Where Do I Go From Here?
Hello friends! I know a lot of you have asked how I am doing and lately I have avoided answering that question. Here is a not very short update on me.
For those that do not know, I have been living with my grandma since January to help take care of her while she went through chemotherapy. I grew up right beside her so we have always been close but these past few months have been a blessing. I was given a chance to give back to a woman I think so highly of. A woman that I call my best friend. A woman that has held me together like glue, in times when I felt like my family was falling apart. A woman that has made the most profound impact on my life.
Yesterday marked two weeks since that woman, my grandma, passed away.
At first, it was all about what needed to be done. I stayed rather busy organizing and preparing but not acknowledging what I was preparing for. It was easier to not dwell or even think about the loss or pain. So, I did what any stable human being would do and I lost all sight of reality.
I watched movies. I spent time with family. I cleaned out my closet. I drank lots of coffee. I did everything except allow myself to cry. I was genuinely scared that once I allowed the pain to come in, I would have no control to stop it. It was easier to numb myself to all emotion than to acknowledge that a part of me was gone.
To give a little more backstory to anyone that is reading, I used to deal with depression when I was younger. To say that God has saved me time and time again is accurate. He has healed me on so many levels but to say that there aren't still days that life seems too hard to handle would be a lie.
All of that being said, I was scared. I knew that if I allowed myself to grieve, I would not be able to handle it and that scared me. On the other hand, I also knew that I was not going to be able to move on with my life without having a breakdown and giving myself that mourning period. That also scared me.
I was not angry or upset with God and I was not trying to run away from Him but at the same time, I couldn't talk to Him. I knew that once I started a prayer to Him, I would no longer be able to avoid my emotions and I just wasn’t ready for that.
So, I started looking for people that I could run to. I wanted to be ready and while I did not know what the future held, I knew that I could not do it alone. I was looking for someone to be there when I finally broke down. Someone to simply hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. I did not want someone to tell me to be happy or remind me that I would see her again someday but instead, I wanted someone to simple be there.
Then, it happened. I went to church last Sunday and a song played that spoke about not being afraid. I remember this weird mixture of tears rolling down my face and a kind of peace rolling down my shoulders. Here are a few lyrics from the song, Not Afraid, by Jesus Culture:
“I have this confidence because I've seen the faithfulness of God..
..I trust the power of Your word. Enough to seek Your Kingdom first..
..When I walk through the waters, I won't be overcome. When I go through the rivers, I will not be drowned. My God will make a way, so I am not afraid..
..No place for fear, no place for worry. I stand in your confidence and I know. I know you are the one who has me, who holds me. You go before me, you prepare the way in front of me, Jesus..
..Before me, behind me, always beside me. No shadow, no valley, where You won't find me. No, I am not afraid.”
Was my pain gone and had I allowed myself to grieve? No and no. However, I finally allowed myself to acknowledge the truth and the truth is this:
1. Just like anyone, I have been through a lot of challenges in my life but God has never left my side. He has brought me out of the ashes again and again. When I felt hopeless, He gave me hope.
2. I believed that I could not handle the pain of loss alone and I was not wrong. I allowed my fear to blind me to the fact that I was not alone. I never had to handle my pain alone because He was there for me.
3. I have seen the faithfulness of God and I will overcome this, just like the song says. Yes, having someone hold me and tell me that everything was going to be okay sounds nice and I am not saying it wouldn't help. I am saying that my joy isn’t found in someone simply being there. My joy is found in the confidence that I have in Christ. My joy is found in His faithfulness. My joy is found in the power of His word. My joy is found in Him and because of that fact, I will not drowned and I will overcome. I have nothing to fear.
Now, days after that Sunday service, I have cried. I broke down for the first time last night and it hurts. My chest is heavy and sometimes it is hard to breath. She is gone and I feel the pain from that, which leads me to my title.
Where do I go from here?
Her schedule, her life, and her presence are all I have known for the last nine months. So before you ask me how I am doing, know this:
1. I am hurting. I lost someone who meant the world to me and I don’t really know where to go from here. I had planned all the things I wanted to do with her to celebrate the fall and winter seasons. I don’t know how to live life without her because it is something that I have never done but I know that I want to live a life that she would be proud of, whatever that looks like.
2. I am going to be okay. I am going to get through it. I don’t have to be afraid. God will make a way. Even through the tears, He will make a way. He is faithful.
3. Just because she is gone physically, does not mean that the impression that she has left on my life is gone. I have been blessed.
Lastly, I need to apologize. I am sorry. I have had many people reach out to me about being sorry for not attending the services and that was all on me. I am the reason you did not know. Because I allowed myself to avoid all emotions, I didn't give my friends or family the opportunity to be at the services and to support me. And to my friends that are just now finding out what I have been going through the last two weeks, I am again sorry. I didn’t tell you because I knew that you could see through my fake smiles and I was not ready to face reality.
So, thank you to everyone who has reached out and asked how I am doing. I hope this post gives you a little bit of insight in the same way that I believe it has given me a small amount of closure.
