its been 2 weeks since gunner ended things with me. 2 weeks of hell. 2 weeks of misery. 2 weeks of not getting out of bed.

i truly loved him - well, love. i can't say i don't anymore, because that would be a lie.

i just don't understand what i did wrong. why did we have to breakup? things were going so good.

he dropped the bomb randomly. we'd been hanging out for a few hours - nothing serious, just at his house. although, looking back, he did seem a bit colder. somewhat distanced, distracted almost. not laughing at my jokes in the usual way he would.

he let it slip mid conversation. said he thinks we should end things. he told me it was 'for the better', but better for who? not me, that's for sure.

i asked him why, over and over. i got the same response - "it's for the better, y/n" or "it's not you, it's me". it's always that one, isn't it? "it's not you, it's me". so why not let me help you? he knew how much i'd put into the relationship - how much i care about him, how much i love him, how dedicated i was to us. but that didn't seem to matter much. he only showed the smallest bit of remorse once i was sobbing - which wasn't cute at all - and started to beg him to stay.

each plea received the same answer. something along the lines of "i can't, y/n, don't make this harder than it has to be". right. because i'm the one who's inconveniencing him.

i've felt nothing short of despair every day since.

his name sits at the top of my search bar. it's almost stuck there, and i can't do anything but look him up.

i always tell myself "this is the last time i'm checking his page". big lie.

i just can't help but check his social media - his twitter, his instagram, and his private instagram account i'm pretty sure he forgot to unfollow me on.

he seems happy. he's posted a lot since then, on his private instagram. he's been out and about, doing things, having fun. complete opposite of me. he removed all pictures i was in on his account. he kept up the post, just removed the picture of me. which, in a way, hurts even more than if he was to delete the post entirely.

i go to my instagram page now. i wonder, does he ever stalk mine like i do to his? i force myself not to answer this. i don't want to dwell on false hope nor face what could very well be reality.

my instagram page looks normal. i haven't posted anything since we broke up. no stories, no posts - nothing. i still have our pictures posted. i've been so invested with him, i didn't even realize our posts were still up.

i scroll through them. so many either have him in it, or are ones that he took of me. the memories flood my mind. i can't take this. but i also can't find it in myself to stop looking.

i archive all of my posts. not delete - that's too permanent. just archive. i even archive the few posts that don't have any connection to him; he's not in them nor did he take them. but i was still with him then, still happy. that doesn't reflect me now.

i change my profile photo too. it was a picture of us, together, carefree. now, it's a black circle.

i remove him from my bio.

i've done all this stuff to 'erase' him from my online life, but i still can't get him out of my head. no matter how hard i try, he's still on my mind, invading every ongoing thought.

i miss us. but there's no more us, as much as i'd like to reassure myself. i've come to the realization that maybe us was gone long before he ended things.

his instagram - which yes, i have gone back to - has numerous pictures of him with his friends. but there's a post from 14 minutes ago, one i haven't seen yet. there's only 5 pictures in it, but the last slide is making me sick.

it's him. gunner. my gunner - or what used to be mine. he's posed up with a girl. arm around her shoulders. standing close to each other. wide smiles on both of their faces. she doesn't look familiar. she's pretty, though, i can't even lie. they look happy.

he and i used to be happy once. looking at this picture reminds me of one of us, taken a few months after we began dating. both grinning, glowing, untroubled. god, the things i would do to go back in time. get everything right. cause him no issues. anything to change how we are now; apart, with the emptiness eating me alive.

i feel ill looking at this picture. my stomach turns the longer i look at it. but i can't look away.

it's been another few days, 4 or 5 maybe? they all blend into each other anyway.

i find myself going back to that post, the one of him with another girl. i've done this several times a day.

did i mention i had started a new album before we broke up? i only wrote two songs, but the overarching idea of this one was about love. something that has now been ripped out of my hands. i can't continue with that concept, not until i've healed at least.

the album has been a dud since. i haven't even thought about it. until yesterday. i remembered that i started it. which gave me the idea to write a new song. something different. contrasting to anything i've ever put out before.

all of my songs are happy ones. none are sad. most are love songs, written about and for gunner.

it began with a bit of over-analyzation of my current situation. how i've been stuck in bed. how i've been doing nothing but looking through his instagram and old pictures of us. how i'd do anything to have him in my presence once more, within arms reach.

i turned this into lyrics. not quite a song yet - there's no beat, hardly a melody.

i recorded a demo of it. small. not much. about a minute or so. but it holds a lot of meaning to me. i've taken my passion towards gunner and twisted it into musical form.

i post a scrappy voice memo recording of it onto my instagram. it's raw, but it's real. i just hope i'll find it in myself to eventually move on.

"i want your things in my room, i miss you all of the time

i stalk myself on the internet just to see what you'll find

i want your things in my room, i miss you all of the time

you make it look so easy, leaving everything behind

i like when it's dark out, october will cure me

i'm walking these woods, am i thirty or thirteen?

not asking for much, man, thought maybe you'd call me

i'd slit my own throat just to see if you'd mourn me, yeah."

a/n : wow i lowkey think i cooked :O i never thought writing angst would be this easy for me LMFAO!! lmk what u guys think!!! should i do more angst??? (send reqs if u think yes!! 👀) but annnnyywayyyyy feel free to send me reqs, comments, suggestions, questions, or ANYTHING thru my inbox!! likes/reblogs are GREATLY appreciated!!!! i love u guys the most <2