#jotx

Home was always a foreign place As I struggled to find a space where I can genuinely be my whole self and not be erased... Too queer for home, too brown to be alone I didn't know where to go I yearned for the stability of a 10 foot tree  Only to learn that my roots didn’t really know how to love me 

I use to believe my home was in a bottle Because it was the only thing that welcomed me with open arms and accepted all the parts of me I thought were broken Then I realized it was made of glass And it  s h a t t e r e d 

Parts of me were s c a t t e r e d I drowned in my own shame. Drowned in the bottles, Masked the pain with celebration  And a Salud! - We cheered Por que after all - we are still here 

Con tiempo, I healed and accepted that I am queer Pero not as in gay - as in fuck you! Joteria sin censura, El baile es nuestra cultura I became reborn with a love so radical and so fearless Like water, queer is fluidity And rigid lines and binaries Crumble at our feet  and we are  free

Together we Learn and unlearn Making and creating New relationships and connections Exploring surfaces and diving to the depths Of the divine We are the holiness They do not talk about

Mi Joteria es Sagrada  divina sabiduria   of greater consciousness

I would not be here without todxs ellxs  my community Our communities, Communal-ties With different people Sharing complexities Sounds of validation Hearing affirmations for the first time Words never tasted so sweet

                   This is how I learned to love me                    This is how I pieced together the broken pieces

CW: Disordered eating, alcohol abuse, emotional distress/trauma, body image issues

My name is Bee and this is my first post to my food diary. The MAIN reason for this food blog/diary is that I love food and growing up as a fat person I was always ashamed of saying that out loud. I still remember the first time I actually said that I loved food… It was 2 years ago while I was working on a workshop called “Amor a Las Lonjitas: Fat Bodies and Diet Culture.”  And it remains true: I absolutely lovvveeee food and I loveeeee cooking and experimenting in the kitchen. I’ve spent so much time and energy on learning to embrace my fat body and now I’m at a point where I can really reflect on how I nurture my body without falling into a state of mind that is obsessed with losing weight. I see this as taking my healing a step further and if by chance I happen to loose weight a long the way than so be it - but that is not my intention at all in starting this blog. The reason I want to start a food diary is so that I can be more conscious about the ways that I nurture my body and so that I can experiment with different ways of consuming different types food and beverages. I also want to acknowledge that I currently struggle with alcohol abuse in the form of binge drinking. I name this because I use it to cope with other anxiety/stress and I’m not sure I am ready to completely sober up but I definitely want to consume less sugary drinks and less beer since I am prone to diabetes.

Growing up I have struggled with disordered eating for many years, which resulted in a huge level of dissociation from my body. In order to heal, I had to purposely not pay any attention to what I was eating and how much, otherwise I would get obsessed and use binge eating/purging and starvation to cope with the amount of loathing I had for my body. I am happy to reflect on how much progress I’ve made and healing from the amount of body shame and trauma I had growing up has been a long and hard process and tbh it never stops. I have to constantly make intentional efforts to remind myself that my fat is resilient for the fact that it doesn’t comply to colonized forms of desirability. 

Another layer to this is that I am transgender. I’m an agender non-binary masc presenting soft Boii. ^.^ This also informs my experience with fatness because having gender dysphoria is another reason I haven’t been very nice to my body in the past. 

I’m a survivor of emotional abuse, self-harm and many other things I’m not ready to name yet and with this food diary I am reclaiming my body because I have the ultimate agency to determine what goes in my body and how much of it. Although I might be trying different forms of eating (not using the word “diet” because it is not a diet) and cleansing, I am not going to promote any type of “weight loss” strategy and will be as conscious to keep my content 100% fat positive and body positive because all bodies are positive bodies ^_^