#kalexweek

Why were they at the DEO? How were they at the DEO? She had been in Central City for a conference. She and Lena were both going to be speaking at it, Lena more than her. Alex had gone ahead of them because someone had tried to set up an assassination attempt (really, at this point, people should know better). Kara and Lena were waiting for Alex’s ‘all clear’ before arriving. The pair had been in Star City visiting Oliver and Felicity, oohing over little Mia.

Alex knew this, because both of them had been sending her texts containing pictures of the little girl in various outfits. This including miniature versions of several onesies modeled after hero costumes, made mostly by Winn in order for them to be accurate.

“Kara?” She managed to croak out, reaching for her. What was going on?

“It’s okay Alex, you’re going to be alright zhao.” Kara turned to see who hand entered.

Caitlin and Lena were tied, Lena allowing the other woman to enter first to check Alex’s vitals. She made her way to Kara’s side, wrapping one arm around the blonde’s waist and laying a hand over the pair tangled together on the edge of the bed.

“You gave us both a scare Alex,” Lena told her. “Don’t ever do this again.”

Alex coughed. “What even happened?” Kara broke away to get her some water. She helped her sip it while Caitlin finished what she was doing.

Caitlin frowned. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

“I was in Central City for the conference,” Alex began, feeling better now that her mouth wasn’t so dry and the tiredness was fading. “I’d just sent Vas back with the wannabe assassin and my report.” She frowned, trying to remember. “I was…phone. I was on my phone looking at the new pictures you two,” she sent a stern look at her lover and their shared best friend, “had just sent me. You really dressed Mia in a miniature DEO uniform? How on any Earth did Oliver let you do that? Where did you even get it?”

Lena snickered. “Winn and Cisco both missed their calling in Fashion. And Felicity was the one to convince, but after the mini-Green Arrow outfit she was sold.” Considering the size of the smile on Oliver’s face in the picture of the two of them in the matching outfits, Felicity had been hard pressed to deny the other outfits.

“…Do I even want to know?” Alex looked at Caitlin. The woman was shaking her head.

“Those pictures are never going to see the light of day outside of this group,” she assured her patient. “Their antics aside, what else do you remember?”

That was a loaded question that Alex wasn’t certain she knew the answer to.

“I’m not sure,” Alex admitted slowly. “I don’t…what happened?”

“There was a second particle accelerator explosion at the hotel,” Caitlin explained. “A much smaller one, but it caused a lot of damage to the hotel and surrounding area. Barry’s been chasing down new metas since then, as well as the pair of scientists who are responsible.”

“They did it on purpose, although we’re not entirely sure as to why.” Lena took up the explanation. “I did discover that my brother was funding them from prison,” her smile was vicious, “that stream of revenue has now been stopped.”

“Which of us was the target?” Alex asked, shifting so the ties on her gown were no longer digging into her.

“Any of us, all of us,” Lena shrugged. Her brother wanted her dead. He wanted her two protectors dead almost as badly as he did her. He had proven several times over that he didn’t care about collateral damage. “Does it really matter at this point?”

“It doesn’t,” Kara asserted. “All that matters is that it didn’t work. Alex is fine, right?”

“Well…” Caitlin hesitated. It was highly unnerving to have all three of them staring at her. “We’ll need to run a few tests, but-”

“I’m a meta,” Alex cut her off. “Just how long have I been unconscious?” The longer she was awake, the better she was feeling. She was also starving.

“Four months,” Lena answered when it appeared the other two weren’t going to say anything. Kara looked distressed just thinking about it. There had been a few moments where they had honestly believed Alex would never awaken.

“Four…four months?” Alex stared at her. “No wonder I’m hungry.”

Kara giggled, taking that statement as the okay to do as she had wanted since carrying Alex out of the wreckage. She hugged her lover to her tightly, heedless of the tubes and wires. Alex winched, but returned the embrace.

“Great, now there’s going to be two bottomless pits.” Lena teased good-naturedly.

“You should be alright, but start with simple things.” Caitlin warned her. She disconnected the machines that were no longer needed. She had been around enough meta-humans and super-powered people to know the signs.

“Right, any ideas what my power might be?” Alex had read over enough of the reports from Starr Labs to know that different powers had different markers, although some were similar. A few were a little hard to determine, such as the mental based powers. Alex didn’t feel all that different.

“Not yet,” Caitlin replied. “We’ve been more concerned over the other injuries you sustained.”

“Which are all healed,” Kara said. “The head injury was the worst,” her lip wobbled as she held back tears, “and your heart stopped twice during surgery when they had to go in and repair some internal damage and remove the shrapnel from your back.” She had needed to keep reminding herself that Alex was in one piece. Her human was still alive and breathing.

Lena motioned for Caitlin to follow her out the door so they could leave the two alone. Kara didn’t care if they were there or not, but Alex would. The stubborn woman refused to remove herself from the impression that she had to be strong in front of everyone all the time. Lena had the same tendency, so she couldn’t exactly fault her friend for it. They would have it out later. Right now, Kara needed her more.

Kara had the decency to wait until the others were out of the room before climbing into bed with her lover. Alex shifted to the side so there was more room, but she needn’t have bothered. Kara picked her up so she was in her lap, curled into her chest.

“I was so scared Alex.” She whispered. She couldn’t even ask Alex not to do this again because it wasn’t anything they could control. Neither of them could give up this life, not when what they did was something that felt like what they were meant to do.

“I know,” Alex understood that kind of fear all too well every single time Kara ended up beneath the sun lamps for more than minor injuries. “I know, and I’m sorry.”

“No, Alex, you don’t have anything to apologize for.” Kara nuzzled her face against Alex’s hair. “Lena’s already ordering food, and then I’ll go get your favorite.”

“The food truck in Chicago?” Alex sighed, already imagining dripping cheese and perfectly grilled ham between toasted bread and topped with sautéed onions and peppers.

“Of course,” Kara reluctantly let her go. “Wanna shower?”

“Are you saying I stink?” Alex laughed as Kara backtracked and babbled before frowning at her. Kara stopped after a moment, pouting. “Come on, let me shower before the food gets here. I’d like to be in some real clothes.”

“Right!” Alex squealed as Kara levitated off the bed to bring them to a standing position. Alex remained ensconced in her arms, despite the protest that she could walk.

Kara walked them to the small bathroom attached to the room. The shower stall was tiny, big enough for only a single occupant on purpose. Even so, Kara remained in the room as Alex showed.

Alex blinked as time seemed to slow for a brief moment, seeing each individual drop of water as it fell before returning to normal. Blinking again, she reached to steady herself against the wall. Perhaps she wasn’t as well as she felt.

“Alex?” Kara sounded strange, word drawn out as if she were speaking incredibly slowly.

“Kara?” Alex reached out, trying to find the blonde. “Kara, I think-”

“Alex!”

Alex stumbled to a stop before striking the wall. She was completely dry, despite the fact that the shower was still running and she had just stepped out of it. She was shaking.

What the hell?

“Hey, I got you,” Kara wrapped a towel around her, not really knowing what else to do. “I guess we know what your power is now.”

“Kara, what just happened?” She hated when her body did things she didn’t want it to. She had trained hard to be as in control of it as humanly possible.

“You’re a speedster.”

------------

Much, much later that night they were in their apartment. It hadn’t changed much in the four months she had been in the Medbay.

It was comforting, that bit of familiarity.

She had lost four months of her life. Now she had super-speed.

It was far from a fair tradeoff. She would much rather have those four months back.

She had missed Kara’s birthday. Lena’s Birthday. Her and Kara’s second anniversary.

Alex had been planning to propose then.

What the hell was she meant to so with super-speed?

Barry had already offered to help her learn to use her powers. Alex had already agreed to it, although she would be on the watch for any tricks. She had heard about how Oliver had ‘helped’ when Barry had first gained his speed, just as she had heard how Barry had gotten revenge after another meta had temporarily switched Barry’s speed with Oliver’s talent with a bow.

Not that Kara would allow any such thing to happen. In fact, Kara was as adamant about being a part of Alex’s training as Alex had been about Kara’s in the first place.

“You’re over thinking this,” Kara muttered softly. “You’re alive. You’re faster than me now.” She giggled. “And you can’t tease me anymore about my food intake!”

Alex groaned. “Remind me to talk to J’onn about a food stipend, else we’ll need to live at the DEO.” She had matched Kara in sheer amount of food eaten for the first time since the alien had come to live with the Danvers.

“Lena already thought of it,” Kara said. “We have the best best friend, especially when she gets to thwart her mother.”

“…dare I ask what the two of you have gotten up to?”

“Well…” Kara buried her face into Alex’s neck for a moment.

“Oh god…what did you two do?” Alex fought her grin. There was a reason they worked as a trio, elsewise the one left out tended to have to get the pair out of a mess.

“I mean…crank calls, a few bashed up bases, some re-stolen funds donated to charities that needed it, a few trick programs that’ll send their servers crashing at different points…not much.”

Alex was shaking in laughter. “You two crank called…and J’onn let you get away with it?”

“Well…I mean…” Kara giggled. “Some of the others helped. J’onn may have made a few suggestions.”

“No way!” Alex denied.

“Okay, he may also have given all of those involved a very stern lecture about not messing around like unscrupulous teenagers.” Kara admitted.  “Lena quoted something from Doctor Who back at him.”

That sounded more like the man who had become the adopted father of their rag-tag group. It was very much something Lena would do in response to being lectured. Alex would bet she might even know which quote it was.

She turned over so she could wrap her arms around Kara. “Winn isn’t allowed to design my suit. I’ve seen some of what he wanted to dress you in, remember?”

Kara giggled. “Yes, I do. Breakfast says Lena already has something by tomorrow.”

Alex thought about it. “Pancakes if you’re right, French toast if you aren’t.”

“Deal,” Kara agreed, “now sleep.”

--------------------

Kara had not been wrong. Lena did have something ready for Alex.

“Oh, Alex it’s perfect!” Kara danced around her, taking it in.

It was very much like Barry’s suit, built to withstand the extreme speeds Alex would be running at. It was mainly blue, a shade darker than Kara’s own suit. Where Barry’s suit had gold, the same red as Kara’s cape traced seams and edges in contrast to the blue. On the left shoulder, like a badge of honor, rested the El crest. The emblem on Alex’s chest was a thin, ragged lighting bot split into tree prongs in red.

“How does it feel?” Lena eyed her work critically, trying to find any flaws.

“Good, comfortable,” Alex fidgeted. “Tighter than what I’m used to.” She spun around. “No cape?”

“If you could fly, I would have added a cape.” Lena typed something into her tablet. “It’s tight because loose fabric would create drag.”

“She’s right,” Kara nodded. “Why do you think I drop the cape if I have to use my speed on the ground? It’s great in the air, not so much for running.”

Alex nodded. It made sense. Most of the heroes they knew who had capes did very little (if any) ground maneuvering. “Ok, now what?”

“Now you need a new codename,” Lena looked up, smirk firmly in place. “I figured you would rather come up with one yourself before Cat Grant gives you one.”

Alex eyed her warily. “Why can’t I just keep Agent? We can just add speed or something to it.”

“Agent Speed,” Kara shook her head. “Nope. That’s almost as bad as The Blur.”

“I was thinking Lightning,” Lena announced. She nodded to the scorch mark on the wall. “Fitting, since you mastered that particular trick so quickly.”

Kal-El was nothing more than a human, willing to give up everything he was for love. He didn’t know a thing about love. He didn’t know a thing about family when he left her, abandoned her, with a strange family that could never be hers. The Danvers weren’t her parents and they could never compare to Alura and Zor-El. Both of them were scientists and yet they couldn’t explain the universe. They could measure its real dimensions. They didn’t know the laws that ruled the stars. They were scientists but didn’t know anything at all.

They’re not family. Sadly, neither is Kal-El.

“Kara, please…listen to me.”

Then there was the daughter of Eliza and Jeremiah. Alex; the girl that had it all but decided to sacrifice everything for Kara. Well, that was not true. She was forced to give everything up against her will. She was forced by Jeremiah and Eliza to accept an alien as her sister. They’ve never been. The title was a lie and Kara was tired of pretending. She wasn’t a human and she wasn’t Alex’s sister.

“You were exposed to red Kryptonite. It’s altering your brain. You’re not seeing clearly.”

The anger, all of those suppressed feelings weren’t there because of the red Kryptonite. They were there because her parents refused to listen to a world that was dying. They refused to take action and condemned an entire civilization to extinction. They put her in a pod to take care of a baby when she was thirteen and expected her to be an adult when she was far away from it to Kryptonian standards. They gave her a chance, at least that’s what they thought. In reality, Kara had to face a foreign world on her own with abilities that she never had before and a cousin that was already a hero. He was too busy to care for her even when he was everything she had left.

The ire was born from illusions that fell with a domino effect once she decided to put on a cape.

Her mother let her world die. Her parents used her to caught Astra, a woman that she respected and loved with all her heart. Then Astra wasn’t innocent and she had a plan to save Krypton but not the people. And now she was dead too because Alex killed her. They weren’t sisters but Alex mattered.

“Oh, I see clearly! I see how you’ve always been jealous of me. You didn’t want me to come out as Supergirl because you didn’t want me to own my powers.” She said with a sneer playing on her lips. “I can fly, I can catch bullets with my bare hands and that makes you feel worthless.”

“No.”

Alex shook her head. There was some truth to those words. She used to feel inferior to Kara, the girl that came from the stars but then that feeling went away and was replaced by something stronger.

“No, I’m proud of you.”

If Alex didn’t want Kara to reveal herself to the world it was never because she was afraid of Kara being strong and independent. It was never because she wanted to control Kara. She couldn’t compare to her in any way. She couldn’t stop her from being a hero but Kara wasn’t ready. Alex wanted her to be better than Superman, with a better training and a settled life. If she took up the DEO offer was to fix her life, sure. But it was also to make sure Supergirl could do more and be better than the Man of Steel. Being a hero was so much more than being able to fly and punch someone in the face and Kara didn’t know that, but she learned and Alex was proud of her.

“And when you couldn’t stop me from being Supergirl you got me to work for you; to retain some control. I am, finally, free of you and I’m ready to soar.”

“I am not jealous of Supergirl. I was never jealous of your powers.”

Kara turned around, ready to fly out of there but intrigued by those words. Wrath was still bubbling and growing. People thought they know her but no one did, no one could understand Kara Zor-El. No one could understand the depth of her pain. No one would know about Krypton and the beauty of a world lost several years ago.

“When you came to live with us, I was jealous of your beauty; blond hair, blue eyes and a powerful pout that would reduce my parents to compliant people. They would do anything you asked from them without a doubt and I was never able to do so. I was angry because all the things they never gave me were given to you. I resented you for that but, I never hated you. I don’t hate you, Kara. You are my sister.”

“Cut the big sister act, Alex! We’ve never been sisters. We don’t share blood.”

“That never stopped me from loving you.”

“Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not.  You are more than what I could ever be but it’s not because of your powers. Sure, every kid dreams about flying and being just like you but, I can’t be like you. No one can. I don’t want to be like Supergirl because you are special. You are unique and I’m happy to be me, someone that can be there for you whenever you need me.”

“You have no life without me, Alex. And that kills you. So stop pretending that you care about me because deep down, you hate me. That’s why you killed my aunt.”

“That’s what you think?”

“No, it’s what I know.”

Kara expected to see pain on Alex’s face, something more than the flash of hurt on hazel eyes quickly covered by a poker face. Kara was sure about her words until she didn’t get the reaction she was counting on. Alex should hate her for so many things and if she didn’t before, she would once their conversation was over.

“I tried to have a life without you because in reality, you don’t need me. I tried to find my way in life without you there and that killed me. Instead of finding something, I lost myself and drawn in alcohol until Hank found me. He gave me a chance to work for him and with that, he gave me a way back to you.”

Alex’s eyes were hard but her voice trembled slightly because Kara’s words, her sole presence while she was under the red kryptonite’s effect, were unsettling. She couldn’t show much of what she was feeling at the moment. Not yet. Not until she could find a way to reach Kara under the layers of anger, hurt and sadness irradiating from her. No, Alex wasn’t going to let the red kryptonite win and whisk Kara away.

“How can I hate you for something that was my choice most of the time? It wasn’t like that in the beginning but I hated my mother for it, not you. And then I wanted to dedicate my life to you even when you didn’t need me. That way I would get to be at your side. I didn’t mean to control you; I just wanted to make sure you were safe and ready to be out there, exposing yourself to the world. I wanted you to be a hero but, I wanted you to have a life first.”

“A life? Do you think hiding my powers and getting coffee for Cat Grant is a life?”

Kara felt the anger grow on the pit of her stomach and the way red kryptonite clung to her lungs and bones. It made her feel empowered and ready to pounce, to destroy the building and half the city with it. Every sharp word made her stronger. Every dark look she directed to Alex was like a breath of fresh air.

“Yes.” Alex answered without flinching. “I know Kara Danvers is not who you really are but it’s a safe place where no one expects you to save the world. Being Cat’s assistant is not a fancy job but you do it well and you have a chance to save the world without using your powers. If you think all your power comes from the yellow sun, you’re wrong. You have the ability to change those around you, the way you changed me. You are a hero and you don’t need a cape to prove it. You can have anything you want and there’s no need to hurt others.”

“Why should I settle with that? Look at this city, Alex. They worship me and if they don’t, they will.”

“And then what? They’re going to be afraid of you. They’re going to pretend to love you but will be scared. They will learn to hate what they once loved. That’s what you want? I know…”

“You know nothing!” Kara exclaimed.

“I know you are better than any of us.” Alex continued even when Kara made a dent with her fist in the nearest wall. “And I know that it isn’t about your powers. It’s about your heart being in the right place, Kara. I’ve seen it for years and now you want me to believe this is you? The real you? I can’t. You have every right to be angry and hurt,” Alex took a shuddering breath before meeting blue eyes once again, “you have every right to hate me but don’t focus your wrath in a city that loves you already. We all look up to you when we’re in need of some hope.”

Kara started pacing the room then, her eyes cold and anger still visible with every movement.

“And who’s there when the hero falls? When I fail people are quick to notice my flaws. I’m still learning to be a hero but you don’t see that. You don’t care. It would be easier to conquer the world and hold myself above everything, and then they won’t be able to point their fingers at me.”

“It would be easier but it wouldn’t be right. You wouldn’t be better than us.”

Those words stopped Kara in her tracks and a moment later she had Alex pinned against the wall with an arm firmly pressed against her throat. It was a display of power and dominance but it didn’t break Alex like it was supposed to.

“I could kill you right now.”

“I know but you won’t.” Alex replied breathlessly. “Like you didn’t let me die on that plane. You saved me and you saved everyone else and became a hero.”

“Maybe that was a mistake.”

Alex tried to hide the pain caused by those words. She hoped that Kara would let her die back then although she was incredibly grateful when Supergirl made her first appearance to save them all. Alex wasn’t afraid of death. She wasn’t afraid of dying and certainly, her job as a DEO agent put her life on the line more often than not but, knowing that perhaps Kara regretted saving her stung more than what she was ready to handle while being chocked.

“Destroying National City won’t bring back Krypton. Killing me won’t change anything; it won’t fix my mistakes and won’t take the pain away. You can avenge Astra, kill me, and you won’t be more than a human with super powers. You will be just as flawed as we are. You will become what you’ve been fighting all your life.”

“Shut up!”

The pain was sharp on Alex’s temple after hitting the wall. She didn’t grunt in pain although she gasped in relief when her lungs were able to fill with air. Blood ran hot and sticky down the side of her face but that wasn’t important at the moment. Something had changed about Kara and Alex focused on that.

“You killed the only person I had left! You killed someone I loved.”

“I’m sorry.”

No apology could erase the pan that Alex’s actions caused to the young Kryptonian. Astra wasn’t a saint and her choices lead her to Fort Rozz but she was Kara’s family. She was one of the only people that knew Krypton before it died. She was a general that fought for the truth even if her ways of achieving change weren’t the best ones. Astra was a light that Kara thought was gone forever and Alex took her away without being able to think twice about it.

“Do you think that changes anything?”

“I know it doesn’t. Destroying the city, scaring people and going against everything you’ve done won’t fix things either. It would make everything worse.”

“This city don’t deserve a superhero and I deserve more than this. I could rule the world and claim myself the Queen of Earth and no one could stop me. Not Superman. Not the DEO. Not you.”

“We can, maybe not right now, but we could stop you at some point. You’re not invincible. We know about Kryptonite. The world would worship you when you’re there but hatred would fill their hearts when you turn around. They would team up to defeat you and people would follow Lex Luthor’s example. It would be easy to believe Maxwell Lord and listen to his rotten ideas. He made this to you, Kara. Don’t let him win.”

There was a moment of silence between them, tense and cold, with Alex still bleeding and her head starting to pound. They were staring at each other, trying to predict the next move in this dangerous dance. Both of them were a mystery to the other and yet the old familiarity was still there, holding them back.

They had been together through so many things already that the only thing that could get through the heavy daze of red kryptonite was Alex. Of course, there was a backup plan but Alex wasn’t ready to risk Kara’s life with a ray that would drain the red kryptonite from her system or could kill her with the smallest miscalculation.

“You are the most powerful being on Earth and it’s not because you’re an alien powered by the Sun. People love you. It’s what you do and not how. You have saved many people from tragedy and death. There are things we can’t stop. There are battles we cannot fight but you can. We don’t deserve you. You have every right to be upset, angry, hurt because life hasn’t been fair to you. Don’t do this, Kara. It’s not about us, but about who you are and I know you’re better than this. I know you don’t want to lose what you have now.”

“You don’t know anything about me!”

Kara’s eyes were shining with the dangerous blaze of her heat vision. Red lines were dancing on her skin like mocking shadows of the poison running through her veins. Kara was dark, powerful as lightning in a storm night when the Sun is nowhere to be seen.

“Don’t I?”

There was no fear in Alex. She was human. Her bones could easily break against Kara’s strength and her life was certainly worthless compared to the Kryptonian’s. However, they were family. Kara was her life, that much was true and no one knew her better than Alex did because she dared to listen to the stories of a world long gone.

It was impossible to understand everything Kara went through but Alex was always willing to listen. She knew about the Phantom Zone and its never ending darkness.  Alex knew of the beauty of Krypton and the way the sky would fill with purple tones once the mighty Rao started its descend.

“You left me. You knew how I felt, fragile and scared of this new world, and you abandoned me too. You don’t know me anymore. You don’t know me like you’re so sure you do. You shouldn’t.”Kara walked, strong and tall, until she had Alex against the wall again. “You don’t know how deep that hurt because I thought you didn’t love me anymore. Every time I called and it went straight to voice mail, I couldn’t believe that it was so easy for you to walk away from me without looking back. You don’t know how I missed you while you were in college because you never picked up the phone. You don’t know that the only reason I came here wasn’t to work for Cat Grant but because you were on this city.”

“I thought you would be better off without me.”

“What?”

Alex looked way then because it was too hard to face Kara when she was full of anger and her eyes were still burning with heat vision. Red kryptonite made Kara face her demons and Kara made Alex face her own. Alex never dared to voice her thoughts because it was too painful to realize and accept Kara didn’t need her. It was easier to pretend and ignore feelings for years. It was easier to run but Kara didn’t give her a chance to escape this time.

“I can’t compare to you. Not with your powers and certainly not with the way you’ve looked at life since you got here. I was struggling, falling in holes and getting into fights. You were meant to fly and I never wanted to hold you down. I just wanted you to slow down. Kara, you were growing up so fast. You were always so beautiful and you didn’t need me. I thought that being around me would break that beauty and taint your pure heart. I thought…”

“You weren’t thinking about me,” Kara interrupted “you didn’t think that I wanted you to be happy but I also wanted to be part of that happiness. You didn’t think about me and how I would miss you terribly while you were away. When I was still on Midvale, all I needed was to hear your voice through the phone but you forgot to pick it up.”

A single finger poked Alex’s chest with enough strength to be felt, to be painful, without breaking the skin or leaving a bruise behind. The gesture was another manifestation of Kara’s anger and only a part of that was born from the red kryptonite; the rest was frustration and pain bottled up from years ago.

“I didn’t need or want you to be perfect. I wanted you to be there, and you left me when I needed you the most!”

“Kara, I…”

“No. You had many chances to speak out, now shut up.” Kara was angry and hurt, trapped in the situation Alex imposed on both of them, trapped because Alex was unable to reach out but also didn’t want to let her go. “When I came to this city, visited your place and told you how much I loved it, I was expecting a chance to live with you again. What did I get instead? Your keys and an empty place while you moved to the other side of the city. How can you know me when you don’t even know what you want? You pushed me away for so long that you don’t know who I am.”

“You’re my sister and I want you back.”

“We’re not sisters!” Kara shot back with desperation clear on her face. “Stop being a coward!”

“What do you want me to say?”

“The truth. I want you to stop lying to me and to yourself.”

Blue eyes were vulnerable for a moment, reminding Alex of the days they would spend together back when they were young; hours and hours of talking about everything and nothing at all. They got to know each other with long conversations lying beneath the stars until the night turned into day. It didn’t take long for Alex to realize she was in love with the girl that fell from the stars. She decided to run, like a coward, and let the sister title fall upon her like a protective blanket that would keep them apart when distance didn’t.

She vowed to protect Kara even if she had to protect her from herself. It never worked out the way it should had.

“I was scared. We were young and I didn’t know what to do.”

“Scared of what?”

“I…”Alex’s excuses sounded empty even before she voiced them. Her feelings never faded away, they grew stronger with every passing day and she decided to hide the truth until its weight was unbearable. She tried to swallow her love and lust with vodka and orange juice but her drunken mind only reminded of Kara and the raw feelings hiding beneath her skin. “Kara, please. Just listen to me, this isn’t you. You don’t want to do this.”

“No, I don’t.” Kara’s eyes weren’t less hard because of her words. “I’ve waited patiently for years and years for you to realize we can have a life together. I’ve endured awful dates to stop Eliza from bothering you until you noticed that the only person I wanted was you. No matter what I did, how patiently I waited, you always ran away. I’m tired of that. This is going to end today, one way or another, and you’re not going anywhere until you make your choice.”

Alex was a good fighter, she was a good leader in the battlefield, damn, she was even good at chess but it was far easier to deal with weapons and rogue aliens than her own feelings. She always found a way out; something to study, a report to write or another mission to start as soon as the last one was over.

Looking at Kara’s stiff posture and sharp angles, Alex knew she had to tell the truth.

“Mom insisted you were my sister and I didn’t like that. You were an alien, a girl from another planet that was shoved into my life. You were many things that I couldn’t be. One day I realized that I loved you but not like I should have. I was scared of what people would say. I was scared that Kal-El would come back and take you away once they realized how deep my love for you was. So, going away was the best idea to keep you safe. I thought that I could forget my feelings and see you just as my sister. I had to try, to go away and bury those feelings so I could stay close to you.”

“Eliza tried to make me fit into a certain role and look how great that worked out for us. You weren’t the only one scared, Alex. Trying to move on for my sake only hurt us. Trying to protect me, you forgot about me.”

“You deserved, deserve, better than me.”

Kara’s laugh was sharp and cold; so unlike her. The sound made Alex shiver in an unpleasant way. Kara’s hands were around her neck a second later but weren’t hard or closing in. They were there to hold Alex in place.

“Who’s better than the person that knows me the best?”

Sarcasm was dripping from those words making Kara’s smile to look like the mask she put on every day to hide her true emotions. She wore a mask to work, to be with her friends and even Supergirl was a tiny part of who she was. Kara wasn’t all kindness and smiles, she hurt and suffered too but she tried her best for the rest of the city. She did her best to help others without asking anything in return and the shadows lurking behind the brightness of her eyes revealed only to Alex. Even if the agent didn’t know everything she knew Kara better than the rest of the world.

“Do you think I should pick the man that only sees me as Superman’s cousin or the one that doesn’t know the meaning of being friends without wanting anything more intimate with him?”

The room started spinning and Alex felt sick. She felt the same way when Kara started dating and went to prom with one of the football team’s players. She loved Kara and wanted her more than anything but she also knew that their relationship was wrong. Not in essence. Their love was deep and pure and nothing forced but the world wouldn’t understand. Their family and friends wouldn’t understand and in the end, that would hurt Kara.

“You’re right about something,” Kara continued “both of them are better than you. They didn’t lie to me about secret jobs and they answer my calls when I need them. They don’t have a problem with alcohol and aren’t cowards like you. And yet, they’re not good enough for me. No one on this world is worthy of my love.”

Alex tried to look away, to stop the tears from falling but she was trapped between Kara’s body and the wall. She was stuck between her sweet loving sister and this altered version asking her to give her everything she held back through the years. Alex was trapped between past and present with the same profound love aching on her chest until she was unable to breathe even when the hands around her neck weren’t choking her.

“The truth hurts, doesn’t it?”

A soft kiss was pressed against Alex’s cheek; scorching her skin and making all her wounds bleed all over again. She tried to convince herself that she was good enough to be part of Kara’s life even if it was just like a sister. She tried to convince herself that Kara wouldn’t want her like that because they were sisters. That’s all they were allowed to be.

“I deserve the best. I can have anyone I want so I don’t understand why I don’t want anyone but you. Do you have any clue?”

“No,” Alex breathed out.

“It’s actually quite simple. You loved me first. You saw me like I was back then, not the alien that was Superman’s little cousin. You didn’t see me like the little and scared girl that came from a dead planet. You saw me as Kara, the girl that was filled with anger and sorrow and yet you believed in me. You found ways to comfort me when no one else was able to. You were there to teach me about this world while you learned about mine. You let Krypton live on your heart and then mine started beating at the same speed. I know you still love me. You want me.”

“I can’t.”

“But you do, I know as much. I’ve seen the way you look at me when we’re alone. You’d like to have your way with me, don’t you? You’d like to have me all for yourself without sharing me with the world. Have you dreamed about it, Alex? We know you’re far from pure. I bet you want me naked. You want to touch my skin, be on top and feel stronger than Supergirl. You’d like me to moan your name and let the city know I’m yours.”

“Stop, please.”

It’s hard to hold Kara’s gaze when there’s a wicked smile on her lips. She was putting images on Alex’s mind, scenes that weren’t unknown fantasies for the agent. Alex had to fight with those needs for years.

“Why? Isn’t it true? You want me.”

A dark chuckle filled the room when Alex’s silence was answer enough. Kara was breaking the walls Alex built around herself. Kara pushed through them like they weren’t even there and with each passing moment Alex was less sure about being able to resist temptation. It would be so easy to indulge her deepest desires.

“Do you love me?”

“You’re my sister and I love you, no matter what.”

“How sweet. Sadly, you haven’t paid attention. Do I really need to say it again? We aren’t sisters. I’m going to ask one more time, do you love me?”

“Yes.”

“Then prove it.”

Warm breath caresses Alex’s cheek; red lips dangerously close to her own. Kara’s so close that Alex was able to see the way blue eyes shone with many emotions. There was desire, dulled and foreign. There was love. Tainted by red kryptonite but sweet and tender because it was Kara’s. There was longing too, reflected on Alex’s eyes because their mutual pinning was almost painful and yet, Alex couldn’t make herself cross that last line. She wasn’t able to lean forward and capture those lips in an ardent kiss. She didn’t want to go forward knowing that there was a chance of losing it all. She couldn’t lose Kara.

“I can’t,” she muttered with a strangled sob.

Then Kara was colder than her the North Pole. Red kryptonite started acting up again, swirling on Kara’s skin, finding a place to root and bloom, taking Kara into an unknown darkness. She would slip through the cracks until Alex wouldn’t be able to reach her. Alex was losing her anyway and she wasn’t able to move.

“Good. Have it your way.”

Kara pulled away abruptly, her face as hard as stone. The fire wasn’t visible anymore, her sass and aggressive attitude were one but Alex knew that an inferno was still burning inside of her. For a moment she wondered if Kara hated her and the next she decided that it was probably the best thing that could come from this outburst.

“You made your choice. If you don’t want this; fine. Just remember that this is the end.”

“Kara, this is not what I wanted for us.”

“I know,” the blonde said between gritted teeth, “you wanted us to pretend our whole lives. You wanted to believe we were okay although we weren’t. We wanted us to be miserable to save face because you’re too afraid of the world waiting out there. Do you think I don’t know what could happen? Do you seriously think I’m that naïve? I know the world is a harsh place, Alex. Maybe I know that better than most and I don’t want to keep pretending that I don’t feel the way I do. This is my life and I have every right to find happiness. You left once and I understood. You were afraid and so was I. But we’re not getting anywhere and I can’t stay like that forever. Now it’s my turn to leave.”

Alex reacted then, more by instinct rather than a conscious thought. She grabbed Kara’s arm and held it tightly, trying to keep her there forever.

“Don’t leave.”

“Why?”

All words seem meaningless at the moment and Alex knows that she needs to act and show how she really feels but she can’t. She can’t move forward and close the distance between them, the one that forbids them from being more than sisters, while Kara is wearing a black suit and she is under the influence of red kryptonite. She can’t open her heart when there’s so much fear inside and this version of Kara doesn’t feel right because it’s not.

“God damn it, Alex!” Kara shouts and the wall next to the window cracks with the force of her fist.

“I love you, Kara. More than anything but I can’t do this now.”

There was a lot of truth on those words and once they made it past the knot on Alex’s throat it was easier to keep going. It was easier to pour out every single feeling although they couldn’t be together just yet.

“You’re my sister, I don’t care if we don’t share blood, because the rest of the world won’t care either. All of those that know us, that are aware of the title forced upon us by my mother, and admittedly by me, will judge us. You can say it doesn’t matter as much as you want but I can’t promise you that all of them will be supportive or will even stay in your life. If you’ve thought about this as much as I have, you know this already.”

“I don’t care about them,” Kara growled “I just care about you.”

“No. I know you care because that’s what you do. The reason you saved me can be interpreted as you not wanting to lose me. The reason you saved mother and daughter at the beach so many years ago is because you care about this world. The reason Winn’s declaration and impromptu kiss surprised you; is because you wanted to have a friend and you tried so hard that even when not feeling the same for him wasn’t your fault, you felt terrible. The reason why you decided to put on a cape and let the world know about you is because this is your world too and you don’t want to lose it. I know that you care about every single person in your life and I can’t promise you that things won’t change.”

“I want to have a chance! I want to be free and love you the way I’ve always had.”

“We…we have to talk about it.”

“Isn’t that what we’re doing?”

“This isn’t you, Kara. You have the right to be mad at life for putting you through so many things and taking so many people away from you. I know you. I’ve seen the rage within you. I’ve seen the pain and loneliness and this is not it. When you go around and let the wrath win, that’s not you. This version is hurting those that you vowed to protect the day you became a hero. You’re going against everything you are. This is not the girl I fell in love with so no, we can’t talk about it now. We can’t go from zero to a million in a second but the person standing in front of me can’t understand everything. Red kryptonite is changing you. I know we can’t compare to you and yet, you don’t need us to destroy yourself. You’re your worst enemy.”

“You can’t stop me.”

“We’re meant to. That’s the purpose of the DEO but I don’t want to hurt you. Not again.”

“That’s why you’re here? They sent you?”

“I came here because I can’t lose you, Kar’. I know it’s hard to believe right now but I could have let you go without saying anything. I could have done whatever I needed to say to take you back with me but you deserve better. I said that. And you deserve the truth. I’m not going anywhere this time, I promise. If there’s any part of you that is not completely overpowered by red kryptonite, I’m begging you to trust me.”

Not another word was shared before Kara was gone. The apartment felt too big and empty without the younger woman there. Only a few hours had passed since Kara, her sweet and bright sister had turned into the dark altered superhero that National City feared. Just a few hours and Alex already missed her.

Every time Alex ran away with her fears and suppressed feelings, she had to come back because life without her alien girl was too hard and painful. She tried to forget about her, disappear from Earth’s surface and buried herself with work and dangerous missions and yet, when she hit her lowest points in life, Kara always saved her somehow.

Alex was about to fail many tests back in college and the only thing that made her work hard was the faith Kara had on her. They would joke around and Alex wasn’t able to shake Kara’s voice calling her doctor way before Alex left to start college. The only thing that could keep Alex sober for more than a day were the monthly visits and her need to pretend she was doing better for Kara’s sake. It was easier to pretend than let Kara witness the dark mess she was with hidden bottles beneath the bed and cigarettes behind cereal boxes.

She should have known that Kara would see right through her. Her x-ray vision would expose every little fault that she tried to hide behind paper and wood. And she could see every little crack on Alex’s life when she smiled as bright as ever and Alex felt the need to run away again, escape the wave of feelings that she wouldn’t be able to hide forever.

As much as Alex tried to stay away, her connection with Kara was too strong and deep for her to ignore. As much as she ignored the signals leading her back to the Kryptonian, Alex found herself there; time and time again. She was glad that all paths lead to Rome and she was grateful for the chance to be part of Kara’s life.

The  default and yet annoying ring tone of her cell phone startled Alex out of her thoughts and she reached for the small device safely stored into her pocket. She answered without looking at the screen.

“Danvers,” she listened for only a second, “I’m on my way.”

The cut on Alex’s temple stopped bleeding hours ago but her head was throbbing painfully. Maybe it was lack of food. Maybe she needed to rest. Whatever the reason, Alex refused to leave the medical wing, Kara was there; laying under the sun lamps. Hopefully free of red kryptonite and back to her usual self.

They had to talk about many things that Alex always tried to avoid but if red kryptonite made Kara’s deepest desires, mostly bad ones, come to the surface and if Kara wanted Alex once she regained complete control of her actions, then Alex was willing to let go of her fear. She needed Kara more than anything and they’ve waited long enough to be together, mostly due to Alex’s fear of being a failure.

Many people thought that Alex was nothing short of a disgrace. It would be easy for them to think she was corrupting her little sister but their love was none of that. They deserve to be happy and they decided to be so with each other. Some would be accepting and others would not but Alex spoke the truth, she wasn’t going anywhere anymore. Perhaps it would be hard but Kara wouldn’t have to face the world alone because Alex would be there every step of the way. Maybe Alex was a failure for the entire world but she refused to fail Kara like she did before.

“Did I kill anyone?”

“No, no. You didn’t kill anyone.”

Blue eyes found Alex within seconds and zeroed on the angry cut and consequently forming bruise on the side of her face. The look of horror on Kara’s face was enough to prove Alex’s point. The woman standing in the apartment, full of sharp words and hurtful intentions wasn’t Kara. It couldn’t be the sweet girl Alex knew.

“I…Alex, I did that?”

“Bruises heal and this will too. Look, there was some truth to what you said and we’re going to talk about it.”

There’s regret plain as day on Kara’s eyes. Fear about losing Alex even when Kara remembers the promise she made about not running from Kara. There’s a dark cloud over Kara, waiting for her to hit a low point before unleashing a cold storm that will shatter her hope. She’s waiting for Alex to add a “but” at the end of her statement that will let Kara know that things won’t ever be the same and her actions, controlled or not, ruined the best thing on her life.

“It was horrible, Alex. I was horrible. I didn’t mean those awful things. You’re beautiful, strong and anyone would be lucky to have you. I don’t know where those thoughts came from…”Kara sobbed, an arm thrown upon her face, shielding her from the look of disgust that would surely be on Alex’s face.

“I do. You were right about more than a few things. I’ve been a coward.”

“You’re the bravest person I know.”

“Maybe on the field, facing aliens that aren’t you. I’ve been scared for too long, Kara. I know that you meant some of those things and I know which ones you don’t. I know you as much as you know me. There’s no one that knows who I am under the masks I wear and the way I pretend to be someone I’m not.”

Through the years Kara had seen Alex like her personal hero and Alex knew almost from the start that she was meant to be a superhero’s hero. She accepted that role years later, when Hank gave her the chance to do better and join the DEO. When her back hit the floor for the first time while she was training, the only thing that made her stand up again was Kara. Alex wasn’t perfect and she had a lot of problems with alcohol and anger but she took all the bad things and turned herself into a better person in and out of the field. She wasn’t good enough for Supergirl but hopefully she could be good enough for Kara. The only thing left to do was to take the first step.

“I love you, Kara. I’m sure I always will. We’re not sisters,” Alex finally accepted.

“Please, Alex. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that!”

The silent plea hidden in those words broke Alex’s heart but she was quick to act this time. She pulled Kara into a sitting position, cupped her face and stared into blue eyes with all the intensity and love she denied them both for so long. She stayed silent until Kara was able to breathe again, the tears stopping and the shivering of her body reduced when Alex rubbed gentle circles on pale cheeks.

“Is this what you really want, Kara? Do you want me? I’m not perfect.”

“You are for me.”

This didn’t solve all the problems they still had. It wasn’t the way Alex planned this conversation going. She didn’t have a plan but when Hank called her to tell her about Supergirl entering the DEO and agreeing to the process, albeit a dangerous one, to rid her body of the red kryptonite, Alex knew that things would change for the better. When she got there and found Kara resting after a rough battle with her own mind, she knew that she shouldn’t be afraid because they were stronger together and Alex believed in that more than ever.

“I want you too. I love you too. And I’m sorry I was a coward before but this time, I’m not going anywhere.”

When Kara stared back into hazel eyes, she saw how every barrier fell and left Alex. The girl that listened to every story about Krypton that Kara was able to tell. Alex was the girl that got into a lot of fights to protect Kara, the girl made of steel. Punches couldn’t have hurt her but then her secret would be revealed. Alex was always there to protect her not just from physical pain; she spared her as much heartache as she was able to. Alex was willing to be miserable for the rest of her life if that meant keeping Kara safe and happy.

Alex’s silence didn’t make her a coward. It made her the strongest woman that Kara ever knew and she loved her a little bit more, if that was possible, because of that.

“I don’t know what’s going to happen out there but I promise you that things will be okay.”

Once Alex lips brushed against hers, shyly at first, hesitant to get too close too fast, Kara knew that things would certainly be okay. When she kissed back, slowly, closing her eyes and surrendering completely to Alex, Kara knew that she wasn’t stronger than humans because she fell in love with the same ease. She wasn’t stronger when it was too easy to get lose on that kiss, her hands pulling Alex closer and keeping her there, in a moment lost in time. She wasn’t better than any human but she didn’t have to when Alex was there to catch her every time she fell.

Things wouldn’t be okay. They would be better than that because after so many years, they would be together and moving forward hand in hand.