#jawztalks

2018 has been a year of ups and downs for me. At the beginning of the year I got back into playing Mystic Messenger and rejoined the fandom making fan art and eventually posting some of my fan fiction. I think this year has been one of my most prolific yet in terms of the amount of works I’ve created and I’ve been able to track my progress and see a marked improvement in my art over the course of the year, which feels pretty good.  I never imagined the amount of followers I would accumulate because of my fanworks and I was really lucky to make many new friends, a few of which I talk to every day, in addition to meeting my amazing girlfriend.

I also took a huge step forward and created merch of my art for the first time, which was something I’d been wanting to do and that was great as well.

However with the great also came the not so great. Toward the middle of the year I applied for and was rejected from several zines which made me doubt myself and my art a lot. Then I was invited to a project as a guest artist, which after all those rejections felt absolutely amazing. I felt wanted and was so excited to finally contribute to something.

The project however was riddled with drama from start to finish and caused a great deal of anxiety for me. While I’m glad to have my art and writing published in print and for the proceeds to go to charity the experience overall left a sour taste in my mouth and I seriously doubt I am going to be applying for anymore fanzines in the near future.

Most of what made the experience so toxic was a person I came into contact with from the fandom that I now wish that I had never interacted with at all. This individual copied my oc, lied to me, manipulated me, obsessively stalked my blog & the blogs of those who were close to me, treated my friends like shit, and then badmouthed me to others when I became so uncomfortable that I had to block her just to get away. (All of this, of course under the guise of “admiring me”, and I seriously worry about her doing this with other artists.) Not only this, but she was for a time the head of the project I worked on.  By the end of it there was only one mod that I trusted and was very worried that my work would be tampered with somehow or that I wouldn’t get credited;;;

Even after blocking this person from all my accounts I kid you not, I still have so much anxiety related to her that just a mention of her user name on a reblog on my dash is enough to trigger me and I had to unfollow a handful of people that I admired because they interacted with her often.  It may sound foolish I guess, but after that I felt anxious even being on tumblr, much less part of the fandom and I seriously considered not returning at all (especially after the blow I took from the nsfw ban).

All of that stress coupled with stress from my personal life and the worry of being forgotten because I wasn’t producing any art for a while burnt me out further and I am just now starting to feel the motivation to draw again.

I’m hoping that finally talking about what happened will help me get past these terrible feelings I’ve been keeping pent up for months now. I want to create more, but I’m tired of hiding, chasing recognition, and over all trying to be someone I’m not.

So this year I want to go back to doing the things that make me happy and excited to create. I’m going to surround myself with good people and focus on what interests me: unapologetically drawing my ocs more, continuing to draw my Choi boys, and also branching out to some new characters from other media I enjoy. I want to open my Patreon soon, add more merch to my shop, design new dakis, and hopefully print my own art book/zine. I’d also like to get back to writing my mysme long fic that I haven’t touched for ages.

Finally thank you to all of you that have stuck with me this year whether you’re a new follower/mutual/friend or one of those that still supports me despite no longer being active in the same fandom, you guys are a big part of what keep me going. Also a huge thank you to those of you that have listened to me rant, cry, and talk about what’s been going on, y’all are my rock and I appreciate it so much.

“Saeyoung…” she sighed.

“I know I know, I said I’d clean it up today, but I’m almost done!  Give me another half hour and then I’ll get to it.

“Where have I heard that before?”  Ji-ae grumbled under her breath.  “You know what, forget it, I’ll take care of it myself.”  With that she scooped up the haphazard tower of dishes in her arms and turned on her heel, walking briskly out of Saeyoung’s work room.

Moments later he was out of his chair and scurrying after her, wastebasket in hand.  He stopped at the garage to empty the trash before making his way to the kitchen where the angry sound of of clinking dishes and running water could be heard.  Ji-ae was scrubbing furiously at one of the plates, muttering to herself.

Saeyoung paused in the door, his eyes settling on the pile of work she’d abandoned on the table to clean up after him, no doubt also planning on throwing dinner together for the two of them afterward and he felt guilt gnaw at him.  With a sigh he approached Ji-ae, rolling up his sleeves to help.  She glanced at him as he started drying dishes but didn’t speak, her shoulders set stubbornly as they worked together in silence.  Saeyoung kept stealing glances at her, trying to decide what to say by way of apology but each time he opened his mouth to speak he’d shake his head and shut his mouth with a click.

Finally finished, Ji-ae drained the sink and reached for the towel to dry her hands, but Saeyoung was faster.  Snatching the towel before her he caught her hand in the fluffy dry fabric, rubbing it for her.  While he had her in his grasp he fixed her with an apologetic stare and Ji-ae had to brace herself, her pulse jumping.

“Ji-ae, honey.  I’m sorry I didn’t take care of my mess earlier.  I’m…” he hesitated, frowning.  He was about to say he was so used to having Vanderwood take care of the house that he’d forgotten how, but that was stupid.  “I… really don’t have an excuse.”

Ji-ae bit her lip, her eyes flitting away from his sincere gaze.  “I know you have the tendency to get caught up in your work,” she said in a soft voice, “and I love that about you.  I do,” she insisted.  “It’s just… frustrating sometimes,” she growled, pulling her hand and the towel from his grasp, quickly wiping her other hand before thrusting the damp towel back at Saeyoung.  He watched her, stunned as she strode to the cupboard and yanked it open to rummage through its contents.  

She had to rise up on her tiptoes to see inside and Saeyoung had to bite back a sudden grin.  He had seen her expression soften momentarily when he apologized and he knew what that meant.  Ji-ae could never stay mad at him for long, but she was trying to cover that fact now, and Saeyoung found it incredibly cute.

Stepping up behind her as she reached above her head he took the opportunity to snake his arms around her waist and press a kiss to the back of her neck, smirking against her skin as he felt her shiver.  

“Can you forgive your foolish husband?” he asked, his voice muffled.  Ji-ae froze in Saeyoung’s embrace, every muscle in her body wanting desperately to give in and hold him while her brain screamed at her to stay strong.  “I should have cleaned up after myself before you even asked,” he murmured into her hair, squeezing her tighter.  When she hesitated he continued.  “Ji-ae are you still mad at me?”

With an exasperated huff she finally spun in his arms to face him.

“You know I can’t stay angry at you for long!”  She snapped, and Saeyoung grinned as she poked him in the side.

“Lucky me,” he murmured, squirming away from her finger while at the same time leaning in towards her face.

“Yeah, lucky seven-zero-seven,” she grumbled back, but didn’t pull away.

“Please let me make it up to you?” he asked.

“How?”  Ji-ae’s voice was skeptical, but she eyed her husband with longing.

Saeyoung pressed his lips to hers and kissed her tenderly, stealing her breath away.  “Let’s get something delivered… and eat it in bed.”

Wrapping her arms around his neck Ji-ae gave in and let herself smile.  “I won’t argue with that.”