#janio

(please tell me what u think, because idek if i like it)

“Charlie, I'm going to the shops soon. Do you need anything?” I yelled from the top of the stairs, “Tori, I know you're going on a date with Michael” Charlie replied from the living room, so calmly it confused me if it was actually a date. It isn't a date. I look at myself in the mirror in my room one last time, it feels strange, I feel…put together. What i mean is i spent at least 30 minutes trying to figure out what to wear, from what i've heard, what i've ‘been through’ to figure out what to wear, is ‘perfectly normal’, first i layed out around four options on what to wear, and when I couldn't decide I asked Charlie, which he responded with “where are you even going” and “i don’t know, why does it matter” so I kicked him out and took all my clothes out in panic, and threw them around the room, then I sat on my floor and cried, then told myself I was being an idiot, did my makeup, and put on some jeans, a white shirt, a black hoodie (which actually fitted me instead of being oversized and/or one of Michael) and some white converse, that I stole off Charlie a couple years ago, to be honest I look the same, but whatever.

I took the bus to the ice skating place Michael went to, he said we could skate together after he's done training, I'm not sure why I said yes, I don't even know how to skate, I haven't since I was a kid. This isn't a date.

I walk inside, he's still training, so I sit in the stands and wait. If this isn't a date, then why am I so nervous? Maybe this is a date, maybe Michael intends it to be a date. Shit this is a date isn't it, no surely not, Michael isn’t my boyfriend, he isn't, so this surely isn't a date.

“Tori!'' I look up and snap out of my thoughts, Michael smiling widely and waving at me from the rink, I smile back, “is that a smile I see Victoria '' he gasps dramatically, I roll my eyes and try not to laugh. I'm blushing. I walk down the stairs and meet with him, and he gleams at me and smiles largely making him look almost insane and cute at the same time, “what?” I ask, “nothing, nothing, you just-” he looks me up and down, not in a sexual way but in a way almost to fully look at me, if that makes sense, “oh my god u looks so cute!” he says in the loudly excitable way, like a child getting a new toy, he quickly takes off his skates and runs up to me and hugs me, almost lifting me off the ground, its probably because of our height difference, he’s alot taller, “i look the same” I reply bluntly, still being held, “yeah, but your… ughhhhh, your so fucking pretty” he nuzzles his face into my neck, gives it a quick kiss, then quickly walks away as if regretting, he opens his mouth to say something, probably to say sorry, but I quickly beat him to it by saying “so we gonna skate now or…?” he looks at me, closes his mouth, half forces a smile “yeah sure” he goes and grabs me some skates, hands them to me and sits down to put his own on, I sit next to him, “just so you know imma be shit at this” he looks and me and laughs softly “I thought so, that's why i’m here to help” I roll my eyes and laugh, he smirks back.

We’re now on the ice, well michael is, i’m standing at the entrance scared to death, “if I die this is all your fault” I glare at him “i’m sure you wont die” he laughs, “i’m fucking serious” I try not to laugh, he holds my hands as I walk onto the ice, to my surprise I dont immediately fall. I force him to hold onto me as we skate, or well he drags me. We laugh and smile and talk and fall, eventually we finish, and we're sore and tired and loki kinda wet, but it was fun. It's still not a date though.

“Are you just going home now or?” he looks at me, he seems understanding, “yeah probably, I told my parents I would be home soon so” i say not looking at him “ok” he nods understandingly “I don't ever really do though” I say still not looking at him, “what?” he asks confused, I realise im not making sense “sorry…ummm, if you don't want me to go now we can just hang around for a bit longer” he looks at me and smiles “if you want” I nod back, i’m blushing, i'm not sure why, he doesn't ask if my parents will be mad, he knows i don't care, anymore at least.

We just sorta sit and talk for a while, after a bit we fall into silence, it's a comfortable silence, it's never really awkward around him, after a minute or so I break it, “don’t you think it's strange that everyone thinks we're dating, just because they saw us kiss once” I look at him, he looks back “their just hopeless romantics'' he replies, “your starting to sound like me” I joke, he laughs back, “that kiss…” I say, we’ve talked about it before, we’ve decided it was a heat of the moment sorta thing, we’ve kissed a few times since. not in that way. He looks at me, for context when I bring it up its the only way my fucking autistic brain can ask for a kiss, he leans in and says “no ones here and no one cares” I put my hands on his face and kiss him, its a normal kiss, not a gross one were u taste eachothers mouths, its just normal, it doesnt last long, but it's long enough.

We part and he rests his forehead on mine, he's looking at me, I keep my eyes closed. I hate eye contact, it makes me wanna die. I finally open my eyes to look at his blue and green ones, he still hasn’t put his glasses back on, his blue eye isn't as bright as my blue eyes, he even jokes that when he doesn't have his glasses on, it's the main thing he can see on my face. For context he's like nearly blind in his blue eye and his eyesight is shit in general. He kisses my forehead. We stayed like that for a bit.

He walks me home, I chose not to take the bus, everytime i’m on one that isn't for school there is usually a random old man eyeing me. I hate men. We get to my house, I don't invite him in, I already know my mum is pissed at me, I'm an hour and 23 minutes late to what time I said I should be home, Michael doesn't need to see her yell, he’ll probably think she's crazy or some shit. I give him a kiss goodbye and walk into my house.

“Your late Victoria” I hear my mum say from the kitchen, she's not even looking at me, Charlie and Ollie both turn and look at me, their playing mario kart, Charlie nods at me then unpaused the game and they both continue to play, “so what were you and michael doing to make you an hour and a half late” my mum raises her eyebrow, my dads head shoots up, oh i'm in for a lovely talk, “victoria this is just unacceptable, the least you could do is call me and say that your going to be late, but here we are, worried sick” my mum guilt trips “yeah but even calling wouldn't of been enough would it” I say, it wasn’t aggressive just pointing out the obvious, “loose that tone” my mum snaps, “what tone” i scoff, “tori, me and your mum think it's inappropriate for you to be hanging out with a boy and coming home exceedingly late and in clothes that are very obviously his” my dad says trying to calm the situation, and for fucks sake that ain't happening, “first of all michael isn’t my boyfriend, second of all your talking about him like he’s in his 30s, and third of all why do you both even think im late” i sorta shout, but its still quiet so Charlie and Ollie can’t hear, “tori your too young to be having…hanky panky” my dad says, oh im in for a treat, in my head i plan to say something like ‘he’s not my boyfriend’ or ‘stop saying hanky panky’ but it comes out more like…”OH YOUR ONE TO FUCKING TALK!” don’t regret it though, if you don't know my parents had me barely a 2 years after they met and got together, my mum finished her english lit course only 2 months before I was born, she had to drop out of a lot but her parents were happy she at least finished the minimum, anyway she had me and my dad was still studying in uni so we went and lived in cambridge where my dad studied, when i was 4 months old my mum got pregnant again, with charlie, he was born like a month early, but so was i, we were both pretty much fine, my dad never wanted to rush into marriage, my mum didn't mind, but i think when you get your girlfriend pregnant twice it's kinda the deal. Ok sorry that just sounds weird. My parents got married when I was 3 and Charlie was 2. My dad looks at me, clearly unsure what to say, my mum is clearly trying not to say something she's gonna regret later, so i just walk away.

I’m not really sure how long it had been since that ‘argument’ but after a bit charlie knocked on my door, i let him in and we cuddled in my bed for a bit, “i heard what you said” he eventually says “did ollie?” i reply, “no, i don't think so” he responds, i nod, “the funny thing is your right” he chuckles, i laugh softly back, “its weird how people look at us and don't realise” i say, “i know right like i was casually talking about it to Sarah and she was in pure shock!” Charlie laughs, Sarah is Nick's mum, she's nice, i like her. We just laugh for a bit and at some point Charlie falls asleep in my arms and I start to drift off too. to be honest it's the best sleep I've had in a long time.

I don't really remember my childhood, it was normal i guess, the funny thing is that majority of the memories i have include charlie, which yeah like he’s my brother, but what i mean is their special, like my main happy memories, charlie and i have been through everything together, like when i got my first period when i was 9 my mum was at some baby appointment since she had just had ollie and i thought i was dying so for some reason instead of going to my dad i went to my little brother, obviously he didn't know what was happening to me so he just held me and cuddled me as i cried, my dad eventually found us and comforted me until my mum came home, and when he came out to us, he had blurted it out one dinner when he was 13 and run to his room before anyone could react, i ran after him and held him and talked to him and told him how proud i was and how much i loved him, and when i was like 6 i decided i wanted to run away, i don't remember why i just did, and my 5 year old little brother asked if he could come with me and so i said yes and we attempted to camp out on our trampoline we had growing up (our grandparents gave it to us or something) and eventually we got to cold and went inside and my parents said we could all stay up and watch a movie but im pretty sure we fell asleep in like 15 minutes. To be honest the list goes on and on, and now that I think about it I realise why people think we’re twins. I know it's total bullshit, but you know what I mean, like for a good 3 or 4 years growing up we were the same height. The thing is charlie will always be mine, he was mine first and biologically we will always be together, i would do anything for him, i would for either of my brothers, i would kill for them no questions asked, i would die for them, i would lie for them and i will always protect them. My parents used to always say that was my job as the older sibling, and it's funny because it’s true, but I could choose not to, but I want to, it's a habit, it's a need. For a long time i always thought i only felt that way about my brothers, that was until michael came into my life and nick really became part of our family, i mean it will always be a different kind of love, but i would still do anything for them. No questions asked.

I eventually actually fall asleep holding Charlie, as if it's a habit, I wake up at what has to be a decent hour for someone who has slept in, (it was around 10:30) I wake up still holding Charlie and ollie curled next to me like a kitten, they're both still asleep, but clearly about to wake up, I just lie there for a while longer, savoring it like it's the last time it will be this way, even if it probably isn't. The boys wake up around 5 minutes after I do. Nick and Michael come over, and we just sit and watch movies all day, and play Mario kart, and laugh until our stomachs hurt. I could get used to this, I love these boys, all in different ways, but yet the same, listen I am aware I probably sound like I'm reminiscing on my deathbed right now, but when you have lived a shit life like me and have seen things a person should never have to see, whether a child or a teenager, or even an adult, you treasure moments like this, my parents are still home, their just doing their own thing, them seem happy, they definitely talked about what I had said, I don't care, if they wanted to punish me they would’ve by now.

Right now high school musical is playing due to Nick and Michael learning ollie has never watched it and they apparently must educate him and their dancing and singing around the room together and me and charlie are sitting on the couch admiring it all. I kiss his cheek and he smiles at me. I love my boys.

But Nick should probably stop encouraging ollie to dance on the coffee table before someone gets told off or hurt.

Ok I'm not okay 🥹🥹🥹😍😍😍😍😍

How is it posible that, after almost a year of following heartstopper and Alice's work, I hadn't found these short stories before 😱🥹😍😍 I chose to start with Julio and Jane's short story and I wanna say it had me hooked the whole afternoon.... Alice's writing is incredibly awesome ... I'm happy that I still have some more stories to keep on reading during the week....

I don’t have a lot but

They go out once a month for a ‘date night’ (idk if this is normal because my parents don’t do this 💀)

Jane still has that piece of paper Julio wrote his number on in her bed side table draw.

And he says, "Then you can only get more wonderful."

i binged the Jane and Julio story and literally fell in love.