#itsneverokay

If any of you are wondering why someone doesnt report, here's why. Here's why I had such a hard time coming forward.

Here's why I waited 15 years.

Here's why I waited 10 years.

Here's why I waited 7 years.

Here's why I waited 3 years.

Here's why I waited each time I was raped, assaulted, abused, threatened.

Time and time again, anyone who has been sexually abused or assaulted, their story is not believed. The person who did horrible things to that woman (or man) can continue to live their life, and most of the time they get to live a more confident or entitled life because of their actions. Us victims, we have to "just cope" from what happened and then just continue to go on as our society judges us because they do not understand why we may feel scared or anxious or depressed. Because why should we?

The picture painted by OUR OWN GOVERNMENT tells us that they clearly do NOT care. So why would our families, friends, co-workers? Why should we even believe ourselves? You may wonder why anyone feels ashamed, guilty, and thinks for YEARS why it was "their fault"....here is your proof. How can anyone, ANYONE, think that they are safe to share their story or that they will be believed if OUR OWN LAWMAKERS do not believe it.

I am part of it, and have been since I was a teen. I don't owe anyone my story except myself. But, I'm going to own my story and tell part of it. I've heard and seen others tell their own story, I've supported them, and always will. I'm sharing mine now because I don’t think it hits home for many of you who are close to me. Specially since some of you have told me that if it was me, you'd act differently. But I've been “that girl," and more than once.

I've been the girl who has been "too out of it to be reliable" but remembers every part, the girl who was "too young" to really know if she wanted it, the girl who had slept with other guys so she was "expecting it," the girl who was at a party so she was "asking for it," the girl who wore a low-cut top so she "knew what she wanted," the girl who flirted all night so he was just "doing her a favor," the girl who cooked someone dinner and was "inviting them into my bed." I was never asked for an “okay” or a “yes." I DID NOT CONSENT.

I have been raped. I have been groped. I have been sexually assaulted. I have been taken advantage of. I have been touched inappropriately. And it hasn't happened just once.

It was a stranger. It was a friend. It was a boyfriend.

Each time, I was made to believe I was a "girl" even though I had been told that I had become a woman at the age of 9, and I had to act like one. I was told I was a woman during all of those times and was expected to act like one. When I tried speaking out, I was thought of as a girl--and girls are silenced. I have come to terms with all of it, and I have come to peace with it in my heart.

BUT NOT ONCE have I ever felt comfortable sharing any of this with anyone. It's my story, not yours. I've been made to feel like a woman for far too long, just like many young "women" are forced into believing at the age of 10 or 12 or 15 or 18. That just because we have breasts and we started our periods, we are mature enough to consent.

When I truly was ready to tell my story, I was taught that it had been too long since it happened so it wasn’t relevant, that I must have wanted it, or some other excuse. Have you seen 90's fashion? I was never asking for it. I was just being a girl. And when it happened the first time and I did try to tell someone--I was taught to be ashamed, that it was my fault. The confident and honest and straight-forward Emily most of you knew then and know now, was and has been a lie. I had to learn how to become the strong, beautiful, proud, and confident woman that I am today, despite what happened to me. I am proud of who I have become, proud of the body that I have, even if it isn't up to your standards. No man, no matter what they've done to me, can ever change that. It took me YEARS to fully come to terms with it all and accept it. It wasn't until I had someone to show me what it was like to actually be wanted and loved. I didn't understand my true worth.