," I say, glancing at Lip who had finally taken his eyes off the food and now had a growing look of concern on his face. I lean myself towards him, my mind scrambling, although he's so far from me, leaning makes me feel as though I'm standing beside him, trying to find the safety of his arms but I'm so goddamn far. "I'm alright, Lip. I promise." I reassured him, and myself.

He wasn't convinced, neither was I honestly. Fiona wasn't dumb either, she knew I wasn't okay. I didn't hide it as well as I thought, I knew they could see clear as day but I couldn't fix this, them bringing it up to me won't change anything. They don't want to know what's hiding within me, hell, I'd pay someone to make me forget it. But I lived it, It was me. I made the decision, no one else, me.

"We have movie night tonight, don't forget" Fiona reminds us, but I don't even hear her. My thoughts grew louder and the scratches began to feel real. I needed out of here. I couldn't take it anymore.

"I'm not actually that hungry. I'll come by later, I just need to get some fresh air right now" I scramble from my seat, rushing past Lip and Fiona. I notice Lip reach for me but his hand stops halfway and drops by his side, instead he painfully watches me as I nearly trip over my own feet, grabbing whatever coat was on the hanger since I knew it would be at least brisk outside.

Stepping outside I was glad I grabbed the coat, I shut the door behind me before trying to get off Gallagher's plot of land as fast as I could, and I felt somewhat at ease once I had exited their gate and began walking down the street, although the thought was still in the back of my mind. It felt better, not so suffocating.

Whenever I was around Lip it felt like I had a million voices screaming at me, wanting me to let the monster out of the cage. So tired of the constant scratching, the constant sinking feeling. I knew these were my own twisted thoughts speaking but I couldn't help but listen, Lip deserved better than me. A girl who lies to him just to hide the truth. Maybe this was better, for us both.

I continued walking, one foot in front of the other until I felt a hand latch onto my forearm, I instantly jolted away unsure of who they were until I saw his concerned blue eyes, I knew he wouldn't leave me out alone long, probably thought I needed a second alone but he probably just made the worst mistake running after me. Now I had to hurt the guy that I love with my entire heart. My entire body.

"Look, Y/n. You're going through shit alright, but I'm here. Don't push me away. Because when I was going through shit, you were there for me alright" Lip spoke, he sounded so fierce with his words yet they were so soft as well, warming me from the inside out. Pushing away from the guilt that gnawed at me. He was the one thing that distracted me but how could he also be the one thing that brought it so heavily into my head. "Just... Just talk to me."

I tried to look away, knowing that what I had to say was something neither of us wanted to hear, but it needed to be said. I'd rather tell him this lie than tell him the truth. He'd hate me but I'd prefer it this way. That way he never knows or has to. I feel his hand press lightly against my turned cheek, lightly pulling me back to face him. Revealing the tears that had spilled down from my eyes and the tears building up in his. He knew.

"I can't do this anymore, Lip. I'm so tired and I just need a break from this" I say, his hand falters from my face slightly before he places his hand on my opposite cheek, now with both of his hands holding my face, I'm unsure of his next words but I don't stop "Us. I can't do us anymore Lip, It was never going to work"

He shakes his head, the tears fall "Shut the fuck up. Alright, shut up. You don't mean that — you can't mean that." He kisses me "We love each other." Another kiss "Whatever you're going through, doesn't have to make us end like this" He shakes my head — not hard — trying to rid the thoughts that had compelled me to do this, but I grab his wrists and pull away but he only fights back harder, grabbing my own wrists in his hands leaving us stuck. "You don't get to do this, not now. Please" He begs.

"Fuck, Lip." I think, think of a way to make him hate me... I got it. I let go of his wrists, so now he's only holding mine. "There's someone else. I've been seeing someone else. And I-" The lie feels like acid on my tongue, and my nostrils burn but I continue "I love him, I'm sorry Lip"

He hasn't said a word, he hadn't even looked at me. How do you even react to a bomb like this, we were happy and now this. What had happened, oh, that's right. I fucked it all up. But this was going to happen one way or another whether it was from this lie or the truth. He lets go of my wrists, I had already let go prior. His head was bowed, I felt shameful. I let him down.

He finally looked up at me, with those beautiful blue eyes I fell for, the ones that held love, concern, happiness but now... now they looked enraged, betrayed, disgusted. I'd had rather die than known this look from Lip. He never looked down at me as much as he did right now. Hell, he'd probably never seen me like that ever.

"Don't ever fucking come near me again" He turns away from me and continues the walk back to his house but he stops, he fucking stops and he turns before saying "I should've seen it coming, dating a skank like you" With those last venomous words, he leaves. I hear the door slam shut behind him.

I stand frozen, appalled by my lie. I fell to the ground, leaning against the gate to the house I was unsure of. I hated myself so much for hurting him, for losing his trust that I would never gain back. But I reminded myself it was better this way. It was, for the both of us.

Now he'd never have to know about our miscarriage...

***

He slammed the front door behind him, his mind was swirling and he couldn't think straight. He wanted to punch something or — preferably the guy that had been fucking his girl — someone. He ignored the looks of concern on his family's face who were all sitting in the living room getting ready to watch a movie.

Lip hadn't seen it when he first entered but there was a spot on the end of the couch, enough space for two people. You and him. You were always there for movie night, Debbie would have your head if you didn't come. He wouldn't be surprised if Debbie is more hurt by the break up than him.

It felt surreal when he finally made it to his room, glad that no one was inside. He wanted to breathe, he didn't want to break anything but he wanted to break things like you had broken his heart. But hell, not even he was that merciless. He wanted to scream his throat raw and cry his sockets dry. But he felt so numb, so lost, so conflicted on his emotions that it frustrated him more.

"Fuck!" He yelled, slamming his hand into the wall. Ouch. Bad choice. But after the pain seared away, he wanted to do it again. You left his mind for a split second there. He knew that his pain wasn't in his chest but his hand. So he did it again. And again. Again. Aga- He heard the door open and he stopped. After a second, the pain faded and it reformed in his chest, your smile fading back into his mind. Dammit.

He could tell by the perfume that lingered around him that it wasn't one of his brothers, but his big sister. He wanted to cry, he felt so weak under her stare. So broken. Like he was some rusty ass toy that she had just found at the back of her closet. So overused and fragile. That's what you caused. He hated you so much right now.

"Lip... Your hand." Fiona points out, he notices the blood but he's silent, he moves away from her and sits on Ian's bed with his head in his hands. He wasn't even sure she was still in the room until he felt the bed sink beside him. "What happened? Where's Y/n?"

Y/n... Just your name, that's all it took for him to relive the moment all over again. The tears falling down your face, as you told him the truth. The distance that you had created between the two of you was so noticeable it hurt him, had you been so careless on purpose, did you want him to hurt, what had he done to deserve such pain from you. The love of his life.

"She loves someone else..." He mutters, it's hard to hear the words come from his own mouth. He wants someone to pinch him so he wakes up to find you sleeping soundly beside him, head on his chest and your legs tangled together but this wasn't a dream, if it was anything it was his worst nightmare. "She fucking loves someone else."

Lip hadn't noticed but Ian was now standing at the door, he heard the words that were said and that seemed to hang in the air. None of them knew what to do with it so it stayed floating waiting for someone to say something but what do you say to someone that had just lose their other half.

"Are you sure? I mean it's Y/n we're talking ab-" Fiona tries to make sure she's hearing things right, she knew you, you loved Lip more than life itself. There was no fucking way you had found someone else, someone new to love.

"Seeing as she just fucking ending things with me because there was someone else might be a clear fucking sign of that" He snaps at her, he doesn't mean to but he can't find a way to diminish this anger. Lip was now standing before Fiona, anger clear on his face as he felt a hand land on his shoulder. He turned to see Ian. His brother had been there for him his entire life. And he was here now. Of course, he was. Lip couldn't help but give him a small smile before it fell and Lip looked at his brother hoping he had the answer "What did I do wrong?"

Ian shook his head as Lip fell into his arms, sobs racking his body as he couldn't hold himself up anymore. They had seen Lip cry but never like this, never to the point of barely being able to hold himself up.