#jekyllson

You created a monster. You created me.

The monster you’ve created in yourself to indulge in the sins you lust for has destroyed my whole life, taken everyone I care about away from me. And when that monster tells me to run away with him, I’ll consider it. For just a moment. When that monster dies and takes you with him, I’m left with nothing. Nothing except for the recipe that turned you into that monster. I take it because I have nothing left to lose. You’ll never know when it might come in handy.

We’ve spent our entire friendship integrating what’s you into what’s me. I don’t know where I stop and you begin. There isn’t a world where I’m allowed to have you, so I sleep with your boyfriend in place of you, have him tell me he loves me because you didn’t say it back. When you die and I’m out in the wilderness, desperate, it’s you I consume. The lines between us blur into non existence as I take the life you would’ve had. That’s not what you’re hungry for.

It was too painful for me to leave everything I knew to be home, never to come back again, so I tried to forget it and assimilate to my new life. I tried to forget you. And when I return, dying and alone, you’re right where I left you. I’m dying. I’m dying and your blood could cure me (it could kill me). You can’t risk that, so you take away yourself and any hope of saving me (I thought you were supposed to give people hope). I take matters into my own hands, save myself and take from you what you took away from me. I needed you.

however there is a different kind of queerness between henry and gabriel that i will allow. they're 50 year old unmarried men that want something more but henry is FUCKING DEAD NOW and i like that dynamic. they're gay in the quiet way where they'd never acknowledge that but in restrospect you look at those feelings and go That's more than friendly