If I don’t want my child to speak to me in a certain way (tone, language, attitude) then I need to be mindful not to talk to them in that way.⁣ ⁣ Nothing more humbling then when your child says something horribly rude to you and you recognize your own voice in there 🤦‍♀️ Easy to go down a shame spiral… Take a deep breath. We can reflect on this. For one thing, it happens to most parents. We’re not perfect and in our moments of passion and reactivity we can act in ways that are not in line with our parenting intentions and are also super memorable for our children. ⁣ ⁣ 5 things to keep in mind:⁣ 1. If you manage to refrain from using whatever phrase or gesture, for a while, your child will likely stop using it too.⁣ 2. Your child saying or doing this “rude” thing is not something to worry about long term. I know an f-bomb dropped at the park can be mortifying but think of how you would take it as another parent. I personally would be trying not laugh and would likely laugh about it later, so no judgement from the parents you should actually want to be friends with and nevermind the others. ⁣ 3. Your child using the phrase or gesture is a way of them processing the experience. It’s actually healthy, from a psychological perspective because they are working through it, experimenting with what type of response they will get; “how does this work for me?” ⁣ 4. They also love and admire you so if you did it, it must be ok to do, right? You can try to explain this but it can often get confusing for kids, we get lost in trying to explain ourselves in an adult way lol⁣ 5. Try not to react or just react to the emotions and not the “rude” behaviour “wow, you sound frustrated!” ⁣ @responsive_parenting⁣ ⁣ Learn more about this in my latest E 📖 Finding Your Calm: A Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation Link in bio @responsive_parenting or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com #ResponsiveParenting #JMilburn #ParentMentalHealth #MaternalMentalHealth #PostPartum #MensMentalHealth #ParentingLife #HealingJourney #GentleParenting #AttachmentParenting #Attachment #AttachmentTheory #Parenthood #SelfHealing #SelfCompassion #EarlyChildhood https://www.instagram.com/p/CePr3fioeNj/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Why do people think “disobedience” is a sign of a lack of respect, when it comes to children? Do you obey all the commands of those you respect, without question? And if you do, is that respect? Or is it something closer to fear? And so if disobedience has nothing to do with “respect” and rather more to do with context… How does trying to increase someone’s respect level actually increase obedience? Well it doesn’t…. Especially with children… It’s not that children are not more likely to comply with the requests of those they respect. It’s that “respect” (obedience) is often expected (not earned), by adults and it’s also seen through an adult lens. The way you gain respect is by treating someone with respect. That means empathizing and having compassion for them when they do choose not to comply. Having respect for your child means giving them the space to have their voice heard and matter. But when we look at “respect” as equivalent to blind obedience, of course we will feel offended when our child disobeys us. They aren’t disrespectful…. That’s not disrespect. But we were taught it is… We were taught that disobedience is disrespect. Guess what happens next? We become emotionally triggered! We recall all those feelings of fear when our parents demanded respect and we explode! Without realizing that we are actually using fear to elicit compliance and then calling it respect… we can NEVER overcome the internal struggle that happens that leads us to that breaking point. J. Milburn @responsive_parenting #responsiveparenting #jmilburn #childism #stopchildism #freekids #respectchildren #childled https://www.instagram.com/p/CVTWBaJrmJE/?utm_medium=tumblr

Childhood was never meant to be training for adulthood. Contrary to Popular Belief.... Adults don’t know how to be children. Children know how to be children. Adults know how to be adults. Children will too, when they become adults. Believing the purpose of a child’s life is to become a productive, compliant member of society, robs children of the necessary time they need to be an autonomous, carefree child. Childhood is a necessary part of development... childhood in it’s purest form.... not childhood as training for adulthood. You don’t see caterpillars practicing flying. Nature knows what it’s doing. We need to stop trying to change something that was never meant to be changed. J. Milburn Even toddlers?? Yes! Even toddlers lol. Learn how with the Toddler Workshop Series. Link in bio @responsive_parenting #responsiveparenting #jmilburn #childhood #childhoodismagic #childhoodisajourneynotarace #childhoodisnecessary #letkidsbekids #kids #childhoodmemories #letthembelittle #toddler #memories #candidchildhood #happykids #play #childrens #live #wild #moments #unschooling #spiritedchild #homeschooling #mindfulmamas #freeyourmind https://www.instagram.com/p/CXZJMqMFPW7/?utm_medium=tumblr

When you know better but aren’t doing better First I must acknowledge, simply knowing and recognizing coping skills and behaviours within ourselves that no longer serve us and/or may be harmful to ourselves or the people around us, is the the most important step in this journey. You are at the planning stages. You are thinking about trying a different path. You may have even decided to take that different path but you end up on the old path. Don’t worry; someday you will take a step down that path. It may only be one step, at first. You may start down the old path, stop, run back and try the new path. All of this IS “doing better.” As we do in our children, we need to celebrate our small steps. We need to recognize that so much of the work is internal. Just knowing what to do differently does not stop you from old patterns. When it comes to parenting, many of these patterns are set in your own childhood. You may but even realize you have these patterns, until you become a parent. Often these patterns are also triggering for the parent, further fueling the emotional burden of parenting because when they see themselves doing exactly what they promised they would never do, their confidence and self-worth as a parent can simply plummet. Usually I realize I was overwhelmed in some way and validating my feelings of overwhelm, forgiving myself, giving myself grace and making a plan to meet some of those unmet needs, has transformed my perception of these moments where reaction was my initial response. I discuss this in detail in the Guide to Survival Mode Plans, now only 5$’s The link is in my bio @responsive_parenting #responsiveparenting #jmilburn #healingjourney #parentanger #parentmentalhealth #maternalmentalhealth #postpartummentalhealth #breakingcycles #intergenerationaltrauma #changingthenarrative #allthefeels #changeishard https://www.instagram.com/p/CWjwkkhr014/?utm_medium=tumblr

“One of the more challenging, but necessary shifts in perspective, when adopting a responsive approach to parenting, is no longer believing that affection and compassion is a reward. That is conditional love. You are sending the message that “even though I know you are having a hard time I will not show you love because I am mad.” Chances are your child is mad too and you are asking them to calm down and show compassion and remorse, prior to you doing the same thing. As a parent we should model these behaviours, instead of expecting our children to demonstrate them for us before we are even able to achieve them ourselves.” J. Milburn #responsiveparenting #peacefulparenting #gentleparenting #attachmentparenting #attachmenttheory #motherhood #parenthood #momblogger #mombloggers #earlychildhood #childdevelopment #parenting #childhood #momlife #mindfulparenting #jmilburn #perspectivechange #affectionisnotareward #unconditionallove #unconditionallove❤️ https://www.instagram.com/p/CRj1mX5ngW1/?utm_medium=tumblr

Let’s talk a bit about childism… Childism is such a common part of our society that challenging it often feels uncomfortable for people. Most people are quite comfortable with childism, as it’s how we grew up, it’s what we see on TV, it is just how you treat children. 100 years ago (or even less) this could be said about other marginalized and vulnerable groups. Childism is not simply treating a child “like a child.” It’s treating a child as “less-than” because they are a child. Saying that you are accepting and inclusive does not actually make you so. In a world where being dubbed as having any sort of bias can ruin one’s personal and professional life, it’s no wonder people’s egos are extremely defensive when faced with someone who is questioning the inclusiveness of their words and actions. The problem is, our fragile egos are getting in the way of growth. If we don’t own the fact that we ALL have biases, we become so defensive when one of our biases is questioned, because it cannot be the bias that is the problem, since, you are not bias, according to you. People will say “I am totally accepting of my child. We talk about feelings. I’m just not going to let him treat me with disrespect. What kind of person will he grow up to be?” Well if this is said in reference to a 3 year old getting mad because he can’t have a cookie, well than.... it is a childist view. If your partner wanted a cookie, would you feel disrespected when they were mad that there weren’t any cookies left? Or would you feel empathy? When we see a 3 yo’s behaviour as disrespectful we’re not taking into account their development but at the same time, expecting a higher level of respect and emotional regulation, with no returned empathy, than we do of an adult. @responsive_parenting #responsiveparenting #jmilburn #parenthood #childhood #childism #endchildism #holdingspace #compassion #bethechange #kindness #kids #emotions #knowledge #reflections #beyondego #motherhood #childrens #parentlife #truthbetold #truestory #trust #dadlife #fatherhood #momlife #kidlife #selfreflection https://www.instagram.com/p/CaGK0OyA5xf/?utm_medium=tumblr

Co-regulation and suppression When your child is feeling dysregulated, it can be difficult to figure out how to support them without minimizing, suppressing or overreacting. Being a calm presence means even when you aren’t sure when the upset will end and how, you stay calm and have faith in the process.    A phrase you may want to use could be…. “Do you want some help to calm down or do you just need to cry/scream for a bit?”   At this moment, you are demonstrating…  • Unconditional acceptance. • All emotions are ok. • I am not overwhelmed by your emotions, even if you are. • It’s ok to take your time to process your emotions. • It’s ok to accept help. • It’s ok to feel better again. • You don’t have to feel any shame or guilt for having big feelings. • Your emotions are yours to respond to, not your parents.  Read more about co-regulation and suppression in my latest e-book 👇 
Finding Your Calm: Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation This 186 page e-book combines my knowledge of child development, brain science and trauma to offer parents a unique resource that includes lots of exercises, reflections, insights and also… links to additional research, articles and videos that can help support your healing and learning journey. Link in bio @responsive_parenting #responsiveparenting #jmilburn #parentmentalhealth #maternalmentalhealth #maternalmentalhealthawareness #postpartummentalhealth #momrage #dadmentalhealth #parentingsupport #selfcareformoms #selfcarefordads #healingjourney #peacefulparenting #gentleparenting #attachmentparenting #attachment #attachmenttheory #parenthood #selflove #selfcompassion #earlychildhood #childdevelopment #ptsd #childhood #hypoarousal #hyperarousal #windowoftolerance #coregulation #selfregulation #holdingspace https://www.instagram.com/p/Cbm5JOxLKUV/?utm_medium=tumblr

“Before becoming a parent, most people think they are going to be the one’s “teaching the lessons.” When in fact our children are the one’s who offer us countless learning experiences and daily opportunities to practice what they have taught.” J. Milburn #responsiveparenting #jmilburn #attachment #lifelonglearning #parentingisajourney #childrenareteachers #parenting #parentingjourney #learningfromlife #learningfrommykids #kidsrthebestteachers #motherhood #parenthood #fatherhood https://www.instagram.com/p/CUBB3PtLmd9/?utm_medium=tumblr