#keepyourhandstoyourself

For all that know me, you know me as an open book. However, for almost 10 years, I’ve been silent on something about my life that has caused me years of torment, anguish, and anxiety. And I hope my story helps someone.

When I was 18, I was sexually assaulted. As someone who was discovering his sexual identity and identity in general; as someone who was way too naïve, too trusting, and too polite, I let a man 10 years older lay in my bed. He took that as a sexual invitation. He began to cross a line and force himself on me. He then disregarded my urges for him to stop when things began to go too far.

For years, I have dealt with shame, guilt, intimacy issues, trust issues, and self-esteem issues. My self-worth became measured by how attractive I was. I went years without having relationships with longevity because of the fear in sexual intimacy and the inability to completely trust someone. I was destroyed.

But for the last 2 years, I decided to take back my power and go to a therapist, and I worked towards utmost confidence and the ability to establish firm boundaries. I was making remarkable progress. Until late last night.

I went into a McDonald’s and was using one of their touch screen ordering devices. All of the sudden, someone forcefully grabbed my ass. Normally, when one does this, it is someone I know (a family member, a friend, a guy I’m dating). So, I was briefly excited in a possible coincidental reunion. But when I turned around, it’s no one I knew. A complete stranger. I then became emotionless and unable to react. All I could do was look this unknown man in the eyes. He proceeded to walk out of the restaurant with a smirk on his face. I got myself mostly together, and noticed this guy was wasted. I wanted to react, but I was torn. Do I stand there and cry? Or do I approach the guy and throw down?

As an exhausted and hungry person, I ultimately decided to do neither. I simply stated “Alrighty” and flipped the guy off. His friend just shrugged and enabled his behavior. After leaving, the disgusting man looked at me through the window and smiled. It made me so nauseous. I was so incredibly violated.

I’ve been intermittently crying the past 24 hours. I have prepared myself for establishing boundaries with another person. But here, I was defenseless. And I know this. I know I had no control. But I can’t let it go. I am angry that I didn’t approach the man. I’m angry I let him walk away unscathed. I felt like I allowed him to take my power. A power I’ve spent so long building back up.

The point in me divulging all of this is quite simple: you don’t know everyone’s story. You may think it’s harmless tomfoolery and minor. But to that person, it could trigger past trauma and have significant ramifications. So... if it’s not warranted and not consensual... KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF.

And to those that relate to my story... know it’s NOT YOUR FAULT. And no matter your sex, age, size, gender identity, or sexual orientation, sexual assault can happen to anyone. And it MUST STOP.