#kaity'swriting

My mom drove, I think she was looking for a payphone

Or police

Our neighbor took care of it

I don’t know how

It was either before or after this memory

I think after

He was outside our house

He wanted to get in

Mom told me we needed to hide in the closet

She wouldn’t call the cops

“It would let them know we were there”

Or something 

I don’t even know

Why he was obssessed with my mom I don’t fucking know

Years later they said it was cocaine

He died of an overdose

I feel bad for his family

But not necessarily him

I remember being too scared to sleep in my room

I slept in my mom’s bed far too long

I wet the bed for far too long

I remember seeing a shadow out the window and feeling scared

like a monster was hiding out there

My grandma helped me outgrow the bed wetting

Nothing but bribery worked

She said she would buy me a toy if I stopped

Eventually it worked

I don’t fucking know

She woke me with that god forsaken song

That I loved

I loved playing games with my grandma

Listening to her sing

I even liked praying with her and that long list she had of everyone she needed to pray for

Even people she didn’t know

She read to me

She collected wildflowers with me

She did everything really

Only people I enjoyed being with more were Brittany, Courtney and Derek

And my mom

I was at grandma’s one day

I had been told I would be allowed to go to work with mom

They changed their mind

I cried until my little nose bled

They changed their mind again

I learned the difference between 12 AM and 12 PM

Because grandma said my mom would pick me up at 12 PM and I cried

It was dark out then

That was far too late

She explained the difference between the two and I was relieved she meant the next day

My step dad taught me how to ride my bike

Before or after I scraped my knee in my flower girl’s dress while playing outside at the reception of their wedding

My mom’s and his

I bled all over that dress my grandma made me

I scraped my knees a lot though

I would fall again before they had time to heal

I remember falling on one that was scabbed over and crying and whining in Wendy’s car because it hurt so god damn badly

It was white and maybe a bit infected

Whiny girl that I was

I remember carving pumpkins one time in her trailer

Watching Resident Evil far too early

And being afraid of walking from the kitchen into the living room or from upstairs to downstairs

Because what if the zombies were real

Mom asked me why I was so scared

Eventually

I told her about the movie

She yelled at my aunt

And suddenly my weekends at Wendys involved no more scary movies

Brittany Courtney and Derek watched the Chainsaw Massacre while I was put into a separate room

Tragic

Sometime when Wendy was in her house

Brittany and I were upstairs and it was near Halloween

We howled out the window and tried to sound like witches

We thought we were funny

I remember my babysitter teaching me what French kissing was

Tracing patterns on my back and Chelsea’s

Asking us to guess what she was drawing

Then us two

Chelsea and I

Playing “husband and wife” for too long

Hiding under the covers

Tracing images on each other’s backs

Until one night it felt very wrong

It just sort of hit me one day

I was maybe 8?

Maybe 7?

Far too young to really know what it was we were doing

I felt guilty about it well into my late teens

I remember an older next door neighbor told me how babies were made

Sex

It was apparently when a penis goes into a vagina

I thought it was disgusting

I told my cousin anyways

I was curious about bodies

Enough to look for far too long

But not enough to want to touch

I was 10

Maybe 11

Maybe 9

Too long ago to know

Definitely before 12

12 was 7th grade

Dad was bankrupt

It was definitely before 12

My dad and step mom were drinking with our teenage cousins while we were far too curious

I remember my 16 year old cousin on the floor of the bathroom, puking her brains out

She had practically just became a mom

My step-dad’s dad was a registered sex offender

I don’t know when I found that out

His mom died of suicide

So did his brother

I don’t know when I truly understood what that was

We went to his dad’s house

Everyone denied anything had happened

But there was caution anyways

Someone made a DCFS report against our family

For putting my sister in danger

They thought my infant sister had been molested

I was probably 10

Maybe 11

Maybe 12

Idk it sucked

It sucked worse than babysitting

Changing her diapers

Teaching her how to crawl up the stairs

Letting her hold onto a finger to practice walking

Falling asleep while watching golf

Waking up to my head resting on her sweaty head

Just thankful I hadn’t dropped her

It even sucked worse than the time she hurt her lip

When she fell on the corner of the piano

And my step dad yelled at me

Accused me of pushing her

Drove her to my uncle’s house instead of the hospital

While her lip continued to bleed on her little face

Could we not afford the hospital?

Or another DCFS report?

I don’t know

I remember we qualified for WIC

And my mom left the program she still qualified for because she wanted to tithe and she felt guilty for tithing while on the WIC program

She thought it was like stealing

Can’t please god and society at the same time

And take care of yourself

That’s physically impossible

Better to accumulate thousands in credit card debt I guess

I remember making up games with Brittany Courtney and Derek

Safer games

Cleaner games in their messier house

I liked it there

Though the odds were literally stacked against that

Nothing was simple

But at least the games we played were

I remember watching Disney movies on a small box tv in my mom’s room with my baby sister

Over and over again

Trying not to fall asleep

When my sister grew older she liked Spongebob

We searched up episodes online

I wasn’t a big fan, but it was better than watching the same VHS movies over and over again

Better than diaper changes for sure as well

I remember she was held back in preschool, she had eczema, she struggled to read, she was my favorite

She kept me going

Even when I really didn’t feel like it

Memories accumulate

They get worse

The alcohol was preferrable

Until it wasn’t

I woke up half way outside a tent covered in my vomit at age 17

And sometimes I think it would have been better to leave it at that

Whoever grabbed me in that bathroom

I hope that kick hurt like a motherfucking bitch

I doubt it

But a girl can dream

Rooms where men grab women that will make them think they will be raped

A bathroom

Already had RAPE nightmares (plural) dear sir

I think the fact we kept the game a secret was an indicator we knew something wasn’t right, but also by the time we could figure out how messed up it truly was it had been a secret for too long to bother mentioning it. It was too embarrassing to bring up again. Plus, it was enough to make someone’s skin crawl to think about what happened or how much worse it could have been. We were about 6 or 7 when our games began, and not much older when they stopped. Thank God they stopped.

I still have three parents alive who do not know of our story. Two of them are step parents, though I’m not sure my step mom is truly still my step mom since my dad died two years ago. I’m not sure how the technicalities work on that one.

My step parents were amazing. My step dad reminded me of a goofy older brother figure and my step mom, while sometimes critical, really stepped up to the plate to be another parental figure to me. My step dad taught me how to ride a bike. My step mom taught me the importance of writing thank you cards. They both helped me grow.

The story of my mom and step dad was sweet, strange, and romantic. My mom was a single mother trying to make ends meet without the help of child support and my step dad was a fellow CNA at the place where he worked. He also had experience working on airplanes and was a member of the army. While I do not condone the actions of our military overseas and the wars our politicians sign up their civilians for, I will say, there was a lot of sacrifice involved in serving the country.

While my step dad was away in Afghanistan, or perhaps it was Iraq, my mom worked multiple jobs to keep up with bills. She also took me along with her to deliver phone books, the Yellow Pages, so we could afford to send my step dad care packages. Now, these care packages were sometimes genuinely thoughtful and oftentimes filled with pranks.

One time my mom sent exploding tea bags and quickly had to send the message they should not be used when she discovered my step dad’s unit was on a water ration. Another time she sent his buddies a fake plastic snake to put near his bed. After he got over the scare he continued to use the plastic snake to frighten his other friends. 

     “Too late,” replied Des.

     “Damn it,” Ella looked at the empty table behind her and leaned over, placing the cigarettes there. “Alright, they’re gone, moving on.”

    “This is the reason you’re single,” said Des.

    “Yeah, and what’s your excuse?” asked Ella.

    “Who said I was single?”

     There was a short pause before Delilah laughed. She looked at her phone, smiling. 

      “What’s got you laughing?” asked Ella, peeking over Delilah’s shoulder.

    “It’s just Louis,” she said.

    “You aren’t going to ditch us for your boyfriend, right?” asked Ella.

     “Nah, he’ll probably join us later,” she replied.

     It was quiet for a few seconds. “This is boring, should we go somewhere else?” asked Ella.

     “You need to chill, girl.” said Des. She looked around briefly until she saw him. “Why don’t you talk to that guy over there?”

      “Why don’t you?” asked Delilah.

     “Because I have a boyfriend,” replied Des.

     “No you don’t,” said Delilah.

     “Ha! Who’s the liar now!” said Ella.

     “I think he’s looking at you now, Des,” said Delilah. Des drank from two glasses of beer, pulling each of them to her lips at the same time before she started to giggle. It was difficult to not look at her.

     “Stop staring, Des! This guy’s gonna think you’re weird,” said Ella. “Well, he’ll think you’re weird because you are weird. So, I guess it’s whatever.”

    “Now he’s looking at you,” said Delilah. “Try lowering your voice a little, why do you always have to be so loud?”

     “Sorry,” said Ella. “Des, mom says you need a boyfriend. She thinks you’re too pretty to be single.”

     “I’ll find a boyfriend if you walk up to that stranger and hand him your cigarettes,” said Des.

    “Okay, but why?”

     “You said that’s what you were going to do, right? Pass them off to a stranger? What, are you scared now?” asked Delilah. 

      “No, of course not. I just don’t want to look weird,” said Ella. “And why don’t you talk to him? You’re the one who needs a boyfriend.”

     “I don’t need a boyfriend,” Des paused for a second, thinking. “And I’ll go talk to him if you hand him your cigarettes.”

     “So what you’re saying is that neither of us will talk to him?”

      “I won’t if you don’t,” said Des.

     Delilah sighed and said, “guys, he’s already gone.”

     The rest of their night passed much the same. They exchanged banter and said their goodbyes and before they knew it it was one o’clock.

     “Shit,” said Ella. “I didn’t realize it was so late.”

     “What? Is it past your bedtime?” Des questioned.

     “No…. it’s past my curfew,” replied Ella.

     Des and Delilah started to laugh.

     “It’s not funny,” said Ella. “You know how my parents are.”

    “It’s a little funny,” said Delilah. 

    Ella glared at her.

     “Right, well this was a lovely goodbye and all, but I have to go,” said Ella

     “We’ll miss you,” spoke Delilah sincerely.

     “And I’ll miss you too. It’s only a month though. I can’t believe you guys didn’t apply. I mean, a 10,000 dollar scholarship. That’s crazy,” said Ella.

     “Yeah, but you have no clue what you’re getting yourself into. Did they even tell you what you would have to do?” asked Des.

     “I mean it was vague. There’s some MRI’s involved and cognitive testing, but I think it’s all pretty straight forward,” said Ella. “And like you said it is past my bedtime. I have a long day tomorrow. I love you guys, bye.”

    “Gross,” said Des.

    “We love you too, but no hugs. Seriously,” said Delilah.

     And that was how Ella’s night ended. If you don’t include her long drive home towards the countryside. She got home and into bed as quietly as she could and when she woke up it was already one o’clock. 

     “Shit,” she muttered when she saw the time. And she quickly got to work on her mother’s birthday card. An hour later her father came into her room and he stood just a little to close while he looked over her shoulders. The sound of his breathing irritated her.

 “I’ll only be gone ten weeks, dad. Can you give me some space? I’m trying to make mom’s birthday card,” Ella said.

  Scattered in front of her was an array of papers of varying shapes, textures and colors alongside a sharp knife and ruler that Ella used to cut the paper into various designs. Various scraps were skewed out in front of he and there was no card to be seen except the multiple ones that lied in the trash beside Ella’s feet.

“What do you need a knife for to make a birthday card, huh? I don’t think you’re ready for this research project. Ten weeks alone? You’ve been in and out of a hospital all year! And now you’re playing with that damned knife…” said her dad.

“Making a birthday card!” Ella insisted.

“Look at this mess! You can’t even keep your room in order. Haven’t you even considered just spending one summer like a kid your age. You haven’t ever had a boyfriend and at this rate you’ll die alone surrounded by cats,” he said.

“Talk like that is how I ended up in a mental ward,” Ella muttered.

“God damnit Ella, you need to grow up! I can’t trust you alone after what you did,” he said.

“It was a panic attack.”

“What is wrong with you!” He yelled.

“This! This is what’s wrong with me! I can’t even make a damned birthday card for mom without you screaming in my face! Don’t pretend you didn’t do the same years before this shit…”

“Don’t you dare talk to me like that. I’m your father,” he said.

“Hardly,” Ella muttered.

“That’s it I can’t take it anymore! Just leave!”

“I plan on it! In five hours! That’s why I’m making this stupid card a month early! I have to be in isolation with a bunch of strangers for ten weeks! Can’t you just make this one day pleasant, please. I’m trying to do better. I swear.”

“Fine! Then don’t come downstairs until you have to leave. And give me that damned knife,” he said.

Ella looked down at the paper edges that I was nearly finished cutting into daisies.

“Can I just finish this…”

“Now!” he yelled.

Ella gently handed the knife over to him. Her hand around the handle and the blade pointing gently downwards as he lightly grabbed it from her hands. Ella looked at the clock over his shoulder, two lines which pointed towards missing numbers. Their placement told her it was anywhere between two thirty and two forty-five.

“Dad, I lost track of time. I need to pack and be out the door in an hour,” She lied.

“This right here is the shit I’m talking about. How do you plan to spend ten weeks alone when you can’t even pack a suitcase the night before you leave?” he asked.

“It will take ten minutes tops. I only need a few outfits and what not,” Ella replied.

“Fine. But if you’re not packed and downstairs in thirty minutes then you’re not leaving for the summer.”

  His face which had simmered red had finally begun to pale. Ella instantly regretted her lie. She just wanted to leave whenever he started to yell. She hadn’t even considered he would cut her hour in half. When he shut the door behind him she started to panic. She looked at the cards in the trash can and pulled out the one she thought was the least atrocious of the three.

  ‘Well I guess this is it,’ she thought. With a tiny stick of glue she pasted a daisy to the inside of the card and quickly jotted down an old poem she remembered her mom reading to her as a kid.

‘I see winter frost that clings to early springtime

The trees that burst into life and shortly die

The cherry blossom rising in the sunlight

Before it shivers and falls at night

Until the day life grips the branches tight

To bring a universal sign of warmth

Which promises to give us light

As the Earth releases her first breathe of the season

  -Love you mom, see ya soon

Now summer has arrived

And it’s time to say goodbye

I’ll see you all tomorrow

Though tomorrow is months away

A final word before this goodbye

I’ll love you all ‘till the day I die

(even dad, though he makes me so angry, with love)

Ella looked up at the undefined clock on her wall. It was either time to be downstairs or she had five minutes. She quickly ran to her closet and grabbed the first few shirts she saw before opening her dresser. By the time she ran downstairs she realized she forgot her mom’s birthday card on the counter.

“One minute!” She said.

She ran upstairs and snatched the card from her desk before she ran down again.

“I must be… really out of shape,” she said while she waited for her breathes to slow down. “What’s this?”

On the countertop was a cake with one candle lit on top of it, surrounded by gifts.

“It’s our birthday party,” her mom said.

“Ours?”

“Well you’ll be gone for ten weeks, right?” she asked.

“Yeah, but my birthday isn’t until September. It can wait,” said Ella. “Your birthday is first so I made you a card. It’s not very pretty so just read, don’t look.”

Her mom opened the card and smiled.

“It’s my favorite poem,” she said. “And what’s this?”

“I wrote another stanza, to say goodbye,” Ella said.

“That’s so sweet dear,” her mom said as she hugged Ella gently, careful not to bend the card which had previously been in the trash. “And I got you something as well.”

She reached towards the counter and picked up a small silver chain. A small silver crescent moon curved gently from the silver string. The charm was so thin that it looked like it would disappear if she turned it to the right angle. Ella loved it.

“You know how the moon pulls the tides heavier when it’s full? Well I bought you this to remind you not to be pulled under the waves. The moon’s low and there’s nothing but gentle waters ahead, okay? I want you to remember we love you. Stay safe and call us as soon as you get there. Okay?” her mom asked.

“Well hurry up. You have ten minutes and we haven’t even cut the cake,” said Ella’s dad.