#javed

“Mine and Eli’s kiss list,” Mickey chirped, spinning around in their chair. “Between us, we got nearly everyone in the office ranked.”

“I’m only number eight because Eli doesn’t like kissing ladies,” Scopes huffed, glaring at him. Mickey rolled their eyes.

“She didn’t like my rating,” they admitted, “so she made Eli kiss her, too.”

“I thought I was six,” Scopes complained. Mickey grinned.

“That was before the office party.”

Sam had to think a minute before he realized what ‘the office party’ referred to. He arched his eyebrows at Eli, who was blushing fiercely. “So where does our fearless leader end up on the list?”

Eli sank into his seat, pulling the hood of his jacket over his face. “I can’t tell you, or else I’m fired.”

Sam swept a look around the office. The only other person was Kawai, sitting at her own desk. “He’s not here.”

Mickey’s grin broadened. “Director’s at the top of the list.”

“No way.” Sam felt a rare grin tug at his own lips. “There’s no way he even knows how to kiss.”

“Eli swears up and down he’s the best, ever.”

“Please stop talking about this,” Eli whimpered through a mouthful of sandwich. 

Sam grinned at him. “So, is this out of, like, the whole office?”

“And some other people.” Mickey propped their elbows on the table. “Eli got at some of the people in the European branch - that’s why you got bumped two, Scopes.”

“You can’t count them,” Scopes said, throwing a cashew at Mickey. “They have to at least be stateside.”

“You’re still awful,” Mickey said matter-of-factly.

“You two have kissed everyone in the office?” Sam wanted to clarify. Eli shook his head.

“You and Kawai are the only ones left,” he said, tipping his head towards where the Samoan woman ate at her own desk. “We’re not even going to try Kawai -”

“I will murder you,” she said, not looking up as she peeled an apple with a knife almost as long as Sam’s forearm.

“- And you don’t seem into it,” Eli finished. “I’m pretty sure you’re straight, anyway.”

“So’s like, everyone else in the office,” Mickey pointed out, “that’s never stopped any of ‘em.”

Scopes drawled, “Eli just hasn’t asked you yet, Sam, because you’re too darn prickly.”

“And a soulless cretin,” Mickey chimed in. Sam flicked an annoyed glance at them.

“So where’s everyone ranked?”

“Well, Sonya’s an honorary number two,” Mickey said, then confessed, “We haven’t, like, actually ever kissed her -”

“It would be like kissing your mom,” Eli said, and Sam, who had only met Sonya once, was forced to agree.

“Yeah, seriously. And she threatened to run us over if we put her any lower. Our actual number 2 is Helen - you haven’t met her yet, she’s on loan to the west coast - then Hal, then...”

Mickey and Eli quickly went down the list, with Scopes indignantly protesting her placement. Sam didn’t recognize half the names, and he barely knew most of the others. He fiddled with his empty bottle of water as they talked, still hungry, but not so pressingly as he remembered he always used to be. He wondered if Kawai still had sushi rolls in the fridge. No one else ever dared to eat her food.

“Yeah, all right,” Sam said, interrupting their chatter. “I’ll give it a shot.”

“What?” Mickey blurted. “You’re serious?”

Sam shrugged. “You gotta have a complete list,” he said, not looking any of them in the face. “I’ll take one for the team.”

“Which one?” Scopes demanded. “It’s gotta be Mickey or Eli, they’re totally impartial.”

“And we don’t trust your judgment.”

“Shut up, Mickey.”

Sam shrugged. “Eli, I guess.”

“Aw,” Mickey complained, “everyone always picks Eli.”

“Mickey shut up do not ruin this for me,” Scopes snapped, shoving Mickey off their chair. They let out an indignant squawk. Eli, to Sam’s surprise, looked a little uncertain.

“You sure?” he asked, straightening up in his chair. Sam shrugged again as he started packing his trash into the brown paper takeout bag. “You don’t have to.”

“It’s for science, right?” Sam said. 

“I bet he’s lower than you,” Mickey sulkily told Scopes, who had her phone out. Eli shot her a censorious look, and after a moment, she groaned and put her phone away.

“You don’t need to embarrass us,” Eli told Scopes sternly. He glanced up when he realized Sam was leaning over him; the healer put his hand under Eli’s chin, leaned in, and kissed him.

Eli’s eyes widened for a split second before he closed them; he blindly reached out and took Sam’s elbow, pulling him closer. Sam didn’t seem to mind. In fact, for all his gentle hesitation at first, he quickly became eager. He braced a knee on the edge of Eli’s chair, and the bigger man shifted to make room.

“Oh, my heck,” Scopes said, staring blankly. Sam was soon completely in Eli’s lap, and even Kawai was staring, her face a little red, when a door snapped open and shut.

It startled everyone except Sam, who had a shy, sly sort of half-grin on his face when he pulled away. It lasted just long enough for Eli to see, before Sam became his usual abrupt, curt self and stood back up.

“Hey, director,” he said blandly to Javed, who was standing in the open doorway of his office. “I gotta head back to the clinic.”

There was complete silence, except for Sam’s shuffling as he picked up his backpack and headed out of the office. Everyone watched him go, before their gazes snapped straight back to Eli.

He was totally and utterly shellshocked. 

Javed arched his eyebrows. “Did I just get bumped off the kiss list?”