#itsalot

Have all y’all listened to this foodie/comedy podcast with Joe Quinn?

Because his accent, and his voice, and his voice… by God, his voice… it’s a lot. Like TMI alert: I have had to change my knickers four times.

It’s… it’s a lot.

ETA: it’s really, really… a lot.

5/1/2020

Everyone is driving me insane, friendship is a scam, invented by a bunch of leeches who don’t care is they suck the life force out of others. 

OCD!!! I am spiraling but it’s okay everything is fine I am fine. At least that is the lie I shall persist in telling myself. I just got off of a zoom call with a girl in one of my classes because she needed help with a review problem in our structures class. I am glad I could help her. It always feels weird, like I am lying though. When I am secretly dying inside but pull it together enough to have normal interactions like that. I just feel a lot of pressure though, from a lot of things right now. I feel like I have to be constantly tied to my phone, just in case anyone needs anything from me. I want to be here to help. And I was kind of annoyed that The Guy was going to ditch class today, but then the professor cancelled class. But he clearly was busy so I wasn’t going to bother him today. But then I didn’t want him to think I was annoyed so I texted him a while ago. And pretended like everything was cool. And certainly everything is cool between us, I don’t care what he does. But I guess I have just generally been anxious about what is going to happen between us this summer, with me going back home in a few days now. And us not having class, and convenient opportunities to talk to each other. I mean just in general I don’t want to text him first because who knows if he wants to talk? And I don’t want to be where I am not wanted, and I also don’t want to try to hold onto something that I am already losing. So if he kind of contacts me less and less this summer I am just going to let go, I am not going to try to hold onto him or anyone else, they can all go wherever they please and do whatever they want. 

Other than that, one of my friends and I have been talking a bit most days, we are trying to keep each other accountable with our reading. But you see, when I say we, I mean mainly just me texting her everyday sending her a reminder. And I am tired of doing that, i am in fact, not an alarm clock. It’s just really stressful for me, it’s just something that nags me everyday and I feel like I have to gain something meaningful from what I read everyday, and certainly I do, but just putting it into words and typing it out and sending it to her, usually when it’s not something new and it’s probably something we both already know, it just seems pointless. And it’s dumb that it is stressing me out this much and I don’t want to do it anymore. And being friends with her is just a one way street, I try to support her and be here for her for her problems and if I bring up anything I want to talk about I feel like she blows it off or makes it seem like less than it is. I just don’t like this relationship, I feel like it is draining my life. 

Then there is a guy in my class who is always asking me for help. And okay, sure, I have no issue helping him with a homework problem, but sometimes he texts me at 1 am, and I am asleep. Then in the morning when there is not enough time to help him before the assignment is due I just feel guilty for not being there when he needed me. And he asks me questions sometimes that I shouldn’t have to answer, stuff like which homework problems we have and what page they are on, and due dates, all of which can be easily found on the syllabus. Like okay, it’s one thing if you tried finding the answers and need help, but he doesn’t try, he just comes to me, too often, and it’s a lot and his choices stress me out and I want to be a good friend but he asks so much and I certainly can’t just do his work for him. 

Do you ever feel your brain shutting down? And if you do, do you like it? or dislike it?

Me personally I can’t stand it, for i love to keep my brain active, if wires aren’t turning I feel like I no longer matter!.....well wait let me reword that.

Of course I matter, but I feel like my talent is not being used my godly powers not getting the chance to flourish, I feel a sense of disconnection from the rest of the world. I don’t quite know how to talk for I feel no one will be able to fathom what I am trying to voice they grasp parts but never the whole process. But I will give it a go I will Try explain it at length .........okay let’s begin.

Our lives are like cloth, woven from choice and circumstance. Pull even one thread, that cloth is torn and made worthless. To me a simple analogy but to others a complex thought, So what does it take to be a God? Well for me It means making choices that break your heart. My heart longs for a simpler life and perhaps I make it to complicated, but these are thoughts that appear and make me contemplate the kind one cannot have being a God

For at times being a god is not fun I feed my anger and I feed my ignorance turning me against the people I claim to love. Only looking inward can I process my own ideology, I have been humbled. How could I be worthy to accept the mantle of a God? I thought that mastering all of my emotions for control was the end, but then I learned to harness pure Logic, but I learned quickly that logic and emotions are often not intertwined.

Unless you steer with the heart, logic leads to decisions no better than those based on anger and fear, and once again ur emotions are in disarray. I learned to infuse logic with love and in doing so my heart and my mind became one and I had achieved balance.

First off, I want to say that I am super excited to have a platform where I can anonymously talk, vent, or talk about my life without people getting in my business. I don't know about anyone else but that is a huge relief. I also get to tell stories about things that happen in my life, for your guy's entertainment, and trust me you're going to want to hear some of the crazy stuff that goes on. Let me tell you a bit about myself:)

First, I am staying anonymous but for the time being you can call me Lu. I am a high school student in the town I've grown up in. I don't technically do any sports anymore; however, I am involved in cheer which I have been doing since the ripe years of middle school (and boy do I have stories about that). And I have a pretty close circle of friends, not a ton (or at least real ones lol) and I'll tell you a little about them now. First, we have my two closest friends, Hallie and Kylie. I know both of them from school. I met Kylie freshman year of high school and Hallie this year, also known as sophomore year. They're both great friends and honestly not much happens between me and Hallie. I mean we are best friends so pretty much any of the drama we talk about is about other people. Kylie however has a lot of drama in her life and unfortunately for me she involves me in it.

You don't have to read all of it if you don't want to but here are some questions that sum me up pretty well ;)

What are your hobbies? Cheer, painting, art

Do you collect anything? can tabs ( LOL)

What are you passionate about? Not being underestimated

What is your most prized possession? My phone

What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? dont have one

What is on your bucket list? I haven't made on I should :)

What is your favorite recent memory? Dollywood trip

What is your best childhood memory? can't remember

What is your favorite holiday? Christmas

Who knows you best? Hallie

What family member are you closest to? My mom's mom

What skill would you most like to learn? Sign Language

Where is the coolest place you traveled? Montana

What does your average weekend look like? Sat- sleep all day maybe do something Sun- church and nap

Tell me about your longest running friendship with someone? My friendship with Layla. We have been friends for 15 yrs because our dads grew up together

What is your earliest memory? Going to Pumpkin patch for my sister's birthday

What makes you unique? I am Legally Blind

Who is your hero? don't have one

Who is the smartest person you ever met? My friend Liam

What is one thing that instantly makes your day better? a compliment

When did you first feel like an adult? When I opened my first bank account

Whose opinion do you care most about? My parents

What is the most important decision you have ever made so far? The decision to go on an important trip

Aside from necessities, what one thing could you not go a day without? My phone- I'm going to try it tho

What do you enjoy spending money on? Myself, and clothes

What is something that always makes you smile? Compliments

What are you most thankful for? My friends

What are you most looking forward to? MOVING OUT

What do you wish more people understand about you? That I'm not mean just hurting ;(

What is the greatest challenge or struggle you have ever faced? Gaining my self-esteem after losing like 40 lbs.

What is the biggest risk you ever took? I don't take risks, I should do it more often