#joe root

i don't remember where i saw it, but didn't you say something about ben stokes giving phil salt a right lecture about dating and aussie? and yeah, they wouldn't have had much chance to know each other - but ☝️jos buttler and ben are very close! and jos has opened with salty for england, so they also would have some kind of bond formed, right? (besides, jos seems so sweet. he looks like he'd defend all his teammates.)

anyway, crack idea - ben drags salty off for a stern lecture on dating timmy, how it goes against the Principles of the Ashes, a brit dating and aussie is scandalous, basically blasphemy (we dial the drama up to 21) while salty is sitting there with his eyebrows raised like an insolent child. and Somewhere, mr Arrogant Tall Thing aka pat cummins is giving tim the same fucking lecture, fuelled by rage (while tim is trying not to laugh straight in his face.)

it's jos who finds ben and salty like, and is all "ben, is this strictly necessary," and ben is like "Yes." and salty is rolling his eyes even harder while jos tries to convince ben It's Not That Big Of A Deal. eventually, he gives up and is like "well, if you have a problem with david and salty, you're.... definitely gonna have a problem with who i'm dating too." "who?" ben demands.

"uh. well. .....shubman?

"....gill?"

jos huffs. "just how many shubmans do you know?"

ben opens his mouth. closes it again.

"well, fuck," salty whispers, borderline gleeful. "nice pull, mate."

jos turns to glare at him, slowly. "I'm trying to defend you and your fucking kangaroo, and you're mouthing off about another man? my boyfriend?"

meanwhile, guess who bursts in to defend timmy from cummins's wrath? your darling reggie. their conversation goes pretty much about the same. trust patrick to get increasingly pettier about it. he's escalated to threatening to disown tim (somehow) until josh throws up his hands and is like. "you know, cummo, i didn't want to tell you like this, but you're making this impossible. you have a problem with tim dating a brit? well, you're not gonna like who i'm dating."

tim's mouth drops open. "mate. you're actually gonna do it?"

"better not be another bloody pom," pat mutters.

josh's lips twitch. "much worse."

"who, josh?"

josh winces. "well. virat kohli?"

silence.

"you actually bloody did it," tim mumbles, a disbelieving laugh puffing from his lips.

pat blinks at josh, terrifyingly still. apex-predator still. "virat kohli."

"yes."

"you're dating virat kohli."

josh sighs, done. "i know you heard me the first time, cummo."

okay bye 👋have Fun 🦍🍑

hello jiiiiiii! what a familiar face i have in my inbox wah wah

sleep deprived or not i love all the ideas you put out ji i veel entertain them all for you at your beck and call always (kisne kahan i larve you hawwww false allegations)

yes yes i did say that about the lecturing bit in this post's comments here (it was actually @fortuna-majoris's idea and i only pointed out how maybe stokesy and phil salt aren't toooo close afaik)

and you're right!! jos and salty are the first pair of opening batsmen to score 1000 runs together in T20Is! they are definitely close to say the least (or at least i hope so, heh)

So Virat is standing kinda like this

But instead of having like a tortured expression, he has like a 'What can I do' kinda face and is singing/mouthing "Kya karu oh ladies, main hun Aadat se majbur"

Meanwhile the girls around him aren't girls. Rather they are the pace trio of Australia (Pat looks annoyed, Joshy is confused and Mitch is looking at Virat and Josh like a cat who got the cream) and for some weird reason Joe Root is also there who is looking longingly at Ben Stokes, who is offering Virat a handshake

Meanwhile in a corner AB is holding a baby Rajat (a baby with Rajat's face superimposed) and crying because his husband is flirting with other men while they have a gaggle of children back home. (He is also mouthing/singing "Kya hua tera wada" for some reason while baby!Rajat is side eyeing him)

The crux of the issue is breaking the curfew. You can't just set up a rule and then break it at the earliest possible opportunity, especially after everything that happened beforehand ("uber to the nets" + brook taking a hit from a bouncer). the reason there was a curfew in place was to make sure players don't get hammered and into Situations. stokes and atkinson, in fact, got hammered and into Situations, and proved the need for the rule.

a lot of old english men on the internet went on about "why can't grown men just have a drink after a win??" and "it was his BIRTHDAY" (like 5 days ago) but that's not the problem and it's not where their unprofessionalism stems from. have a drink at the hotel, free of being punched.

It's also very disappointing to see this behaviour from the captain himself. you set some of these rules in place, my guy. rob key also said "gus atkinson didn't even knowww there was a curfew :(" which honestly just unfolds a whole new story (did he just not care or are they bad at letting their players know) but it goes out the window since he was accompanied by the captain? who could/should know better.

I did feel bad hearing that this could be the end of stokes' career because that's obviously a disappointing end for anyone. not many details have been disclosed about the incident but hopefully breaking the rule was their only wrong.

oh lord, i don't remember how many "writing exercise" fics i have 😭

zamaana lage: this was, like travmitch, a randomly generated ship. kay gave me yashu and aves gave me joe and i thought jesus christ, what the hell am i going to write for these two? and then i was informed/found out that yashu really likes him, joe was a mentor, yada yada, and then i went the unrequited love route. and then i found out joe never returned to the ipl, so i made it look like he was uncomfortable with yashu's advances. (confession: this was a song i hadn't heard when i wrote it, and i still haven't 😬😅)