#jackella

Unpacking was as stressful as packing for Zoe, that’s what she always felt every time a trip was over, but this time it was almost comforting. Her holiday with Alfie and his family was over, not that she didn’t cherish every moment of it, she loved them all, however she couldn’t enjoy it fully like she would if deep down she didn’t know something was wrong.

Her relationship with Alfie was as happy as it could be and she knew he was the best she could ever ask for; he was caring and funny, something she always wanted from a boyfriend, and he got along just fine with her family and she loved him. Of course she loved the boy who cuddled with her at night and bought her cupcakes just because he could, the one who knew how to calm her down during her panic attacks and could make her laugh in her darkest moment. Sometimes she felt guilty though, guilty because she knew she wasn’t invested as him in this relationship and she was following his lead not doing very much to make everything work, not because she didn’t want to but something was missing.

That something missing she could trace it back to a time when waking up in the morning meant a text by someone who wasn’t Alfie, someone who now was so far from her she couldn’t reach for him like she did multiple times. And as much as she would tell herself she had moved on long time ago, part of her knew that she was still hanging on those little things that made her realized she was in love, not with Alfie but with Jack.

Zoe shook her head at the insistent thought and switched on her computer in search of something who would make her feel better, sometimes she would just type ‘zalfie' on tumblr and remind herself how wrong she was and how perfect her boyfriend was but most of the times she would just stare at that folder in which she hoped she would shut her memories of Jack; like the time he sent her pictures of everything that would remind him of her or that one time he made her a list of all the things who made her special on one of her bad days.

Why was she doing this to herself? Everything between the two of them was over long time ago, when they were too scared to even try keep a relationship while he was travelling the world and she was left behind in England waiting for him to come home, to come back to her. She didn’t blame him at all because she knew, she always saw that light in eyes of an eternal peter pan waiting for the world to surprise him, Zoe fell for that immeasurable craving of adventures but it also broke her not to follow him and live them with him.

She reached for her phone and went through her contacts like she was used to for the past months, her finger always placed next to Jack’s name but she never had the courage to click it once nor she had tried to speak to him when they met in Los Angeles. She opened twitter instead, like that could soothe the aching pain she felt while reading his name, and typed the phrase on a song that was stuck in her head since she first listened to it because it reminded of him, of them and everything they didn’t have any more.

'We sit in bars and raise our drinks to growing old, oh I'm in love with you and you will never know'

It didn’t take long before people started tweeting her, most were saying that Alfie already knew and her eyes watered, she was such a bad person for doing this to an amazing boy like him. However, she knew he was aware of everything because sometimes she caught him expecting her to give up the charade, to just say it out loud and make everyone free but she never did.

It took her some minutes to fall asleep just not to think about, she wanted to shut everything down and go back to when everything was way simpler. Sadly everything came back when her phone buzzed next to her waking her up, all the guilt and pain resurfaced like bile in her throat making it hard for her to say a simple hello.

« …..Hi »

She tightened the grip on her phone as she heard that voice, not it wasn’t the voice of Alfie telling he was coming over, that was the voice who haunted her dreams and made her shiver like nobody could.

« I-I-I’m sorry I shouldn’t have called Zoe, i just thought that maybe…..you know I’m just going to hang up I’m sor- »

« Don’t…..it’s okay Jack »

They both stayed silent for some minute, both listening to each other breath in the phone speaker, afraid that one word could ruin that entire conversation or at least Zoe was afraid of that. Now that she had what she was hoping for it almost felt too weird, Jack was calling her and she didn’t know what to say or how to act. Why was he trying to reach her? He was happy with his girlfriend, she saw that video that made her cry silently in her bed, trying not to be too loud because Alfie was sleeping next to her.

« I’ve read your tweet and I was just wondering if you were….thinking of us, it sounds more stupid that I intended it to be but I wanted to know if you were okay » she smiled, he was the same old Jack after all making sure she was happy even if they weren’t on speaking terms.

« If I tell you I was, would it change anything? »

« You moved on Zoe and you did when I most needed you, when even youtube was not making me happy any more and everything was crumbling down »

« You know I couldn’t wait for you any longer, it was making me miserable »

« So this is better? Wondering ‘what if’ while we don’t speak any more and we avoid each other like enemies? I was in love with you… I loved you »

She closed her eyes, the tone of his voice ringing in her ears and breaking her heart in pieces at the past tense, of course she knew he was over her but part of her hoped that something of her was left in his soul.

« And you know what’s worst Z? I’m still in love with you…your laugh, your hair, the way you say my name when I know you’re biting your lip, how you look so fragile but you could be so fierce when you want to be »

He sighed and she closed her eyes unconsciously biting her lip like he said, he was still hung up on her like she was on him, no she didn’t expect that.

« I’m in love with you too Jackson »

« Pack your things and run away with me, we still have time to make it right »

« You know better than me that we can’t, I have Alfie and you have Ella and we both have our job »

She would have run away with him in a heartbeat, of course she would, she craved an adventure like the one he was so happy to show the world and he knew that she would have loved to see the world. They were aware it was impossible for them to run away but still just the thought of it made them happy, made them feel like it was the beginning again.

« I have to go now Zo but just let me know if you change your mind…. I will always wait for you babe »

And with that the phone call ended and Zoe couldn’t handle any more of the pain, she let the tears fall down her face and soak her t-shirt because she just didn’t care of hiding it any more, her love for Jack instead of going away grew so much more since they parted ways it was unbearable.

She cried until she felt like there were no tears left and she felt empty, she cried until every emotion she had for him was drained out of her; she wanted to go back in time, back to when he used to sit on her bed and cuddle her to sleep after a panic attack or when they spent a weekend watching Christmas movies and drinking hot chocolate.

Her phone buzzed with a twitter notification and she wiped her tears, Jack’s name on her screen again for the second time that day, making it more painful than ever.

' You'll never know the endless night, the rhyming of the rain or how it feels to fall behind and watch you call his name '

The tears she thought that she didn’t have any more started to stream down her face again, it was the song she tweeted hours ago, before he called her and made all her securities crumble down like all those times before. Maybe one day they would run away together but for now they had to keep living the lie they made up, trying to be happy with someone who couldn’t give them the same emotions, at least they knew they loved each other.