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you knew that something was different with you, ever since you were a little girl. the inability to contain your love for your girl friends, always being awkward around boys in ways other girls weren't, or your disinterest about boys in general. all these things pointed to something, yes. but you refused to see the truth, choosing to look the other way everytime you had such thoughts about girls. they were wrong and you knew it.

so you kept on going, fooling yourself. thinking that it would make a difference if you went out with this other boy or let another one kiss you as your mind drifted off elsewhere.

that was how you had found yourself in another “date" tonight, with jake from your class. a date that had led you to cursing yourself all the way home and crying in your room by the end of the night.

you couldn't talk to your mother about it. yes, even "i would do anything for my kids” joyce byers had a limit to things she could and could not know, or understand. you couldn't talk to jonathan or will about it either. even though your brothers were supportive, they couldn't exactly be helpful in things that confused you in the first place. and nancy… well you couldn't talk especially to nancy. the same nancy wheeler that creates this havoc in your mind in the first place.

so you got the date, you hanged out with jake after school, met him under the bleachers and listened to him ramble about things that didn’t require or catch your attention. and after a point he leaned in, with his weird smelling deodorant and sweat, hanging off of his shirt. you didn't flinch but you didn't exactly enjoy it either. the sandy feeling of his lips against your mouth, insistent, forceful… you tried to think of other things, to calm yourself down. first thing that pops in your mind. nancy’s lips. nancy's lips? yeah. nancy had nice lips. and you knew she wouldn't push you like jake is right now. not try to grab the hem of your shirt or grope your breasts. she'd be gentle, careful. her slender fingers would be soft against your skin. and her lips, oh her lips.

jake was still kissing, pushing himself up. it was making you dizzy in the worst way possible and you wanted to spit out the taste of his tongue out of your memory. he didn’t seem to stop or slow down and you wanted off, you needed him off. his hands on your breasts start to trail lower and you can feel his tongue trying to force itself into your mouth again, for the millionth time and you can’t breathe. you can’t find a place to put your hands or rest your mind against.

so you push him off, sudden, intentional. you wipe your mouth, begging whatever lord is out there for the taste of his spit to stop lingering. you don’t even look at him, even his ragged, angry breathing is enough for you to grow an urge to puke.

but he isn’t the only angry one here, no. you are angry too. at yourself, yeah maybe. but at him, definitely. you can’t exactly locate why but your blood boils at the feeling of his hands against your body. and he speaks, uncalled for. his voice laced with rage, “i know what you are.” that’s all he says. five spiteful words directed at you and you can’t bring yourself to slap him or tell him that he’s lying. you try to keep your own anger on the surface but it dissipates slowly, leaving place reserved for shame.

“well maybe you’re just a shitty kisser jake.” you say and before you can turn around and leave you see his hand lift up in the air. everything goes blurry, lowering of an arm, the loud smack landing, your burning cheek, tearful eyes. your hand lifts up on its own to cover your face, the burning, low aching of your heart. you want to be mad at him, want to burn him alive and bury him at this exact spot. but he doesn’t shut the fuck up. “i know what you are.” he repeats himself, you want to laugh.

“a fucking dyke- fuck i tried to give you a chance [name]. but you are insufferable.” he throws his hands up in the air and you want to break them both. you look at him, through teary eyes. there is nothing left to say, not to him. all you do is pick up your bag, spit on his ugly face and turn around to leave.

you curse yourself all the way home. why did you come here? why did you let him use you like that? why did you not kick him in the teeth? why did you- why why why? but none of it mattered at the end. this wasn’t jake’s first time being like this. and he reminded you too much of a certain father of yours anyway (if you could call lonnie byers a father), you shouldn’t have trusted him.

none of it mattered cause it was your fault. at the end of the day, you were the one getting called a dyke, the one getting slapped, the one not speaking up. it didn’t matter because no one would understand.

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joyce has been standing in your hallway for 10 minutes now, begging for you to open the door. she has never seen you like this, this hurt. jonathan and will aren’t home yet so she just wants to talk before they arrive, mother and daughter.

you open the door, hesitant. she looks at you with a sad smile perching on her lips. you let your mother in and both of you sit down on your bed. the floral bed sheets cranking underneath as dim light shimmers from the bed bunk. joyce makes sure to keep her distance at first, let her daughter come to her but you prove to not bulge. whatever she says to urge you on, to open up you only respond with a dazed glance over the room and a sniff of your runny nose.

deep down you want her to pull you for a hug and wipe your tears. you need her holding you close but you’re too scared to admit. so you just nod your head when she asks “is this about one of the boys at school?” it isn’t fully about jake but that’s a starting point you think to yourself. “common baby, you can tell me everything. you know that right? i need you to know that.” she places a hand against your back and starts rubbing slow circles and somehow that’s all it takes.

the two of you haven’t had a conversation like this in forever and you can only feel the words coming out of your mouth now. not exact sentences, barely coherent ramblings but you manage to get it out. telling her all about jake and how he had slapped you. your mother gasps at that, a sound so loud coming out of her mouth. you look over to her, the rage glinting through the browns of her eyes but fail to notice the tears coating them. you don’t tell her what he said, how can you? adding only the part about how it wasn’t his first time treating you or another girl like this. you almost slip, almost tell her that he reminds you of a certain someone.

almost. but she doesn’t have to hear it. and you can see the expression that forms on her face, the one she has on days like her wedding anniversary. “why didn’t you tell anyone about him?” she asks without realizing how deep her words cut. like glass shreds, in your mouth, under your feet. you can’t stop the tears forming now, your throat closing on itself. you can’t blame her, not when she doesn’t know how you blame yourself for all of this. so you just wince and try to say, “how could i mom-” but joyce cuts through, her words angrier than before. “why didn’t you tell me-” you’re the one to interrupt her now, “because he’s right.”

joyce comes into a halt, her mouth forming a confused o-shape. you can see her anger slither off of her features but that doesn’t mean you’re going to soften on her now. “i’m not mad at you.” she huffs out, and shakes her head. “i’m mad at myself. and- look baby… i don’t know what has gotten into you but- nothing about what he did is right.” her words cut through you like ice now, your pounding heart in your chest. “no mom he’s right- he’s… right.” you sigh loudly. is it time? to tell her? you shake your head helplessly, tears fully gliding down your cheeks and your mother reaches out a hand to wipe them. you lean into her touch.

joyce is so confused now. “talk to me baby.” she says. you want to, you really really do. and you will try your best to explain. “the reason why-” your words parted, “why i don’t talk to you the way jonathan talks about his love interests is that i-” you sniff again, scratching your elbow nervously. “i don’t know who i am-” you look up at her eyes now. joyce is so attentive, her gaze never faltering. you try to keep going, “i mean i do but- i can never accept it and the way that boy said it i-” the words are lost on you but joyce holds your hand and nods.

you have a feeling she knows. she already knows and you don’t have to say anything. but your words flow out, carelessly out of your mouth.

“the thing is mom i really can’t stand boys. and before you say anything, no it’s not like an all boys are shitheads anyway sweetheart thing. it’s more like i like girls the way boys do- the way i shouldn’t-” you huff out a breath and bury your head in to your hands. joyce doesn’t touch you, not yet, just speaks “but honey that’s normal.” your head lifts up on its own, trying to argue but she doesn’t let you. “kiddo, listen to me now. nothing about love can be anormal, or evil. you love who you love and that’s your business only. no one can say otherwise. and if you feel like that- like you like girls, that’s fine with me.” she has tears in her eyes too. her hands hold onto your shoulders. “just know that i will always be here and will love you unconditionally…” your eyes never leave hers, a huge smile placed there, “well- maybe not when i’m old and grumpy and unable to feed you with my terrible cooking.” she is fully laughing now but all you can do is smile and jump into her arms with tears. you rest your cheek on her collarbone and close your eyes. she rocks the two of you back and forth while stroking you head. you take her scent in, letting your eyes go drowsy. “so much-” you mutter. “i love you so much mom… i love you and your terrible cooking. even when you’re old and grumpy.” you both giggle frantically and hug for a little more while.

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you and joyce are now drinking hot cocoa at the kitchen table. jonathan and will are watching some tv but you’re not interested. not when your mother is smiling at you from her seat with a hand that’s holding onto yours. the talk you had lingers in your mind, fuzzing all of your nerves, leaving a warm sensation behind.

jonathan didn’t get it. from the moment the two walked into the house, he failed to understand why you were acting so dumb-founded by everything your mother was telling you. it wasn’t like you to be this soft, gentle in general. you had an inkling will got it tho, in the way he kept smiling at you.

but it didn’t matter now. what mattered was that it was getting late, the clock nearing to your bedtime and you needed your mother close by, just for a little bit longer.

so you didn’t hold your tongue, “mom?” you looked at her. “do you remember our bedtime routine?” your voice was pleading, seeing the gleaming of joyce’s eyes. you didn’t have to spell it out. “bunny?” she asks. you blush at the name. “yeah, well i thought maybe after today you could- maybe help me go to sleep- i know i’m too old for it but-” you ramble but she silences them all with a finger on your lips. “you don’t have to ask silly. whatever you’re okay with, i would more than love to do so.” and with that she arises from her seat, leaving the empty mugs to lay there. calls out an “okay, bedtime kiddos!” and ushers your brothers to bed.

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you brush your teeth by the sink, standing next to your mother. smiling with your toothpaste filled mouth. “did you get it all clean baby?” she asks when you rinse it all up. you nod. “that’s my smart girl.” you feel better immediately.

then the two of you go to your room. joyce is already in her pj’s as she sits you on the bed. you whine a little as she hands you your own pyjamas. her head tilts with a lopsided smile. “you want me to do it for you, don’t you?” she asks and you nod, very much enthusiastically and raise your arms above your head. she chuckles and shakes her head as she helps you out of the shirt. “you get so silly sometimes, you know that right bunny?” she smooths out your undershirt before putting on your top. you giggle at her words, face heating up.

it’s to no surprise that your mother can soothe out your nerves but it takes you by a shock each time nonetheless. especially in the way she now kneels by the edge of the bed and helps you in your sleep pants. she puts through one of your feet and nudges the other “okay now the other one baby.” you lift your other leg and she has both of them in. “up up up.” she mutters, you get up, smiling. she finishes putting it on fully and sits on your bed. she pattes the spot next to her. you sit down happily, nudging yourself closer to her side.

“what do you want to do now sweetie?” she asks, tilting her head to the side. you lay your head on her lap wordlessly, nervous to look her in the eye. then you speak, “how about some bedtime stories- mixed with reassuring speech? you know the ones you give mom- the joyce byers speech- the whole you’re not alone in the world blah blah-” you gesture with your hands and she laughs loudly.

“okay first of all baby,” she pokes a finger at your head. “i don’t say blah blah…” then one at your back “and my speeches are way better than that.” and lastly your belly, causing you to start giggling. “yes mom! yes i know-” you say, out of breath through laughs. “that’s why i’m asking- please?” you look up at her with the best puppy eyes you have.

“oh how can i resist you when you look like that my tiny silly girl?” she boops the tip of your nose. you turn to face the wall once again with a huge smile, resting your hands underneath your head on joyce’s lap. she begins to tell a story, one that she had told you ever since you were a little kid. hearing the story, especially through your mother’s voice after all these years is enough to bring tears to your eyes. it was like coming home, true home, after a long day and rediscovering every tiny detail about the furniture. like finally resting after years of battle and scars endured alone. it wasn’t much, the peace and the familiarity of it all. but it brought comfort, something you’ve been reaching so far away for when it was just there. right here in the story your mother told you, with her hand tangled in your hair, her soft voice ringing in your ears.

“and after that day, the brave little girl realized that she wasn’t the only one here down on this earth, that she had her family and friends to trust.” joyce finishes the story, drawing circles on your back now. your eyes are closed but she knew you are awake still. barely hanging off of the edge of sleep. “and you know it’s true baby. you’re not alone. and i love you so much. nothing can change that.” her words glide over your body like a warm breeze, trailing up your spine and landing on the top of your head. “thank you for telling me baby. thank you for trusting me. you’re safe here, with me. and your brothers. and i will be there for you as much as i can, as much as you’ll let me.” you let her words wash over, can feel the drowsiness surrounding you, yawning out loud.

“go to sleep now pretty girl.” you hear your mother’s voice through the haze of your mind. “let sleep come to you. you’re safe. you can let go. it’s okay. i love you so much. so much.” her words are so soft and so measured that you can’t help it. just as you’re about to drift off you murmur, “i love you too mom.” you feel more than see the tear in joyce’s eyes at your words, one tear dropping down her face and onto your cheek. she kisses the exact same spot and whispers against your skin, “sleep now angel.” and you do, how could you not?

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thank you for reading! wrote this very sleep deprived so hope it's coherent enough

you blamed yourself. of course you did. you could’ve checked the road one last time before passing but you didn’t. too caught up in something she was telling you and now she was laying there, motionless. and it was all your fault. it didn’t matter that you were injured too. it didn’t matter that the car threw you off completely yet you still scrambled for help, blood gushing out of your head, your legs. because she was laying there, motionless, on the road and it was your fault.

so now you laid down on your own hospital bed, alone in a cranky room with led-lighting that made your head hurt. your parents weren’t there. not yet. obviously. you wondered when your mom would actually realize something was up when neither of you would come home tonight. you laid alone, with that exact moment replaying in your head that you couldn’t stop thinking about, crying. two steps on the street, a loud screech of breaks, headlights flashing, your heads turning and you unable to get your sister out of the way. the guilt burned, low and steady in your throat in a way you couldn’t reciprocate. it wasn’t going to leave, you were sure. not until they let you out to walk out of this room to see your sister with your own eyes. you didn’t know what happened after her surgery. why did they not tell you? why did no one ever come in? questions flooded your mind until the door to your room opened.

and through stepped your only chance, hope of getting absolved. jonathan, will and joyce byers. you tried to read all of their faces, eyes too tired to focus. jonathan’s face was out of color, that was obvious. he walked over to you first, in three long strides and hugged you from the side, quick, brief, gratifying. you tried not to wince with the ache in your shoulders. then your gaze trailed to will, his eyes were uneasy on every surface they landed on. he smiled at you sadly and you held out your hand for him to grab. he held onto it and squeezed. “get well soon [name], i’m so sorry for what happened.” his voice was shy and agonized. you returned his smile, glad that he was here too.

finally your stance landed on ms. byers. out of the trio she was the one that looked the most anxious. you noticed the slight tremble in her steps, the hitching of her breath, the hesitance of her hands when she walked over to the other side of your hospital bed and sat on the edge. you could feel how she wanted to pull you in a tight hug but was mortified by the possibility of you getting hurt further. so she took your other hand on a firm hold instead. you looked right into her eyes, seeking the comfort her presence always provided you. “we’re here now angel.” she said, her voice was so low, so quiet. bringing you such peace that you realized you haven’t slept in a very long time, was constantly worrying about your sister to give yourself the rest. “your sister is okay too. she’s going to recover.” she lowered herself and placed a tender kiss on the top of your head, inhaling in your hair. the feeling of her breath, her words, her and will’s hands holding onto you was enough for you to drift off to dreamless sleep, at last.

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when you woke up you were still laying on the bed but it was just you and ms. byers in the room now. you tried to turn your head around but ended up straining it. you quietly winced in pain. joyce sat straight from her side of the bed now. “no no. don’t- don’t move baby. you’re gonna hurt yourself.” “where is jonathan and will?” you asked, your words swirling up on each other as you were now awake and the thoughts came creeping back. “i dialed up karen, she swinged by to take them to her place. they’ll stay there because i’m staying here, with you tonight.” she finished the sentence with a boop on the top of your head.

“no.” you started your incoherent ramblings, your mind not slowing down. “no ms. byers you can’t i- i need to see my sister- i don’t deserve- you need to go. i can stay on my own i promise i just need to- just need to see my sister. it’s my fault the car hit her. it should’ve been me- i know it. if only i had jumped- no ms. byers you- you need to leave please i need to see her. i need to know or else-” you were gasping for breath at the end of each word and your tears were gliding down your face already. there was no turning back. joyce was trying to slow you down.

“ssshhhh- baby no- listen to me. no don’t- you don’t need to feel that way. she’s okay- your sister is okay.” your words mixed with each other as you didn’t seem to slow down anytime soon. there was nothing she can do other than pull you in gently. she helped you sit up straighter from where you were, your half formed sentences dangling off your lips as she positioned one of the pillows behind your back. “i need to go- no you need to- ms. byers you don’t understand my sister-” you were fully sobbing as she finally pulled you close to her chest. your arms looped on her torso despite the low aching you felt in your muscles. nothing matters. you told yourself. nothing matter till i see her and know she’s okay.

joyce’s hands swirled on your back. her voice was so soft, so warm as she whispered reassurings in your ear, rocking your body back and forth a little. you hid your head on her chest, her neck, letting your tears fall onto her shirt. “it’s okay baby. your sister is okay.” she kept on whispering, “you did nothing wrong. you’re okay. i’m not going anywhere… your sister got out of surgery and they’re taking her to another room now. she’s gonna be just fine. trust me okay? i need you to listen to me and trust me now sweet girl. can you do that for me?” your whimperings died down as she lifted your gaze up with a hand under your chin. you looked up to her, eyes swollen red, tears coating your cheeks, puffy lips that let out your still ragged breathing. “can you be a smart girl for me and know that i’m telling you the truth?” she poked, “hmm?” her hand caressed your cheek now, wiping away your spilled tears. you nodded stiffly, sniffing through your nose.

“good girl.” she praised you once again. “you’ll see your sister in the morning i promise but you need to endure me all night. how does that sound?” you chuckled. enduring her? you would gladly live with her if she asked. but that wasn’t the deal now was it? so you nodded, complying. with that she reached out over to the chair next to the bed too enthusiastically, for her bag. she pulled it on top of her lap and pulled out a book alongside something she quickly hid behind herself.

“okay. so before that big brain of yours-” she teased with an index pointing towards your temple, a quiet giggle leaving her lips, “that big brain of yours, that somehow fits your tiny scalp, starts heating up on itself agaiiinnnn…. i have a friend here with us…” she smirked fully now, hinting to the item she held behind herself. you looked at her impatiently until she brought forward a toy. not just any toy, “lola?!” you let out, not able to hide your eagerness. it was your deer plushie that you slept with each night. you couldn’t seem to find it for a week or so now. “jonathan gave it to me… thinking you forgot it the last time you came over for a sleepover. remember silly?” she asked, fully messing with you now. you quickly grabbed the brown toy and hugged it tight to your chest, looking at her expectantly. she held out the book on her lap now. you barely concealed your excited squeal. it was a copy of bambi, your favorite fantasy story, like ever.

“i know you have a thing for deers silly girl. i figured that out after you showed me that picture you took of a mother-kiddo duo of two deers. so i brought one of will’s old story books with me. he liked this story exceptionally also.” she kept going. and her voice was so smooth, so loving. it put you in a velvety, warm ease of mind, letting you drift off in the story that she read just like a real storyteller. she voiced every character, making comical noises that left you in fits of laughter.

“bambi is a tiny, little deer.” she began, “she lives in the forest of hawkins with her mother.” the words rolled off of her tongue with ease, like she owned the story. in no time your lids were threatening to close up on themselves once again, way early in the story. “bambi is scared, ‘mother!’ she says. she sees a biiiig stag. he is the great prince of the forest.” you heard joyce read to you, her voice drifting off already. “bambi’s mother finds her. ‘the great prince of the forest is your father.’ she tells her. and suddenly bambi is not scared at all anymore, happy to find her father instead.” joyce turned to you, her hand stroking your hair slowly and she noticed your eyes almost closing. “awww… is the sweet girl sleepy already?” she asked, closing off the book and pulling up the covers on top of you further as you laid with your toy held close to your chest.

“we can finish later okay baby? now i need you to sleep well. so that you can store allll the energy you need to visit your sister tomorrow morning.” she smiled, planting a kiss on your cheek, then to your hair and finally one to your nose. you giggled softly, eyes closing already. “thank you ms. byers. i love you so much.” you mumbled, thoughts fuzzy that you didn’t know what you were saying. she tried to lift off from the bed to let you rest but one of your hands held onto her thigh, her hand. “okay angel. i’m not going anywhere. i’m here.” she whispered, tugging you in further as she found a comfortable position on the bed. sitting with her back to the wall so she could keep on combing through your soft hair. “and i love you too.” was the last thing you heard when sleep took you away, showing you dreams with your sister and jonathan. playing, laughing with ms. byers watching you close by. and you felt safe, finally.

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@theupsidedownsprincess really hope you will be okay // dividers by @diviniyae // @pixopix

click for my masterlist

he called out your name as you walked back into class after a quick visit to the bathroom. “hey! what’s wrong? you seem kinda- off?”

you huffed out a breath. that was a word to describe it, off. last week over your house hasn’t been that easy. your parents fought, like constantly, there was barely any fresh food in the fridge **and to top it off your little sister was just beginning elementary school, causing her to be so anxious and dependent on you. you were lucky today at least. your sister was gonna be picked up by one of her friend’s parents after school. so you didn’t have to go home immediately, you had time for yourself. but it felt off. like you didn’t deserve that alone time. didn’t deserve to give yourself a break during a time when your father was absent, whose presence never really contributed much, your mother was drinking again, you thought she quit two months ago, and you were all your sister had in a house that was so lonely.

you gave jonathan a shrug with a tight smile. “stuff’s confusing at home- i guess?” you tried to laugh it off but he could always tell when stuff were wrong with you. the two of you had grown close over your shared love for photography and the clash. you seemed to be the only girl that didn’t treat him like a freak, he seemed to be the only boy that didn’t push when you said you weren’t into him, the only boy that understood when you said you liked other girls, and didn’t judge. and it was always fun to hang out with him, listen to music till your ears hurt, go out into the woods in hopes to snap shots of deers you spotted or just sit in silence as you shared one of the cigarettes he stole from his mom’s pocket. you knew he was different, different like you in a way, like he liked boys as a boy, but you never mustered the courage to poke him about it.

he gave you a shrug in return, his mouth shaped in an understanding smile and the two of you went back into the classroom as the bell rang. the last period didn’t seem to end, minutes stretching out when suddenly jonathan passed you a note from the seat next to yours. you looked at him in confusion only to see his teeth glinting in a giddy smile plastered on his face.

wanna eat dinner at our house after school? mom’s not taking the shift tonight, she might cook some stuff up :)

oh. you thought. dinner at jonathan’s sounded great. he knew you weren’t eating properly and it was very sweet. but there was a problem. jonathan’s mom. joyce byers.

no no. it wasn’t like you didn’t enjoy her company, it was that you enjoyed it a little too much. when she would prod you with questions about your life and family, about school. when she would pack you food alongside jonathan’s lunch because she knew you would barely bring anything. when she would invite you in whenever you came to pick jonathan up. when she would tell you stories about work because you could listen to her forever. that last christmas when she got you a gift too, the latest fleetwood mac cassette. when she knew what you liked, how you liked your food heated, what films you watched. when she hugged you or dropped a farewell kiss on your cheek alongside her two sons. when she asked if you wanted a ride to school. when she hanged your photo with jonathan and will on her fridge, colorful magnets scattered around.

everything she did towards you were so caring, so maternal, something you were not used to receive. your feelings on the other hand, dangled on something not so domestic. tethering on the edge of being platonic because you simply couldn’t live with yourself if you grew a full blown crush on joyce byers.

but the reminder of her presence in your head, the lingering taste of her meals, the warmth of her embrace hindered you from refusing. what could go wrong? you gave jonathan the thumbs up with a warm smile. maybe you could stop thinking about the guilt after all.

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you biked over to the byers house with jonathan, leaning your bikes against the porch and jonathan let the two of you in. you heard ms. byers speaking on the phone with the chief.

“i’m telling you hop, you gotta give the girl some space first. let her come and talk to you."

she saw the two of you standing in the hallway and her face immediately lit up. you could feel your stomach doing somersaults at the way she scrunched her face with a tiny smile. "gotta go now jim, the kids are here. i’ll call you back.”

you stopped paying attention at the kids are here. will wasn't home, he had told you he was gonna play d&d at the wheeler’s after school. she was referring to jonathan and you. suddenly everything that happened today pieced themselves together. suddenly you wanted to cry. jonathan writing “dinner at our house tonight" on the note he passed you, will telling you that he wasn't gonna come home early when he couldn't find his older brother, ms. byers calling you one of her kids. you didn't want to ponder too much on it but it was impossible not to. the way she was gazing over at you didn't help at all either. her eyes growing soft, standing up by the table to walk over to the two of you. she pulled jonathan into a tight hug to which he left out an annoyed squeak.

“mom!!" as he tried to squeeze out of her tight hold. “okay okay." joyce giggled. “then i will give [name] a hug. how about that?" she turned to you with her open arms and warm, huge brown eyes. you got shy instantly, drawing your thighs together from where you stood, your hands finding each other on your front, giving ms. byers your best sad, cute smile. " oh come here sweet girl.” she said, her arms flung open and around you, pulling you in. you held onto her flannel, letting her woody scent comfort you. she knew. and you knew that she knew in the way her hands soothed over your hair and she refused to let you go for a while.

jonathan was hanging your coats in the rack, coming back to stand next to you, now free from joyce’s hold. “so what's for dinner?" he asked his mother. then he adds, pointing a comedic finger towards you “i have an inkling this one right here might have not eaten well this whole week at her place." joyce gave you a stern look at that but it quickly morphed into a soft one when she saw your eyes gazing over the floor.

“hmmmm… how abouuut some mac n cheese?” she beamed "and i can heat up some meatballs that i had in the freezer!” jonathan nods enthusiastically and runs over to his room to get changed. "i’m guessing you wouldn't want any more takeout?” her voice was soft now, gentle in the way she spoke to you. her head lowered and she tried to catch your eyes. you nodded as an answer to her question, still not feeling very well. because why was she doing this for you? she didn't owe you anything, you didn't have anything to offer to her. you didn't deserve the care. "look at me sweetie.” she whispers without moving. "is that okay? would you like to eat now?” you started into her eyes in disbelief.

"yes.” you croaked out. "but why are you doing this?” you asked. "doing what?” you wanted to answer her but your throat was dry, eyes were getting better by the second. she noticed, of course she did. "oh-” she whispered "oh my sweet girl.” and this time you walked over to her, letting her arms wrap around your form, afraid of crying. "how about i make your favorite tomato salad and we talk a little after dinner?” you nodded in her embrace. she pulled you back a little and you stared up at her through your half open lids. “plus we would get real good protein and vitamins in our tummy this way. huh?” she said chuckling, tickling your belly with a single finger. you giggled, face heating up in shyness.

if you were being honest, you absolutely loved it when she treated you like a kid smaller than your actual age. jonathan wouldn't agree with you on this but the way ms. byers occasionally let you in as a caregiver was something you couldn't refuse, something you wanted more of. and she knew you liked it in the way you didn't protest like jonathan or will did when she tried to do the same with them. but your affection for her complicated everything.

“what do you say sweetie? you're gonna be the sweet, clever girl that you are and eat up your veggies?” her voice grew even more gentle, her finger booping your nose at the end of each sentence. you smiled up at her now, a bright, full of teeth smile.

“there you go baby. now go wash your hands and grab something comfy from my wardrobe as i make dinner for the three of us. okay?” you nodded sweetly again and rushed behind jonathan to the hall.

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you now sat on one of the stools in the byers house, wearing one of ms. byers’ flannels that fit too loose on you. she kept teasing you about it saying stuff like “aww is the little girl not big enough for grown up clothes??” which led jonathan to blush heavily, casting you uncomfortable looks. he tried to keep his mother from saying stuff like that with “momm stop it!” but you were enjoying her words very much.

you ate in front of jonathan as she sat in between the two of you. she had made some quick tomato sauce to go with the meatballs, the salad she promised and mac and cheese, which was practically her area of expertise by now. she made it everytime you came over with jonathan. and you were eating so quickly, not wanting the food to grow cold. just when you were about to finish the remaining of your food your fork slipped with your hurry and the pasta smeared onto your face and her flannel. shit. you scrambled in worry. your mother always got so mad when you made a mess of your clothes with your clumsiness. you tried to wipe it off quickly, hands trembling slightly until you heard both jonathan and ms. byers’ giggles from the other side of the table. you lifted your head in a question.

“it’s okay silly girl.” joyce reached over to you, grabbing the napkin from your still shaking hand, “here let me get it for you.” and she wiped your greasy chin and the side of your mouth. jonathan was still laughing and you cast him a dirty look paired with a playful pout. “it’s okay.” joyce spoke, dropping the napkin on the table, your face now clean. you looked down to her flannel with an anxious stance. “okay angel, we can deal with that after you finish your dinner like the silly girl you are. how about that?” you nodded and looked at her eyes. she gave you an endearing smile and reached out a hand, stroking your hair. all of you finished eating in silence.

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“common [name]!! let’s go to my room you need to listen to my newest mixtape!” jonathan told you. “not so quick jonathan. i need to give her a new shirt first, then the two of you can do whatever. alright?” ms. byers called over from the sink. jonathan gave a shrug to you and left for his room. you were bringing the plates from the table over to the sink. “oh sweetheart you didn’t have to.” she told you. “it’s okay ms. byers i wanted to.” you responded with a smile. “common, let’s get you changed up. i’ll deal with these later.” and with that she ushered the two of you to her bedroom.

you sat on the bed as she shuffled through her closet. you watched her talk to herself, your stomach tight with something you couldn’t place. she murmured half to herself, “not this, too colorful. not this. not this, too baggy. aha! this would do.” she said and turned over to you with a red plaid flannel that looked smaller than the one on you. “couldn’t you find this one on your own my silly little girl?” she asked and the shyness washed over you once again. hands still uneasy on your lap, cheeks flaring with the heat.

“you aren’t mad?” you asked, finally finding the courage. she walked over to you on an instant, eyes hazy. “why would i be mad?” she asked with that soft voice again. suddenly you wanted to cry. “i don’t know. i ruined your favorite flannel?” your voice was so small, your body closing up on itself. she put a hand on your shoulder and bent on the knees in front of the bed, her eyes level with yours.

“look at me sweet girl.” she said and you complied. “i would never get mad for something as small as this. i can wash it and the stain will just fade away. i have too many favorite flannels anyway.” you chuckled at that. “there you go, i need you smiling like this… plus, what matters the most is that you got your tummy full and happy now. finishing all of your big girl meal!” she was tickling you on the stomach like she did before dinner and you laughed again. her presence filled you with all the comfort you needed.

“you like it when i treat you like this don’t you?” she asked. you could feel she was getting nervous at that question too. “yes. very much.” you let out shyly. you would do anything if it meant her caring like this more for you. “i do too.” she confessed. “it reminds when will was much smaller, coming home with mike and playing board games.” she smiled, her eyes going blank for a second. you opened you arms and motioned to hug her, she got the message instantly and pulled you in for a warm hug. you held onto her, head resting on her shoulder blade as you inhaled her woody scent in a few breaths.

“okay now arms up! we need to change you.” she said, pushing you back gently. you complied once again, raising your arms high in the air. she lifted the shirt and threw it away, putting the new, clean one on quickly so you wouldn’t get cold. she smoothed the material and your crossed your arms in reflex, trying to warm yourself up. she giggled. “such a silly girl.”

“why do you keep calling me that?” you asked, not protesting because you didn’t ever want to stop being her silly little girl. “because you’re so silly at times. and i love to tease people i love.” she said and left the room with a smile plastered on her lips.

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“mom! mom! mom! look at the photo [name] took the other day at the forest!” jonathan shouted basically as the two of you came back into the kitchen after an hour or so. joyce took the picture from his hand. it was a photo of a baby deer laying on it’s mother’s belly. you were proud of that one, the two of you were rarely able to catch deers let alone a mother-child duo. “awww. that’s so sweet, look at the little one sleeping on top.” she said turning to you. “such a great one, good job sweetheart! i love it!” you gave her a shy smile, looking at your feet. “thank you ms. byers…” you said, gazing up at her now, “uhhh, do you have any sweets? we wanted to have some with jonathan.”

ms. byers pointed over to the kitchen counter. “yeah sure! there are strawberry chip cookies in the jar. and if you don’t like that, chocolate mousse cake in the fridge. karen came by yesterday, bringing them both… though she ate like 4 of the cookies just while talking to me…” she giggled. you skipped over to the cookie jar as jonathan got a slice of the cake from the fridge. “i have some homework to finish. you can do whatever you want meanwhile.” he told you. you nodded as he left for his room. you sat at the kitchen table once again, facing ms. byers now. she didn’t make you nervous, no. more like she calmed you down.

“can i keep this?” she asked, holding up your photo. “yeah, sure. we make a few copies of our nicer pictures anyway.” you said, voice small again because joyce byers was asking to keep your picture, validating, praising your work. she got up, walked over to the fridge and hanged your photo in between another one jonathan took and one of will’s newest paintings. you melted away in the moment, the way she let you in on her space, cared for you just like her own children. it was overwhelming.

“mhm, that looks beautiful up there. don’t you think so sweetie?” she turned back and walked towards the table. “now… i need you to talk to me, tell me what’s been going on.” her voice was gentler, encapsulating. you swallowed as images of your parents fighting in the kitchen, your sister wailing, cold food sitting in the freezer, your mother’s empty wine bottles came back flooding your mind. joyce reached out a hand over the table, holding yours next to your now empty plate of cookies you munched on within 40 seconds. her eyes were hazy, understanding, even a little glassy. “my mother-” you started, head laying low so that she couldn’t see your eyes. but she leaned her body further on the table and lifted your head with two fingers under your chin. “look at me sweetheart. it’s okay. you’re safe. you can look at me.” she tucked a hair behind your ear. you kept going, ignoring the hitching of your breath.

“…she started drinking again.” joyce nodded, keeping her hand on top of yours. “i thought she had quit. and… my sister is- god- she is i don’t know… not taking it well.” joyce listened silently, without interrupting. you tried to keep your eyes on her, not moving your head away. “and my dad. you know how he’s like… not much of a help either… i just- don’t know ms. byers. i try. i try my best to take care of my lil sis but nothing i do is enough. and it’s like i can’t save her- i can never save her. i feel so guilty because i can’t just take her and leave, away to a place where neither of them could find us. and i feel so guilty because i should do more. nothing i do is enough. i should be there with her tonight, she’s probably alone at home doing god knows what, alone and i feel so guilty-” you were full on sobbing by now and you just wanted to get up and sit on her lap and cry. on the other hand her heart ached for you. a girl your age, burdening such guilt that wasn’t even justified for. because there wasn’t anything you could do. she opened her arms, signaling for you to come by her side. “come here-” she let out and you couldn’t get up fast enough. you were hesitant but she held you and pulled you down to sit sideways on her lap. landing on just one of her thighs, one half facing her as you hugged her. your arms locked against her torso and you buried your head on her neck, letting your tears fall. she combed through your hair, drew circles on your back while whispering into your ear. she didn’t stop till your breathing calmed down, saying things like, “it’s okay baby. you’re safe now. i’m not going anywhere. breathe with me now.” into your ear. and you breathed, three in, hold and 4 out. she counted as you kept going. “you’re doing so good.” she said one last time before you pulled back a little, still hesitant to look at her in the eyes.

“i want you to listen to me now my sweet girl. there’s nothing you need to feel guilty for.” she said, looking directly into your eyes now. you wanted to drift your gaze away but she put a solid hand on your cheek. “nothing. do you understand? nothing you need to feel guilty for…” she swallowed. you watched the wheels turn behind her head, trying to soothe you in the best way possible. “i felt that way too.” she started. “with lonnie- i know it’s not the same but i felt there was so much more i could have done for my kids, for myself. back then. i felt so bad, so guilty-” you could see her eyes getting glassy now, her words wavering. you squeezed her side harder, signaling you were here. she gave you a tight smile.

“but there’s nothing you can do sweetie. nothing. you are- you are just a kid. you have nothing you need to feel guilty about… and you’re giving yourself way less credit than you actually deserve.” she chuckled with an inhale, sniffing her nose. “you’re such a smart girl. and you care for your sister, way more than your parents. you’re great at school, you take great photos, you always make sure to do your best. and i have to thank you for keeping jonathan company too. he has been having a hard time lately. ever since-” her words trailed off. she smiled brighter to you now, stroking your face and hair. you leaned into her touch with tears in your eyes, her words found their way to you like the morning sun, hopeful and shining bright every morning nonetheless everything. she leaned in to give your forehead a kiss, you sighed gratifyingly. “you’re enough baby.” she whispered one last time against your skin. “and just so you know,” she booped your nose sweetly, “if things ever get suffocating at home, you and your sister are always welcome here.”

you smirked up at her, teeth showing through. “can i-” you started, hesitant, “can i have some of the cake too ms. byers?” you asked, anxious thinking she’ll say no because your mother wouldn’t even allow the amount of cookies you just ate. but joyce patted your thigh in a playful manner and ordered “scoot up baby.” you got up quickly as she walked to the fridge and cut you a huge slice of the chocolate cake herself. she dropped the plate on the table with a soft smile hanging off her lips. “you can eat as much as you wish sweet girl, as long as you don’t get a tummy ache. because you deserve it. and sweets are always fine with me.”

you heart melted harder with every minute you spent in her house. like you couldn’t believe how lucky you got to be cared by someone like her. you ate up the cake quickly, making a little mess. you heard ms. byers giggling at you, standing with arms crossed in front and her eyes scrunched up.

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the night came to an end and you had to go back home. you said goodbye to jonathan in his room and went to see yourself off. just as you were about to grab your coat and bike back home joyce walked over to the porch.

“just where exactly do you think you’re going? i’m dropping you off.” she said, matter-of-factly. “but ms. byers i can just bike-” you tried to protest. “no buts. i’m gonna pick will up from karen’s too. just pack your bike in the trunk.” you stared at her, mouth agape. you knew she has been wary about letting her kids go out after dark, ever since what happened with will. but seeing it first hand was truly an experience. “common silly girl.” she said, closing your open mouth with a quick hand, “the bike is not gonna get in the car by itself.”

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the road was pretty short, and quiet other than the low humming of the radio and the whooshing of the trees outside. joyce parked the car right outside your house and turned to you just before you left. “i’m serious honey. you should come over more. don’t hesitate. pick your sister up whenever your parents get weird and i will cook the four of you kids some dinner from time to time. okay?” she said her voice soft, her hand finding yours on your lap, giving them a squeeze. “i don’t want to be a burden to you too ms. byers.” you said, looking at your entwined hands on your lap. “look at me baby.” you heard her say and your head lifted up on it’s own. “you’re not a burden, not to me or to jonathan or will for that matter. okay?” you looked at her, a little shocked but heart filled with warmth. you instinctively went in to hug her and she returned it, pulling you in one last time. you tried to memorize her scent to keep you company in the lonely night. but she already let you keep the flannel you were still wearing. that would be enough, you thought.

“now, make sure you go to sleep early and get enough of it. alright angel?” she asked when you drifted back. she placed one last kiss on your hair. you perished under the warmth of her lips, nodding softly. you finally got out the car, taking out your bike and waving her off from the yard as you watched the car drive away.

you didn’t even want to think about what was going on inside the house just behind you. you wished you could stay on the porch forever. not here. but not exactly there either.

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part 2

thank you sm @theupsidedownsprincess for the beautiful ideas!! // dividers by @diviniyae // @pixopix

click for my masterlist

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You have been friends with Jonathan for some time, you were a little older than him and he was kind. So were his friends., accepting you just as you were.

Soon enough you found yourself going out with them, hanging out at the Byers’ house.

You loved the Byers’ and their house. It felt like home, more home than yours anyway. There was always a warmth surrounding the air, encapsulating you.

Inside the house smelt like warm, damp clothing and coffee. Like leftover pizza and wood. The fridge filled with Will’s drawings and photos of Joyce and Will that Jonathan took.

You loved being there, loved hanging out with Will and looking at the drawings he would make of the group or listen to him yap about his latest interests.

You also loved being around Joyce. A little too much. It was something about her, the way she treated you. Like you were different.

She would ask about your day, actually listen to you, talk to you. You felt seen around her in a way you never did before. And she cared, she cared enough to tell you about her days too. Talk to you about her sons and her struggles.

And she would look so beautiful when doing so. Her brown curls framing her face, her deep brown eyes gazing over at you, her hands fussing with her hair and occasionally holding your hand.

It was nothing. You knew it. It was just the way she was, caring and soothing. Her presence was enough to calm down your heart.

Just like that, staring at her through doorways, letting her hold you a little longer than necessary, insisting the five of you to go over to her house, you had developed a huge crush.

And it was ridiculous because she had no idea of your intentions. Or did she? Sometimes you couldn’t help but wonder, why she cared that much? Asking about your parents, noticing the way your face would fall at the mention. Or offering you to stay over with Nancy and Jonathan when it was late, seeing the way you would refuse. Not because you didn’t want to but because you simply couldn’t.

The way her smile would light up seeing you at the porch, her cheeks turning a shade of pink that you wished was only for you.

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You are sitting at the couch, laughing at a story Robin is telling.

“I’m telling you guys, there wasn’t a straight bone in that man’s body.”

Nancy is almost about to cry from laughter.

“Okay- okay Rockin’ Robin” she says through giggles. “That was a nice story but it’s getting a little late. How about you girls come over to my place, I’m sure my mom would be cool with it. We can make some popcorn?”

Robin nods and turns over to you with a smile on her face.

You know the answer your mom would give you if you dared to utter a word about it. A big fat no.

You decide you can try your chances anyway, maybe she would bulge this time.

“Okay. I probably know what is coming but let me ask my mom anyway.” you say as you stand up to go to the kitchen.

You can hear the four of them keep on talking as you walk over to the phone. A knot in your stomach forming with anxiety. Your mom is never cool with things like these unlike Mrs. Wheeler. What was funnier is that you were 20 now. You had your own job in town, you were earning your own money. But no. Your mother was simply not cool with you having free will.

Time slows beneath your feet. You always hate this part, feeling small even through the phone. You hate that it had to be in front of your friends. The woman’s voice was enough to make you crumble to pieces. How could she manage to make you feel irrelevant only with words, not even her physical self in the room? Your own mother.

You spot Joyce in the kitchen, flicking through a magazine.

“Ms. Byers… can I use your phone?” you murmur low, you don’t realize the apprehension in your voice. Already dreading the talk with your mom, why did you do this to yourself?

Joyce notices your voice wavering. She looks up, her heart sinking.

“Yes sweetie, but- is something wrong?” she gets up.

You look up at her eyes finally.

“It’s just- I need to call my mom to ask for permission and- ugh” your voice small.

She puts a hand on your forearm, stroking it up and down. Her touch is gentle but affirming. You smile up at her.

“Okay. You can talk to her over here. Let me know if something’s up okay?”

Her voice is warm like honey and you just want to melt away in her embrace. But you can’t. So you nod and go over to the phone.

You dial the number with uneasy fingers. The phone rings, only twice. You are not surprised. Your mom wouldn’t have it any other way than perfection. Always vigilant, always seamless.

“Hey mom-” you say.

“Y/n? Where the hell are you? Your father and I have been waiting all night-” she begins with the remarks already. About you, your body, your choices, your way of living.

“I’m over at Jonathan’s. I told you twice that I was coming over mom-”

That was the way she was. You couldn’t change it. Not caring to know or listen to your plans, your decisions, your thoughts but the second you acted, the second you did something, she had something to say. Some things that are not so- nice.

“I told you and you said I could come by.” you add quickly.

“Oh- did I? Okay.” she says unconvincingly. “So when are you coming over?”

You can feel Joyce’s stare through your back, intense and worried, penetrating through your skin and holding your frantically beating heart with her gaze.

“About that mom- can I maybe… stay over Nancy’s tonight?” you know the answer before hearing it.

You can feel the words pierce through you, washing over you. Why was she like this? So intense, so hateful towards the tiniest things.

You can’t even hear your mothers ramblings through the phone. Her words reaching to you like you’re underwater. It usually doesn’t affect you like this, the casual slurs she fits into her sentences, the tone of the phrases, not exactly calm but not too aggressive that you can snap at her for shouting at you. Just accusatory. Over the simplest things.

“I don’t even understand why you hang out with those- freaks. I don’t even know what happened to you. You used to be my- my smart little girl and now you’re-” you catch onto her.

“You don’t know mom? Maybe I can show you a mirror, there you can see what happened to me.” you say, your voice louder than acceptable. For her at least. And you can’t even bite your tongue before slipping out the words.

Now she’s mad. Like mad mad. You don’t even want to listen to her anymore. You want to disappear, to fade away. You were having a beautiful night and she had found a way to ruin it. She always did.

“No ma’am. Not my daughter. You will not be a fucking little slut like that Wheeler girl or her mom.” she keeps going.

“Mom-” you try to stop her ramblings. You can feel your heart beating in your mouth at this point, sweat prickling from the back of your neck, your hands start to shake oh so slowly. It’s like the tide is wearing over you, inevitable, aching, hurting. You can’t form the words in your throat.

You rest a hand at the wall, it always starts out like this. You get ready to hang up the phone and slide down to the floor to tug your knees in your chest, in hopes for a way to breathe.

Suddenly you feel a hand at the small of your back before you get a chance to hang the phone up. Joyce takes the phone from your hand.

She keeps her arm around you, holding you by her side and your hips are touching. She raises the phone to her ear, wincing at the words coming through it.

You want to hug her. Hold her back. You wait.

“Hello?” she says to the phone.

“Who are you?” you hear your mother through the line.

You hope for her to be at least a little bit nicer to Joyce. You can’t bear to lose her affection either.

“This is Joyce. Joyce Byers. I’m Jonathan’s mom.”

“Oh… the crazy lady. I heard all about you alright.” you mom replies.

Fuck. You’re almost certain that Joyce will drop you off and kick you out now.

But instead her hand strokes up and down your side once, her thumb stroking circles on your waist.

You shiver under her small touch. It means everything. You keep watching her lips closely, your heart still pounding like a drum.

“I was just wondering why you won’t let your daughter stay at her friends house.”

“Look lady, I don’t know what you might think you know about my daughter but she ain’t like you or your kids. She ain’t no fag like that Wheeler girl or her friend- And don’t think I don’t know what you do with Karen.”

Joyce stopped the rhythmic pattern of her hands with those words. You were fucked thoroughly this time. You had no idea what your mom was trying to mean with those words anyway.

Joyce hanged up the phone without a word, turning to you with both hands on your shoulders now.

The back of your shirt is drenched in sweat already.

“It’s okay honey.” she mutters, smiling at you. Her hand finds your cheek and strokes it once.

You’re shivering. You can feel the panic rise up through your stomach, up your spine to the back of your neck and finally the top of your head. Your scalp hurts. You want to cry but you don’t want her to see you like this.

“Oh- baby, it’s okay. It’s fine. Everything is fine.” She hoists you towards one of the chairs by the table. “Sit down for me will you?” her voice is so soft.

You lower yourself on the wooden chair, hearing the material creak on the floor. That’s the only sound you recognize other than the racing of your heart against your ear drums.

Your head is lowered in front of you. Tears forming on the surface of your eyes. You are so ashamed, don’t know where to put your hands.

Joyce seems to notice the trembling of your limbs. She kneels in front of you, holding your hands in between hers. Her eyes in level with yours and you can no longer hide your face.

Joyce’s heart sinks. Seeing you like this hurts her more than the cruel words of your mother, like a cut against the skin.

She doesn’t speak, lifts one of her hands to wipe away a single tear. Then she strokes your thigh up and down with the same hand.

You tremble. Her fingers against your skin, it feels wrong. Wrong to want them, want her like this. But you can’t help yourself. You lift your gaze from the floor to her face, inadvertently staring at her lips.

Your eyes linger on them longer than necessary when you remember to look away. Joyce notices.

Your hands are still in hers, your back turned to the living room. She’s still crouching in front of you.

“It’s just- I-” you stutter. “She’s s-so- cruel- I can’t understand how she can be-” a silent sob leaves your lips as you cover your face with both hands.

Joyce’s hands touch yours on your face.

“Look at me love,” she whispers low.

Your hands move to the sides of your face. Her fingers on top of yours as she cradles your face.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re- you’re kind, loving, honest. You’re a great daughter-”

You chuckled, with every word leaving her pretty lips you could feel your heart slowing down.

She smiles up at you, a bright smile that warms your heart, dawning upon you like the sun.

“I bet you are, a lovely daughter.” something in her voice makes your heart ache. She misses El and so do you.

You look into her eyes again, the browns shining through. Suddenly you can tell her everything, her hands holding your face.

“It’s like she hates me- anything I do… never seems to be e-enough-” you hiccup the last part, heart breaking right open with tears clouding your vision.

“Oh baby, baby it’s okay.” she whispers, stroking her hands up and down your arms. The amount of times she calls you baby has your stomach doing somersaults. Like you can’t breathe and she’s air itself.

She stands up, hugging your head and you hold onto her waist. She strokes your hair, your head is burried between her arms and belly.

Behind you Jonathan comes in, you’re unaware. Joyce looks up to him.

He’s almost about to speak when Joyce gives him a “Just go, I got this.” look, mouthing “Go.” simultaneously.

You try not to focus on the way she smells as tears roll down your cheeks, dampening her shirt. Her smell is grounding, the feel of her fingers combing through your hair is making you ease into her touch even more.

Some times passes, you’re not really aware.

Joyce doesn’t stop her ministrations on your hair and back as she reaches into the pocket of her flannel for a smoke.

You hear the rustle of fabric, the sound of a lighter, the faint feeling of the image of Joyce’s cheeks hollowing as she takes a drag. You can imagine it in your head. Then the smell of smoke hits you. You’re not that big of a smoker yourself but it had always helped with your nerves after a spiral like this.

You don’t want to part from her but the craving of the cigarette in between your lips wins over.

You keep your hands on her waist as you hesitantly pull back and look up to her.

“Hello.” she says with that comical tone, rolling on the “o” at the end.

“Ms. Byers- can I maybe- have one too?” you point to the cigarette with your eyes.

Her eyes down on you, she’s aware of your hands lingering on her. She doesn’t protest to the feeling of your fingers on her.

She clicks her tongue, “I’m not sure if I should let you sweetie. It’s not good for you after all.”

You stare up at her with doe eyes, she takes another drag of her cigarette. How could she possibly refuse you? You with those pretty eyes looking at her?

“Okay but only a little from mine.” she says. One of her hands is on your shoulder.

She doesn’t lift your face up, she doesn’t have to. You stretch out your neck and she holds the cigarette butt with two fingers, poking your lips apart.

Suddenly it’s way more intimate than it should be. Suddenly you realize everyone has left the house and it’s just the two of you together. Suddenly your hands are still grasping onto her hips for dear life and she’s giving you an inhale of her smoke. That touched her lips. That your lips are against this. very. second.

You stare into her eyes, full of something you can’t really place, as you suck in and take a breath. Not breaking the eye contact, she extracts it from your mouth and takes it up to her mouth. Repeating your actions.

Then she puts out the smoke and parts from you. Her eyes linger on your sweaty shirt, then they follow up to her shirt that is partially wet with your tears.

You’re terrified that she will make a snarky comment about it. That you were being whiny. Little do you know you’re wrong when she smiles at you. Just smiles.

“I think we should change this.” she beams, one finger swiping against a dribble of sweat on your neck.

Your breath hitches. She takes your hand in hers, guiding you up before you can protest. You follow her to the bedroom. She sits you on the bed with both hands on your shoulders.

Your face is about to erupt, suddenly the room is too hot for you to function. You can’t move, let alone make a sound.

Joyce returns with a baggy shirt in her hand. You can’t look at her in the eyes. She hands it to you but you’re motionless. Too nervous to take off your shirt in front of this woman. Nervous that she will see you, truly see you and judge.

She looks down at you, puts two fingers underneath your chin to lift your gaze up.

“Do you want me to do it honey?” she whispers slowly. You’re afraid of stuttering so you simply nod.

She grabs the ends of your shirt and lifts it up. You can see the way she swallows, registering the scars on your stomach. If Joyce is thinking anything you have no way of knowing. She doesn’t say anything, just wiping down your sweat and putting on the other shirt.

You let out a relaxed breath. She takes the sweaty shirt and straightens herself.

“I will be in the living room honey. You can come out whenever you feel comfortable.” A depth to her voice that you don’t want to place. Like worry, sorry, pity.

You smell her on the shirt, feel her skin. It’s soothing, soft just like her. You wait a little longer for your breathing to go back to normal to go to the living room.

· · ─ ·ʚɞ· ─ · · ─ ·ʚɞ· ─ ·

Joyce is looking through the TV when you arrive and sit beside her. She smiles at you. Your need to fade away from her glance is less persistent now, still present though.

She lets you get comfortable on the couch, your legs tucked under you.

She doesn’t look at you as she puts a hand on your thigh. Your breathing comes to a halt, looking over at her. Her eyes are fixed on the television, you try not to concentrate on her lips too much. You fail.

Finally she speaks up.

“Do you know you can tell me everything dear? I care for you- more than you notice I believe.” she says, waiting between each word.

You gulp and snuggle closer to her. You don’t say anything as you lay your head on her lap. She welcomes you, stroking your hair.

“You’re always welcome in my house… and I’m sure Karen’s too.” you smile against her thigh, looking at the bright screen. The way she mentions the other woman so leisurely, leaving you wondering about the nature of their relationship.

She smells wonderful, like fresh air, cigarettes and coffee. You can feel yourself drifting away as she rakes her fingers through your hair.

· · ─ ·ʚɞ· ─ · · ─ ·ʚɞ· ─ ·

You wake back up to the feeling of Joyce’s fingers on her cheek.

“Sweetheart? Are you awake?”

You open your eyes, puffed out from sleep and crying. Your head hurts.

“It’s getting late. I think you should get going.” you hear her saying. You start to raise from her lap, holding your head.

She helps you up and to the door. You don’t want to leave. Don’t want to leave her. Your house looks so distant to you, standing at the Byers’ hall.

You put on your coat and Joyce notices the faltering look in your eyes. You just want to stay here, with her and maybe things would be easier.

You look at her, the faint noise from the TV coming through the living room.

“Ms. Byers- can I- can I hug you once more?” you stumble out and she’s already pulling you in her embrace.

She holds you there, close to her body and you can smell her hair, holding her impossibly close. You want to dissolve into the air with the way she’s holding onto you. Like you’re so fragile, like she wants to treat you with care unlike everyone else. Tears form in your eyes as you speak.

“I really don’t want to leave.” you manage to get out. She draws circles on your back, you whimper in her hold.

“Oh my sweet girl. Oh baby. It’s okay. It’s okay. You can come over whenever you like. Without any reason in particular. Even without Jonathan or the others over.” She strokes your hair, pulling back.

Your heart flutters inside, like your organs are trying to change up their places. All you can do is look at her with pure love in your eyes and wish for her to understand.

“It’s okay. I would love to have you here.” She adds.

You look into her brown eyes, hesitant to bring up your scars.

“You won’t tell the others about- you know-” you huff out. She understands what you mean immediately.

“Don’t worry sweetie. You’re safe with me. I won’t tell them anything you’re not comfortable with.” she replies.

“Also you don’t have to explain to them anything about tonight. I’ll talk to Jonathan if you’d like.” Joyce adds.

Your heart bursts with love for her. The way her cheeks light up when she smiles, the way she straightens your coat as you walk out to the porch, the way she tugs at her hair when speaking.

“I would love that Ms. Byers. Thank you so much. For everything.”

She flashes a one last smile at you through the door, waving you goodbye as you leave halfheartedly.

And underneath the streetlights, walking home in this hell hole of a town Hawkins you wonder. You wonder what your mother will tell you when you show up at an “ungodly” hour at night with someone else’s shirt on you, smelling of cigarettes. You wonder what you will tell her. You wonder about everything you could have done with your life. And you wonder about Joyce. You smell her shirt through your jacket, recalling the way she held you, the things she told you and only you.

· · ─ ·ʚɞ· ─ · · ─ ·ʚɞ· ─ ·

part 2

part 3

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“She accepted Will, didn’t she? I don’t see why she wouldn’t accept you.” Robin tried to comfort, hoping Y/n would be okay and stop worrying so much. She knew it wouldn’t help much. As someone who hadn’t even came out to her own family, she could not say a word about it to be fair. However, this was Joyce and she was the most loving lady she had ever known, practically being a mother figure to all of those in the group, caring as if they were all her children. “I know, I know. It’s just scary.” they sighed, Robin hugging them and pressing a kiss to the top of their head. “I know, but you can do this love. I’m proud of you.” she praised, letting her go upstairs and talk to her mother while she waited with the boy’s downstairs.

“Mum?” Y/n called, trying to find where she was. Joyce answered, letting them know she was in the kitchen making food for them all. “Can I talk to you?” they asked, Joyce nodding and agreeing. “Of course, darling. What’s wrong?” Joyce questioned, looking at her in concern. She picked up on their nerves, hugging them and holding their hand in hers. “Hey, you know you can tell me anything.” she assured, Y/n taking a breath and nodding. They cleared their throat and took another deep breath. “Uh...me and...me and Robin are, uh, dating.” they got out, their heart rate speeding up and palms sweaty. Joyce smiled softly and pulled their head into her chest, kissing their forehead. “Oh love, that’s great! You two are so cute together! Thank you for telling me.” Joyce cheered, Y/n returning the smile back and the hug. They felt a weight lift off their shoulders as they took a deep breath smiling at her mother. “I love you, never forget that, okay?” Joyce told her as they nodded, thanking her. 

both very very cuddly

both also very affectionate

it's usually dates with all three of you, but neither of them mind if one of them takes you on a 1 to 1 date and the same for you

super healthy dynamic

both have learnt to be really great at communication

hipper is the emotional support one, whole joyce is the more serious one, if someone hurts you she will beat the shit out of them if she gets the chance, hopper will too ofc, but only in severe situations where it's the last resort.

go to hopps if you need physical touch or quality time and go to joyce if you need words of affirmation and amazing gifts

parenting el, will and jonathan as a unit <3, none of them are bothered hy it at all, they all totally support your relationship

arguments are rarer than a priceless and mythical jewel, but they still happen. they're never shouting matches tjough and nothing upsetting is ever said, they just moments of oetty squabbling and they're easily solved by an hour apart and movie marathons

they love to dance with you

all three of you absolutely adore making the other two laugh and smile, which is very easy

you have a couple groupchat, the kids find it so ceinge hecause it's just the three of you gushing about how much you love eachother // "it's. it's just cringe mum!" jonathan vhuckles, his lighthearted tone a relief to joyce as she could easily figure out he was jokimg around and totally supported it. joyce rolls her eyes, ruffling his hair and pouting at him. "you'll understand one day kiddo, im just showing my love for your father and parent" she shrugs, before pushing Jonathan out the door with a smirk as he snorts and rolls his eyes at her, jogging to the end of the road to meet argyle

joyce is very open and vocal about it, whilst hopper is a bit more shy and gets flustered easily when the topic is brought up

both are very flirty, not only with you but eachother