#jackson centric

Im Jaebum’s last human memory is bitter anger, filling his chest, his eyes, and the screeching of tires. Moments of shooting pain and ringing in his ears before he wakes up to find himself dead.

There were a few people in the car with him, a few people that he hit, all around him equally dead and he can’t bring himself to care. He’s dead and part of him is more upset that they caused him enough anger to end up like that then he is that he’s dead.

A man with sunken eyes calls himself a demon and drags each person away and brings them back one at a time until they get to Jaebum. Jaebum follows along, observes the darkness of the place they take him, and watches someone else look him up and down before telling the demon they can take Jaebum away.

When he returns a woman who calls herself a reaper leads all the dead away, Jaebum included, and once in front of yet another person he doesn’t have enough time to have a clear memory of, he’s told the other will be reborn and he will be made an angel.

A guardian angels job is to keep humans alive. If they suffer isn’t all that important, just that they’re alive. Jaebum gets a handle on his ability to influence things around him- people as well- in order to keep the human he’s guarding alive. Quickly understands his job. But not why he has it.

He killed people. Sure it wasn’t on purpose, sure looking back he feels bad, but he had killed them and at the time it hadn’t mattered. At the time he was just so upset.

“How could you do this to me?!”

It hadn’t mattered what happened to them. It’s fifty years later that he can’t even remember what they were going to do to him. It’s fifty years later he sees a familiar face in a human he’s guarding- they really were reborn he realizes- that it sets in.

“Am I not a good person?” He wonders. How had someone who only years later feels guilty become an angel? Was it a joke? The worlds person joke against Jaebum. Maybe it’s punishment. Make him preserve life, eventually come to care about it more, so that he feels bad for what he’d done.

Mark’s last human memory is of a sharp pain in his back and his desperate reaching for the man he’d called his father. There’s a sound when he hits the ground, someone speaking to him. This is his own fault, Mark realizes. Everything here is his own fault.

Mark’s last human memories- no, rather the last human memories of someone who would later call himself Mark- are of him wishing he had never shown up where he was. Wishing he’d taken the person who helped him escape and kept running, instead of staying with the man who would become his father figure. Instead of assuming the man he was- illegitimately- the son of would let him go easily.

Instead of waiting around until he was found and killed. The arrow in his back when he looks down at his human body and the faces of his killers. They’re engraved into his memory even a few hundred years later.

Even after becoming an angel, even after becoming a being meant to preserve life and seeing hundred of faces. Of good people, of bad people, of doctors, of murders. The faces of those people, and the face of his father realizing he had died, haunt him.

“I’m sorry.” Mark apologizes every year, to the place where it happened, to a soul who has long since been reborn more than once.

Mark wonders if,  had he taken different actions, he would have ended up reborn, or a demon, or a reapers. Instead of an angel. If his actions had any impact on what happened, or if it was his feelings that made his soul one that became an angel. If he deserves to be given the job of protecting human life when he still wishes he could trade their lives for better peoples.

Jackson had wanted to be an entertainer; wanted to see people smile because of something he’d done. He’d break things or hurt himself doing dumb things for this. If it meant people would be happy, then it was okay.

Jackson’s last human memory is of him promising that he’ll be fine. It isn’t lost on him later, when he wakes up to find himself dead, that his last human action is to lie. He was supposed to fine, he’d pose and make a joke and then return to his friends and everything would be fine. But he falls.

“He wasn’t supposed to die.” Someone cries and it’s not anyone Jackson knows. Shock keeps Jackson from registering much as he’s taken to be told what he’d become. An angel sounds so nice until you are one, until your very soul sprouts wings and suddenly you’re supposed to keep humans alive while being unable to interact with them they way they do each other. Unable to make people smile.

So Jackson takes to pulling stunts around other angels, or demons, or reapers if he can manage and making them smile. It’s fine, he tells himself. Being dead isn’t so bad. But echos of ‘you shouldn’t hang around demons’ and ‘are all angels this annoying’ find their way to him. He laughs them off. Laughs everything off.

Until it comes crumbling down around him and he’s a liar. Jackson has always been. Sure he wanted people to smile, but mostly he just wanted their attention, wanted not to be forgotten. Jackson said he would be fine when he knew it was dangerous and tells people he takes his job as an angel seriously when really he’s just scared of being cast out and forced to live as a human again.

Sometimes, there were angels who didn’t care much about the rules. They got their job done, and they protected human life, but as far as other things? Not much regard. Like the unofficial rule not to make friends with demons, or keeping the closest thing to heaven that actually existed in total peace.

Really what fun was that?

“Jackson, I’m starting to think you were supposed to be a demon.” Mark sighed. His friend was great, really, other than constantly being called in to see a higher up about some prank he may or may not have pulled. (He almost certainly had.)

“If I was a demon you’d pretend we were enemies.”

“He’s got a point.” Mark wasn’t sure why Jaebum was there, or felt the need to comment, but he imagined it had something to do with the demons.

“At least I’m not the one helping demons and claiming they didn’t.”

“You gonna take that Jaebum?” Jackson joked. Jaebum shrugged, seeming uninterested.

“I mean, he’s right. Unlike him I don’t pretend like it was necessary to let people who aren’t my targets die, though.”

“I suddenly don’t like this conversation.” Mark frowned.

If he was honest, being accused of such wasn’t that big a deal. Since he couldn’t get into any trouble for letting un-protected humans die, even if he maybe should have felt bad about the whole thing. But he was keeping a demon from being cast into the human world without any means of survival. It was cruel, even for a demon, to be stuck in a world they’d already died in.

At least that was a good excuse for Mark to pretend he didn’t think of Jinyoung as a sort-of-friend.

“By the way,” Jaebum changed the subject, “Jackson, what did you do this time?”

“I don’t know this time!” There was a pause, where the looks Jackson received from Mark and Jaebum we’re disbelieving. “No it’s true! I’ve been busy doing work. Unlike you two.”

“I’ve been doing Marks work.”

“I was reassigned! Temporarily.” Temporarily, since Mark had only been reassigned until Jinyoung returned to his own job as a demon.

“Well, anyway, they just called me in a told me I shouldn’t associate with demon.” Jackson shrugged, but stopped when he realized how tense the other two became at that.

“What, are they making that a rule- officially- now?” Mark frowned, that would cause problems for every one of them.

“I doubt it. I think someone’s making a deal out of it, or something. If it was a rule all of us would have been cast out.”

Sometimes Mark forgot how heavily the other two associated with demons, too. He sure thought of one sort of like a friend, but they hardly acted like it in reality. But Jaebum, who had let a demon get away with stuff he should have reported, even going so far as to save one of that demon’s targets so they wouldn’t get in trouble? Or Jackson who was friends with demons openly and didn’t seem to care? They would be even more affected by that kind of official rule.

“That’s ridiculous either way. Who cares? Human lives hardly mean anything to them or to us, so what’s really the difference.”

“I’m sure there are angels who think it matters,” Jaebum shrugged. “Especially younger ones.”

Jaebum probably knew from experience. Maybe even from when he was a young angel. Mark sure didn’t know him well back then, but Jaebum used to think it mattered, he heard. Used to care about each and every human he protected. When had he gotten so tired and stopped caring so much? Maybe he just realized demon’s were in basically the same boat, even if they had a different job.

He’d been especially defendant of demons recently, too.

“I don’t know, seems like the demons care more, even.” Jackson shrugged. “Like what happened to Jinyoung getting attacked. Poor guy.”

“I don’t know, it might have been worse before.” Mark could say that, but even if he was there, he wouldn’t have really noticed. He was too busy trying to remember what kind of human he had been, and learning that it may not have changed where he ended up.

“Maybe,” Jaebum muttered. He never did like thinking about the past. But then, when did the dead really benefit from that, anyway?

“Sure, but it never really affected us before.” Jackson seemed to be thinking about something for a second, where they knew he had more to say but he hadn’t yet. “We did all sort of get involved with demons all the sudden. Timing majorly coincidental.”

“Speaking of demons,” Jaebum started, turning to Mark. “Don’t you have work?”

“...Maybe.” Mark turned to leave before they could mention that he should probably be guarding whoever he’s supposed to already.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Jinyoung glared at Mark who shrugged. “Not even one target!”

“Hey, I’ll let you report the soul that did die.”

“Jerk,” Jinyoung sighed, watching the reaper pick up the soul and bring them towards Jinyoung and Mark.

“Oh, I missed you too,” Mark joked. “Give them to him, I’m done for the day.”

“You can be done for good!”

Angels and Demons both used to be humans. Maybe that’s why it was so easy to act like it was normal even as an angel befriending a demon. And why the thought that it would be such a big deal was ridiculous.

Jackson almost wanted to laugh, how easily had Jaebum realized he felt guilt? Jackson gave another grunt in response, trying to smile and assure Jaebum he was fine- at least when it came to that- and the leader sighed.

“I’ll… let them see you then.” His voice cracked and he stood, walking back to the door before Jackson could progress it. “I’ll see you a little later, okay?”

Jackson couldn’t be surprised that Mark was his next visitor, opting to sit on the side of Jackson’s bed rather than in the chair next to it. Mark sighed, faced Jackson with an expression Jackson wasn’t sure he’d ever seen, and took one of Jacksons’ hands.

“You’re really stupid. You know? Everyone’s really worried about you.”

More than worried, Jackson knew. There was no way they didn’t know what too far to stop meant when it came to illness. Mark sighed again, he looked exhausted and his eyes were red.

“You should take better care of yourself. At this rate they’ll have cancel our ASC appearance-” And everything else. Jackson tried to sound apologetic through his incomprehensible noises and Mark just nodded. If he understood Jackson couldn’t be sure, but he thought they knew each other well enough that Mark might.

“I’ll.. Go let them know they can see you know, okay?” Mark stood laying Jacksons’ hand back down next to him. “Don’t feel guilty if they’re crying, okay? It’s not your fault.“

Almost as soon as Mark was out the door Jinyoung replaced him at the side of Jackson’s bed. Jinyoung also took one of Jacksons’ hand but stood next to him instead of sitting.

“You should have gone to a doctor sooner!” Was the first thing he said. “I can’t believe you!”

Jinyoung’s voice broke and he lowered his head to look at the ground. Jackson tried squeeze his hand, to comfort him, but it was pathetically weak and Jinyoung sighed. A thumb ran over the back of Jacksons’ hand and there was silence for a few minutes before Jackson realized Jinyoung was crying.

“I’m sorry.” What was Jinyoung sorry for? You don’t have to be sorry, Jackson wanted to tell him. But he couldn’t manage it and Jinyoung didn’t seem to realize it on his own.

“I’m so sorry.”

Silence covered the rest of Jinyoung’s visit, before the door to the room opened and Jinyoung acknowledged someone else’s turn was up.

“Hey.” Youngjae was surprisingly composed and Jackson wondered how he managed it. It wasn’t, normal or expected. “How do you feel?”

Jackson grunted in response again and Youngjae forced a laugh. “I see, that bad, huh.”

Youngjae sat in the chair beside Jacksons’ bed and they sat in silence for a moment, the heart monitor the only indication time was passing. “This is messed up.” Youngjae finally spoke, and Jackson forced himself to turn his head to the side enough to see him.

“You can’t just- leave like this.” It was like a dam broke, Youngjae’s voice broke along with it and he rubbed his eyes as if that would stop the tears from continuing. “This isn’t fair- why- this shouldn’t be happening.”

Jackson tried to speak, or to reach out to him, but he was trapped in a body that didn’t want to move or let him comfort his friends. He mentally cursed when Youngjae stood and excused himself.

“If wasn’t sure you can’t talk, i’d think you said something really terrible to him.” Yugyeom smiled, sitting on the side of Jacksons bed. He’s almost think Yugyeom wasn’t affected if not for the red state of his face or the shakiness of his movements.

“I’m sorry.” Yugyeom too? Jackson thought apologizing was pointless, especially since it wasn’t their fault. “I know there’s nothing we can do, but I’m still sorry.”

Jackson managed another grunt and Yugyeom laughed, bitterly, and shook his head.

“We- we love you, you know? We’re sorry because we can’t- we can’t do anything.” Yugyeom cleared his throat and Jackson was worried he would start crying too. “W-We’ll.. miss you.”

The words hung and Yugyeom seemed uncomfortable having said them. Fresh tears formed in the youngest eyes and he cleared his throat again as if that would help.

“Don’t look so upset.” Yugyeoms’ words surprised Jackson before he realized he was still probably able to express at least that much on his face. “If you’re that worried at see any of us…”

That was right, the only person left was Bambam, and Jackson wouldn’t be shocked if he was the first one to cry.

“Want me to go get him? He ran off when he was told.”

Jackson grunted and Yugyeom nodded, rising. He left without another word and minutes passed before the door was hesitantly opened again.

“Yo.” Even that word broke and Jackson would have flinched if he had the strength to move that much. Bambam was just as red faced as Yugyeom was when he arrived. But the clear differences was Bambam was still crying, where as Yugyeom hadn’t been at first.

“You… Don’t look great.” Jackson almost would have laughed if he couldn’t see how concerned Bambam was- how concerned they all had been. “Uh…”

At a seeming loss for words Bambam stood at Jacksons side awkwardly in silence.

“I-I don’t want you- I don’t want you to- to d-die.” It was startling, to hear the word. Jackson hadn’t heard it up to this point, every phrasing of his condition carefully moving around the word. Bambam buried his face in his arms and Jackson tried to comfort him but without being able to speak or properly move, the effort was unsuccessful.

“I’m sorry I can’t see you like this.” He ran from the room before Jackson could process the words and Jackson was left to his own thoughts.

It wasn’t like he didn’t know, from the point the doctor told him. After he’d collapsed in the middle of their dorm and had been left to go through tests and waiting for hours to find out what was wrong. But seeing the others, hearing the word, he had a hard time processing the fact he was dying.

He wouldn’t get to practice with them, or eat, or be stupid and have fun with them. He wouldn’t get to preform with them again. Would he even get to see his family before he passed? Would he not make it long enough to see them?

I don’t want to die, He realized, but there was nothing he could do.