#jam talks

This is my house and I will say what I want, but to start here is a disclaimer: This is a big long rant of my thoughts! I don't mind explaining stuff in further detail but be kind! June Egbert is canon and nothing can change that. But if you're going to act like Egbert can't be read as transmasc or nonbinary in the original texts I do think you're being deliberately obtuse. The idea that the transmasc and genderfluid john headcanons that persisted for years before the popularization of June Egbert were all a result of projection and had no substance or reasoning is disingenuous. If you firmly believe John and June can NOT coexist and are certain you won’t change your mind this post isn’t for you. Now then this is my rambling thoughts on why I love genderfluid John and believe his existence would save him. When June first became popularized as a headcanon many of the points people brought up, akining them to their personal trans fem experiences were some of the same points other people used for trans masc john- but, for lack of better wording, it was like looking at these experiences through a funhouse mirror. Where some people perceived June as clinging to the toxic aspects of masculinity to cope with what she thought she needed to be and just remaining miserable for it, others perceived trans masc john as doing the same. Overcompensating for different reasons in a sense. Did June cling to it because it was what her dad wanted? Expected? Did John cling to it as a comfort? Something necessary to be a “man”? The original comic gives us no definitive answers, but something everyone can agree on is these ideas of being manly, strong, and (maybe) insensitive/jerky do Egbert more harm than good. Is this entirely intentional though or is this a result of people not perceiving John as a whole?

Outside of moments where John verbally reasserts his manliness and toughness, where do John’s interests lie? Jokes and practical japery, magic, video games and movies, and paranormal lore. Dissecting these only one of them may really explore John’s inner feelings of gender in Homestuck- his love of movies. John loves action and apocalyptic films, expressing his love of the traditionally masculine, rough and manly male leads with admiration for the female characters sprinkled in here and there. For Con Air he projected heavily onto the male lead, idolizing the idea of being a strong hero, standing up for what’s right, and (most interestingly) being reunited with a loving wife and daughter. While someone could brush this off as June looking for a role model in what she thinks she is supposed to be, or perhaps misattributing some kind of romantic attraction to a feeling of “wanting to be him”, I think it goes deeper than that. If we were to remove the concept of gender from this entirely it shows that Egbert wants to be strong, a hero, and part of a loving family- specifically in the role of a caretaker who is desired and respected. John only ever defends his adoration when other people mock or belittle him for it. His hatred for the film only manifests during a time John’s own self hatred and grief were at an all time high, his denouncement of ConAir not really being targeted at Cameron Poe but himself and his frustration of being (mostly) isolated and confined. 

Is this even about gender anymore? Let’s look further.

While some people do think Dad was abusive, or June hated him, I have to disagree. Because despite young Egbert perceiving their father as this pinnacle of manliness, is that what you actually saw? Because despite dad Egbert being sharp, strong, and gentlemanly he did a lot of things that weren't traditionally masculine. A single father raised by a single mother, he baked often and taught John the art of pranking- one of their greatest joys and something June stopped doing in the epilogues/BC despite it being one of her favorite things and an integral part to her character. Dad never belittled John, each of his letters full of praise and support, almost heavy handedly so. While he would often use gendered language- such as "son", "man", etc.- the idea that any of it was malicious, as if to curb any femininity June might show, seems a bit of a stretch. Dad Egbert remained silently worried, perhaps the only true poignant evidence of toxic masculinity, when John suffered from nightmares and scribbled his inner hatred over his posters in the colors of those he considered his friends.But maybe he did ask, and maybe John didn’t understand because he couldn’t see his own writing on the walls. Which led to the miscommunication and Dad Egbert trying to support his child’s “interest” in harlequin dolls with matching gifts.

The truth of dad egbert is he is a man who was loved, whose corpse John discovered at the tender age of 13, and was never properly mourned.

How does gender play into this???

It doesn’t, and that’s the issue. Egbert, despite their quirks and the uniqueness of their circumstances, is a character people project onto and relate to. They are a trusting character who despite their skepticism loves their friends and does their best to believe in them. Personalized cards on their birthdays, gifts catered to them, thinking of them fondly, listening to them not because they want to but because they TRUST them- even when their friends belittle them, mock them, blame them. Karkat projects his own self-hatred onto John. Dave projects his bro’s expectations onto John. Vriska projects her entire EGO onto John.

And they take it. Because John struggles with their identity, their grief, their communication, their responsibilities, and their own self hatred.

Because John HATES himself and he doesn’t want to disappoint others and have them hate him too. They expect him to be a leader when he just wants to be their friend. They expect him to be a “man” so he tries to fit that role. They expect him to take care of himself and he doesn’t know how, having always followed what others asked of him even if they wouldn’t do the same for him.

And even not Egbert can not meet the expectations of the audience. There will be people who are disappointed if “John” ceases to exist, and people who are disappointed if “June” isn’t all she is. There are people disappointed with June’s clothes and figure despite her being nothing more than a nameless silhouette. Too feminine. There would be people who would be disappointed if she was too masculine. 

While people criticize the genderfluid John headcanon for its “only” root being set in John’s aspect of Breath- freedom and change- I think they’re missing the mark. Because it can also mean to be unbound. Unbound from the expectations and the worries of others, shifting on a whim to whatever feels most right. Freedom of expression, a shift from role to role, a trickster god who stands center stage as whatever they wish rather than a stone-stiff silhouette.

While genderfluidity may sound like a compromise to some, a cop-out to not disappoint anyone, I think it would save John from disappointing themselves. It’s not just about expression after all, them being a woman or man may bring personal euphoria but it doesn’t fix their destroyed relationships. It won’t suddenly make them a more sensitive person, a less anxious person, a person unburdened by responsibilities no matter what some people might think. That would take work.

But, while it may be hard to empathize for those of you who aren’t nonbinary or genderfluid or even trans, feeling free from the burdens of a binary can be invigorating. Not having to worry about how well you present, how “right” or “wrong” you are, is freeing. I truly believe John cutting ties with these self/peer-imposed expectations would leave him room to grow, to look inward, to not worry about changing on the outside but rather on the inside.

That’s my take on the matter at least. At its core I really do believe Egbert’s biggest issues aren’t their gender but rather their grief, lack of support system, and possible undiagnosed autism. I think genderfluid john would be awesome, but therapy would probably be better. Either way June is awesome and I hope she stands center stage with John one day, like Roxy and Roxy. Either that like army of John and Junes lead by a single John that has shed their flesh and moral form, that would be super cool.

i had me yearly gangbang yedderday... some recap here from a diff acct i posted after the fact:

shoutout to the old british guy in my gangbang who while actively fucking me said "My word, your breasts are magnificent!" full british accent i was like am i in Marleybone Wizard101

AND the queer af looking couple that came at me with a knotted dildo! good god! what a power move

one of da hosts of the party was this other (non british) large older guy (white hair except is all body hair) and giving Bear and well i mean like well im well Well ok yea he was my fave i guess im an Big old man luster now AND he came for seconds AND he said he welcomes future interactions

after drawing all the old man yaoi + syra i must have done something to my psyche MARK (the host guy who was cool) where u at i wanna smash again. mans probably lives in the city tho meaning im probably 10938 years away (like 1 hour)

i cant believe i old man yaoi art'd so hard i made myself be sexually attracted to big ole old men. i mean tbf i always was like Big and Stronk was hot. there was a good mix of younger and older people and there lots of other older dudes too than british boy and host hoe but like all them elderly twinks. dont even hold a candle to big man. must be the size diff kink LMAO

yes but in a whimsical kinda way yk :3

Sorry for the late reply, but yes, I voice acted Kris here! Although it was still a very weird casting as I was basically off-handedly told "oh hey, btw we're using your Kris noises". Im so grateful anyone enjoyed the like 2 noises i did that made it into the animation!

It's been a very weird 3 months as this all started as me looking for online friends to just play the games and now it's a whole dubbing team.

We'll be posting more dubs here soon, I'm just bad and this is one of the sites I forget to post to a lot. If you'd like to see all the dubs we've done so far, you can check out the yt!

as i’m sure the few of y’all that are still here have noticed, this blog is pretty much dead! tumblr is pretty much a ghost town now—a FAR cry from how it was back when i first joined. i don’t really feel like putting any energy into it anymore—so, consider this my farewell to tumblr!

for those of y’all who wanna keep in touch (but don’t have a way to do so),

my discord handle is @radscuttle, and my bluesky account can be found here!

just make sure you let me know who ya are and where you’re from if you shoot me a message!