#jackson diary

So first of all Jackson's feelings about exer are OBVIOUSLY complicated and that is especially shown in s3 where he can't tell if he cares about exer or want him to suffer and I, liu took it upon myself to deep dive into his emotions and explain it in 3 points

1) jealousy

He's both jealous of- and over exer

A) his jealousy of exer

Nobody discards exer after finding out the truth. They all support him despite of his previous actions and lies and I think Jackson is very bitter about this

He's bitter that after everything exer's done he's still very loved and supported

Now Jackson is obviously loved and supported too by the people around him but they don't know the full story about what happened at Halloween and what he said to exer before exer almost told the whole school about his magic

They don't know how much Jackson really pushed exer and Jackson doesn't want them to know because he knows he's horrible for these things and doesn't think he'd be as loved and supported if they found out

And that's a major reason why he would be so jealous of exer

B) He's jealous over exer

Exer is well loved and supported his friends know about his magic and are helping him very well, he's doing perfectly fine emotionally and mentally and doesn't need Jackson's help

If you pay DEEP attention you might notice that Jackson to an extent weirdly is protective of exer specifically for some reason that is probably magic related

The story doesn't acknowledge it and it can be glossed over and chalked to him being nice in s1, manipulative in s2 and start of s3 till he finally admits it with himself that he doesn't want exer to suffer

In s1 Jackson is basically following exer like a lost puppy, he constantly asks exer if he's ok only to be pushed away every time

And again that can be chalked to him being nice but his breaking point being that exer refused his help rather POLITELY before turning rude because of Jackson pushing him to accept his help

And then when he asks exer if he's fine after seeing him cry despite them fighting for like 2 weeks only to be bitter when he sees the group hugging and comforting exer and he responds in the pettiest way possible which is to kiss brenda- and look exer IN THE EYES WHILE DOING IT?

Of course there's the factor that he's lowkey obsessed with people liking him but he honestly doesn't need to genuinely care for exer if he just wants to get along (i.e., liked). And it is rather specific that this was the scene that really made him step to his lowest level

But hey, this is s1 Jackson it's not like he'd still care about exer after their fight, right?

He probably feels a bit guilty in s3.

I mean, it's not like he's going as far as to let himself get hurt for exer's sake don't be silly!

Oh look, he's doing exactly that!

2) he feels invalidated

The reds forgave exer, Pamela forgave exer, everyone forgave exer for all of his actions and think Jackson should hear him out EVEN his new friends -the detention kids- think that he should hear exer out

And here's the thing, Jackson has always been secretive about his own emotions and feelings, he's used to bottle up so his feelings aren't a burden to anyone else

Ever since day1 he never want anyone to know that he was stressed

So picture this. You're used to not tell others about your feelings but when you feel safe enough to talk about them to someone (the detention kids) and they (semi) side with the person who's caused you these negative emotions in the first place and tell you that you should hear him out.

When Jackson told them that he doesn't like the reds because of something the first response he got was a "we met them and they seem nice"

Now Jackson was kinda wrong in how he acted with the reds (and especially Brenda)

but the dikds don't know that; they don't know the reds and their relationship with Jackson they only talked to them like twice so that comment feels....disrespectful and discarding to Jackson's personal experience

It doesn't feel like the dikds are telling Jackson to hear exer out because it's good for him it feels like they're saying this because they like the reds and want to be friends with them from how fondly they speak of people they again don't know

Jackson realizes this and use it as a lie when he tells them why he chose exer to work on that project together

His friends want to befriend the people he dislikes, pamela already befriended the people he dislikes

Everyone wants to be friends and are constantly saying or hinting at it to him

The only thing standing in the way is HIM and his emotions

Suddenly his feelings that he JUST started feeling safe enough to explore are burdensome to others

He doesn't feel safe enough to explore his emotions because everyone are making him feel like he's just being difficult and making a deal out of nothing

3) he misses exer and thinks it's one sided

Now this ties with the section on his jealousy over exer

Jackson thinks about exer more than he likes

Be it anger care or longing, exer is on his mind more than he thinks he should be. While exer? Exer is doing perfectly fine, he has his friends and all the support he needs and there's absolutely no reason on why he'd ever think about Jackson smith

We know this isn't true and exer misses Jackson badly too but these two are so dysfunctional they don't know they both care and miss each other more than anyone would ever really know

Jackson feels upset when he sees how much better exer is with his friends while exer too feels bad when he sees Jackson happy with Elijah

(and much less obvious when he meets the dkids at cup o cat)

To Jackson and literally everyone else the reason why exer cares about him so much is some petty guilt

To everyone else the reason why Jackson would think about exer alot is because he's hurt by him

They don't consider that there are other factors

It's hard to think about someone who moved on from you; It makes you feel like your experience (and in that case, friendship too) wasn't all that important and you're silly for thinking about them so much still