#je'taime

I would describe to you the setting of where I was, and the time when this happened but it’s all a dizzy memory; not because I have forgotten the details but because the details of what it was, how it happened, the outside and the inside, the thoughts, dreams and reality, all seemed to blend into one consciousness.

The night felt long and a never ending peace seemed to possess us. When dawn arrived, for the first time, I was dissappointed at the sun for having risen. The day break meant our long separation.

Sometime during that long night, I held your arm with both of mine wrapped around it. Head on your shoulder, I did not know how I let down my walls and let loose my inhibitions so easily around you. In murmurs and silence, even in my sleep, I seemed to be talking to you throughout the night. I was wrapped in several jackets, yet the only warmth seemed to be of your body against mine and your hands shrouding mine.

As we sat on the bench overlooking the lights beyond the river, that never seem to be lost from my sight, and the darkness of the grounds around us, there was a glowing radiance surrounding, an aura as I had never known. I had never known what it is to like someone, to love, to be absorbed in them as a whole, but in those moments it all felt naturally coming to me.

I dream of us sitting on that bench again, another long night but arrival of the morning cannot and does not separate us. Somewhere in the middle of the long night, when track of time has been lost, I tell you about the boy who tried to touch me. And I tell you about the time when your absence made me feel unreasonably angry and vulnerable. I tell you about the time when the soft music made me wish you were there, holding me lovingly by my waist, unlike that boy that time. I tell you about how I was aware how unreasonable I was being then, but that didn’t help, at all. I tell you about the time when my oldest bestfriend came to meet me, and of all the people, you were who I wished to introduce her to and tell her about. In my head, I say all of these things to you, while we sit at the bench. I see a faint shape of a smile and I sense you blushing deep. You seem to hold me closer, lock me tighter around yourself, and you whisper that I am the most precious thing in your life, that you’d never want to let go of me. A calming peace seemed to have taken over me.

Now I understand what you meant. What you meant when you said it’s important for people to confess their love, there’s no hope in waiting and yearning when you could happily have all that you ever wanted.

Bonus:

It is currently 1:38am I couldn't sleep so thought to share my latest little craft makes. With Valentine's Day fast approaching and February starting this Saturday it will be here before we know it. I haven't been one for the Valentine's Day spirit or festivities. I celebrated it properly last year with my boyfriend of nearly 3 years. He is the inspiration to create these beautiful pieces for Valentine's Day. He has been my rock when through out the time I've known him we have had are difference's and a few arguments along the way here and there but he is the inspiration that made me want to make these. One is a gift for him ( red one) and another will be gifted to a friend that has been a beautiful gem to me.

It has been weeks since I have seen or spoken to my father. Kovu has been keep track of those dickheads who were tailing me. LILO was staying with us for a little awhile but then she found a place and I was shocked about the news about Desi but desi ain’t that dumb, I think there was more to the story, but I left it alone and kept fixing up my new dispensary. I was in my office putting boxes of pictures and displacements and making room for jimmy spot. I got a call from my phone it was an unknown number. I thought to myself that it was my dad but when I picked up it was a woman. Desiree: Hello Amari?

Amari: Yes? Who this?

Desiree: Desi.

Amari: Lilo is at the house you can find her there.

Desiree: This isn’t about Lilo it’s about something else, I’m outside the parking lot

Amari: What you want desi?

Desiree: It’s better if we talk in person. She hung up.

I went outside the parking lot to look for Desiree. Thinking to myself what does she want? Some money to get drugs, convince Lilo to get back with her, or looking for some work? I scope around the parking lot and she was standing at the end of the parking lot in the front. I walked toward her, as I got closer I saw her smoking a vape.  

Amari: Sup Desiree. 

Desiree: Hey Amari. 

Amari: So what are you doing here? Trying to gamble?

Desiree: Nah, I’m here to ask you a favor. 

Amari: That is?

Desiree: Teach me how to run the drug game?

I told Desiree we'll head to my office and talk.

Amari: Why the fuck do you think I’ll help you deal drugs?

Desiree: Cuz I heard you the best at it. 

Amari: From who?

Desiree: Lilo! She said you use to deal coke, crack, weed, and meth back in the day.

Amari: I just use to help my brother from time to time. My brother and father were all in that shit.  

Desiree: You used to protect him. Amari: I don’t do that shit anymore. I strictly sell weed now, legally.

Desiree: Look, Amari, I’m not asking for us to be partners but I am asking for protection and heat.

Amari: Thought you were using?

Desiree: I’m not on that Amari. 

Amari: So you lied to Lilo?

Desiree: Yeah. 

Amari: Why?

Desiree: Cause I got robbed and they held me and Kenoi at gunpoint

Amari: What?!

Desiree: I was in Miami for this modeling gig. To be on Sims Vouge, they hire this famous photographer that glory over there. After shooting he invited us to his mansion for an after-party, I sold the photographer and some of the models that were there some.  He became a regular client but that fucker got greedy.

Amari: You lying! How I know that you’re not high right now.

Desiree: I’m not fucking lying! You know better than that Amari! That fucker found me, robbed me, and had his guys held me and Kenoi held at gunpoint.

Amari: What!? you really serious?

Desiree: Yeah, that why I told Lilo I was using. I took Kenoi to the hospital he had a minor bruise on his wrist cuz I was squeezing it so damn hard. Anyway, I told Lilo I using because I wanted her out of the house with Kenoi to keep them safe. I sold the house and put some of the money in an account for Kenoi and the rest I took to get a house and a new whip.

Amari: So what about Lilo?

Desiree: I told Voah to give some cash but she didn't want anything to do with me.

Amari: So why me?

Desiree: Cause you been in the game.

Amari: Look I’m going to offer you good loyal men but I don’t want my name tied to this shit, whatever Lilo and you got going on that between y’all.

Desiree: Agreed.

Desiree: Thank you, Amari

Amari: Mhm. Alright, you can go.

Desiree: Look I never wanted this to happen but I want the best for my family even though I have to make sacrifices.