#jared vasquez

it was a beautiful day. and everything was going to plan. i had booked this awesome restaurant that i knew michaela, the sappy kind of person, would definitely love. she took a vacation to jamaica to think about my proposal and well, to get away from me. not that i minded.

as long as i got to marry her.

“hey.” i gave steve and karen a short hug, patting grace on the shoulder and ruffled olive’s hair. one look at their grave expressions and i felt a sinking feeling at the pit of my stomach.

“where’s michaela? and ben and cal?”

the stones stared at me, their eyes blank, as if they were zombies.

and until this day, i will never forget about those ten seconds. when i lost michaela. the sobbing and wheezing stopped after a couple of days. then came the fist punching on my bedroom wall.

i was so damn angry, at the stupid plane and the airport giving a stupid discount. even mad at michaela for choosing a cheaper flight.

sobbing, i forced myself to sit on the bed, looking back at photos of michaela. we looked so happy, carefree, just a matter of weeks ago. oh, if only we knew the cruel ways of the universe. we weren’t meant to be together: the stars told us that.

and when michaela was gone, all i felt was ultimate dispair. like i would never, ever be happy again. crying at night, crying in the day, hearing her voice in my head again and again, soaking wet tissues laid all around the place. the wall eventually dented. and so did my knuckles. blood seeped through them until i finally stopped punching.

but nothing hurt more than the pain in my heart. that piece with michaela and all the memories we had and we could have had, had died. painfully.

“hey.” drea said to me, interrupting my train of thoughts.

“i- i gotta go.” i turned and bolted out of the place, an overwhelming rage and sadness drowning me whole. “tell michaela i’m sorry.”

back in the privacy of my car, i finally cried. i cried harder than i ever had, because michaela had came back to me. only to be so close and yet so far away.

“okay, jared, you can do this.” i dressed myself in black clothes, before shaving my beard i didn’t give a shit about since michaela.

stepping outside, the sunlight was bright and everything seemed so… alive.

like the universe was mocking me.

“we gather here today to…” someone started to talk, but not before i succumbed entirely to my thoughts.

where would we be now, if michaela had taken the first flight home? would this be a marriage instead of a- i couldn’t even bring myself to say the word. the whole thing hasn’t even sunk in yet. nevertheless, robotically, automatically, tears started to fall.

but she couldn’t be dead.

michaela, she just couldn’t. she is- was so full of life and happiness and if spring ever was a person, it would be her. i could never forget the way her light eye mole would crinkle slightly when she smiled, or how it was so adorable that i couldn’t help but smile with her. or the way she always found an excuse to come in close with me, hugging me so tight that my ribs hurt.

she just couldn’t be dead.

i peeked out of the car through the window, seeing michaela look at zeke with such adoration and love that i had to turn away.

then i drove off into the night, cursing at the fact that she still had my heart.

that day, i was going to be marrying my fiancée lourdes. but all i could think of was that michaela and i could be the ones having this marriage. it was wrong, i know. but i still couldn’t bring myself to move on from her.

watching lourdes walk down the aisle, the only thing i could think of was michaela and my growing unease of guiltiness. and when she placed the ring on my finger, all i could think of was michaela’s firm touch differing from lourdes’ soft, gentle one. and when she kissed me, all i could think of was michaela’s soft lips capturing mine with such love.

i guess i could never really move on. might as well pretend i already did.

i couldn’t be that horrible ex in movies. i had to let michaela go. but i could never do that, even when i thought she would be in her grave forever. but i couldn’t bring myself to hate zeke, who always seeked peace. zeke, who i stalked and stressed over him hurting michaela. but deep down, i think i never actually suspected him. it was just- jealousy. and the desire to prove that he was a bad person, so michaela would have me back.

i could never let michaela go, even if i watched her die with my own eyes, even if she hurt me, even if she married someone else.

she’s still the love of my life.

“jared!” lourdes said, breathlessly, “she’s back.” she managed to choke out.

she didn’t specify who “she” was, or what she was even talking about. all i know is all the guilt and all the feelings of betrayal when i married lourdes sank right back in as i shuddered in horror. how could i face her after all that i’ve done? how was she even alive? all i thought to do at that moment, was run into my room, locking the door. lourdes gave me space- she knew i needed it.

unlike all the times i had breakdowns and panic attacks because of michaela, this time, i didn’t shed a tear. even in the privacy of my room, i didn’t let go. i kept a stoic, stone-cold expression on my face- because i knew deep in my soul- the cruel, cruel truth.

i would choose michaela over lourdes in every lifetime.

but no one could ever know that.

as i drove aimlessly around the suburbs, still scrolling through my favorite pictures of michaela, i let out a breathy laugh- i was like a stalker. and as much as i hated the fact that michaela was now with zeke, i couldn’t help but feel happy for her. she was the love of my life, after all, and what kind of person would i be if i wanted her to be sad?

“congratulations,” i texted her. “sorry i couldn’t be there. i’m just glad to have you back after the whole plane fiasco.” and hesitated before i added, “i still love you. but i hope you’re happier with zeke.”

and i saw the love of my life slip through my fingers once again.