#itsaboutyou

Every day, when I wake up in the morning, I catch myself looking for you.

For the “good mornings” we used to share, always followed by a kiss. For the warmth of your body every time we held each other close.

Sometimes, when I scroll through my phone, I unconsciously search for your name in my messages, just to send you a funny video I found on Instagram or TikTok. But then I stop myself, remembering there is no longer a “you and me.”

I never forget you. You were part of my everyday life.. from the moment I opened my eyes to the second I fell asleep.

You keep running through my mind, like a rat endlessly spinning on a wheel.

And I ask myself, don’t you ever get tired of running inside this sad mind of mine? Do you ever need to rest? Do you ever need water?

Every day feels so heavy. Every day feels so empty.

Sometimes, I drift into daydreams.

I imagine that we both miss each other, and somehow, we find our way back.

I imagine you hugging me from behind, whispering, “I’m sorry it took so long… but I’m here now.”

It hurts, you know.

It hurts knowing that all of it exists only in my imagination. That I keep creating a version of us where everything turned out okay.

It's what I feel now that we don't talk that much these days.. Now that we got separated.. Now that you made a choice to detached yourself from me..

I am stuck with these questions: "Will he come back?" "Do you also miss me?" "Do you still remember our first day?" "Do you still remember me on places we have been?"

But the worst question that got me always crying is: "Do you still love me?"

I miss you so much But I can't tell you that.. It aches my heart knowing that it won't be the same anymore

Worried that you'll instantly forget me.. Forget everything we had.. Forget all the good memories that we shared..

Why am I grieving to a person who is still alive?

Maybe I mourn for us.. For the lovers we once became.. For the best friend I will never have..

I mourn for the years we had knowing it had it's painful end.. To the future we planned that will no longer exist..

I mourn for everything we once had..

One thing I realized on this journey is that I was never really mad at you.

I wasn’t mad at you as a person..

I was hurting over how everything happened.

I think what I was really angry about was the idea that things can change, no matter how hard you try to hold onto them. That even when you give your best to fix something, it can still fall apart. That everything has an ending, even when you’re not ready to let go. And that the person you once loved so deeply can also be the one who causes you the most pain.

So no, it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.

Yet here we are, picking up our broken pieces on our own..

Choosing distance because we thought it was the only way to heal, instead of trying to fix things together.

But it’s okay. I’ll be okay. I always will be.

I’m sorry if my vulnerability overwhelmed you. I was just trying to show my true self, hoping you’d accept me fully, without hesitation.

But I’m even more sorry to myself..

For giving so much to someone who wasn’t fully sure, who couldn’t fully commit. Still, I know it’s not your fault. We were just two broken people trying to survive in a complicated world.

Now, I’m learning to forgive.

I’m forgiving myself for losing who I was in the name of love, just to try to win you back. For the times I forgot to respect myself while trying to save us. And most of all, for allowing myself to be hurt in ways I didn’t deserve.

I’m learning to let things be, so I can finally feel free.

I hope we both heal from the wounds we never really faced, and that we each find what we’re looking for.

And maybe… Just maybe, when we’re both ready, we’ll find our way back to each other.

But for now, I have to let you go.

I have to give you the space to figure things out on your own, if that’s what you need.

I’m not doing this because I’ve given up. I’m doing this because I love you more than my desire to hold onto you, even when it’s no longer fair.

I’m choosing to let you be free, the way you’ve been wanting.

And I’m learning not to force something, no matter how much I want it.

So even if it hurts that we’re no longer together, if being free makes you happier,

You will never be a burden to me. Not now, not ever.

I know I cry a lot. And sometimes, I ask questions that might make you wonder if you did something wrong.

But please believe me, you didn’t.

Sometimes I get moody, and my emotions shift quickly. I’m really sorry if I overwhelm you or become too much, especially during the moments you just need peace and quiet.

I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you question your worth. I know some of that might come from me.

But right now, more than anything, I just want you to be okay.

It won’t always be easy, but I’m here, and I’m willing to try.

I always tell you I love you, and I do.

But today, I also want to love the man who’s quietly hurting, the one fighting battles no one sees.

I promise to be patient. I promise to stay, even when things get hard.

I don’t want to be the only one winning my battles. I want us to win ours together.

You matter. Your existence matters. And you matter so much to me.

You will never be a burden.

Your strawberry blonde hair, in the same style as when we were young;

Your blue-greyish eyes, so happy and sad at the same eyes;

Your freckles on your nose, like little maps scattered;

Your smile, so genuine but awkward when people caught you laughing;

Your jawline, so perfectly formed because you clenched your jaws so hard to prevent yourself from speaking your thoughts out loud;

And your hands, so slim, so carefully placed when playing the piano and too careful to ever grab my hand.