you weren’t the biggest fan of the piercing cold of seoul.

but you were most definitely in need of seeing him.

so you just had to endure the cold.

your leather ankle boots weren’t made to suit this weather but regardless, you trudged through the hardened snow of the outdoor parking lot. it was too late at night you just weren’t bothered to park in the underground car park.

jaebum was in the studio burning midnight fuel—or rather, weekly fuel—working on songs to incorporate into an upcoming album, whether solo or not, you didn’t know. you didn’t want to be at your shared apartment all alone like the you’ve been for the past five days so you might as well just be in the studio with him.

it was pitch black out, as it’d been since 5pm this afternoon. you relied on the glow of the streetlights to light up your path to the entrance of the concrete building. smoke drifted out your lips from your breathing, your heart beating steadily in your chest.

you pushed past the heavy glass door that led into the large concrete buliding. late nights were a rare occasion for anyone to be present in such a vacant building, a place unlikely for a music studio to be built in. that was the exact intention of the producers, in order to avoid stalkerish fanatics.

pressing the button to the floor on the lift was hard when there were plastic bags of takeout hanging from your hands. you struggled for a little before managing to get the correct number. you waited, your boots tapping against the ground of the elevator impatiently.

you were frustrated that he hasn’t been home for days.

that he didn’t bother to tell you about it.

that he probably didn’t even notice his own health was slowly deteriorating.

you stopped in front of the familiar door of his studio, contemplating what you wanted to say to him. five days he hadn’t said a word to you. not a single text nor call from him you weren’t sure how to react when you saw his face again.

clingy was definitely not what you were. it was simply worry and concern that came naturally from a person whose significant other hasn’t been home for five days. and someone who had no clue where on earth he was since then.

until today.

your hands found the courage to grip the door handle and push it down. this location was so discrete no password was needed in order to enter. you took a single, deep breath before stepping in.

he had his back faced towards you. he was bent over the desk of control panels and his computer intently. his head was propped on his hand while he stared at the curved screen in front of him. the screen displayed a series of bars that represented the different sounds and harmonies he assembled to create a song. his dark, overgrown hair was unruly from stress. his ankle was crossed over his knee, a posture that he always in when he was indecisive.

jaebum worked far too hard but he’d been like this since forever, you were used to it. you just needed to give him a balance. a balance between the time for work and for himself.

as much as you denied it, you wanted him to make time for you too.

the chair he sat on creaked when he turned around to face where the sound of the closing the door originated, behind you. his feline eyes widened in surprise as they focused on you. he braced his hands on the arm rests of his chair, mouth opening and closing as if he didn’t know what he had to say.

“im jaebeom,” you muttered. you barely called him by his full name but at this point you felt like you needed to. “where the fuck have you been?”

“i was here,” he said matter-of-factly. you caught him holding back a flinch upon hearing his full name and the vulgarity of words that left your lips.

he hid it well though.

like the weather outside he was distant, cold.

a familiar feeling, if you were honest.

“and you didn’t bother to tell me?” you asked quietly.

you sat yourself down on the leather couch right opposite mostly to prevent from falling to your knees. you closed your eyes, took in a few more breaths, and continued. “i didn’t even receive a single text from you.”

“i’m sorry,” he said. “but i’ve been really damn busy.”

“yeah, no shit.” you spat, unable to contain your frustration no longer. you set the takeout roughly on the table with a light bang.

“i really have,” he stood from his seat, his height casting a silhouette on you.

you glanced up at him, at his tousled, black strands of hair. he wore no jewellery except the ring on his index finger that you gifted him, as he did whenever he’s working privately. his tired eyes bore no emotion, lips pressed in a firm line to make you aware that his patience was running thin. the dark under-eye circles were evidence of how much sleep he’d lost over the past month.

“all i needed,“ you closed your eyes to get a grip of yourself. “was one single call. but no, nothing from you.”

“i told you—“

“it’s been really damn difficult to be at home,” you gritted your teeth as you let everything that you’ve been feeling pour out from your system. “when i have to wait till three am for you to come home, only to find out you weren’t even going to.”

those delusional nights were the nights that you felt more insecure than you’ve ever been. maybe your lover had found someone else. maybe you just weren’t good enough.

but it wasn’t like that.

he kneeled down in front of you, taking your hands in his own.

you managed to crack his wall that was void of any emotions, a shield you’d learnt how to overcome in the past years by unleashing your own emotions.

whatever you felt, he felt.

long fingers intertwined with yours, dark eyes staring into your own. he shifted himself closer to you until his long torso was between your thighs. you watched as his pupil traced the single tear of exasperation that rolled down your face.

“i’m sorry,” he breathed, letting go of your hands to reach up and wipe that tear away with his thumb. “fuck, i really am sorry.”

“you know,” you told him, your voice unwavering. “you were beginning to make me lose hope in us.”

“no, do not say that,” jaebum shook his head, warm hands cupping your face.

how pathetic you must’ve looked under him. you hated the feeling of weakness and so did he. that was what drew you both apart. especially when you were both in denial of your emotional vulnerability, of your defeat. it definitely took you time to realise that maybe it was okay for you to just feel. exactly like right now.

suddenly, the feeling of longing for him nagged at your chest. disappointment couldn’t help but creep it’s way up into the crevices of your mind. you found yourself questioning the last time you saw him smile and the last time you heard him laugh, always so vocal it reverberated off any surface. you found yourself missing the smile he reserved for only you, the toothy grin he gave only in the privacy of your bedroom.

he released his grip on your face, uncertain on where he wanted to touch you, somewhere that would calm you down. hands found their way back to yours. he held your hand up to his lips and pressed tender kisses on your knuckles.

“jae,” you murmured, shaking your hands free from his grip. his lips parted in surprise as you nudged him back lightly to give yourself space to stand. “this isn’t going to fix anything,” you stalked toward the door. now, your aggravation turned into anger.

truth to be told, this was one of jaebum’s biggest fears. that you’d give up on him and walk away. that you’d leave him and strand him on his own.

but you had no idea about it.

“don’t leave,” he caught your wrist in his hands before you could storm out. “please.”

you were silent.

“i’ll come home with you right after this,” he pleaded, desperation now lacing his voice. “i promise.”

“no, jaebum,” you shook your head. you’ve had quite enough of this. you were here only to check if he was very well alive and to give him the fuel that he needed and missed out on in order to be alive in the first place.

“please,” he shifted his grip to your hand.

he sat down on the leather couch, hand still around yours. he drew you to him until you were on his lap,

wrapping his arms around your waist. you felt his hard chest press against the space between your shoulder blades and you felt the defined crevices of his abs on your lower back.

“i’ll make it up to you,” he whispered in your ear.

secretly you relished the warmth of his body heat, of his strong arms around you. you leaned your head back on his shoulder.

“stay,” he held you tight to him as if you might disappear if he let go.

“okay,” you breathed after a moment of thought.

jaebum exhaled loudly in obvious relief. “fuck, i missed you.”

“you don’t get to pull the ‘i miss you’ thing on me,” you said, still mad at him. your anger tamed down when you saw the pout formed on his lips when he rested his chin on your shoulder. a smile ghosted at the corners of your lips.

“forgive me,” his lips found their way to skin behind your ear, a delicate place he loved kissing.

you sighed, “just this once.”

to be fair, in all the years that you’ve been with him, this was the first time he did this. so you let him off the hook.

you two sat in comfortable silence before he shifted, sitting up and bringing you along with him.

“i made twelve songs,” he told you.

you were so used to telling each other everything it became an instinctive thing, to tell you about his day and what he did. you chuckled at the sudden piece of information.

“let’s hear them,” you said.

“they’re for my mixtape,” he tapped you on the thigh, signalling you to move aside so he could stand.

you watched as he ambled his way over to the control panel in front of the recording room. he hit play with the space button on the keyboard. synth melodies, bass and carefully assembled beats began playing. it never failed to impress you the fact that he did all of this on his own. then came his harmonious voice, a voice so familiar warmth blossomed in your chest upon hearing it.

he propped himself against the edge of the desk to watch your reaction to his craft.

you paid attention to his lyrics. the words and phrases in this song suddenly seemed so personal once you were able to process what they all meant, all the hidden meanings and connotations became crystal clear. these were lyrics he wrote on his experiences with you—he’d based the entire context of this song on it.

the sensual ambience of his song forced you to stand and your hips to sway subtly to the rhythm of his music. you pretended to be nonchalant about the intense stare he had on you, your eyes focused on the screen rather than his gorgeous face.

even then, you could see the corner of his lip lifting into a smirk as he crossed his arms. his t-shirt exposed the stretch of muscle in his forearms that flexed when his hungry eyes slithered down your face to your hips.

he was checking you out.

but of course, you knew that.

it went on for a few minutes. the more songs he played for you, the deeper his eyes burned into your skin.

those eyes were ones you were the most familiar with. those eyes were what you looked for in crowded places, in times you were in doubt. you’ve watched the brown irises in them ignite when he was excited, when he was angry. you’ve watched them soften every time they focused on you. you’ve watched his pupils dilate every time he was turned on or about to drive you insane with desire.

the atmosphere was suddenly heated, the temperature rising by a few degrees. you took off your coat and laid it by the couch as the wooden floor of his studio became your dance floor.

“come here,” you wriggled your finger to gesture him to do so.

like the magnetic force of attraction he seemed to have with you, he did as you said. you fisted your fingers in his shirt and pulled him closer to you. he leaned his forehead down on yours as you two swayed to the music. you danced, his hands on your hips, your arms around his neck.

“shit,” he breathed.

“what, baby?” you whispered, equally as quiet while the music thrummed in the background.

“i didn’t know how much i needed this,” he tipped your head back with a curved index finger under your chin. you felt his half-lidded gaze cut through you like a knife.

“needed what?” you asked.

“needed you,” he murmured.

“jaebeom,” you sighed. your head dropped onto his shoulder, immediately cutting off the gaze you shared with him and breaking his hold on your chin.

there was nothing said after that. he just held you to him, the deep rumble of his breathing gradually becoming louder than the music. your heartbeats were soon in sync with one another like the languid rhythm to which your bodies were swaying. you recognised in the familiar cologne, his favourite cologne while he recognised yours.

“i wrote all these songs,” he said amidst the silence, causing you to look up at him. “about you.”

“me, huh?”

jaebeom leaned down to run his nose on the crook of your neck, breathing you in. it was easy to tell how much he missed you and your scent that enveloped around him like a safety blanket. you were his reassurance that kept him on his feet, a reminder that sometimes he can take it easy. especially with him being a leader and having all the responsibility chucked on his shoulders.

“yeah, you,” he kissed you once on the jaw before retracting himself from you.

you felt a chill slither through you as a response to the loss of the warmth of his body heat. you ran your hands on your arms, trying to replace it.

the music was brought into a halt. the silence became deafening. the hum of electricity fused with yours and jaebeom’s synchronised breaths that left your lips were the only sounds that rang through the four concrete walls of the studio.

“why’d you pause it?” you asked him, a different kind of disappointment poking at your chest. you were definitely enjoying yourself listening to lover’s carefully curated album.

“because,” the screen in front of him turned to black as he shut it down. “i want to take you home, now.”

he made his way toward the switches, flipping each and every one of it off. he left the overhead lights on though, so he could see the shape of your eyes as they narrowed in suspicion and your hips as they angled to one side. he enjoyed watching your attitude shine through the dark, a striking attribute he was drawn to.

“jae...” you trailed off.

“hm?” he was a step away from you and his fingers were itching to reach out to touch you. he gave in, gently taking your hands in both of his. he stood in front of you, face an inch away but a quarter of a head higher.

“what are you doing?” you asked.

“i don’t know,” jaebeom admitted as he shook his head. he kissed the crown of your head, his barely-there stubble scrapping the bridge of your nose slightly. “i just know i want you, right now.”

you were speechless because you knew exactly what he meant.

eyes tracing across his face, you saw his eyes glisten with lust, with excitement. you saw his lips twitch into a brief smirk when he leaned down to capture your lips in his own.

adrenaline rushed through you, his touch spreading a wildfire throughout your body. a sound similar to a whimper broke free from your lips and he swallowed it whole, using this opportunity to glide his tongue across your lower lip.

he was good at this, jaebeom.

good at making your forget everything with the brush of his lips and hands around your waist.

except his absence in the past five few days that seemed to be the reason you were here in the first place.

you tore your lips way from his to catch your breath, looking up into jaebeom’s eyes.

“we can’t,” you said before the situation could escalate. “not here.”

“what?” he asked, disappointed. “why the hell not?”

he’d been dreaming of bending you over and taking you right on his desk in this exact studio under the dim lighting of the ceiling fixtures.

“we’ve got things to do—you’ve got things to do,” you traced your finger across his face, your heart placed at ease at how familiar you were with his features.

“like what?” he looked at the desk to which he created all his music. “i’m almost finished with most of the songs anyway.”

“i’m talking about you, jae.” you pointed at the take out laid on the table behind him. “when was the last time you ate?”

“yesterday night?” jaebeom pondered.

it was ridiculous that he needed to think in order to remember when his last meal was.

you nudged him back so he could sit on the couch. “here—” you the slid container that was filled with food you had specifically ordered for him forward, knowing it was his favourite and that he needed it. “—eat this.”

“you always take care of me,” he shook his head as if he was ashamed of himself. “where will i be without you, huh?”

for an unclear reason, you avoided meeting his eyes as you let the question drift rhetorically in midair.

he brushed off your ignorance and indulged himself in his food, eating in silence.

you sat down next to him, leaning back on the couch. his back was curved over his knees while he ate, hiding you from his line of vision.

“baby,” he murmured.

there was something so affectionate and loving about the way he said it that you couldn’t help but rest your elbows on your thighs just so you could angle your head to the side in order to look him in the eye.

“yeah?”

“i’m sorry,” he said.

“it’s okay—“

“it’s okay—“

“no,” he shook his head. “it was completely unacceptable for me to keep you in the dark for so long,” it seemed the effect of his absence on you still burdened him, that the short silence while he was eating allowed him to really think through everything. “and i know sex wouldn’t resolve it.”

“jaebeom,” you reached forward to cup his cheek. “i forgive you. besides, i’m here already, am i not?”

he chuckled and began to pack up the takeout all in the bag, tossing it into the bin next to the couch. he turned back to you, swiping a thumb over your bottom lip while his eyes lingered on your face.

“you lost so much of sleep,” he pointed out as he identified the dark circles under your eyes. “because of me.”

“i’m used to it,” you shrugged.

then there was silence again, the fact that he indirectly admitted he was horny looming over you both.

you climbed over him out of impulse, immediately straddling his lap. surprise splashed across his features, his jaw dropping slightly into a gape. you smiled a little at his reaction, your arms snaking around his neck.

“quit stressing,” you said. you felt his hands rest on your hips to keep you from falling.

“it’s really difficult not to—i’m stressed that my music isn’t good enough,” he sighed. “and i’m stressed that i might hurt you, ” he lifted a hand to push a stray hair away from your eyes. “it seems i already have.”

“no,” you placed a hand on his shoulders, massaging it to relieve it from tension.

“ye—ah—“ he squeezed his eyes shut in relaxation and threw his head back onto the edge couch. “—yes.”

“jae,” you gave him a solemn look although he clearly wasn’t paying attention.

“if i could’ve just picked up the ph—“

“jae,” you repeated more firmly this time.

“what?” he said.

“shut up,” you said.

“okay,” he chuckled, fingers tightening around your hips.

you worked your hands on his shoulders for a little longer, your eyebrows drawn together as you loosened all the knots formed by stress in the planes of his muscles. a sigh escaped your lips the moment your hands released his shoulders.

a few seconds later, you found, his eyes had almost been drawn into a close. he was exhausted and obviously, you knew that. his hands were still on your waist as his head dropped forward onto your shoulder.

“hey,” you murmured, running your fingers through his hair. “come on, it’s getting late. i’ll drive the both of us home, you can get your car tomorrow.”

he groaned your name, followed by a string of words you couldn’t really decipher.

a grunt, as unattractive as it was, left your lips as you lifted jaebum up from the couch with his arm slung around your shoulders.

“i can walk myself, you know.”

“oh, so you can speak now,” you teased him.

“i’m not drunk,” he nuzzled his head in your neck.

“you’re tired,” you glanced sideways at him.

“that, i am.”

“let’s go,” you grabbed your coat in your other hand, while the other supported half of his weight.

“wait,” he dragged you along with him to the switches by the wall. “i need to turn this off or the electricity bill will injure my bank account.”

you chuckled, shaking your head. “you’re crazy.”

“crazy for you,” he murmured, making you roll your eyes.

everything was pitch black and neither of you could see as you two made your way to the front door where light leaked through the edges.

“ow!” he screamed next to you as his movements jerked the both of you to the side. “my shin—fuck.”

you held back a laugh, cupping your hand over your mouth.

“fuck, it hurts,” he hissed, crouching down and bringing you down with him to check his on his so-called injury. “i’m literally going to destroy this damn table.”

“jae, we have to go,” you shook your head, a smile on your face despite the fact that neither of you could see.

Your heart hammered in your throat as you waited for the doctor to see you. The exam bed’s paper liner crinkled loudly whenever you fidgeted in place, the only sound in the room other than the quiet rasp of your labored breathing.  

It was hard, sitting alone like this. It always was. With nothing to occupy your thoughts, you inevitably ended up in a spiral of confusion, hurt, and damned foolish hope. It was going to be the hope that killed you, even before the tangled weeds in your lungs.  

You swallowed with difficulty and looked at the pamphlet clutched in your hands. You’d read it cover to cover countless times already, to the point that you’d nearly memorized it. But without anything else to occupy you and help settle your nerves, you found yourself skimming through it again. 

The treatment section was just as brief and perfunctory as before, but you read the description for the surgical treatment again and again, as if hoping to glean some new information from it. Instead, your eyes kept tripping over the same lines. 

The surgery permanently removes the flowers from the patient’s respiratory system. However, many recipients of the surgery note that they also stop experiencing the love that induced their illness.

You felt your lungs constrict, and this time you knew it had nothing to do with your illness. It was pitiful, downright pathetic. And more than anything, it was pure foolishness. But as you read that line again and again, you couldn’t help but think about everything you’d be leaving behind. 

Smiles, sunshine, warmth and familiarity. Wishes made and fulfilled. There was no denying that the past couple of months had been some of the worst in your life, but when you thought of Jaebum, you felt so much that you ached with it. It was practically a part of you, and even though it was a part of you that hurt, you instinctively cringed away from the idea of having it forcibly removed from you.

But failing to follow through with the procedure would surely be the death of you. And that was the thing, wasn’t it? This was your final choice: life, but not as you knew it, or death. And damn it all, you couldn’t tell what would be worse. 

A quiet knock on the door and the sound of your name snapped you out of what surely would have become a full-fledged existential crisis. 

The doctor slipped inside the exam room and quietly shut the door behind her. She looked at you with the kind of expression one might have if they were talking to a spooked animal. Your eyes felt too wide, your breathing still labored, so you figured she had every right to look at you like that. 

“How are you doing?” she asked. When you didn’t respond right away, she looked down at your hands, white-knuckled and all but mangling the pamphlet, and sighed. “You’ve expressed interest in getting a flosectomy. I take it you’ve read about the surgery and its side effects?”

You followed her gaze down to the pamphlet. To remove the flowers is to remove the love that nurtured them. To remove a part of yourself. 

What’s worse? Living without a part of yourself, or death?

Maybe if it had been any other part of you, you would have answered differently. 

Your fingers clamped hard around the paper, and you bolted up from the exam bed so quickly that you startled both yourself and the doctor. 

“I’m sorry, I think there’s been a mistake. I have to go.”

The doctor frowned but didn’t seem as surprised as you expected, and you guessed ruefully that this wasn’t the first time she’d seen this. 

"I'm sorry to say this, but your choices are quite limited at this point. Are you sure you want to leave?" Her voice was terribly gentle, and you clenched your jaw. 

"I'll figure something out," you said, firm in spite of the fear that was trying to crawl up your throat. The doctor still looked at you with doubt and concern even as she stepped aside to let you out the door. 

You kept your face down as you hurried out of the clinic. Your eyes pricked with tears and your face burned with shame. You knew— you knew— that you were making a foolish decision, but you wanted nothing more than to retreat to the safety of your home. 

Your mind replayed the nurses’ pitying looks on a loop all the way until you made it back to your apartment building. The memories— and all higher brain function— came to a screeching halt when you saw who was sitting with his back against your front door. 

Jaebum looked terrible. He was pale, anemic, a shadow of his usual self. His hair was disheveled, as if he’d been running his hands through it, and though he sat with his head tilted down, you could still make out the clear signs of fatigue on his face. 

You came to an uncertain stop a few feet away. After the sting of what happened at the clinic, you weren’t sure if you could handle seeing him. Yet even as you considered turning him away, you felt a sharp pang of longing. You’d wanted to see him for so long, and here he was, waiting at your doorstep, and here you were, unable to close the distance between you. 

Before you could fully make up your mind, Jaebum finally noticed you. His head snapped up, and he scrambled to his feet and began to reach out to you when he stopped short, arm awkwardly hovering between you two.

“I thought—” His voice came out rough and strangled, and he had to clear his throat and try again. “I thought you were home. I tried calling, but it just kept going straight to voicemail. I…” He trailed off, and you couldn’t tell if it was because he was at a loss of words or just didn’t have the energy to keep talking. He looked small and fragile, so unlike the Jaebum you knew that your stomach turned icy from the sheer wrongness of it all. Just like that, your conflicted emotions were overshadowed by a strong surge of concern, and you took an unconscious half step forward.

“What’s wrong?” you asked, feeling dread creep up your throat. “Did something happen?”

He didn’t answer immediately. His mouth twisted into a small, wretched frown, and he seemed impossibly to shrink further in on himself.

He looked down. “I broke up with her.”

Your breath left your lungs in a woosh. It was like a bucket of water had been dumped on you. You couldn’t decide if you were frustrated over the fact that the man who’d put you through so much emotional turmoil would turn up at your doorstep looking for comfort or just relieved that he’d shown up at all after weeks of silence, that he still considered you a safe haven. You couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry, so instead you just stayed silent.

For a long moment, the two of you stood there, unable to say anything. You could only stare at Jaebum, who kept his eyes fixed on the ground between you. 

Finally, you took a deep breath and slowly forced it out through your nose, piecing together your calm. “I’m sorry—”

“Don’t apologize.” Jaebum’s head snapped up, and you were unprepared for the intensity of the emotion in his face. You flinched, and Jaebum’s lips tugged down into a small frown.

“You don’t owe anyone an apology,” he said again, quieter but no less insistent. “I came here to apologize to you.” 

You opened your mouth to speak, but he plowed on. “What I did that day wasn’t fair to either of you.” Your face flushed at the mention of the almost-kiss. “I’m so sorry about that day— about everything. I’m sorry for pushing you away. I just…” He let out an aggravated sigh and ran his fingers through his hair. “I thought I could get over you.” He laughed bitterly. “Obviously, it didn’t work.”

Your heart leapt into your throat and you took another half-step forward. “I don’t want you to get over me.” The words were so raw and desperate that it took you a moment to realize that you were the one who said them. Jaebum blinked, shocked by your outburst, and you felt your face burn with shame. 

Neither of you said anything. You heard a door slam shut down the hall and flinched, suddenly very aware of where you were. You sighed.

“Let’s talk about this inside. There’s no need to let my neighbors hear everything.”

Jaebum nodded wordlessly and stepped aside so you could unlock your door. His brows were knitted in thought as he followed you inside and trailed after you into the living room. You stood tensely across from each other, and it felt every bit like a standoff. Your hands hung limply by your sides, fingers itching for something— anything— to take your nervous energy out on. The silence was heavy, and you watched Jaebum’s face, desperately waiting for him to break the silence. 

He did, with a sad sigh that he seemed to deflate with.

“To be honest,” he said, voice quiet, “I didn’t want to get over you either. I just had few choices left.”

You shook your head, at a loss. “I don’t understand.”

Jaebum sighed again and sank unsteadily onto the couch. “I tried to tell you before, when—” He stopped and cleared his throat. “Before. And I was too much of a coward to tell you after.”

You slowly perched on the opposite end of the couch, your eyes never once leaving his face. “What did you want to tell me?” Your voice was barely above a whisper. 

He looked down. “She was great. She is great. And when we started dating, it felt like a no-brainer. We just clicked, you know?” He didn’t look at you while he spoke, and you were grateful. You couldn’t help the way your lips twisted and your heart sank as he spoke of her. 

“And when we were dating, I didn’t get to spend much time with you. I felt so guilty about it, but as time went on, I started to realize that you were doing just fine without me. We barely talked, but you were so perfectly understanding and normal and fine with it all. But then I started to realize that I wasn’t fine without you.”

You sat perfectly still, unable to move, unable to think of anything but what he was telling you. 

“I…” He paused and scrubbed a hand over his face. “I began to develop a cough.”

There was something in the way he said it, in the way he chanced a glance up at you, looking so vulnerable that you knew without a doubt what he meant. Your heart hammered against your ribcage as you thought of Jaebum, happy and dating a wonderful person and still coughing flowers out of his lungs. 

“I tried throwing myself into my relationship. I thought that maybe, if I just tried harder, I could make myself love her. I hoped it would help, but it didn’t. The more time I spent with her, the more I realized that I wanted to be with you. And then that day came, and it was the best I’d felt in ages. It felt… right. Like it was natural to be with you. It was perfect.”

He laughed mirthlessly. “And then I ruined it. I betrayed someone who trusted me, and I betrayed you.”

Jaebum sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face again, and you realized with a start that his eyes were bright with unshed tears. 

“I came here today because I needed to talk to you. I needed to tell you the truth. My…” He exhaled shakily. “My symptoms are getting worse, and I don’t think I have a lot of time left. I know I only have one choice, but I needed to tell you first. I needed you to know everything before I went through with the surgery.”

Your heart raced so fiercely that you felt dizzy with it. You couldn’t find any words to say. So much of this seemed fake, too much like something you dreamed of at night when you were too sick and afraid to resist the temptation. You were terrified that he’d gone through all of this, that you’d both come so close to losing so much. And yet, you were elated, too, your chest growing tight with this treacherous blooming hope in spite of yourself. But even more, you felt ashamed. Ashamed of your silence, ashamed of the fact that you’d faced the very same decision Jaebum did and decided to keep it all a secret. 

Wordlessly, you pulled the wilted clinic pamphlet from your coat pocket and held it out to him. He looked at you, frowning in confusion, and hesitantly reached out to take it. His brows creased as he read, looking at first puzzled and then horrified once he realized what it meant. 

Jaebum looked up at you, expression open and vulnerable and hurt. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, voice barely above a whisper. 

You sighed and looked away, fixing your eyes on a tiny chip in the corner of your coffee table. 

“For the same reason as you, I guess. You were happy. You didn’t need me. And I didn’t want to hold you back.”

The tension was thick, and you kept your eyes fixed on the table, afraid of watching his hurt morph into anger.

“Did you do it?” he asked, voice breaking at the end. 

You shook your head fervently. “No. I couldn’t.” 

You saw him move out of the corner of your eye and reflexively flinched, but when his hands grasped your shoulders, he pulled you in and crushed you against his chest in a desperate embrace. Without even thinking, your fingers tangled in his shirt, pulling him close and holding him as if your life depended on it.

“We’ll have to talk about how stupid we’ve been,” he said, voice thick with emotion. “And we’ll have to promise to be honest with each other from now on.”

Tears pricked your eyes, and you laughed from the sheer relief of it all. 

“God, I love you,” he said, hushed and close to your ear. “I love you so much it’s become a part of me. I never want to lose what I feel for you.”

You closed your eye as a tear slipped down your cheek. “Me, too,” you said. “I love you, Jaebum.”

As you held each other close, you screwed your eyes shut and thought to yourself, I hope we’ll always love like this. 

Time flew by. It seemed like yesterday you were walking the halls of your high school. Now almost ten years later you were attending a gathering with a whole bunch of high school classmates. Truth be told, you rarely attended these activities. Any alumni events you strictly avoided. It wasn’t because you were an unsociable person or that you were above these kind of activities. Nor was it due to the fact that you lacked friends. It was because seeing everyone, reminiscing on high school in general, reminded you of someone who left such a deep mark, perhaps you could even call it a scar, on your heart that had you subconsciously avoiding all these events. Not the mark everyone was used to though.

It was the other mark, the one that changed your life forever, that everyone knew. The mark of your soulmate. You remember the pain you felt the day of your graduation. It wasn’t caused by the mark itself but because of the heartbreak that shortly followed after.

No one expected you to walk through the doors of the bar. As you made your rounds greeting people you were welcomed with enthusiastic smiles, warm embraces and shocked expressions. Yet you couldn’t shake the unease you felt. Each person who tapped your shoulder or called your name you were afraid it would be him. However, you heard from your close friend that he rarely attended these events as well. In fact no one, including yourself, had heard from him since graduation. Tonight’s gathering had been planned on short notice so there was no way he’d show up if he hadn’t been before.

It had almost been a decade since graduating high school, and everyone had changed. Some were now doctors, others worked for the government, became school teachers. Some even had kids, a family. Though professionally everyone seemed to be doing well, some were still in search of their soulmate. The one that would finally complete them. Someone to give even more meaning to their lives. In your society, it didn’t matter if you were a famous entrepreneur, a socialite or a well known surgeon.  If you weren’t with a soulmate or had a soulmate marking you weren’t ‘complete’. You had been lucky. At least that’s what everyone else thinks. You had received your soulmate mark at a young age. You were barely even legal yet had developed the soulmate mark prematurely. While everyone else congratulated you, wishing you all the best and genuine happiness for you. You felt different about it. Not the ordinary elated feeling most people described. Because to you, the mark had sentenced you to a lifetime of heartache.

“Well I’ll be damned,” You heard the hushed murmurs and gasps. You followed everyone’s gaze as they all looked towards the door. “Hell must have frozen over because we have both Y/N and JB making an appearance tonight!” your old classmate Jackson announced to the group.

Your entire body went numb, brain blacking out as you heard his name. It was like a dream for him to appear in front of you like this. After all these years, seeing him for the first time since that dreadful day you found out that the man you loved basically all your life; The man who had once been the most important person to you, was not your soulmate.

You were in love with him. Truly and madly. You had been so sure because of your feelings for one another. The love shared between you two felt that it was meant to be spent together for the rest of your lives. That JB’s mark would appear on your wrist. But it wasn’t his mark.

Your breath hitches as he walks towards you. Years may have passed since the last time you saw each other yet nothing had changed. Your heart still races just by looking at him, giddiness spreads through your body, yearning. His appearance was untouched by the years gone by, aside from the hint of maturity that usually comes with time.He makes his way through the crowd and briefly,  a fleeting second his gaze lands on you. At that moment you feel like your heart is about to pop out of your chest and directly to him. The second quickly passes and you wonder if he saw you or if you were just another face in the crowd. You feel the inexplicable feeling of disappointment as he does so.

“I can’t believe JB showed up,” you hear someone mumble. Though you weren’t sure if it was directed towards you or someone else, you remained completely unresponsive as your gaze followed his every movement.

The singles, the ones without a soulmate, surrounded JB. He had been everyone’s dream boy. Infatuated by JB and with hopes that fate would reveal that he was their half. However, that wasn’t the case. JB was a nomad. This meant he would spend the rest of his life searching for his soulmate but it would never be revealed. The arrow that appeared on his wrist a few weeks after yours indicated that, everyone knew what it meant though it was never admitted out loud. Your heart had broke for him when you heard the news from others. By then, you and JB had already split. It would have been easier if he had found his soulmate too. That way you two could both move on with the one that you were meant to be with. Knowing that he was bound to never find his half made things even harder for you to be apart from him.

“JB and Y/N showed. This calls for a celebration!” Jackson raised his glass, the rest of your classmates joining in his toast.

You took a seat at the long table. Two acquaintances flanking your sides. It was better that way though. You  may have had only one or two conversations with either of them back in the days but it was better than having JB near you. Though he sat on the opposite side of the table  just diagonal from you. He still didn’t look at you. He sat there casually conversing in small talk with the ones who sat near him. Once again feeling the disappointment from the lack of his attention. Here you were on edge, reacting and responding to every movement of his body. He still had the same effect over you but it was clear that your presence didn’t phase him the same way.

You hadn’t said a word since JB came through the door. “Y/N, I heard you are finally getting married. That’s great! You had your soulmate marking for so long,” the person beside you shifted in their seat, trying to think of any conversation topic to break your silence.

Immediately the rest of the table started to express their excitement for you. All except for one. Now you wished his gaze wasn’t on you.

“You’re getting married?” He finally speaks to you.

The table falls silent. Everyone forgot that there was a thing between you and JB. Eyes widening, others turning their direction to another beside them. Some taking long sips from their drinks as an awkward atmosphere began to loom over the entire room. You could only nod. Pierced by his gaze, you couldn’t even find the voice to answer him with words.

“I see, congrats.” There was a smile on his face, but no warmth in his tone nor behind his expression.

“T-thanks,” you manage to stutter.

“You were so lucky to find your soulmate so early,” one of the single girls pouted.

“How does it feel?” Another asks, “Is it like what they say?”

“It’s nice. Just a lot to take in I guess,” you answer watching as JB’s attention turns away from you as he takes a long pull from his beer bottle. Your phone vibrates on the table, a loud text chime.

“Excuse me,” You say as you get up from your seat using that as an excuse to get away from the soulmate interrogation. In reality, it was a promotion text from your phone company nothing important or pressing. You simply needed a reason to escape their curiosity and more specifically, get away from JB.

You never thought  that you would reencounter JB, especially here of all places. No wonder you avoided going to these. As soon as you stepped away from the lounge area towards the hallways that led to the bathrooms it felt like you could finally breathe again. You thought it was the bass from the music but turns out it was the rapid beating of your heart that you could hear. After calming down a little, you pulled out your phone. Maybe it was best to call for a ride home. Before you knew what was happening you were pushed against the wall by a large hand. You gasped in surprise, looking up to see JB standing in front of you.

You trembled slightly as you looked into his evocative eyes. All the nerves, all the feelings you had tried to calm down resurfacing again. Being so close to him, face inches away from yours bringing about suppressed emotions and feelings.

When he remained silent, pressing you into place you took it upon yourself to say something, “JB,” it was the first time you had spoken his name in so long.

“Are you avoiding me?” He asks, his hand slips from the wall to wrap around  your waist and instead of pushing him away you shudder at his touch.

“No - why would I?” You reply, voice shaking and lacking the confidence you hoped to deliver.

He looks at you,  eyes searching yours before he drops his forehead to yours. “God, I missed you,” he says with a magnetic voice. Pulling everything, all your willpower, everything that you tried to suppress, the emotions, the feelings, most importantly the love you had for him all gravitating towards him. How could this feeling, this right here between you two, not be destined for each other? How could he not be the one you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with? Your hands move to grip at his shirt, not saying anything you all but cling to him. Even if only for a brief moment you let yourself stay like this until you hear the sounds of footsteps approaching. With that you push away from him before you get caught as you rush out of the enclosed space and out into the open. Back to watchful and curious eyes to hold yourself accountable before you made a huge mistake.

Unable to bear the heartache again and after a moment of thought you decided to leave. Quickly mumbling quick goodbyes to everyone. Baffling everyone by your abrupt exit. JB was too dangerous. A pit that you could easily fall into but never get out of. You thought after all these years you could forget everything but you only fooled yourself as the same intense feelings came back as soon as you saw him. The same bewitchment as you had back then. His scent, the way his hand felt on your waist awakening memories that poured into your mind like a flood rushing out of a broken dam.

After graduation, after you broke up you believed that you would never see JB again. He even disappeared, no one knew where he’d gone. Now suddenly he returned but why? For what? All the questions that pounded at you were torment. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. You had your soulmate. Despite everything you had to let go of JB, had to come to terms just like seven years ago, that it could never be him. No matter how much you loved him, or he you, you could never be together because fate decided it wasn’t supposed to be. After all you had been through with him, fate or whatever it was determined that you were supposed to marry another man, live a comfortable life with another for all your remaining years.

Your fiancé, Jungkook, was a good man. He was younger than you but sweet nonetheless. You remember the day he met you, the electricity that ran through your veins after interacting. Physically you could feel the pull towards him and you grew to love him as time passed. Knew he could provide for you, make you feel comfortable and even be a good father to your future kids. But to love him the way you loved JB? That couldn’t compare. You and Jungkook had been together a long time now, almost for as long as you’ve been apart from JB. Despite your hesitation and reluctance in the beginning, loving Jungkook had just happened. It felt easy to love him. Your feelings didn’t just stem from the soulmate link. It wasn’t full of heartache, deep yearning and intense emotion. Your love with Jungkook was light, simple. Where JB’s love left you broken, Jungkook seemed to mend it. He did more than just complete you, he complimented your very being. Two pieces that made each other’s life whole. Your love for the two men was like night and day. Two opposites, never destined to share the same moment.

When you returned home, it was completely dark inside. Jungkook was probably still finishing his shift at work. You had just finished getting ready for bed when your phone started to ring from an unfamiliar number.

“Hello?”

“I’m downstairs,” JB spoke through the phone but before you could respond the other line went dead.

You couldn’t go downstairs and see him, but if you didn’t would he wait? You could have blamed curiosity but truth be told, you just wanted to see his face again. There wasn’t even a moment of hesitation as you wrapped yourself in a jacket. Rationalizing to yourself that if you didn’t go downstairs Jungkook might come home and see him. That was all, you’d tell JB to leave. Sure enough, JB was there leaning against his car.

When he heard your footsteps he lifted his head. Damn those eyes, damn that wickedly alluring smile that planted on his face the moment he saw you.

“Thought I’d have to climb the fire escape like what I used to do when I snuck into your room,” he huffs.

“That was a long time ago.”

“You’re still the same as before. You haven’t changed a bit,” he gazes at you, eyes full of emotions too complicated to even describe.

“What do you want?” You respond with a bitter smile. You can’t take it upon yourself to reminisce with him, to talk to him about the past or the present knowing that he wasn’t your future.

“You,” JB says with the utmost sincerity. “I want you, Y/N. I love you. ”

You almost lose your mind upon hearing those words. You two had been separated for almost a decade. You hadn’t even spoke to each other, knew nothing of what those years apart had done to him but you knew what it did to you. You couldn’t go through it all again.

JB had been the most important person in your life all those years ago. With him you had experienced all sorts of feelings-  love, longing, hurt. Now he stood here in front of you telling you that after all these years he still wanted you. He still loved you.

“Please don’t do this JB. We aren’t teens anymore, we aren’t soulmates,” your voice hoarse as you broke you gaze.

“Fuck that,” JB snaps, “It’s my life. I don’t care what these markings say. I know that my feelings for you will never go away. Believe me, for the past decade I’ve been trying to fight against this. But I’m tired. I want to fight this with you. I want you by my side and no one else,”

“JB…” Your chest aches, you want to believe in his words. That the two of you could defy the odds, go against everything you had learned and were destined for but you couldn’t. It wasn’t as easy for you as it was for him. You had someone else to consider, you had Jungkook. Despite your feelings you couldn’t bring yourself to do that to Jungkook. “I’m getting married to my soulmate. We both know that we can’t be together and the hurt from being apart from each other reminds us of that every day. Our love is destined not to work. I have a soulmate. He’s good, he loves me more than anything in this world and I want to respect him. So please, let us go,”

When he was silent you thought you made yourself very clear, so unwillingly you turned to go back inside. JB grabbed your hand to stop you.

“JB -” you could barely finish your sentence as JB pulled you into an embrace. Holding you tightly as your face pressed against his broad chest. As much as you wished you could hold it in, the comfort, the familiar warm embrace had tears well up in your eyes. You cursed, this was wrong. You couldn’t. You had to keep repeating it to yourself that he wasn’t the one. That you shouldn’t be in his arms when you were supposed to be with Jungkook. As you sobbed JB closed his arms around you even more, neither of you willing to let go. He hugged you tightly, he learned from the years apart. He wasn’t going to let you go as easily ever again. No one could take you from him.

Then you heard a familiar voice from behind, “What are you doing?”

Startled, you pushed against JB as you turned to see Jungkook standing not far behind you two. In his hand was a bag full of your favorite snacks. As the initial wave of surprised vanished you snapped back into reality. Shoving JB away from you, creating distance.

“Jungkook.. it’s.. I.. I can explain,”

Jungkook’s gaze shifted towards JB then back at you, “I’m listening,” His voice surprisingly calm.

Before you could say anything, JB suddenly opened his mouth to speak interrupting you before you even had the chance to explain yourself, “Y/N is mine,”  Upon hearing his statement you felt like your head was going to explode.

Having heard JB’s open declaration the tenderness drained from Jungkook’s eyes, turning to animosity.  “Y/N, who the hell is this guy?”

“He’s my.. high school classmate,” your voice wavering as you spoke. It was half the truth.

“I’m the love of her life,” JB corrected, a hauty smile tugging at the corner of his lips as he sees the widened expression on Jungkook’s face. “You didn’t know? Hasn’t Y/N ever mentioned the man she loved deeply?”

“Is it true?” Jungkook asks with little warmth behind his tone.

“Jungkook…” you lower head, embarrassed and apologetic because it was all true.

It’s all the confirmation Jungkook needs. His gaze turning back to JB, eyes narrowing. “I believe you used the word ‘loved’. Past tense,” Jungkook says, catching you off guard as you look up at him. “And seeing that she’s marrying me and that I’m her soulmate technically, she’s mine.”

“Why don’t we ask Y/N?” And as JB said that both gazes turned to you.

“Stop this both of you. I’m not a toy. I’m not some property either of you can claim,” You huff. You walk over to Jungkook, grabbing the bag of snacks with one hand and his hand with the other. You pull him towards the direction of the apartment, side eyeing JB.

“Wait,” Jungkook says tugging against your hand, knowing that however this played out he won solely because he was your soulmate. To show it he brought his lips down to yours. Pulling you in for a kiss, wrapping his arm around your waist as he brought your body close. Just like all the other times and when you first kissed, you feel the immediate pull between you two. No doubt the soulmate bond between you linking you both physically, the chemistry between you undeniable. The way his lips melded with yours like perfect puzzle pieces and you can’t help but meld into him, returning the movement of his lips with yours. When he feels you yield and giving into him, he pulls away. A cocky smirk on his face as he turns his direction towards the person you had forgotten was standing there. “You like what you see?”

Your eyes widen, panic in your stomach as you remember that JB was here. However, it isn’t hurt on JB’s face nor is it anger. It’s amusement. His hands are relaxed, tucked into the front pocket of his jeans.

“I like knowing that I can do better,” He says as steps towards you both.

Jungkook scoffs, “I’d like to see you try,” Putting aside the fact that intimacy between two soulmates was unlike no other, Jungkook was confident enough in his own skills as he challenged JB to try and beat that.

Before you could even process what was happening JB snakes his hand to the small of your back pulling you against him. You try and push against him even as he lowers his head, lips hovering just above yours. Just what was JB doing in front Jungkook? Why was Jungkook even letting him get this close to you? Then JB’s lips took yours.

Caught unexpectedly, the force of the kiss has you rocking back on your heels but your balanced as he brings you against him. You stiffen, unrelenting as his mouth moves against yours, unlike earlier you were well aware that Jungkook stands within arms length between the both of you.

“Looks like you can’t do better,” You hear Jungkook tease behind you.

JB pulls away, gazing at you. Lips parted as he brings his hands to cup your cheeks, “Show him how much you want me,” he murmurs.

You glance hesitantly towards Jungkook who’s grinning smugly, arms folded over his chest. “Go on baby,” he encourages.

JB doesn’t wait, his lips meeting yours again. Kissing you with determination not only to prove it to Jungkook but to remind you how much he affects you. It’s crazy or is this all a dream? Did you doze off as soon as you got home? It was real. JB’s lips against yours and Jungkook’s observant eyes watching the two of you. You remain hesitant even while his lips try to entice.

“Kiss me Y/N,” he murmurs, his tongue coaxes along your lower bottom lip and it’s the tipping point. You clutch at the material of his jacket. Clinging to him as you begin to return the kiss. The rekindling familiarity of his lips as it moved with yours. Years of longing and need resurfacing as you both hungrily satiated yourselves with the kiss. His hands move from your cheek, down your sides as your body moulds against him. There’s a low moan in the back of your throat that forms as his tongue meets yours languidly. One hand fists in the back of your hair while the other moves to cup against your ass. Soft kisses with subtle nibbles of your bottom lip claim you once more as you grip the lapels of  his jacket.

“Ahem,”

The sound startles you and instantly you pull away, breathless. Immediately you turn to look at Jungkook ready to face the pained look on his face or the wrath in his eyes but to your surprise his face is stoic. His next sentence catching you off guard even more.

“Let’s take this inside before the neighbors question us,” He tilts his head in the direction of the apartment, hands digging into his pockets as he turns. You’re confused. Did he mean all of you? JB grabs your hand as if to answer your confusion as he leads you towards your apartment.

Jungkook unlocks the door letting you all in. He tosses the keys onto the counter, undoing the buttons of his shirt as if he’s at ease. There’s no words said between the three of you. You never anticipated having Jungkook and JB in the same room even more so like this. JB glances around taking in the home you built with Jungkook. There’s pictures of you two on the wall, the mantel, the little side tables. Each of them showing milestones, the love grown between you two. What those pictures didn’t show were the feelings behind the smile. The unease and doubt. The lingering feelings for JB, the what ifs and could have beens. Only you knew.

You can’t help but avoid meeting  JB’s gaze yet your hand still remained entwined with his. Feeling as if you got caught living a double life. However that wasn’t the case, JB had entered you and Jungkook’s world.

“Cute place,” JB comments.

“It’s cozy for us,” Jungkook answers as he leans against the arm of the sofa.

“You still have him,” JB says as he notices the stuffed animal that lied on the couch behind Jungkook’s body. You see the flicker in Jungkook’s eyes and feel the small seed of guilt. JB remembered the trouble he went through to win it for you during a festival one year. Yet he couldn’t forget the smile on your face as he handed it to you. Now after all these years, amongst you and Jungkook’s items, there was still a piece of you and him. He still lingered. You hadn’t let go of him completely and even by the way you kissed him back he knew. He still had a part of you too. JB knew that Jungkook wanted to see how much and he was damn well going to make sure he proved it.

“Baby,” Jungkook says, emphasizing your nickname that you call each other. For some reason it makes you blush, JB hated pet names when you were together. Yet when it rolled off Jungkook’s tongue it made you giddy. You feel JB’s hand tighten around yours as if reminding you he was still there. “I’m okay with this if you are,” Jungkook’s gaze moves to JB, indifference in his eyes and face. “If she doesn’t want you then you’ll leave her alone,”

“Tell us, baby.” JB mocks, finding amusement in the way Jungkook’s eyes narrow. “Do you want me?”

You hesitate, glancing back and forth between the two of them. When neither of them say anything, nor object you realize the ball is in your court. JB’s hand is warm as it holds yours. You draw comfort from it. The slow circles of his thumb against the surface of your hand enough to entice you. Stoking your wants. Your hidden desires. You make eye contact with Jungkook who awaits your choice. Looking for any hesitation on his face or unease when you find none you answer. Trying to steady the sound of your voice.

“I want him,” Hell, after the way he kissed you moments ago you need him.

Jungkook eyes you evenly and you’re left holding your breath. Wondering if you had just jeopardized everything. You don’t know why you relax when you see the amusement light up again in Jungkook’s eyes and the way his posture eases. Your sex life with Jungkook was never mediocre but this? This had to be the most risqué thing you two had ever done. Though this would never happen or even be a thought in your mind if it wasn’t JB.

“You heard her,” Jungkook muses gesturing to JB, “Give her what she wants,” He says as he moves to sit on the adjacent sofa. He relaxes, eyeing the two of you evenly. There’s a certain confidence that’s radiating off him. A side of Jungkook you had never seen and to you it’s attractive. A sex appeal that surprises you and never expected to come from him.

JB rolls his eyes before he turns to face you, a grin on his face. Your heart is beating fast, everything is quiet around you except for the steady sound of everyone’s breathing. Jungkook is quiet, silently watching as JB faces you. JB sees it as a challenge. Knowing he’s being watched to see how fast he can get you riled up. Jungkook was underestimating him. He may not be your soulmate but it didn’t mean he didn’t know your body, your sweet spots and the way to illicit the most lewd sounds from you. He was going to make sure Jungkook heard every one of them coming from you lips.

He pulls you in for a kiss, palms finding purchase on your hips guiding you towards him. His lips move languidly against yours, savouring your familiar taste, the fullness of your lips and the way it melds with his. You moan as his tongue traces the seal of your lips coaxing you. He only had to kiss and he could imagine Jungkook behind him frowning, if he wasn’t so preoccupied he would have shot a smug grin over his shoulder but instead he maneuvered you towards the couch. Lips never leaving yours. Your body laid soft on the cushions, his body over top yours. His hand slips under your sweater, over your hip, caressing towards your mid section and higher until his hand is filled with supple flesh of your breast. You groan, nipping his bottom lip with your teeth as you arch into his hand. With his body on top of yours his knee positions between your legs and as he expected you began to grind against it. Hips raising as you grind and he knows its to soothe whatever ache he’s building up for you. He knows soon you’ll grow frustrated, impatient when it does little to ease especially with the barriers of clothing between you two. For Jungkook’s sake, JB planned to drag it out for as long as he could. He was going to savour the time he had with you. For just this moment you were his again. It was his name that left your lips in heavy pants and sighs as he kisses your collarbone, as he drags your sweater over your body and feasts his mouth on your skin. Marking you, claiming you once again, rediscovering every surface of your body.

You never thought you’d have this again. Not with him. There had been countless amount of times before you met Jungkook, during the time you had separated from JB, that you wished to feel his lips, his warm embrace and the intimacy between you two. Now you clung to him with fervor, relished in the feeling like an addict about to have the last high before going on the straight and narrow. All you could think of were his hot open-mouthed kisses on your skin, igniting a fire everywhere he touched and explored. His fingers hook in the waistband of your lounge shorts, drawing them down. Kneeling before you as his kisses trail down your abdomen. Inching closer and closer to where he had yet to touch but where you needed him most.

His hands caress your thighs until tucking behind your knees as he pushes your legs apart. Through hooded lashes he looks up to see your face, taking in the view of you pliant and needy before him. Your breaths are shallow with anticipation. He toys with you. Pushing aside your panties and you groan as he barely comes in contact with your core.

“JB,” you plead. His arms are looped around your thighs, you’re spread in front of him yet nothing. Barely even a breath against your core and you know he’s doing it purposely. You know what he awaits and longs for. He wants your command, he wants Jungkook to hear you beg for him the way you have done so many times before. “JB eat me out please,”

“I’m glad you haven’t forgotten your manners,” JB chuckles. Jungkook scoffs in the distance further adding to his satisfaction.

“Fuck!” You rasp when his tongue finally swipes up your core. Hands fisting in his hair as reflex. Your heads falls back and eyes tightly shut as you relish in the feeling of his tongue against your throbbing clit. Your body jerks with the flick of his tongue.

“Just as good as I remember,” JB says as he looks up at you, running a tongue along his lower lip to savour your taste before dipping back for more.

“She likes it if you-”

“I know what she likes,” JB cuts Jungkook off. To prove it JB goes back down on you. You gasp as his tongue curls against your clit before his mouth closes over it and sucks gently. Repeating the actions as he builds you up. Your thighs quake as they tighten around him, overcome with pleasure.

In the midst of pleasure and as your head lolls back you see Jungkook from the corner of your eye. “Jungkook,” you say between breaths.

“What is it baby?”

“Let me help you,” you say as you notice the length of his dick straining against his pants. It had to be uncomfortable for him. JB remained nestled in between your legs, tongue working effortless at your core.

Jungkook cocks an eyebrow, “How do you plan to do that when you’re busy getting eating out?”

“I could turn around and suck you off,” you stutter as JB’s tongue swirls around your nerves. Jungkook still gives you a skeptical look yet you see the intrigue in his eyes. You look at JB who’s nestled between your legs, “Is that okay?” You ask him.

JB looks from the top of his lash line, his mouth unceasing. “Whatever you want,” he mutters, then he kneels to sit up. Wiping the remnants of your pleasure around his mouth as he waits for you.

Unsteadily you reposition yourself on the couch onto all fours. Jungkook moves to stand on one end of while JB stays behind you. “You sure you can handle it baby?” Jungkook says as he caresses your flushed cheek.

You nod and to show it your mouth parts. Jungkook smirks as he undos the buttons of his pants and works the zipper down.

“Mmm….” you moan, eyes closing as you feel JB’s mouth against your core again. His hands grip your ass with a firm hold, his tongue swiping long languid strokes up your slit. Lapping up every ounce of pleasure that drips from your ripened center. His tongue working meticulously to build you up again in the new position.

Jungkook’s fingers weaves in your hair, using it as leverage to keep your head tilted up towards him. He looks at the view before him. Back arched and ass raised, seeing only the top of JB’s head as he’s nestles between your legs. When you open your mouth to cry out again, Jungkook muffles your moans with his cock. Hips thrusting as he fills your mouth. Through teary eyes you look up at him, a small grin of satisfaction around his cock as you take him into your mouth. His head lolls back, fastening his grip in your hair tightly as he feels your mouth adjust around him. Hollowing with every slow thrust.

“Can’t hear you Y/N,” JB murmurs, hands squeezing your hips.

“That’s cause her mouth is filled with my cock,” Jungkook snides and for his own satisfaction pushes himself in further. He grins down at you, smile filled with smug praise as you eagerly take him into your throat like he enjoys.

“Oh, f-fuck,” you choke out around Jungkook’s cock as you feel JB’s finger slip inside you, pushing back against his hand. He knows just what to do, how to curl his fingers in you to your utmost pleasure spot. Jungkook’s grasp around your hair tightens to bring your attention back to his cock. This was all too surreal. You giving Jungkook head while JB’s mouth works your core  and finger fucks you from behind in the middle of the your living room.

Your walls clench around nothing when JB pulls his hand away. Your other half left with nothing as you feel JB move behind you, hear the zipper of his jeans as he says nothing. You do your best to continue to suck Jungkook off, all the while trying to see what JB is doing behind you. Jungkook grips your hair, guiding your head as he thrusts his cock into you mouth to keep you focused.

“You’re not fucking her without a condom,” You hear Jungkook say.

“If it eases your mind I’ve only ever been with Y/N,” JB replies, “And I’ve cummed in her before,” he further adds. For a brief moment Jungkook’s thrusts falter, gripping your hair tighter until he hears the little wince that leaves your mouth. You had wished JB left that part out. You hadn’t let Jungkook cum in you yet. Sure, he’s gone bare in you but never had you granted him the opportunity. Always insisting that it’s something that should be waited for until after the wedding.  

“If you want to fuck her you do it with a condom. Or you can just forget it,” Jungkook’s response is final, the tone in his voice leaving no leeway for negotiation.

You can’t see their gazes but the long silent pause that lingered in the room had you imagining that the two men were both in a stand-off. Feeling the testerone loom around the three of you, neither of the two men backing down from each other. Nor were the two men in your life the submissive type - especially in the bedroom- both equally stubborn and headstrong.

At last JB’s sigh breaks the silence, “Fine,” he reluctantly agrees, surprising you. “Won’t make a difference to either of us anyway. Where do you keep them?”

“Bedroom, left night stand.” Jungkook answers straight away.

“I’ll be right back,” JB says to you as he palms your ass before leaving the couch.

“Jungkook...” you say looking up at him when it’s the two of you left in the room.

He smiles down at you, caressing your cheek once again. “It’s okay baby,” His voice reassuring and soothing your guilt.

JB comes back into the room. The couch cushion creaking under his weight as he kneels and resumes his position behind you. “Sorry to keep you waiting,”

The sound of the foil tearing excites you. Finally after so long you get to feel him again. You could feel your core aching, dripping in anticipation. JB lets out a frustrated sigh as he begins to roll the latex down his length.

“Can’t get it up?” Jungkook teases.

“Or the condom size is too small for me,” JB retorts.

If you weren’t so needy maybe you would have rolled your eyes at their snide remarks to each other. Perhaps you could have told them both to shut up but this was battle of egos and testosterone and frankly, the only thing on your mind at the moment was to alleviate the ache in between your thighs

“Fucking finally,” JB mutters under his breath as he inches closer to you. “I’ll go slow, you’re probably not used to the stretch anymore.” JB continues to provoke.

It felt too good, your core sensitive to the feeling of JB rubbing his length up and down your slit. Using your arousal to coat himself. You feel the tip of his cock align with your entrance. Then you feel the familiar stretch as he slowly begins to enter you. He grips your hips as you slowly tighten and clench around him. He stills when he’s at his hilt, thighs against your bottom as he waits for you to adjust around his cock, savouring in the familiar feeling of your walls around him.

“Fuck you feel as good as I remember. Still so t-tight,” his voice strains as he begins to gently roll his hips. He lets out a satiated sigh, “I missed how good you feel,”

One of Jungkook’s hand fist into your hair again. The other wrapped around his own length as he strokes himself. The tip of his cock beaded with his precum as he guides his length back to your mouth. “Such a good girl,” he praises, “Taking our cocks so well,”

“Amazing isn’t she?” JB chimes, thrusts unceasing.The jolt of his hips making you lurch forward against Jungkook. Taking him deeper into your mouth and it causes Jungkook to hiss, your nose meeting his pelvis. You moan, neither of them taking mercy with their thrusts and soon enough everything is oversensitive. Eyes tight shut, strangled moans and stomach tightening. JB doing his utmost best to coax a release from you. While you did your best to make sure Jungkook was satisfied as you run your tongue along his shaft, alternating between different motions.

“Fuck baby,” Jungkook rasps, his rhythm breaking. The grip in your hair tighter as he fucks your mouth. He’s close, through hooded eyes you see his body tensing. His lower lip caught between his teeth as his head lolls back. “T-tongue out,” he orders as he roughly pulls off of your mouth with loud ‘pop’. Immediately you obey, watching as Jungkook pumps his cock with grunts. Then he lays his girth on your tongue, hot bursts of his pleasure releases into your mouth, onto your tongue and inadvertently down your chin as he lets out a low arduous groan. The strokes of his shaft slow until he finds his bearings again as he pulls up his pants. He kneels before you, meeting your hazed gaze and smiles softly as he watches the pleasure contort your face as JB continues to fuck you. He wipes your chin with his thumb, wiping his remnants onto his pants.

Resting his hand against your cheek, he kisses your forehead. “Does he feel good?” He asks. Amidst your whimpering you nod. Jungkook grins, “I’m glad you’re enjoying baby,” He stands up and your gaze follows. “Don’t worry, I’ll be right here.” He says as he moves to sit back on the adjacent sofa.

You’re hesitant at first. Holding in your moans, tensing, gaze always moving to Jungkook to make sure he’s okay. You bit your bottom lip so hard you wouldn’t be surprised if you started tasting blood.

“Turn around y/n,” JB says softly, taking your attention away from your worries.

With your movement faltering, you move back to lay supine on the couch. JB joining you once again, easing his cock inside in the new missionary position. The atmosphere becomes more intimate between you two. He cages you in with body, the rough snaps of his hips from  before transition into slow, wanton movements. Your breaths are heavy, the hair around his temples growing damp. For this moment you were each other’s once again. Sharing in the intimacy, the love that still lingered binding your bodies more than physically. His thrusts are slow and hard, the sound of skin meeting skin filling the room. He grips your hips, caressing. To your surprise he kisses you, tongue tracing your taste. The taste of you mixed with Jungkook.  

“Did you ever think this would happen?” JB murmurs into your ear, “That we’d be together like this again. I guess we have your soulmate to thank for this,” His voice is quiet but just enough for Jungkook to hear. “Don’t forget your manners, Y/N. Thank your soulmate,”

“Thank you Jungkook,”  You moan breathlessly.

“You’re welcome baby,” his voice answers from the distance.

You hold onto JB’s shoulders, nails raking across his skin. Body shuddering, as the knots in your lower abdomen tighten. Your legs wrap around his waist to pull him closer as the impending climax grows near with every thrust of his hips. His name leaves your lips like a mantra as you cling to him. Even with each thrust, his touches are tender. The movement between you two sensual. It was so typical of JB. Tending to you enough to make your heart melt, ensuring every single inch of him  was felt inside you while he continues to kiss you affectionately.

He claims you with every touch of his fingertips, his lips, his cock reaching your deepest pleasure spots. You begin to tumble over the edge, floating off like a dream. As if each pivotal movement was letting you know there has never been anybody but you, that there will never be anyone else for him. It has you questioning everything again amidst all the pleasure, all the desire. Just inches from you your soulmate sat there watching, amused and entertained. Letting you have this and you wonder how you ever got to share this moment. Two loves of your life, different like night and day. Yet for this brief moment you shared in the moment like twilight, where day and night finally meet. You reveled in it, basked in the glorious sensation of making love to JB, even if it was just one last time, you clung to him with fervor until euphoria breaks.

Your vision freckles, your body shuddering and unwinding as you cum around JB. Delightfully blinded by the sensations of your orgasm. JB’s thrusts falter as he feels your walls tighten around him. He buries his face within the crook of your neck, breath heavy as he quickly follows in your release. You could barely move under the weight of his body, completed depleted from all your energy. Your arms wrapping around him limply to hold him close. The intimacy is soon broken as JB shifts his body off yours with a low groan, leaving you empty but satiated. He props himself onto his elbow, both your bodies still entangled. His palm settled on your abdomen as he lazily traces slow circles on your skin.

“Are you alright?” He murmurs. You nod lazily, too exhausted for words.  “I need to clean up,” he says sitting up, “Get this thing off,” he says referring to the soiled condom. JB kisses your forehead before shifting off the couch as he leaves the living room.

Lazily you stretch on the couch, content. “Jungkook?” you call out, eyes drifting shut. There’s a moments silence and just before you open your eyes you feel him join you on the couch. Hands intertwining  with yours as he squeezes it gently.

“Come on, I’ll bring you to bed,” he says tenderly. You don’t object as he lifts you, carrying your bridal style to your bedroom. You feel the mattress behind you, he brings the sheets up to cover you as you nestle in bed. “Comfy?” he asks.

“Lucky,” you hum. “That I have you,”

Jungkook smiles, brushing the strangled hairs from your face. “I consider myself the lucky one,”

“Do you regret it being me?”

Jungkook shakes his head, “Never.” He says as he leans over to kiss your forehead he settles in bed with you for a moment, draping the covers around both of you as he holds. “I love you,”

“I love you too,” you smile, snuggling your head into his chest. He’s warm, heart beating steadily as it soothes you, eyes drifting to sleep.

He hears the steady sound of your breathing, respirations quiet and easy. He lays there for a moment holding you close as he’s done so many times before and had planned to do even more but as the night slowly lightens to morning, at the break of twilight. It’s not his name that leaves your lips on a quiet sigh.

__________________

I still can’t believe it

That when I open my eyes you aren’t next to me

Even if those memories make it hard on me

It’s in my head again

Even if I clear out all those memories

__________________

The needle in my hand goes through my layer of sensitive skin, I gasp as the familiar yet distant feeling flooded through my vein. Staring blankly at my bleeding finger, I slowly put the sewing equipment down and exhale shakily.

My eyes flutter close, which I regret instantly as the whole memories came rushing. Instead of feeling pain from my finger, odd but no surprise, the pain comes from my beating organ. Fragments of memories dawn upon me, leaving me breathless for another torturous minutes.

My train of thoughts traveled way too far for my liking until it stops where my heart wants to see.

His smile.

In a split second, my mind shows a fragment of a teenage boy, gasping from far as he saw my hand bleed.

"You are bleeding!" while I stayed there, staring at his panicked state.

"Hey. It's just a needle." he looked up from inspecting my hand. "Just a needle? But your blood is spilling-- look it even get on my shirt!"

Even with his scolding, I feel at ease. He rushed to find what he could wipe my blood with, until he found his handkerchief at the corner of his unkempt school bag. While I continued staring, he dabbed the piece of cloth on my finger, muttering, "If you keep being clumsy, I need to pack a first aid in my bag."

I laughed, but he didn't. Because he had really packed them in a small packaging, just in case I need it.

Like a film roll, my mind shows me another part of it, him laughing brightly-- no, beaming actually, shoving all his food into his mouth.

"That is not fair! You said you love this one!!" I heard myself arguing, pointing at the other food we shared.

"Well sucks. I changed it. Now, I love you." a hand reached to push him, I assumed it was mine.

'Stop, please.' I plead for myself not to fall in deeper.

Another fragment comes, again, we were fighting over another simple yet significant thing. "You know what? I hate you!"

"Ohh well wait until I debut and see whether you'd still hate me after that!" he announced proudly and cockily. "You'd be head over heels for me."

"You are not going to debut. Not with your swollen face!" I threw in another argument. I could feel myself chuckling at his angry state.

"Hey! This swollen face is that face you stared at everyday!" he reached over to tumble me down but I escaped by running away. "Come back here!"

I jerk myself out from another episode of my unconscious mind has brought me to, my cheeks wet and tear stained. Bringing my hand to wipe the said stain, I found myself weeping again, heart wrenching and longing over someone who won't be back.

In between those sobs, I sigh. Years have gone but here I am, at 1.31 am, crying over a memory in which I had pushed them far behind, too painful to be cleared out of my mind.

I drag myself to my bed, afraid of closing my eyes once again. Funny that people found comfort in sleeping after crying. But me? Sleep is never a comfort. After he left, sleep was the most terrifying thing. I'd wake up crying again, because the moment I opened my eyes, he wasn't next to me, like what he did seven years ago.

_________________

I am always drowned in the thoughts of you

I get exhausted from crying

But I look for traces of you again

_________________

Jaebum carefully shut the door after sending Jinyoung out. The male was there for a hangout but for some particular reason, he pointed out something which makes Jaebum miraculously came up with an excuse to make him go home. It was not suppose to be a frustrating night yet Jinyoung managed to change it in one second.

Heaving a big sigh, he drags his heavy steps towards the dark side of the house. There he stands, staring at the door which he contemplates to enter every time he stand in front of it. Jinyoung just have to slice open a wounded wound, Jaebum doesn't even know how to close it up again.

Gripping the metal, Jaebum braces himself to push the door open, the overwhelming scent attacks him viciously, sending his mind into a hazy state. For a split second, his knees give up and he is sent kneeling at the door of the dark room, like always.

"Why do you never use this room?" Jinyoung sticked his head inside the dark room. "It smells like a girl's perfume." He reached to flick the switch on, curious of the interior but Jaebum beat him to it and pulled his hand away.

"Don't." He warned. 

Everyone who visits his house knows the rule. He clearly warned them. The second door is a restricted area. Everyone understands that. Everyone except Jinyoung.

Everytime he came over, he would be one step nearer to the door even Jaebum gave him a disapproving look. He is stepping boundaries which Jaebum doesn't know how to let him in. And today, Jinyoung beat him to it. He went as far as inhaling the scent reserved for Jaebum and only Jaebum.

Her scent.

Jaebum knows he can trust Jinyoung. Heck, he really need someone to talk to. But it's not the right time. Jinyoung is clearly not ready for all the shits Jaebum have fucked up before.

"You keep a girl in your house?" Jinyoung asked a little bit too innocent, too innocent for Jaebum's liking.

Jaebum gritted his teeth, chin jutting out. "I don't think we can hang out tonight, Jinyoung-ah." The said male laughed bitterly, knowing the fact that Jaebum was hiding something from him.

"You owe me one explanation." He reminded, before showing himself the way out.

Jaebum switches the light on, his eyes twitches at the first thing he lands them on. He shuts the door and let himself slumps against the bean bag next to the table of memories. He feels suffocated to be in the same room with his memories of her yet this is the only he can do.

He was a jerk and still a jerk. This is the only way to torture himself for the sins he did seven years ago. This is the only way for him to remember that he was a vicious monster, not a cool man which his fans look up to.

Reaching over for an old picture, his breath get stuck at his throat. It is always like this. He'll lay them pictures on the table upside down and he will reach to pick one randomly. Never once these pictures fail to make him beat himself for leaving.

"Why do you like strawberry?" She asks, licking the almost melting ice cream. Jaebum got her a strawberry flavoured and she got him a chocolate flavoured. It was cheesy but Jaebum proposed that they switched flavour to get to know each other.

"Because it's pink." She gave him a ridiculous look while Jaebum smiled sheepishly. "Seriously?"

"No wait don't answer that. I don't want to know." She pushed him away as he laughed hard at her reply. "Because it's sweet and sour. I love the taste." Again, he received a judging look and he gave up explaining.

"Why don't you tell me why you love chocolate?"

"Because it is sweet! And it makes me happy! I love anything that makes me happy." She beamed, eyes turned crescents.

"Do you love me?" Jaebum stared at her side profile, licking his favourite flavour blissfully. She stopped eating when she heard the question, but didn't hesitate when she replied, "You always make me happy Jaebum," and offered a sly smile.

Jaebum's heart clenches at the fragments of her smiles. He heard himself shouting, "You cheater! You didn't answer the question properly!" And she giggled all along, running away from the bench.

Is she still happy? Does she still love him? Jaebum hopes she doesn't love him anymore. Whatever left for her were broken promises. Jaebum beats himself everyday for it. For leaving. And for breaking. He deserves it if she hates him.

He opens his eyes, chest heaving heavily as he throws his head against the wall. The room smells exactly like her. Of course. Jaebum went as far as searching for the exact smell all over the world. Everytime he went on a world tour, he would stop by a fragrance store, sniffing each bottle. When he finally found one in Paris, he ordered a huge bottle of it, and became the permanent fragrance for the room.

He rakes his eyes at the walls. Her polaroids are everywhere in the room. He hung them when he first move in, filling the room with everything he brought with him from seven years ago. Her fav hoodies of his, her soft toy which he won from a carnival, her bandage when she accidentally pricked her finger whenever she sewn his torn clothes--

"You never listen don't you?" He hissed when she gasped as the needle pricked through her sensitive skin. "I thought we agreed on wearing this finger band before you sew anything." He watched the blood slowly trickled down her finger, which he reached over and dabbed an alcohol swab on it.

"Auch Jaebum! It hurts!" She grimaced. Jaebum pressed the swab harder and that was when she realised that he was worried about her.

"Now you feel it. Why can't you understand that I am worried whenever you pricked your hand? There could be infection for all we know!"

"But you need to wear this to training and hurry. You don't have time Jaebum! It's late." She argued, sewing back the torn pants.

"You know what, leave them. I'll wear another one."

"But-" Jaebum already left her with his pants, she smiles as the said boy exit the classroom to get to his training centre. Shaking her head, she went back to sew, being more careful with needles when Jaebum wasn't there.

Jaebum finds himself sobbing loudly against the bean bag, fragments after fragments appear in his mind. Choking on his own tears, he mutters incoherent words, pleading her to forgive him for leaving.

Miraculously, his arms wraps around the soft material of the soft toys, his face pressed against his tummy. Snorlax. Or so she called it. She said it resembles Jaebum the most from other Pokemon and decided that he should shoot for that soft toy instead. It was the first time Jaebum focused on hitting the cans real hard at a carnival. Just because she wanted Snorlax.

He squeezes Snorlax hard, gasping for air as again, her pretty smile come attacking his whole vision. She smiled so wide that day because Jaebum managed to get her the biggest soft toys in the booth.

It was as big as Jaebum's whole upper body, she walked home from the carnival all smiling. Jaebum curved a smile when she nuzzled her face to Snorlax's cheek, rubbing it against them.

"Would you want to name him?" Jaebum asked. Ironically, since she said it resembles him, she should name it by his name. Jaebum.

She stops in her track, eyes looking up in confusion. "What for? His name is Snorlax."

"But you said he looks like me. His name should be Jaebum!" He voiced out, feeling betrayed. He won them so she can name it after him.

She shoved the said soft toys to his face, "Look carefully. He doesn't look like you at all. I can't even recognise him as you." She laughed, giggling to be exact and left Jaebum outside her house, dumbfounded.

The next day she woke up, she found Snorlax sitting next to the window, two little moles were obviously added to his left eyes, just below his eyebrows.

Jaebum saw her smiling, shaking her head as she saw another scribble on Snorlax's tummy.

'Jaebum'.

Jaebum feels his head spinning and getting lighter. His vision goes black, he falls again into yet another dreamless night whenever he enter that room. Slowly, his eyes flutter close, her face flashes before he completely blacks out.

________________

♧ 1.31 AM will not be updated regularly. We are sorry for the inconvenience. But we will try to update the next chapter as soon as possible

Posted: 26th April 2019, 9pm