I was watching an interview with John & Yoko re: the Kyoko situation & John was saying how Yoko couldn’t be around children or if children appeared on the TV he would change the channel otherwise Yoko would have a mental breakdown. Now we know that once John moved to New York he stopped contact with Julian and didn’t see him for 2-3years. John sacrificed his relationship with his son to keep Yoko happy but do you think it was justified? Was Yoko being selfish/unfair? It wasn’t Julian’s fault Tony Cox ran off with Kyoko. Do you think John was stuck between a rock and a hard place? He knew was he was going to hurt someone so he chose to hurt his son over his wife. Or was it John’s indifferent feelings towards Julian that made this decision easy for him? Your children are supposed to be the most important people in your life and it appears John never valued his relationship with Julian.
Justified? No, from my pov, but I wasn’t there and living the experience so maybe I’m a butthead for considering Julian’s feelings to be as worthy as Yoko’s and that an arrangement could have been made for Julian to still see and talk to his Dad regularly without intruding Yoko’s personal boundaries and anxieties.Â
John was not indifferent towards Julian. He wanted full custody of him when he and Cyn were divorcing (though, my god, he was in no state to be looking after a child). Obviously he did not want to hurt Yoko, and most likely knew that the best way to keep peace was to keep Julian at a distance. John and Yoko both catered completely to each other especially in those early years where it felt like them vs the world. They wanted to protect each other from the world and obviously Kyoko was the sorest point for Yoko and John wouldn’t want to hurt her like that. He already felt very guilty about Kyoko’s kidnapping in the first place, and I’m sure that guilt influenced his choices. If even seeing children on tv was enough to upset her, it’s clear why Julian wouldn’t have been able to stay over. And of course as John’s mental health spiralled out of control, he lost contact completely.Â
When John was with May Pang, she encouraged him to get back in touch with his son because it was important. He was nervous about it, self conscious and insecure, but he knew it was the right thing to do. If he didn’t care at all he wouldn’t have been feeling that much fear. May also said that, at the start, John was afraid of facing his past and the bad memories it all conjured up. The concept of fatherhood was scary because he didn’t feel like he could take care of himself, let alone someone else. But here’s some other quotes from the first get together in 1973 from May’s book...
“Julian alternated between shyness and ease with his father. He said to John, “I can’t believe I can talk to you whenever I want to now.” John was puzzled. “Do you remember in England when I used to come and visit you? I was allowed to speak to you only once or twice a day. Otherwise I couldn’t speak to you at all.”
John started to relax. He asked Julian about school and his friends; he asked him about the music he liked and whether he was studying any musical instruments.”
“John was pleased with the excursion and he adored Julian. “He’s like a little man,” he kept telling me. “He’s able to have conversations. He can think, he can discuss things. He amazes me.”
I think as much as he obviously cared for and liked Julian, his relationship with Yoko made him feel safe and secure in the face of his own overwhelming issues. He did not want to jeopardise that. And, obviously, he loved her and cared and empathised with her personal struggles. So, especially through his depressed phases and phases of drug and alcohol use, he retreated from every responsibility he had including his son who was too young to grasp that it wasn’t his own fault that his dad wasn’t there for him.Â
Julian has talked about how in 1980 especially (when John was working on Double Fantasy and motivated and noted to be feeling very positive) his relationship with his Dad improved and their calls became a more frequent and so were visits. I personally think John did have many of the traits it took to be a great Dad! He was generous, understanding and caring, he knew that an important part of love was nurturing the other. He could be very gentle and empathetic. But he just didn’t have the right state of mind to cope and did what many very depressed and anxious people do - he retreated because he felt safer that way.Â
Hope that clears up/illuminates the situation, anon!
