#jumbotron

Okay, Dave, we need to talk. I didn’t say anything on the way back from the stadium, because I was collecting my thoughts. But now, I think it’s time we clear the air. Look, you know I’ve always loved and supported you. I believe you are, at heart, sweet, romantic, intelligent, capable, and wise. But something happens when the eyes of an entire stadium are on you, and it makes me wonder whether I even know you. Dave, I don’t like the person you become when you’re on the Jumbotron.

The Dave I know is polite, modest, and content. Jumbotron Dave is crass and loud. The Dave I know has a sweet, gentle smile. Jumbotron Dave has a tongue that waggles and undulates lasciviously. Accompanied by your red cheeks, your bulging eyes, and that “metal” gesture you do with your hands—it’s horrifying. What comes over you, Dave?