#justabit

“i’m not really sure edward,” you answered, “but seungmin owes me ten dollars.” 

 I forgive myself.  Those are the hardest words to say. I promised Tyr that I would try but they are difficult. I spoke them before I went to sleep and spoke them when I woke up. I spoke them when I felt like crying and spoke them when I wanted to give up. I must have said them a dozen times during the day and it never got any easier.  Leera and Lloire are two people who couldn’t be more different. Frankly I can think of no two people more likely to want to kill each other. Yet they’re also so absurdly alike. That is what I saw in both of them. Beneath their armor, beneath their power, beneath their self-hatred disguised as anger. They have good hearts and kindness. Both so desperately want to be able to heal. I can only imagine that one would be insulted by a comparison to the other but I see goodness in them both. It hurts. To not see either of them. To be afraid to see either of them. For such different reasons and yet at the heart it is the same. I blame myself. I am certain if I told anyone they would give me the same speech. Tell me how good and wonderful I am. How other people are the mistake. How other people are wrong. I am certain if I told Soren what happened he’d punch Lloire in the face. I certainly know when I told Oni of Leera he seemed to have expected it. Nobody expected anything else of Leera. Nate calls him Bad Water, Aimee seems torn between caring for him and fearing him. The blame is, of course, upon them. I am faultless or close enough. I forgive myself. It hurts to have such expectations put upon me. To expect to be comforted with the idea that I am too good, too right, too worthy. I wonder if anyone realizes how much more painful that makes the mistakes, the failure, the loss. I spoke to Lloire of how he puts Elia on a pedestal and he does. Yet I speak from a place of my own heart. I remember Oni’s hands on mine, speaking so kindly of my unstained hands in comparison to his own. Of Nate’s unflinching surety in my foolishness. Of Soren’s kind words and warmth. Hana’s belief in my ability to be selfless. I am no goddess, no flawless being of kindness. I am a normal girl. I am selfish, I am angry, I have wants and desires, I can be greedy and frightened and weak. I forgive myself. ... I fear that I have made the same mistakes with others. Have put them on the same pedestal that they put others on. That I asked too much of them and was hurt too badly when the could not live up to my absurd expectations. In my own defense I can only say that I do believe what I say. I do believe what I see. In everyone and in them most of all. Perhaps because they believe in themselves so little that it makes me want to draw out, to give them what I see inside of them, to bring out happiness. Am I inflicting the same hurt, the same expectations, the same impossible standard to them? To expect them to do things it took everything I had to do myself? I forgive myself. I miss my friends. Not the fanciful people who I see only at their best. I miss my friends even at their worse. I miss the Lloire who was so sad and lonely as much as I miss the cheerful energetic Lloire who sat up researching magic with me. I miss the cruel and selfish Leera as much as I miss the kind man who offered me a hand when I was hurting. I miss being able to see them and talk to them. I hate myself for expecting so much that I couldn’t give them what they needed.  I forgive myself.  Do I? I don’t know. If I forgave myself maybe I would be able to talk to Lloire. Maybe I would be able to focus on Leera instead of viewing it as a failure. I desperately want to do both and yet I am too weak to. I raise my finger to my linkpearl and my stomach twists in cowardice and fear. I remember how painful it was and I start to shake. I forgive myself. I miss my friends.

Y'all, I'm wearing red lipstick. I never wear red lips but I needed some oomph today. Red helps with that right? Be honest, do I look ridiculous? #selfconcious #justabit #makeup #choices

Trading card collaboration with Robert Hugh Hunt

Another piece of the current wip. . . . . . #artworkinprogress #expressyourself #artist #justabit #artlovers #cindygardducheneart https://www.instagram.com/p/CMfSXi9Ftit/?igshid=1h8o55h3d6qxv

Milk Dilution // #🐄 . . . #justabit #mostimportantmealoftheday #breakfastforchampions #goodfood #teatime #wakemeup #orangejuice #butterandjelly #first_cup #instamornings (at Country Inn) https://www.instagram.com/p/B4NrMmCBdLR/?igshid=1a2860fnciiz9