#jamais vu

HDB blackout: non catastrophic edition

(In this moment, you are loved.)

(BECAUSE YOU FORCED THEM TO.)

quote is from fireworks by mitski. details under the cut!

btsmemeories

Love at first sight or something new, you look at me looking at you. Eyes meet, head’s say “WHEW”. Heart’s pounding, now it’s two. ~ Who smiles first, who looks away? Who speaks first, what’s there to say? Could this be our lucky day? Or déjà vu the other way.

 I know the Gods can be generous. Sometimes fate can be as well. But I am unsure what to make of this. Yunessa sat in Neatherholme, watching deformed shadows between slumped houses as firelight chased them away. Anevia and Seelah didn’t recognize me. Neither does Wendaug, Horgus, or any of the other Mongrels. 

Yunessa checked their bracelet. The stone still looked dull, but it was functioning. I haven’t lost my mind or the stone would be darkly coloured and out of charge. I haven’t lost my mind.  Their eyes watched the firelight play with the shadows. This feels real. The cold stone I’m sitting on. The cold air brought in by the river still smells like chalk, as dark as pitch with its blind fish swimming beneath the water.  The fire they sat by warmed their cold hands and Yunessa sourly eyed the stack of firewood. Dried mushrooms weren’t normally something that was good to burn, but whatever kind of mushrooms grew down here seemed able to be a passable substitute.

I can feel myself breathe. I see. I feel tired, hungry. Is there such a thing as a second chance or am I having a dream?  One of the many things Yunessa had heard of death was that you relived your life if Pharasma was deciding where to send your soul and had trouble finalizing their choice.  But if I was standing before the Lady of Graves surely I’d be standing before her and not reliving this memory. I went almost the same as the first time. It wouldn’t deviate either. Yunessa hadn’t claimed any visions from Desna this time and it had been easier to default to how they had acted the first time.

The angel sword remains. Yunessa felt it when their mind turned towards it and as they closed their hand around an invisible hilt, they knew it would come if they called for it. That much they felt was true. The sword remains and so does this.  They took off the necklace they had strung Daeran’s ring on. The scratched silver ring looked no different  than before with some of its fine gems missing or chipped. Not even the initials of Daern’s ring had changed.

“I’m sorry.” They told the ring. Daeran couldn’t hear them.  I’m not sure why my thoughts keep moving to you. Perhaps it’s that you’re stuck in a party in your house with someone dangerous and it bothers me. It’s not like I won’t save you again.

 Something about that thought made them pause. Was it worth it to go through Kenabres again? They could recall it all. From meeting their other companions to the corpses in the street. The rain and chill. 

Ember singing children’s rhymes as she splashed through the puddles. Woljif chained in the Defender’s Heart basement, stuck there as Keresmei wanted to (rightfully) blame him for theft. Finnean stuck beneath a bookcase, crying for help.  Ramien stubbornly refusing to leave the city even as Hulrun wanted his head on a pike.  Anevia would still have a limp.Galfrey standing in the tent and calling them knight Commander. 

But would any of them be able to get through the Shield maze if Yunessa left Kenabres? Would Daeran survive the serial killer at his party? Or would Ublrig wake up in the library at all if they hadn’t gone poking around there? Would Aravashinal survive the streets of Kenabres? Would Lann survive Wendaug? Defender’s Heart Inn might survive. Might.But the citizens Yunessa had saved wouldn’t survive.

So many questions. So many possibilities that Yunessa just being there had changed just by existing in the right moment. The longer Yunessa stared at the fire, the more it gnawed at them. The answer was obvious. As much as they wanted to slip through the shield maze and leave Kenabres right now, there was no question what they’d do next.

One of them tried to grab at me when the gargoyle plucked me from the ground. Woljif put his hands over my throat as I bled out. Without thinking about it, Yunessa felt themself rise up from their seat. 

“Once more.” They told the fire. “Ignoring all this other business. One more time.”  My friends are waiting and there’s people that need me. The choice was made and they could almost feel the wheel of fate creak in the back of their mind. 

(Jamais vu is the opposite of deja vu. Where something that should be familiar feels unknown or strangely new)

Thanks <3, @zaza-aac

I hope this is good! If not lmk :)

Jamais-vu is very under researched 😓