It's mind drifted as it prepared Not for another chaos jump... "That's a solid word for it..." It thought, running drive specs and adjusting navigational calculations with Not... It couldn't keep itself from going back to the domestication thing.
"the compact is helping"
"we always know what's best for sophonts"
"if a Sophont will not help themselves, we will help them regardless of their wishes"
She threw herself into the command chair and huffed. "Not I'm taking a break ok? Just... Keep running the calculations. Or don't. I don't know if I care anymore. I just... Ugh I need a walk."
She cycled the airlock, and sat on the edge of the outer bulkhead door. No tether, just herself. The new body handled vacuum well. She still wasn't quite used to the feeling of unprotected space. But it was starting to see the thrill of it all.
"...it's just ... How can all this domestication even be called *help*? At all?" It was talking to noone in particular, but it felt good to say it out loud. The stars gazed, uncaring.
"I mean... I get that some of these Terrans need help." She remembered aphid, void, the way they were hurting inside.
"...but it's starting to feel like these compact types don't understand the difference between "help" and "control"..."
She fidgeted with her implant tools again.
"... Like aphid didn't... Need to be drugged into submission. Void didn't need to be chased down like a rabid animal and locked into a viney prison!"
She screamed at the empty, a silent pain in her voice the only way to tell...
"ITS NOT ABOUT CONTROLLING THEM!" she yelled again, before collecting herself.
"you... You have to *listen*. You have to pay attention. You cant just... Shove a chip in their spine and start acting better than everyone else just because you're stronger or more advanced!" She pressed her forehead against the airlock doorway, swinging her legs back and forth as she stared into the abyss.
"I used to believe in this cause you know? As much as any Affini. And I dunno. Maybe it's still worth it. But if the compact is going to be just as violent and controlling as the Terrans they claim to be saving then I don't see what the difference is. Xenodrugs are supposed to *help* sophonts. Domestication is supposed to be a *caregiver* role. We're supposed to take care of florets!"
She tears up, (...seriously why did we even KEEP that function...), unable to contain her emotions, her resentment, her frustration with the only Affini outside of The Amaranthaceae she's ever met. She stands, her lower two tentacles anchoring her to the base of the airlock while she unleashes a feeling she hadn't realized was weighing this much on her.
"We are supposed to PROTECT them!!!!! For REAL!!! Not just...
uuuggghhh!
not just pump them full of xenodrugs when they do something you don't like!!! YOU COULD'VE LISTENED TO ME!! YOU COULD'VE LISTENED TO THEM!!! You became the very monster they were trained to FEAR!!! You never wanted to *care* for them!!! You just wanted Control!!!"
"well I won't LET you! I won't let you just lock my comrades up and give them all a chemical lobotomy until they passively accept everything you want! I won't let you attack MY floret. I won't let you ignore the core issues and just drug my friends into submission because that's *easier* than being a *real* caregiver! I won't let you!!! Im going to help these Terrans, so help me everbloom, and I am going to do it *WITHOUT* controlling them. I'm going to do it by building trust. By *listening*.
And you BETTER stay the FUCK out of my way, You
bloomsburnt
frost sucking
WEEDS!!"
She finally screams. And screams. And screams, the ichorus tears pooling in the zero gravity around her face. She takes a few deep breaths, and sits on the edge, curling her body into a small ball.
The stars gazed on
Uncaring.
