#ivegivenup

I've never felt so low in my life. Anytime I've felt suicidal or depressed I'd fake my way out of it, and it always would seem to work. I could somehow get myself out of the hole. But the last time I was this depressed and this close to the end was bc I had been coming down from a weekend long drug binge and real life was setting in. I was ashamed of what I spent my weekend doing but was able to walk away from that life and those people bc they were taking away pieces of who made me, me. And I didn't recognize myself in the mirror. But I was able to pick myself up and walk away from that life. I can't seem to do that now. I don't recognize the girl in the mirror right now. I've been having a breakdown after breakdown after anxiety attack, and it hasn't stopped. Most people have best friends who recognize it or see the signs and step in, but I don't have that no ones hearing my screams for help. I swore up and down to my grandma and the one friend of mine who have been genuinely worried and took me serious when I said the four walls of my room were closing in on me and I felt completely like I had been broken into tiny fragile glass pieces that couldn't get put back together. But I faked it enough that bc I was in the hospital that I was getting help for the physical problems that brought me back they assumed I was getting help as well for the 'emotional' problems. They think I told the doctor I needed help. I didn't, I've but my extremely fake smile and lied through my teeth saying I'm getting through the emotional up and downs and I lie bc if If I do tell the truth i get put in the strapped bed and they treat me like I'm crazy. But maybe I am. I've been fighting this invisible opponent for years, but in the beginning I had the stamina to fight back. I was strong, fiesty. I don't have that anymore I feel like a shell of who I was the. The light is gone in my eyes. My eyes are dark, soulless empty portals to a broken down beaten soul screaming out for help. It must be a language no one knows. I've been living with constant excruciating pain for months, since summer. I'd get some days of relief and those were the day I was self medicating or over medicating to the point I felt nothing so I could lie and say, yeah I have good days. I don't know when I became such a good liar. There's a handful of people I've reached out. Saying I really need friends right now I need someone to help me see reasons to not off myself when I get released from the hospital. But no one texts back. Everyone is busy, everyone has their life with their friends, their jobs that they love, their boyfriends there's no room for a broken down she'll of the girl I used to be and I get it they have their lives that I have no part of but wish I did. I get told I'm the strongest girl they know when realty is I'm weaker than they know... My whole life I've fought and begged for genuine friends that truly loved me and truly wanted me apart of their life but no one has room for an emotionally shattered broken shell of the girl I used to be. No one wants a damaged friend, they have there own problems they don't need to add me to the mix. I have never said this but this disease the disease that I watched kill my dad has won. It took everything important from me and it killed my hope, it killed my soul. It's taken my happiness, it's taken my dreams, it's taken my chance at a normal life and I'm at the point where I just want to give up. And it's the only thing that make sense. There's nothing left but the thoughts that I don't deserve to live that when I get sent home in a few days that the same bottle of pills I stared at before I got dragged to the hospital for an unrelated issue is still gonna be there when I get home. And I can take them all and I can just fall asleep and the constant pain will finally stop and maybe I can even see my daddy again. And everyone will go through the motions 'she was such a sweet girl, who would do anything for anyone' which is true I just hoped I would get a lil of the same love in return. But I've given up. I don't deserve that love. I've lost complete hope and I just want to fall into a eternal sleep and not worry about the constant barrage of pain I'm in on a daily basis. I don't even feel human anymore. Bc of being sick for so long and if I was human and people really loved me they would recognize all the desperate calls and cries for help and they wouldn't ignore me till the next day bc I don't matter. If I don't matter to them, then why the fuck should I care or matter about myself.

I just feel like crying…..make it stop