#jaith headcanons

Keith and James run into each other one night and basically take their emotions out on one another. James tries to remain composed, giving Keith his condolences in what he thinks is an appropriate gesture. But it triggers Keith, again reminding him of his father's death; Keith insists Shiro isn’t dead b/c he refuses to believe Shiro made a pilot error (although a part of him feels it must be true, he’d never admit it to himself), and it makes James feel even more inadequate (even dead, Shiro is always Keith's first choice; James isn’t enough); James lashes out, saying the mission ultimately failed one way or another. He tells Keith that for Keith’s own benefit, he must accept that truth.

Keith, hurt (scared that James is right) and confused (he doesn't understand why James is suddenly in his business), accuses James of benefiting from his suffering (since without Keith, James would be the best pilot of the cadets), to which James is hurt by (he thinks Keith sees him as a bad person, even though James been trying to help; how could Keith think that?), and insists otherwise. Keith yells to prove it, without really thinking; he's tired of what he perceives as lies (he feels that somehow Shiro’s death [and his father's death/Krolia's absence] was a rejection of himself; he wasn’t good enough to make Shiro stay; Shiro didn’t actually care about him, only said that he did), and wants to hear James just say that he hates Keith to make it plain and simple to leave and hate James back.

Atp James doesn’t know what to do other than kiss Keith in order to prove he does cares about Keith. It was a spur of the moment decision, but James is desperate at this point. He feels like his future is falling apart and he’s feeling reckless. He wants a win, he wants to do something that makes him feel good. His discipline and self-restraint aren’t paying off like he's been taught his entire life. This is his act of rebellion, his “fck it all”, him doing something he’s wanted to do for a long time. He wants to save Keith, be the one to make him happy. He wants to be first place to Keith. He can’t put his feelings into words, so he just acts. (I don't want to encourage this, please do ask first before kissing someone lol)

Keith is shocked, having thought that James hated him. But James’ gentle touch makes him doubt. Being touch-starved and lonely, Keith feels suddenly like maybe James could actually care about him. Keith kisses him back, emotional with the thought that someone loves him (he knows it’s probably not love-love, but it feels real in the moment; he suddenly feels whole). They spend some time like that before Keith realizes he’s scared that James might leave him, too. Getting attached to another person so quickly, it scares him. He blames the grief, and anticipates being abandoned again, so he pulls back and runs away in a panic

James is hurt, rejected and confused. Keith seemed to like the kiss, but then, he seemed to hate it. He questions himself, too, b/c he doesn’t want to like guys. His parents would be disappointed in him for so many different reasons. He questions what he's doing with his life.

Keith, on the other hand, is scared of what his loneliness is making him feel/do. He hadn’t ever considered James as a potential romantic partner before, but it suddenly clicks that what they did wasn’t unpleasant. The intimacy and desire for intimacy he feels scares him.

Part 5 will feature the aftermath and more complicated emotions >:3

(I also forgot to add in the last part that I think James admired/was jealous of Keith’s bravery in that Keith stood up to bullies in higher grades, say to protect an injured animal for example, while James was too scared. He liked this quality in Keith but began wondering if Keith was somehow a better or stronger person than him, but pushed it aside bc James was definitely the better student. Now James had less to prove his superiority without that piece)

James also hates how Shiro is mentoring KEITH when James was the one who did everything right (again a second place complex). He’s jealous of Keith bc of the opportunities Shiro gives him. But he’s also jealous of Shiro bc Shiro seems to be the one person Keith actually likes, which James could never manage to be

This leads James to continue bullying Keith and Keith just isn’t really paying much attention to James other than when James makes a snide comment or two, but even then, Keith replies with something snarky back. This frustrates James and this in combination with Keith getting the whole class in trouble and affecting their grades is what eventually leads him to make the “is that what your parents told you before—“ comment bc he knew it would be a guaranteed way to upset Keith (I do hc that everyone knew about Keith’s father at their elementary school bc 1) probably that school was near the orphanage and had lots of orphans in it, so it was probably normalized/kids were desensitized to it and 2) I imagine it would be one of those situations where the teacher would tell the class prior to Keith joining the class to be extra nice bc he just lost his dad. I don’t think angry frustrated James would really be thinking clearly about what he was actually saying; he just wanted to get to Keith)

After Keith punches him, though, Shiro seems to hang out with Keith more (again pissing James off/making him jealous of both of them bc Keith should not be rewarded for his behavior and Keith should smile at James like that, not Shiro), and Keith seems to pay less attention to James, seems less bothered by James’ snide comments, which frustrates him even more

Homophobic rumors about Keith and Shiro being a thing begin too bc they are seen spending a lot of time together outside of class. James at first thinks they’re ridiculous, but his insecurities tell him they’re true (in James’ mind, he would rather Shiro be a groomer and Keith be tricked into liking Shiro than Keith just normally picking Shiro over him) and he’s once again jealous. Keith on the other hand, is distant from his classmates so has no idea about the rumor

So atp, they both think they hate each other, but James also sorta enjoys the, albeit aggressive, attention from Keith when he can get it

They do sorta continue their jealousy dynamic though, where James is jealous of Keith’s freedom and talent, and Keith is jealous of James’ discipline and overall likability

James at this time is also confused about his sexuality (although he’s in denial) because he does find Keith more attractive these days and it’s harder to say it’s because Keith resembles a girl as they grow up. But he refuses to think he’s attracted to guys. He resents and blames Keith for making him confused.

Will make a part three for pre-kerb drama!! Ft. A lot more Shiro LOL

Cut to the launch:

Keith had an emotional breakdown at the launch bc he felt he was being abandoned all over again (first his mom, then dad, now Shiro). He felt no one cared about him, and no matter what, he’d never be enough to be another’s first priority (ironically similar to James’ second place complex)

James saw Keith’s emotional breakdown and realized that Keith was indeed more human and vulnerable than James realized. In all their years of knowing each other, James had never seen Keith cry. It made him wonder what made Keith cry. He felt curious—Keith was always someone he couldn’t understand. He wants to be the one to “solve the mystery”

A rumor goes around that Keith had a breakdown bc Shiro broke up with him. James doesn’t want this to be true, so confronts Keith to ask what happened, but Keith gets defensive and doesn’t tell him anything.

Keith is questioning why James even cares so much (he first assumed James had an ulterior motive, but he did seem genuine in a way Keith hadn’t seen before)

Keith eventually hears about the rumors and punches a guy for calling Shiro a slur and a creep. He gets suspended, and wonders if James started the rumors, but notices James has been sorta watching him in a different way than usual. James seems more curious, less judgmental, less guarded and defensive. Keith doesn’t know how to feel about it.

James is concerned for Keith (he looks rougher than usual after Shiro left), but Keith is too prickly to allow James to get any closer. James stays back and just observes as Keith slowly seems to improve. They still have their rivalry, but in some ways, it feels less personal and heated

Cut to the night the Kerberos Mission Failure was announced on the news:

James hadn’t heard the news, but Keith did. He has a slight breakdown and vomits in the bathroom of his dorm. James catches him there, and leaves to fetch him a bottle of water, but Keith is gone by the time he comes back. James wonders what’s wrong, and Keith’s walls are back up full force

When the official Kerberos Mission failure is announced, the garrison has an assembly. Keith is waiting for more information to be given, but when nothing substantial is said other than "pilot error," he has an outburst. He's angry that they claimed it was pilot error in the first place (he refused to believe Shiro messed up; he didn't want to believe it, although a part of him was scared it was true), angry that no one is being sent to rescue them, angry that they're already talking about the crew in the past tense, like they are distant heroes, not human beings who may have just died. He is triggered, reminded of the way people talked about his father when he died. They'd mourn for a short period before forgetting about them completely and the very real consequences of losing someone. Iverson stops his outburst, pulling him aside before other officers can take him away, giving Keith one last warning out of respect for Shiro b/c the two of them were close. Iverson convinces Keith to suck it up and not to throw away everything that Shiro did for him. Keith eventually agrees, even more aware that Shiro was the only thing standing between him and expulsion.

James isn't surprised about Keith's outburst. A small part of him agrees with what Keith said (this has to be false, tell us what happened), but the larger part of him tells him to be disciplined, restrained, and have faith in his institution. He criticizes Keith in his head, wondering why Keith always self-sabotages himself, why he can't show restraint (he's reminded that the only person Keith seems to care about is Shiro; Shiro seemed to be more important than everything to Keith in James' mind, and it makes him irrationally angry). He also realizes why Keith was vomiting in the bathroom.

Just as Keith feared, James sort of thinks of Shiro more as a symbol, a hero, rather than a person, so he doesn't quite understand the loss Keith is experiencing. James has never lost anyone very close to him (maybe only his grandpa, who he was never really close to, but he sort of equates Keith's loss to that, so doesn't really understand Keith's pain)

The entire Garrison is feeling the loss, too, and many of James’ friends are quitting the fighter pilot program, deciding it’s safer to stay out of space. James is upset; it feels like a personal attack on his dreams that he’s fought for for so long— his dreams that made him unique from his brother and made his parents proud. Where would he end up if he just quit? He’d be a disappointment. He has a fight with his friends about it and storms off.

Part 4 will feature their first kiss!!

So this is kinda where my ideas diverge. I have like two different paths that I'm stuck between LOL

The first path, I think is probably more canon-compliant??:

After their kiss, Keith and James sort of keep away from each other, awkwardly pretending that nothing happened. I think Keith would purposefully avoid/ignore James, and James would pick up on that and do the same.

In Keith’s mind, interacting with James is dangerous, putting his heart at risk to break again. He acts cold, like nothing’s changed between them, and is stuck between the thought that James must actually like him vs. now that Keith has run away, James must hate him. He’s caught in the what-if’s and longs for connection, but refuses to act on it in order to protect himself

Meanwhile, James keeps his distance b/c he sees Keith's fleeing as a rejection of himself, so to protect himself, he doesn't engage with Keith, either.

The second path (CW: fwb situationship LOL, but nothing explicit):

sooo they become fwb LOL

Keith's desire for intimacy leads him to become more interested in James, who he sees as his only viable option to alleviate his loneliness.

But Keith, wanting intimacy, while simultaneously being afraid of it, knows that he doesn't want a relationship, but he can't help being drawn to James, who might actually like him despite his many flaws

and James, despite having vowed to never engage with another man romantically/sexually again, can't really deny his attraction to Keith, and can't really stop himself from engaging with Keith either

Any interaction with Keith is both a comfort and risk for James; interactions meant that maybe Keith didn't hate him, that maybe Keith hadn't rejected him, after all. Maybe James was good enough finally. But being with Keith was risky in that he could get hurt or outed for liking guys

They never have a formal arrangement/clarification of what their relationship is (b/c they both suck at clear communication); and they never really decide for themselves whether they want to pursue anything. It just sort of happens one day, where they're butting heads and then suddenly making out

They never tell the other that they like/love them in fear that the other doesn't really feel the same way. They're both getting attached, but won't let the relationship go further

They keep their relationship under wraps and act more distant from one another outside their alone time

They don’t really talk ever about anything deep or substantial; they’re both just in and out. Although both wish for more, they're both too scared.

Either path leads to this scene though, which I made art for:

Keith walks along the edge of a Garrison building; they’re not allowed up there but Keith is feeling reckless, contemplating his place at the garrison and in general. He’s contemplating whether to stay or go. He’s mourning the loss of Shiro, feeling meaningless, but invincible like nothing can hurt him more than he’s already been hurt. (More details on the post I linked)

James sees Keith walking along the edge of the roof through the window of a different building and feels a sense like he needs to see Keith. Against his better judgment, James finds himself sneaking past hall monitors and cameras to reach Keith. He’d never do this normally, but for some reason, he feels he needs to

When James arrives on the roof, Keith notices him, but doesn’t face him. Keith keeps his eyes on the sky. He sort of subconsciously tests James here, trying to subtly see if James truly cares for him. He opens up just the slightest, but James shifts focus. James is scared to open up, telling Keith to step away from the edge bc it’s dangerous.

Keith tells him he’s not afraid and moves closer to the edge to which James panics a bit more, calling out “Keith!”

James hasn’t called Keith by his first name since elementary school, and the way James said it with genuine concern and worry reminds Keith of Shiro, the only person Keith thought sorta cared for him. Keith finally turns to face James fully and James is taken aback by how beautiful Keith is. He doesn’t like that he's attracted to Keith and sorta goes back to being a bit hypercritical of Keith as a self-defense, questioning why Keith is even up here.

Keith shoots the question right back at James, and James doesn’t know what to say. Keith is secretly hoping James will admit that he likes Keith, looking for a reason to stay at the garrison, stay where he’s wanted.

But James is too scared to admit his feelings. Eventually, James just tells Keith to be careful and Keith takes it as a hint that James doesn't truly care for him. Keith tells him to be careful, too, and leaves James alone on the roof.

James gets the sense he'd never see Keith again after that.

before his dad died, Keith lived in a small, conservative, and predominantly white neighborhood in the country with his dad

Keith's dad loved him, but was still mourning the loss of Krolia and ended up becoming addicted to alcohol, especially with the general culture of the town that encouraged drinking (he also used drinking to cope with any accidents in his line of work)

as a result, his dad was emotionally unavailable and often physically unavailable due to work and couldn't meet Keith's emotional needs, leading to Keith never learning how to emotionally regulate himself

this led to Keith throwing many tantrums (which he would learn actually manages to get his father's attention), to which his (drunk) dad would respond to poorly, lashing out by yelling or handling him roughly (I don't think he fully hit Keith; the most he'd do is grabbing him or spanking and the sort [pls don't do this to ur kids, though; studies have proven it's not even effective in teaching kids and actually harms them and ur relationship with them])

but after cooling off/sobering up, his dad would apologize and tell Keith that he couldn't cry b/c crying was weak and he had to be strong, so Keith learns he should never show weakness/vulnerability. And because of his dad's genuine apologies and tenderness after lashing out, Keith generally had a positive view of his dad (I think he and Keith also bonded just doing normal things like crafts or going out stargazing on good days)

his dad provided for him physically (food, water, shelter, etc.), and his dad did express remorse for hurting Keith, and as a young child, Keith couldn't really reconcile his two conflicting views of his father (aggressive vs. kind), and thus, saw his dad as unpredictable. And so Keith couldn't ever completely trust his dad, resulting in overall trust issues.

Keith would also grow to blame his dad's outbursts on himself for being a bad kid (since his dad seemed to treat him like one and occasionally criticize him as so), as he couldn't understand the other factors contributing to his dad's anger

he also questioned why his mom left, but his dad would always be vague, saying things like "other people needed her more", to which Keith develops the idea that "other people" are inherently more valuable than himself and that he is worthless.

and because Keith resembles Krolia so much, his dad would often comment on it, sometimes breaking down crying over it while drunk. Keith grew to despise Krolia for having left his dad in such terrible shape, and despise himself for making his dad cry. He would wish he looked differently, growing out his hair more to cover his face.

after his dad died, Keith would end up at the orphanage closest to James' school (and also the home Shiro had gone to). Keith would see his dad's death as a failing of his own. If Keith was a better kid, maybe his dad wouldn't have worked as much, or wouldn't have risked dying and leaving Keith alone by running into that burning building. To him, whoever was in that building must have been more important to his dad than Keith was.

At the home, the director and caretakers were strict and critical; they cared more about putting the kids in their places and making sure they were "disciplined" than making sure the kids were thriving. Keith, however, mourning the lost of his dad, lashed out often, and as a result, none of the (very few) staff liked him.

Now onto their school days:

during their elementary school years, Keith caught James’ attention bc Keith was the only one who didn’t seem to like him (a blow to his ego) no matter what James did. Keith was cold and rude to everyone, and James grew to despise that he somehow wasn't good enough for Keith (and also how he found Keith sorta pretty. After accidentally mentioning this to his family, he was scolded that boys can’t be pretty and the whole stereotypical thing LOL he blamed his attraction on Keith resembling a girl with his slightly long hair) and began bullying Keith instead

Part of this bullying included starting rumors that Keith was gay (being a small town in the south, the school climate was highly homophobic), despite the fact that James thought Keith had a crush on a girl in their class (it made him jealous and he projected his own feelings of self-hatred onto Keith)

Keith was confused over this (he actually was attracted to a girl in their class, although being bisexual) and was angry b/c people started treating him differently (still bad, but now worse and less afraid/with less respect). Keith grew more aggressive and distant from his classmates to compensate.

Keith would also internalize homophobia, noting it would be bad to like other guys, at least openly. (Later, though, he would discover Shiro, who was openly gay and still everything Keith wanted to be, and learn that maybe it was okay, after all.)

James also felt jealous of the supposed freedom Keith experienced, since he didn’t have any parents putting pressure on him and seemed to do whatever he pleased without worrying about getting in trouble; James hides his jealously by being hypercritical and telling himself that he was simply a better person than Keith

Keith didn’t pay much attention to James at first bc his father had just passed and he saw James as fake, only wanting to kiss up to people for his own gain. But when James started bullying him, Keith concluded James just hated him, so he would hate James back

Keith was also jealous of James’ ability to do everything “right”, while Keith felt he did everything wrong. He told himself he didn’t care or that being a “discipline case” and being “himself” was better than being fake and perfect (I put “himself” in quotes bc I think he sees himself as a bad kid, even though that’s not really who he is)

Cut to when Shiro visits—James realizes Keith is better than him and despises him for it, but doesn’t worry too much bc as per usual, Keith messed up his chances at anything great by stealing Shiro’s car

Part two will feature their garrison days!!