#iui procedure

so i was not expecting getting a smiley face yesterday. usually i can tell when i’m about to ovulate, it’s like a mini version of my period pains but there was nothing in the days leading up to it this time.

i took a test roughly 7 am yesterday and got a smiley face. sent an email to the clinic telling them what was going on and that I would have to make a special trip almost half across the country for them.

at 8:18 i get an email informing me that they tried to call me, and that they have scheduled an appointment at 14:15 that day for me (my phone keeps sending people busy signals while i don’t even get notified of a call. i think it’s the reception in my apartment). i basically say “oh fuck”, finish getting ready, put some things in a bag and book a hotel room cause i’m not driving back and forth again (did it for my first one and it was hell).

i drive out of town at about 8:40 and i just drive. i drive without stopping and I’m in reykjavík at about 13:00. i stop at kfc cause i haven’t had any food and contemplate if it’s a good idea cause you can’t pee 2 hours before the procedure and i already had to go. decide what the hell, get one of those twister thingies and then decide to go to the clinic.

i take the wrong turn which makes me lose my mind a bit but i get to my destination with time to spare.

i had a good talk with my doctor and she answered all my questions. this was my last straw of sperm so i asked her what my next step should be. she told me that considering i am still young there is no reason i shouldn’t keep going with the iui’s.

the next step would be ivf but boy is it a hassle. you have to inject hormones, and then when that’s all done you have to take a week where your eggs are harvested then inseminated and the put right back up.

i am going to keep on with the iui’s. she told me that in heterosexual couples an ivf isn’t really tried until after a year of trying. that’s 12 iui’s. i’ve done three.

so yeah. i’m at least gonna do three more.

anyways, this iui went well. 13 million sperms were pushed into my uterus. a great mental image. i bled a tiny bit which has never happened before but it’s not a bad sign. it was only one drop and it’s an invasive procedure.

all in all i spent about 200,000 isk in roughly 24 hours (€1339, £1147, $1466) so thumbs up for that.

also i stayed at a hotel and my charger didn’t work so i had to sit in my car for a couple of hours (i ended up driving aimlessly) to charge my phone so i could use it as an alarm. in the end i asked the insanely handsome guy at the front desk to call me at 8 am. he called me 15 minutes late (he was very apologetic when i checked out and i woke up at 7 am regardless so it was fine).

just got back home after a 5-hour journey where i, once again, didn’t stop to even pee.

April: That's not... You don't have to worry about that.

Eli: So, what, I should worry about my wife not getting here before I pass out? Or the fact that my skin is giving up being actual, you know, skin?

April: I can give you morphine and...

Eli: No, no, listen, listen, the Talmud says if someone is sick or in need and you can take away 1/60th of their pain, then that's goodness. That's God. You can't take away a 60th of something if you don't know what it is.

April: That's not your job.

Eli: It is exactly my job, and I prefer to do it till the bitter end. Come on. You're not gonna deny a dying man's wish?

April: You're not...

Eli: Aren't I? Dr. Kepner, I've held enough dying men's hands in my career. I know it's mine this time.

April: I am sorry, Eli.

Eli: Don't be sorry. You're doing your job. Just let me do mine.

April: I'm not... I'm fine. I don't need anything. What?

Eli: You're a terrible liar. I like that.

April: All right, fine. What's that saying? "If I'm not for myself, who will be for me?" Well, I am taking care of myself, for once. That's all.

Eli: Oh, and you realize that that phrase is not an invitation for narcissism, right?

April: You're calling me a narcissist? Sure you don't want more pain meds? It'll knock you right out.

Eli: I don't blame you. You know, it's human nature. You face enough hardship, then you can't help but think that you're being punished, that you did something to deserve it.

April: I did nothing to deserve... Okay. My whole life, I followed His rules. I studied, I believed, I practiced what I preached. I did every single thing He asked of me.

Eli: And that guarantees you what?

April: Excuse me?

Eli: Well, where is the guarantee? In the sequel? 'Cause, I have to admit, I'm not as up on that as I used to be.

April: If by the sequel, you mean the New Testament, that's pretty funny.

Eli: No, no, where is it written exactly that if you do this or that, that everything in your life's gonna be good? Nowhere, in any faith, is there a guarantee.

April: I'm not asking for everything to be good all the time. But fair, I think that I...

Eli: Fair? Was it fair when Isaac went blind and then his child betrayed him? And where was the fairness when Sara had to wait 99 years before she had a child, and God said, "Sacrifice him"? And Moses couldn't even get past the bouncer to the Promised Land. And like I said, I'm not up on the sequel, but from what I hear, Jesus got a raw deal. Nobody in the Bible lived a life free of suffering or injustice, or it wouldn't have been a best seller. And if they lived lives like that, why should ours be different? Now, if people only believed in God when things were good, I guarantee you, after the Holocaust, not a single Jew would be a believer.

April: Okay. Well, see, now you mention the Holocaust, and anything I say after that makes me...

Eli: A narcissist?

April: I was gonna say jackass.

Eli: Faith wouldn't be real faith if you only believe when things are good.

April: Well, so, what? The world is just cruel and random, and there's nothing anyone can do about it?

Eli: Look, I don't have a lot of time here. Do you mind if I just skip to the part where I pretend I don't know what to tell you? I'm just gonna tell you, okay?

April: Okay.

Eli: You sound like a child.

April: What?

Eli: Terrible things happen. Terrible, wonderful, devastating things happen. Who the hell are you to know why? Who are you to know why some people live and some people die?

April: Children die. Children who didn't do anything wrong, children who were broken before they had a chance to be whole, who were climbing in their own front windows.

Eli: Right. And you don't get to know why any more than than I get to know why I'm dying from taking a pill that saves lives, that saves nearly everyone's life but it's killing me. So you can either believe in God and goodness, or you can believe it's pointless, it's cruel, and it's random. Whatever makes you happier. Are you? Happy?

April: It's not narcissism.

Eli: Then what is it?

April: Pain.

Eli: Unimaginable pain. Yeah, I know the feeling. God's not indifferent to our pain. Listen, tikkun olam. Tikkun olam means that the world is full of brokenness and it's our job to put it back together again. It assumes that the world is broken and in need and in pain. And it's our job to fix it.

April: Eli, let me let me give you some more morphine. I can I can take away the pain. 1/60th of your pain. I can do that. Please let me.

When my husband and I first started this journey we didn’t even know we were on it.  It was early in our relationship when we decided to “stop preventing” and “see what happens.”  We told ourselves we weren’t really trying because we both knew it was too soon to be talking kids.  We were only dating.  It was irresponsible and reckless to try so soon.  But in our hearts we both wanted children, and in our young love we were eager to take the risk.  We were casual about it though, not worried about timing or cycles.  Just a blind faith in our love and that it would be easy.

And then nothing happened.

After about a year and a half of “not worrying” about it…I was starting to worry a little.  I couldn’t help it.  I voiced this concern to my DR at my next obgyn appointment.  He informed me that I do have a tilted uterus, but wouldn’t likely prevent pregnancy and is relatively common.  After the usual check-up, an ultrasound, and some basic blood work, I could almost believe my DR when he said everything looked normal and healthy.  My DR gave me some information about timing intercourse and a prescription for folic acid.  So the research began…and the tracking on an app…and the timing of sex…and we really began more actively trying.  At the same time, we really wanted to not let ourselves get too wrapped up in trying to conceive.

But it didn’t work.

I really started to notice those around me getting pregnant, you know, “without even meaning to.”  We had a few close friends get pregnant, but the worst was seeing my younger coworkers all around me get pregnant.  By now it had probably been three years of not preventing.  And, I have to say, it was starting to get to us.  Exactly what we didn’t want to happen was happening.  I had even starting using ovulation test kits for the last few months.  I wanted to confirm that I did, in fact, ovulate.  However, it only put more pressure on us.  I found myself feeling sad and depressed.  I tried to attribute these feelings to anything other than the fact I hadn’t gotten pregnant yet.  I was only 25 and it was way too early to allow myself to wallow in the baby blues.

So we took a step back.

We needed to.  Our relationship was going through a rough time, somewhat related and somewhat not.  We decided to have fun and find adventures.  This meant vacations and music festivals.  And I highly recommend it.  My husband and I overcame our obstacles and from it our relationship grew stronger, we became closer.  We never took measures to prevent pregnancy though.

Nothing happened, but that was okay, really.

After some time, we were ready to try again.  And much more seriously this time.  I got the basal thermometer, the charts, a new app, ovulation test kits, etc.  We also got a sperm analysis and the results were relatively average with some lower morphology and mobility.  What we heard?  Not impossible. The sperm and tilted uterus were two factors we knew of which could be making conception difficult, but we kept trying.

And still nothing happened.

Well, nothing inside my uterus.  Outside, however, was quite busy!  We were finally engaged and for the next year, I was busy wedding planning.  Once we were married (November, 2015), we moved right on to buying a house.  I had long ago stopped doing the charts and ovulation tests.  Instead, we just kept to a simple schedule: intercourse every other day from day 12 to 18, more or less.  After all this time we weren’t looking to stop trying, but we were busy and it was too emotionally draining to be focusing on getting pregnant every month.  Some months we timed perfectly, some months we had too much going on.

In the end, it didn’t matter.  I still was not pregnant.

We moved into our first home this past June (2016).  In July, I did the HSG tubal test to check that my tubes were open.  They are.  By November, we went to our first appointment with an infertility clinic.  After rechecking some things like sperm and hormones, the conclusion is unexplained infertility.  By January we had new health insurance which will cover 3 rounds of IUI and 2 IVF cycles.

We did our first IUI procedure last month in March. The round was medicated using Clomid, Ovidrel, two inseminations, and progesterone (Crinone).  It felt so good to be doing something more proactive to help us conceive and I was very positive.  When it failed I was crushed, but also…hormones.  I’d been trying so hard to hold it all together and not let these negative thoughts cave in on me.  When those cramps finally start it’s hard to sit there and tell yourself it really will be okay.  On those days​, you really do just need to cry.  And cry I did.  But soon enough I was ready to rinse and repeat.

We are now coming to the end of our second IUI.  This round was a bit more “going through the motions” for me.  I could tell it had failed when the sensitivity in my nipples began to dissipate.  The home pregnancy tests are so very clearly stark-white negative and I’m now waiting for my period.  My cramping tells me I won’t have to wait long.

We will be waiting until June to begin the 3rd round.  We have a few concerts in May we are going to which may end up conflicting with any appointments, plus I feel the need to take a break.

When you go into infertility treatments, you don’t really know if you’re on a sprint or long distance run.  It’s difficult trying to find an emotional balance between them.  You want to be cautiously optimistic amidst all the pain and doubt.