#izsecretsanta2017

“Stink-brain, why do you bother making-up your greasy face? Most humans do it to look prettier, but you just look even more disgusting than usual.”

Dib’s eyebrows knitted as he looked at the Irken through a mirror. He was currently trying to do his face but Zim kept interrupting his process. He was applying a foundation several shades paler than his normal skin tone. That along with grey eyeshadow along his jawline and under eyes made him look sickly. Walking dead was what he was going for.

“I’m not trying to look human here. I need to blend in, and not everyone has cheap holograms.” He tried to explain, easily getting annoyed by the alien’s antics. But he found himself smiling again as he put on some dark, thick lines of eye-liner around his eyes. To Dib it really made the hazel color in his eyes pop.

“Cheap!?” Zim gasped, clawed hand going over his chest. “Zim’s disguises are some of the finest in the whole armada!”

“Well even if they are, they won’t work. I need to actually look the part to sell this! I also need to smell the part.” Dib smirked at the last part, picking up a glass perfume bottle filled with a concoction he’d made himself. Giving Zim no warning he doused himself in a disgusting purple-ish grey mist that smelled like old dusty cardboard boxes, a pair of musty shoes left out in the rain and something foul just beginning to rot.

Zim gagged, running to the back corner of Dib’s bedroom and covering his face where a nose would be. “Who on this filthy planet in their right mind willing smells like that?!”

Trying not to breathe in too deeply, Dib stepped back to look himself over in the mirror. “Vampires. A hoard spotted just outside of town specifically. A group of teenagers went missing a few years ago while having a party out in the woods… and now they’ve come back apparently.”

Dib didn’t think he looked half-bad. With the make-up and gross smell he actually looked like the undead. Plus he always liked having an excuse to wear all-black. He was almost ready to go, just needed to get on his shoes and they could go head out for the investigation. Unable to hide his excitement he spun on his heels and skipped over to his closet. Digging around for a specific pair of shoes.

Zim watched the human with a raised eye socket, Dib could be a strange creature sometimes. At least he wasn’t being bossy yet. He decided to go through the human’s bag as he struggled to dress himself. There were cameras and a voice recorded, but there was also a good amount of garlic and silver in there as well as a taser. “So what exactly is you’re plan, meat-boy? Kill them or interview them?”

“Eh, not sure yet…”

“What does that mean?”

“I’m just trying to be prepared for anything, Zim. They could be docile, but they could also be dangerous.”

“Shouldn’t you decide what to do with these vampire babies before you catch them?” Zim shot back, looking at his clawed fingers nonchalantly. Honestly how this human expected to get anything done was Zim’s guess.

“Whatever I’m just think- Ha! Got’em!” Dib’s train of thought was lost as he crawled out of his disgustingly cluttered closet with a pair of high-grade leather boots. They were perfect for hiking through the woods. Or at least that was always the justification he said out loud, in truth he wore them primarily because he thought they made him look cool. He stood up and walked over to his bed to put them on.

Suddenly towering above him, Zim had to step back and get out of his way. His eyes narrowed to slits as he was forced to look up at Dib. His hands went to his hips and not really realizing it he tried to stretch up a little higher. The time had begun now where all the sniveling worm babies started shooting up into tall dumb stinky adults. He wondered just how stupid Dib and his sister would get the taller they became. Maybe his big head would let him hold on to a little of his intellect. As for his sister, sometimes she doubted the girl was even human. Regardless he hated having the annoying human lording above him now. As if he were actually better than him, like that could actually happen.

He grumbled about it under his breath as he went to the mirror and readjusted his wig and contacts.

“If you plan on whining the entire time don’t even come.” Dib said keeping his snarky tone, not even bothering to look up as he laced his right leather boots.

“Zim does not whine.” Zim replied. Dib couldn’t tell if he was actually offended or if he was just being patronizing. “I simply point out your errors. I can’t help it that they exist in practically everything you do. It’s almost fascinating actually.”

Definitely patronizing. “Shut up.” Rolling his eyes Dib got up from his bed and hoisted his duffle bag onto his shoulders. “So do you actually plan on being helpful, or do you just plan on being an ass the entire time? Cause I really need someone who can hold my camera.”

Zim scoffed and waved one hand in Dib’s direction. “You should be grateful Zim even agrees to go on your little field trips of yours.”

“And what about trying to ‘study the smelly secondary sentient life-forms on this pathetic little planet’?” Dib asked, mocking Zim’s voice. Apparently that was the Tallest’s most recent mission for Zim, to study other secret life forms on earth to see if they were any easier to conquer.

“I could just as easily do that from the comfort of my lair.” Zim said, folding his arms and pouting.

“Maybe if information on the paranormal was more accessible and accredited.” Dib said, starting to get smug. He dropped another bulky duffle bag on the floor directly in front of Zim. “But unfortunately it’s not so you just. Got. me.”

Zim snarled and threw the bag over his shoulder. He hated it when Dib acted all high-and-mighty and got that stupid look on his face. “I’d watch the tone if I were you, worm.”

Dib hardly seemed phased. Still grinning, he headed for the door. Simply expecting Zim to follow him. “Come on lizard, we don’t have all night!”

Grumbling under his breath Zim followed the excited young teen out of his room and out of his house. All this, stupid disguising and horrible odors with the planet’s most annoying human had better be worth it…

~~~

It wasn’t.

After nearly two hours of wandering through the woods, they eventually ran into the monsters. And in the end it was them who found Dib and Zim wandering through the dark.

And the teenagers weren’t even undead. They were just emo-goth kids who had run away from home to go live in the woods because they disagreed with society. And their sunken-in faces and horrible odor was from them needing to sleep and bath more regularly.

As much as it had disappointed Zim it did provide a fascinating look at the psyche of human adolescents. Their absolute hate for things like social order, unfair rules… and soap apparently.  

And at least the Dib was disappointed too. When it was plainly explained to him that there were no actual vampires, just dumb teenagers, he seemed distraught. At first he refused to believe it. He argued it was just a trick the vampires were pulling to avoid being caught. But soon the truth became apparent. Dropping his duffle bag, dropping to the ground himself, and screaming into the grass for a full three minutes.

Zim would have been fine calling it a night after that but no, no the other humans insisted they stay and comfort Dib in his temper tantrum. They ended up complimenting his sense of style and his interesting “cologne”. That seemed to raise the boy’s spirits and everything just went downhill from there.

Now Zim found himself sitting in an absolutely disgusting MacMeaties’s at 2 in the morning, surrounded by Dib and all the goth older teenagers who were apparently his “friends” now, unable to leave as they all talked much too loud with mouths full of greasy food.

He sincerely thought he might be sick. How could humans not only willingly eat such revolting food, but actually enjoy it?? It was astounding almost, how much germs and oils the human diet could withstand.

Unfortunately Zim couldn’t and one hand kept flying up to his mouth whenever he accidentally looked over and saw meat juice drip down someone’s face. It seemed like everyone was talking at once and yet no one wanted to pay any attention to him. Zim couldn’t stand it. For probably the billionth time that night he questioned why he’d ever bothered coming to earth. Disgusting, stupid little planet…

Dib on the other hand seemed to be having the time of his life. These teenagers were exactly the kind of people he could hang out with. Wearing all black, hiding out in the woods, avoiding dumb people and their dumb societies… They didn’t seem as keen towards his passion for the paranormal but they complimented him, saying it made his “wicked” and “macabre”.

At first he’d been pretty nervous around them. He didn’t really have any friends, besides Zim kinda. So he wasn’t really sure how to act or what to say around these older kids. But in the end he didn’t really need to do anything. He was just acting like himself and they seemed to like him. Probably the first time that ever happened in his life…

But one way or another the subject of school came up, mostly how much it sucked. It was actually the reason why the goth teens had all run away to live in the woods. And Dib couldn’t blame them, he hated living in this dumb city. And while he didn’t think living in the woods as squatters was the most appealing thing in the world he did wish sometimes he could leave this dump and never come back. Especially if it meant he could be around like-minded people who seemed to actually like being around him.

They kept talking, obnoxiously loud. Enough so that MacMeatie’s actually kicked them all out. But then they just kept talking as they walked outside through the city.

But eventually though the time came for the goths to once again retreat from society and return to the wild. They all left the restaurant and stopped when they came to the very outskirts of the city once again. But they promised that Dib could call them if he ever wanted to hang out since he seemed like a “pretty cool kid”.  Those words alone seemed to make him go starry-eyed as he waved goodbye to his new friends.

Zim simply watched as the weird little humans scampered off back to the woods. Dib seemed rather taken by them, but he silently hoped they would never run into them again.

With an entire night wasted with nothing to show for it Zim sulked as he walked home alongside Dib who was still a little misty-eyed after saying goodbye.

At least it was much quieter now. And Dib’s gross smell had worn off so Zim felt like he could finally breathe again. As the two walked alone he began to relax in small fractions.

“Why not go with the other humans?” Zim asked out of nowhere, now able to actually think. “You seemed to like those human children a lot. And they seemed willing to recruit you into their clique.”

Dib just shrugged as he shuffled alongside Zim. He hadn’t realized how loud he’d been talking before. His voice felt hoarse now. “Eh, it would be nice. But my family’s different from theirs. Gaz and Dad would flip out if I ever disappeared like that.”

“Really?” Dib’s family unit never seemed like the strongest, but then again he had been beaten up horribly by Dib’s demon-sister on several occasions when she’d needed him. And his father did seem to take a little pride in his son, as long as the unnatural stayed out of their conversations.

“Yeah pretty sure. Plus, you know, I still got these instigations I need to finish. Can’t leave my research half-finished inconclusive…”

That seemed more reasonable to Zim. He hummed a little in agreement as they kept walking. He could see Dib’s house in the distance. Even at this point in night his father would most-likely be working in the labs across town. And Gaz would undoubtedly be in her bedroom playing video games.

Zim missed the stupid smug smirk that came back to Dib’s face right before he shoved him hard enough to make the alien stumble. “And someone’s gotta be around to stop your stupid schemes!”

Zim hissed and shoved Dib back twice as hard into a wire fence. “They’re not stupid! And I least I actually organize schemes instead of running through the woods stalking humans!”

“It’s called observing! You’re supposed to do that before experimenting! Ya green idiot!” Dib argued back defensively.