#jadenmatthew

But I did see my Paramour while I was in Vegas, I just didn’t make a big post about it.

But it felt so comfortable being around them this time, this was our 3rd time meeting in person.

Also, it was the first time we said, “I love you”.

So, I actually did in fact meet up with my paramour yesterday.

It was really last second and I didn’t even think it would happen. The night before I got a text asking what casino I was at, I honestly thought we wouldn’t see each other. I thought they were making conversation.

So around 6 am the next morning, which I couldn’t sleep at all. I get a text saying “Good Morning, I’ll see you in 30 mins” I got super excited. I waited for them outside and let me say it was super fucking windy. So, they pulled up, I instantly knew it was their car, I told them I actually needed to drive up with them to park cause of the way the parking was, we already prepaid for 2 cars and I wanted them to use the parking pass. They call me as I am walking to their car, they wave to me, and being the cool cat I am, have my shades on and wave back like “oh you’re here, whatever man” inside I was super excited but I didn’t want to look like a nerd like the first time we met.

So I climbed in their car (really cute car by the way, apparently we have the same taste in cars too) took them to the place where they could park, when we got the elevator to go down to the hotel I pretty much instantly went in for a hug and said “I missed you” they smelled amazing, I just stood there for a second so I could remember the moment. 

We get back to my hotel room, I let paramour meet my new roommate that I am living with in San Diego, they bond briefly over the fact both of them are in college in their 30′s and my roommate leaves to go back to her room. I’m both nervous and excited to be around my paramour again, I had concerns as you can see from my previous post because I am just not in the right mine space to start anything too serious. So once I finally calmed down and got adjusted them like before, we once again like before, just cuddled and talked. The only thing different this time is I cried, I’ve been so overwhelmed lately I just... cried. Paramour while holding me, goes “what’s wrong?” and I tell them I have no idea, I just needed to cry while feeling safe.  Paramour then, cradles my head and starts rubbing the back of my neck as a kind of “It’s okay, I’m here for you” kind of thing. I need to say, they are super respectful to me and their Mama raised a very wonderful human being. We talk a bit about life and how they are, and I asked them why they liked me so much. “Well’ they told me “you’re a weirdo and we have a lot in common” and it’s true we do, though if you ever saw me and them in public together you would have think we were the least likely of pairings. It’s weird, this time I paid attention to their body language, their eyes, smile and they way they talked. They always made sure I was okay, and they kept holding me until I felt okay. If I ever doubted they truly cared about me, I shouldn’t. We’ve been through a lot and I think they are here for the long haul. 

Even though once again it was only for 2 hours, I am glad I got to see them, there were quite a few goodbye kisses and I even took a couple photo’s with them. They kept apologizing that they had to leave, mainly because they didn’t want me to think they didn’t want to be around me I think. I told them I understood and school was important, they even skipped their first class to be with me, and that really meant a lot to me.

I’m back in San Diego now, and I hope they would like to come to see me next time, that way we can get to know each other without a time limit.

I am indeed back in Vegas, and yes this is where my paramour lives,

However, we actually made no plans to meet up this time due to their school and working full time.  

I just moved to San Diego and my now roommates decided to go for the weekend, and weekends are pretty bad for someone who works in retail. I almost didn’t want to go since I’m broke as fuck, they they wanted me to come to celebrate our birthdays, which I suppose is nice of them.

I also haven’t really mentioned my paramour in a while, so I just before I forget what happened I’m going to make a small (Maybe Small?) blurb about it.

Okay, so a few weeks ago I finally got to talk to my Paramour on the phone, this was actually legit the first time we talked on the phone since I saw them in Vegas. (According to my cousin who overhead me talking on the phone with them, apparently I was “giggling like a school girl, and I was cute” she even mentioned she was jealous that she doesn’t have anyone currently that makes her do that)  We both got really busy last year and we barely got to talk about what happened that day, I had convinced myself that my feelings for them were one sided and I was headed back down the same road I had with them before. 

So we get to talking, and they mentioned something along the lines of “well our connection” and I instantly perked up, so a night or so before all of this I watched a movie called “Like Crazy” it’s bittersweet love story about a couple who has this majorly huge connection and sadly it’s a long distance relationship, and it kills them being away from each other. ANYWAYS, there is a line in the movie where Anna says to Jacob, “ It doesn't feel like this, this thing is gonna go away, it's always there. I can't... I can't get on with my life” and I swear to sweet baby Thora, I have never related to a line in a movie as well as I have that line.  So after my paramour says this I go “So, about this connection you mentioned, I need to tell you, the feelings I have for you, aren’t going to go away” and my paramour goes “Okay, I want to let you know (and at this point I feel my heart in my throat) these feelings you have for me? Aren’t one sided, I think about you everyday and I know I have a horrible time showing it, but I do and I don’t ever want this feeling to go away”

So after they tell me this, I instantly feel the world lift off my shoulders and I cry, and I finally admitted to them after we saw each other I felt like something was missing and I cried after they left to go to class. 

The MAJOR reason why my paramour is my paramour (which I did they tell I call them my paramour and they agreed that’s the best way to describe this thing we have at the moment) and not an official partner, is mainly because of the long distance, and they still are currently living with their (ex) girlfriend which I honestly don’t like one god damn bit but I understand why we have to keep this  secret as long as they living in Vegas and going to school. Up until a couple days ago, I was in the exact situation. We are hoping once we start actually seeing each other in person more often we can talk about our crossroads so to speak, we both agreed we will plan our lives with each other in them, and without them. I honestly can’t wait to be in California and close to my paramour, after a decade it feels really good to still have these feelings for someone like I do and to know after all this time they feel the same way... it’s an amazing feeling. 

1 year since I saw my Paramour, 1 year since I kissed them goodbye, 1 year since I heard their voice in person....1 year since the cuddle session that calmed me down from an anxiety attack, I miss them so much and what is worse is I’ve been so busy with everything and the time difference it’s ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE to talk...