#joeyblocks

megyolk

I’ve had a couple of boyfriends, but they never loved me or anything. I didn’t think anyone could until he came along. Joseph. Joey, his friends call him. It never seemed to fit him to me. They didn’t really appreciate his beauty the way I did though. His curls were much nicer than mine, and his hair wasn’t just brown. It was chocolate brown, and it matched his eyes just so. Ashleigh dated him, and she liked him well enough, and I know that everyone says that they were nothing and that she truly loves Chris, but I just don’t understand who could love Chris when Joey is around. His laugh leaves me breathless in love, and he is just so nice and sweet and brave. He doesn’t think he is though. He never gives himself any credit, but I try and tell him I love him and why whenever I can. He is beautiful to me in every way. He is so sweet and nice and he is good at things, but he believes he’s not. He always believes that is friends are better than him at everything. But they aren’t, and I know they aren’t. But he refuses to believe it. For some reason, he just can’t see it. And it makes me so sad. It makes me feel like I am not a very good girlfriend. Because I think it’s my job to help him see how wonderful he is. And I just can’t seem to do a good enough job at expressing his adequacy. No, more than that. He isn’t just adequate. He surpasses that by so much. He is perfect. And I know that maybe he feels the same way about me. I can’t take a compliment, and I don’t even try to anymore. It’s hard for me to just say thank you without a grimace on my face. But I do try. 

Chris Adams

One time she cried in my arms all night and all I remember is her sobbing into my shirt and sitting there so fucking clueless and now that it’s too late to do anything fucking ever I know exactly what I should have done and that’s why I hate myself late at night and in the morning and all the time and that’s why I started doing anything I could to forget about her and the pain and that’s why I started doing the cocaine and I started feeling so good and forgetting and that’s why I keep going back to it and that’s why I’m trying to get anything else strong, anything I can get my hands on. It’s why I pop those pills in order to go to sleep at night, so I don’t hear her screaming anymore, so I can’t hear her crying out for me to save her, so I can’t see her falling down, down, down behind my eyelids into the water. There’s a reason I can’t go swimming anymore. There’s a reason I don’t go outside. There’s a reason I hate the rain.

I promise you that I will always love you in my mind. I promise you that there will come a day when you no longer think of me, and no matter where I am, whether I am in heaven or hell, or somewhere else entirely, I will cry for us and I will cry over you forgetting me. But they will be bittersweet tears, because when you have moved on from me, you will start to be okay again. You will realize that you can love again, and that it wasn’t me who destroyed our love. I was saving it. Because I know that we would not have been forever. I made us forever. No matter who you date now, no matter who you marry, I will always be with you. And this is for my sake, not yours. You can be with someone else, I don’t mind. I’ll be dead; you have to find someone new someday. What keeps me safe inside my head is the knowledge that you and I will always be together once I’m dead.

Have you ever wanted to die? Thoughts racing through your brain, crashing into each other desperately, desperate to end it all because you know that no good can come of this, this life wasn’t meant for me, I can’t do this anymore. Have you ever wanted to die with your mind screaming, begging you to please let go, please just let go. Your heart pounding too fast to remember to breathe, and you feel like you’re dying even when you want to die, but you can’t, you can’t, you can’t, your body won’t let you. It won’t let you just let go, your body is holding out ‘til the end, just holding on until this thinking erases itself from your mind. But what it never does? What if you just have to deal with it forever, for the rest of your life? Just this feeling of pain and inadequacy and just always feeling like you need to die. And the rain is pouring down on me just like the ocean crashed around you and I can feel your heart, I can feel it beating next to mine, because you didn’t want it anymore. And I promise you that I will always keep it in my chest, I promise that you will always have a home in my heart and that you can keep living through me because I don’t fucking want to anymore. Your red curls can live on through me, because I don’t fucking want to anymore. You will live and I will die, but even I know that the trade isn’t fair, because you are beautiful and perfect and I am nothing, I am absolutely fucking nothing. I have no hope, no prayer, of getting out of this alive because I breathed through you. You made me who I am just to take it all away again, just like you took your own last breath, you took your life away but didn’t you realize that you were going to take mine with you? Didn’t you realize what you were doing to me when you cast your own life away? You knew what you meant to me. Didn’t you? How could you not? God, I sound so selfish. Here I am, knowing I cannot live without you. But I’m not even talking about your beauty and your grace and the way you’d wrinkle your nose up at so many foods and how you craved them at the same time and how your freckles danced across your face and how you loved me, you loved me, you loved me, and how we took each other’s virginities in the dead of night and how you dreamed dreams so big for one so small, so fucking small and yet you never saw it. No, you never saw it. All you saw was your failures and so I refused to see them. I would only see the light surrounding you, I refused to see the darkness inside of you which is all you ever saw. I craved you, but I know now that I couldn’t handle all of you. I didn’t want the darkness, I couldn’t handle it. And so I imagined it away. You did not kill yourself. It was me. I murdered you in the dead of night when I could not listen to your quiet screams any longer, I murdered you in the day time when I would no longer pick you flowers, I murdered you when I was not there for you whenever you cried. I murdered you, didn’t I? I can never hold on to you again, you and your enviable curls and your freckles dancing. And your eyes, brown like mine only so much brighter. For a person so dead inside, your eyes shone bright.